Buckeyes 37, Wolverines of scUM 7

(Photo of the team by Marvin Fong of the Plain Dealer)
A 30-point victory against the Wolverines is always sweet. Just imagine what the Buckeyes could do if they ever showed up for the first quarter.
The Good
Offense
Boom Herron had an amazing second half. Especially on that 89-yard run that was really a 97-yard touchdown run (more on that later). And of course when the running back has success, he gets help from the offensive line and the fullback. Dane Sanzenbacher has a future in the NFL. He may not be the biggest or the fastest receiver around, but the dude has good hands. The one catch he had over the middle was amazing. Generally, if you get the ball near him, he'll catch it. I wouldn't say Terrelle Pryor had a spectacular day, but his completion percentage was good and let's face it, he had a good enough day to earn gold pants #3.
Defense
The defense was pretty much lights out after Orhian Johnson forced the fumble by Denard Robinson. Jermale Hines had a good game, breaking up 3 passes. John Simon and Nathan Williams are the kind of player that a coach must love. Both of those guys just find a way to make plays.
Special Teams
Jordan Hall's kickoff return touchdown was great. He got a couple key blocks by Jaamal Berry and Justin Boren at the beginning, then made some good moves to elude tacklers as he got closer to the end zone.
The Bad
Offense
The first two drives netted 15 yards against the #112 defense in the country. Someone tell me why on 3rd and 12, you throw a 4-yard pass to the fullback. Or why on 3rd and 7, you throw a 3-yard pass to the tight end. If you feel you must throw the ball short of the first down marker (and I sure can't figure out why that is necessary), why not throw it to someone who has a good chance of running for the first down after he catches the ball? The offensive line was not good at all in the first half. Luckily, they realized a game was going on.
Defense
Again in the first quarter, the defense could not get off the field. I believe the Wolverines converted four of the first five 3rd downs. But of course, the defense tightened up after a shaky first quarter.
The Ugly
Offense
Another red zone interception for Terrelle Pryor. How many is that this year? Could that be a part of the reason he announced he'll stay for his senior year?
Getting a second excessive celebration penalty was stupid. If the refs called it once, why would you give them any reason to call it again? But while we are on the topic of officials, allow me to say that this crew was terrible. An offensive lineman pulls off Cam Heyward's helmet and that's not a penalty. Cam Heyward gets shoved to the ground after the play is over and that's not a penalty. And I suppose Boom Herron's head made that jerking motion on its own. But then Dane Sanzenbacher gets called for holding as he tries to help Herron score on a 97-yard run. That was about the weakest holding call I've ever seen.
Schwinderjection
Someone get Rich Rodriguez a contract extension. I'll deliver it to him myself.
Under the Radar player of the game
This is an easy one. Jordan Hall's touchdown was the play that really got the Buckeyes going. And the blocks by Jaamal Berry and Justin Boren gave Hall the gap he needed to get moving. For that, they are the co-players of the game.

Uncle Sal and the Shirtless Siblings (Episode 171)

Uncle Sal looked up at the scoreboard of the Tobacco Bowl and shook his head. The Boneshakers were losing 20-3 to the Ocelots as the game approached halftime. After a sip of hot toddy from his Biketoberfest flask and turned to Doak Carr sitting on his left. "Boy, I tell ya, Doak. Boneshakers look terrible today. I don't unnerstand what happened to the offense. I ain't never seen 'em look this bad. They better get it turned around."

Doak said, "The problem ain't the offense."

"Whatta ya mean the problem ain't the offense? They only got 44 yards the entire first half, and they were lucky to get that field goal with it bouncing off the upright like that. And the defense ain't been much better. They're lucky the Ocelots only have 20 points so far."

Doak shook his head. "No, that ain't the problem at all." He took a bite of the red hot he had just bought from the vendor and said, "I'm telling ya, that ain't the problem. See them big goonie brothers about six rows down. One in the camouflage jacket and one in the striped turtleneck. That's Clem and Elmer Todd Vylde. They been season ticket holders since I don't know when. You probably seen 'em on TV. They figure any guy can go shirtless at a football game just to get on camera. But these two guys, they only go shirtless when the team needs a rally."

"But then why do they still have their shirts on? If ever the Boneshakers needed a rally, it's now."

"That's the thing. I talked to them before the game. They ain't goin' shirtless today. You wouldn't think 18 degrees is too cold for them to take off their shirts, but Elmer Todd told me he's just gettin' over a respiratory infection and doesn't want to take the chance of gettin' sick again. Of course if Elmer Todd is keepin' his shirt on, so is Clem."

"But we gotta get 'em to change their minds. Get 'em drunk, something. I don't want to watch the Boneshakers lose just because these guys don't want to risk a cold. Ya gotta find a way to bare the Vylde things, Carr."

This episode featured:
Rico "Tail" Backus as Uncle Sal
Delbert "The Nose" Tachel
Lloyd and Boyd Leinenbacher as the Vylde brothers
and
Jellybean Merengue as the camouflage jacket.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "He is an unsurpassed nincompoop with the manners of a warthog."

Buckeyes 20, Hawkeyes 17

(Photo of this non-penalty by Marvin Fong of the Plain Dealer.)
The good news: I've never seen a team look that disinterested and still win a game. The bad news: ummmm...the team looked completely disinterested.
The Good
Offense
It's a good thing the offense remembered (after halftime) that a game was going on. Of course the play of the game was the run by Terrelle Pryor on 4th and 10 in the 4th quarter. Finally, the offense did what I have been calling for all year: getting the ball to Dane Sanzenbacher more frequently. And not surprisingly, he came up big on the game-winning touchdown drive. Did I see that right? Pryor had a touchdown pass to a tight end? Holy moly! Enjoy that one, Reid Fragel. No one knows when that might happen again.
Defense
The defense only gave up 17 points, but that didn't feel like a spectacular performance. Credit to John Simon for rising up when the defense needed a stop, and to Cameron Heyward for his sack of Ricky Stanzi. Aside from that, it seemed like a pretty pedestrian performance.
The Bad
Offense
Ummmm...how about the entire first half? Again, the offense looked like it had no interest in moving the ball or scoring points. I once heard someone say that 2nd down, not 3rd, is the most important. Yesterday was pretty good evidence of that. The Buckeyes did nothing on 2nd down the entire first half and ended up with a lot of 3rd and 6 (or more, in the many instances when there was a penalty). Oh, and someone might want to tell the receivers to hold onto a ball at all times (yes, even in the shower) this week, so they get used to the feeling. Feel free to actually catch the ball.
Defense
It seemed like the defense just could not get off the field. It's hard to believe that Iowa was only 5/12 on 3rd down conversions. It seemed like a much greater percentage. Again, the defense was picked apart by the opposing quarterback in the first half. If I remember right, Stanzi only had 2 incompletions the entire first half. I've never seen a group of defensive backs with less awareness of the field than this bunch yesterday. The secondary should not need a reminder that a game is happening. Chimdi Chekwa showed why he has received so much heat from me with two pass interference penalties.
Officials
Corey Brown goes up for the ball and not only gets a head shot, but also has his facemask grabbed, and that is not a penalty. The penalty called against Jermale Hines probably should not have been called. Of course, that could have been avoided if only he were paying attention. But the refs made up for that by keeping the flag in the pocket when he should have been flagged for pass interference.
The Ugly
Someone explain to me how Devier Posey dropped that ball in the end zone. I hope he bought a beer (or six) for TP, Sanzenbacher, and Boom Herron last night for bailing him out.
Schwinderjection
I'll say it for the record. I would not like to see this Buckeyes team line up against Boise State. As slowly as this team starts, the Broncos would have a 24-0 lead before the Buckeyes even knew what hit them.
Under the Radar player of the game
This one was really under the radar. For most of the game, the Buckeyes didn't really have an answer for the Hawkeyes offense. The Hawkeyes didn't dominate, but the defense spent a lot of time on the field. Finally in the 4th quarter, the defense rose up and forced a 3-and-out. Thanks in large part to John Simon, who did enough to rattle or rush Ricky Stanzi. After that 3-and-out, the Buckeyes scored the game-winning touchdown. Simon did exactly what a UtR player of the game is supposed to do.

Uncle Sal and the Pulverized Porter (Episode 170)

Giacomo and his new girlfriend Ramya piled into the Dodge Dart behind Uncle Sal and Alice. As Giacomo settled into his seat, Uncle Sal said, "Those are some sweet shoes, Giacomo. What are those? Bowling shoes?"

"Yeah."

Uncle Sal brushed some snowflakes off of his Bob Knows Best t-shirt and said, "Say, that reminds me. How is your bowling team shaping up this season."

Giacomo exhaled a long breath, then popped a piece of watermelon gum into his mouth. "Not so good. Grover has some cracked ribs and it's not going to be easy finding someone to replace him."

Uncle Sal winced, then took a sip of double espresso from his Stax Records travel mug. "Cracked ribs? How'd that happen?"

"Well, you know Grover works at the airport with a guy named Juan Guzman. Juan works out like you wouldn't believe. The guy has a chest like a keg and huge arms. I mean, if you needed a tree stump pulled out of your yard, you could probably call him to do it with no tools but his own hands. Anyway, there was this Hutu priest that came to town for some conference or other. He travels with all of his possessions in a trunk. It's a way for him to keep from accumulating things he doesn't need. So, Juan is up on the trailer with all the bags from the plane and he's throwing them down to Grover. Well, when he picked up that trunk, he didn't think anything of it. To him, it probably felt like a stack of paper. But he threw it off of the trailer. Grover saw it coming and tried to get out of the way, but couldn't do it. It caught him in the side and cracked three of his ribs."

Uncle Sal gritted his teeth and said, "Boy, I feel for the guy. And now your bowling team needs another solid member because Juan threw Grover the Hutu's chest."

This episode featured.
Rudy "The Foot" Locker as Giacomo
Sally Pinns as Ramya
Lucius Crates as Giacomo
Antoinette Chiffonier as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the watermelon gum.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Have you ever won a fruit lamp as a door prize at a rock show?"

Buckeyes 38, Nittany Lions 14

Photo of Boom Herron by Marvin Fong
The Good
Offense
This begins with the offensive line and Zach Boren. In the second half those guys did a great job giving Boom Herron room to run. You need look no further than the Buckeyes' first touchdown of the game to see the evidence of that. Oh and how about that touchdown drive: 96 yards in 11 plays. I wouldn't mind seeing more of those. On the topic of Boom, he did a pretty good job creating his own space to run on his longest runs. Just look at those runs. Both of them are all Boom. Dane Sanzenbacher had a very quiet game, but his one catch was a good one. He was definitely in the right place at the right time on that touchdown.
Defense
It's a good thing Devon Torrence had that interception return for a touchdown. Before that, he was not having a good game at all. Travis Howard's interception was great. Hopefully, the defense can come up with more plays like that against Iowa. Before halftime, it looked like the only guys on the defense that were interested in playing were Ross Homan and Brian Rolle.
Special Teams
OK, so maybe there wasn't really anything spectacular about special teams, but the kicks have been deeper and the coverage has been way better.
The Bad
I could make this real easy and say that everything from the first half belongs here. And that's true, but I will break it down a little more than that. The offense looked like it was using the road playbook. The offensive line was great at giving just enough blocking for a 2-yard gain. The defense looked like the same group that lined up against Wisconsin. At halftime, I thought for sure I would be writing a scathing indictment of the Buckeyes lack of heart. While this isn't a scathing indictment, I will say this. It would be nice to see someone get in the face of other guys when the offense is stagnant and the defense gets punched in the mouth.
The Ugly
It would be easy to put most of the first half here too. I mean, sorting that first half into bad or ugly is splitting hairs. However, there is one thing that belongs here for sure. Did you see Chimdi Chekwa on Penn State's second touchdown? He looked like he didn't even know a play was happening. I have never seen any defensive back concede the end zone as easily as Chekwa did on that play.
Oh, and the penalties were pretty ugly too. Eight penalties. The team will need to shore that up against Iowa.
Schwinderjection
Lousy Buckeyes! Another nationally televised game and these guys show up the same as they did in the stinking Wisconsin game! Unbelievable! Won't someone tell these guys that a game is 60 minutes long? Oh, they got that message? Never mind.
Under the Radar player of the game
It's been a while since I've had this opportunity, so I am going to take full advantage. Your UtR player of the game is Zach Boren. He had some good blocks, clearing the way for Boom to get more than 190 yards.

Uncle Sal and the Reprehensible Reporter (Episode 169)

Inside Tex's Mexican Cantina, Uncle Sal bit a jalapeno, put the stem on his plate and washed it down with a sip of Old Gringo beer. He brushed some margarita salt off of his The Bambi Molestors t-shirt and spoke to the sports editor of the Potboiler Anders Messerkram. "The heck is goin' on over at the Potboiler? How come ya went and got rid of Hunter Hartley? Nobody covered the Wombats like him."

After a sip of his tequila sunrise, Anders said, "We were forced to get rid of Mr. Hartley."

"But why? I mean, I never come across anyone that knew more about baseball or the Wombats than that guy."

"Unfortunately, Mr. Hartley said some, shall we say, regrettable things to me after his most recent piece. There was nothing to do but cut him loose and allow him to seek employment elsewhere."

"And then you go and bring in this guy Bryce Plevin. Forget that the guy is prolly a hunnerd years old. Have you actually read this guy's stuff? His sentences go on forever. It's like havin' William Faulkner on the sports page. Ya ever notice how many sentences he begins with, 'Back when I was a youngster?' And his favorite topic is how things used to be when he was young and dirt was still a new concept. He's always going on about how the players of today don't measure up to the players when he was young and how the game was so much better back before electricity was discovered."

"Sal, I'm sorry you feel that way, but if you had heard what Mr. Hartley said to me, you would know that I had no choice in the matter."

"OK, so maybe you had to fire the guy, but now we're stuck with the dreck of the old whiny Plevin."

This episode featured:
"Tortilla" Chip Jaramillo as Uncle Sal
Antonio "Sir" Veza as Anders Messerkram
and
Jellybean Merengue as the jalapeno stem.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I know what being a manager can do to a man."

Model (and Salcoholic) Tana Allure (photos by Alx Guzman)

I'd like to announce a little contest. Postcards are being printed with the image you see here. The next 10 people to order a book will receive a postcard autographed by the lovely and talented Tana Allure.

Another satisfied Salcoholic

Uncle Sal and the Beastly Boyfriend (Episode 168)

In the Karate Chophouse, when Alice and Giacomo's new girlfriend Desdemona got up to use the restroom, Uncle Sal asked, "Hey Giacomo. What happened to the girl you were with last week? You know, the chick with the brown sugar skin and the big..."

"Honey? She went back to her old boyfriend."

Uncle Sal brushed a dill sprig that had fallen off of his plate and onto his The Cavestompers! t-shirt. "That's too bad. I mean, you always pick winners, but she was so sweet too."

Giacomo sipped his Hennyville Slugger and said, "It's bad enough that she told me she's still in love with him With him."

"Who's her old boyfriend?"

"You know that cementhead Tank Duggan?"

Uncle Sal sopped up some cream sauce with a biscuit and said, "No. Should I?"

"He's in the Weevils."

"Then he can't be all bad. I mean that's a service organization does a lot of good. Always doing benefits for hospitals and things like that."

"You didn't let me finish. He's in the Weevils, but they are considering kicking him out. Seems they had a charity hockey game last week and Tank played it like it was the seventh game of the championship. He was going full-speed into guys, talking smack. All kinds of things like that. Forgot that it was a charity event. To top it all off, he ran the president of the organization face first into the boards. Broke the guy's nose and cheekbone. Of course he's not very popular with me. He's even less popular with guys in his own organization."

"Broken nose in a charity hockey game? Sounds to me like the love of Honey is the brute of all Weevils."

This episode featured:
Duncan "Toe" Blake as Uncle Sal
Freddy "Moose Jaw" Puchs as Giacomo
Genevieve "Fish" Nettes as Alice
Erica Wrinkes as Desdemona
and
Jellybean Merengue as the sprig of dill.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "This place is dead anyway."