Welcome to the home of the Uncle Sal Chronicles!

Ask Uncle Sal: Baboons and Catsup (or is that Ketchup?)

2012-01-26T07:38:00.000-08:00

Hey Uncle Sal, what's them big red blobs for that's on them baboon fellas' butts? Looks painful. Bewildered in Baraboo

Hmmm...seems like you mighta consulted a biology textbook on this one, but I'll give ya an answer. See, it's a little known fact that baboons originated the game of baseball. Now, I like baseball, but one tradition I can't understand is slappin' some other guy on the behind when he hits a home run or scores. Truth is, baseball players borrowed this from baboons who have been playin' the game much longer than humans. So that red bottom...well, it stems from all that bottom slappin in the game of baseball and somehow baboons retained that. You know, evolution and all.

Dear Uncle Sal, what's the difference between catsup and ketchup? Condemented in Conshohocken.

This here's a good question, Condemented. Hey, are you really demented? I mean, does it really make you nuts to think about the difference between catsup and ketchup? Never mind. I'll just stick to yer question. Here's the thing. Most people don't realize that catsup is actually an acronym for Couple A Tomatoes Stewed Under Pines. Now, what pines had to do with the process, I ain't sure. Seems kinda silly to me to stew vegetables out in the woods. People have had all sorts of weird superstitions. Didja know that people used to think carryin' a nutmeg would ward off rheumatism? So catsup was originally stewed tomatoes and eventually it became the condiment we know today. But just look at the word. It's awfully close to cat soup. Let's face it, cat soup ain't an easy sell. At least here in the States, so they modified the spelling to ketchup.

Gotta question for ol' Uncle Sal? Submit it at the Facebook fan page or to my Gmail address: askunclesal.

Ask Uncle Sal: Whiskey for Breakfast?

2012-01-19T08:40:00.000-08:00

Hey Uncle Sal, long-time reader, first-time asker. Anyways, my girlfriend is staying over tonite and I want to impress her with a great breakfast. What will go better with Cap'n Crunch: Wild Turkey or Southern Comfort? Wondering in Weehawken

Do you mean to pour on the cereal or to sip on the side? No, forget I asked. If yer askin' me to choose between Wild Turkey and SoCo, I'll take Wild Turkey. SoCo is for hurricanes and nothin' else. But here's the thing, Wondering. Ya really want to impress this girl o' yours, put some of them waffles in the toaster and serve 'em with a white russian. If she ain't impressed by that, then ya know she's not the right one for you.

I wore a sleeveless v-neck sweater to church last week. A lot of people asked me where my shirt was. What do you make of that? Puzzled in Pottawatomie

You ain't the only one puzzled. Seems to me ya left some very vital information outta this. For example, are you a particularly busty woman? If so, I couldn't possibly see the problem with it. If ya got it to show off, I say why not. Although some of them churchgoing types may not agree with me on that one.
Or are you a particularly hairy man who wasn't wearing a sweater at all and instead went shirtless to church. If that's the case, I can certainly understand the protest. Ain't no one wants to see a guy wearin' an all-natural sweater if ya get my drift.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Submit it at the Facebook fan page or to askunclesal[at]gmail[dot]com.

Ask Uncle Sal: Marriage and other predicaments

2012-01-13T10:25:00.000-08:00

My brother is getting married on Saturday but can't choose between wearing his periwinkle stovetop hat or his magenta bowler. Which one is more likely to guarantee him the good loving on his wedding night? Stovetop Stuffer

You know I love my hats. I ain't sure what a stovetop hat is, but I'm gonna assume ya mean a stovepipe hat. That said, I think yer missin' the point here. If a man can't get some good lovin' on his wedding night, well, let's just say that marriage ain't gettin off to a good start. I think the real question here is what he can wear or do to get some good lovin' after the wedding. (I can't say from personal experience because I never been married, but I hear that a woman is shall I say less willing after that ring is on her finger.)
But to answer your question, I'd recommend the magenta bowler hat. The stovepipe hat is a fine article of clothing, but ain't too many women get in the mood because a guy dresses like Abe Lincoln.

Unkle Sal, I'm a viral young man o 13 livin in WV hill country. It's time to find me a womn bu my ony choises is my sisters and cuzzins and they aint maridge material. What shood I doo? Hard Up in Hoo Hoo

Boy, Hard Up, I sure got a good laugh outta yer letter. Not because of your marryin' predicament but because the name you chose sounds like the title of an adult film.
Now on to yer question. Yer a viral young man and it's your potential partners that are the problem? Prolly not from where they're standin'. Here's what I recommend for you. Take the six-mile walk to the nearest road. Then hitchhike to somewhere where you'll meet some women that ain't kin. But before you do that, pay a visit to your local doctor about that whole viral thing.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Send it to askunclesal[at]gmail[dot]com.

Ask Uncle Sal: Why do women talk so much and say so little?

2012-01-12T21:03:00.000-08:00

Hey, Uncle Sal. How come every time I ask somebody how they're doing, they tell me what day it is? Perplexed in Paducah

PiP, this tells me yer in the terrible predicament of working in an office. But hey, didn't you say you was from Paducah? I didn't know there was any offices in Paducah.

But nonetheless, here's what I think about yer question. I remember this silly behavior from when I worked in an office. All these cubicle dwellers seem to think their mood is tied to the day of the week. Namely, the closer they are to Friday, the better their mood. You know and I know that this ain't the truth no matter how many times we hear some dope say, "I'm doin' pretty good...for a Thursday." Other cubicle farmers though, this is all they have to cling to. That's why you'll see cubicles decorated with stupid posters like this one. For them Friday at quittin' time is as good as things get. Now, that don't make their answers valid, but that's why you hear this nonsense.

My advice to you is to eject from life on the cubicle farm. Me, I ain't worked in an office in I can't tell ya how long. All work does is take away from your free time. So I say, tell your boss what he can do with your job duties and lead a life of leisure like me.

Uncle Sal why is it that women talk so much yet say so little? Exhausted Ears

EE, this here's a dangerous question, but I ain't never avoided a tough question and I ain't gonna start now. But let's be fair, lotsa folks talk a bunch without sayin' much of anything: politicians, middle managers, fantasy football nerds. But EE, I know where yer comin' from. Dave Barry explains this sort of thing in his Complete Guide to Guys.

Now, I don't exactly remember what Dave Barry said, but it went sump'n like this example here. Let's say your woman goes to lunch with her girlfriend (we'll call her Maggie). She comes home and you say, "How was lunch?"

Your woman responds, "It was really good. We went to Pierre's. It's this little cafe...you know the Old Navy on Oak? The one where I bought that cute yellow sundress and the matching sandals? It's just a little past that. I had the chicken Caesar salad. I don't know what they put on the croutons in that salad, but they were amazing! My diet soda tasted a little weird. Like it was too sweet. Maggie ordered the southwestern salad. She let me try a little bit of it. It was good, but a little too spicy for me. Oh, and you'd love the rolls they bring to the table. They're dark and sweet."

Now at this point, EE, you've forgotten your question and you've mentally checked out, thinking about who's gonna win the big playoff game this weekend. But your woman isn't done by a longshot. When she's done, she's told you (not that you'll remember) what Maggie was wearing, right down to the color of the polish on Maggie's fingernails and toenails. And she will have given you enough information that you could write a biography about Maggie if ya wanted to.

Let's take a look at what happens if you go have a couple beers with your buddy (we'll call him Smitty).

Your woman asks you, "How is Smitty?"

You respond, "He's good."

At this point, you'll notice your woman has an expectant look on her face, like she's waiting for more details. But you've already said everything there is to say. That's how we guys work. Heck, we can have a whole conversation just by nodding at some guy. But your woman will ask, "Is he still wearing that cast on his foot from when he broke his toe playing basketball at the YMCA? Is his sister still dating that jerk lawyer? Is he still working at that cell phone place?" You of course will have none of that information because you just had beers with Smitty. Ya didn't interview him. But these are vital details to your woman.

Why are these details vital? On that count, I got no idea. But that's why women as you put it talk a lot without saying anything. They just ain't learned to economize like guys have.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Send it to askunclesal[at]gmail[dot]com.

Ask Uncle Sal: Yeats infection?

2012-01-04T08:04:00.000-08:00

Hey Sal dude. Will teh stuf fthat womennn use foor yeats infecsion also work4 men? Poetty Mouth, parts unkown

Thanks for writing, Poetty. That's some really good typin' ya got there. I'm gonna guess that you're either under the influence of at least one substance that may or may not be legal or you're a 6-year-old that got spun around about seven times before you were placed in front of the keyboard.
Tell me, Poetty. What exactly is a Yeats infection? Some tremendous urge to read and write poetry? And what exactly do women use when they get a Yeats infection? Do they go and find some dude with a goatee and a black turtleneck who smokes French cigarettes? Me, I don't have much use for poetry 'less it comes from Duffy Lamace. So I guess I don't need to worry too much about a Yeats infection. Thanks for writing, and might I suggest a remedial typing class for you.

Hey, Uncle Sal, was the best jug band to come out of Lima, Montana, Lynchpin Simmons and the Fishtails or Dualie Ferguson and the Mudflaps? Jug Lover, Orange County, CA

Hey, Jug Lover. I guess you and I have sump'n in common. I love me some jugs too. Lynchpin Simmons could really do a number on them spoons and the cigar-box guitar. Dualie Ferguson is flat out one of the best gutbucket bass players I ever seen. And his song "Baby, Why Don't You Blow on My Jug" was a great one. But for my money, the best jug band outta Lima was Grease Spot McGee and the Oil Slicks.

Ask Uncle Sal: gator gumbo and zip ties

2011-12-31T14:56:00.000-08:00

Well, folks, I gave you the opportunity to ask me anything and you responded. Without too much prelude, here is the first edition of Ask Uncle Sal with questions from real Salcoholics.

Uncle Sal, is Florida or Ohio State going to win the Gator Bowl? BB in Florida

Hmmm...I was thinkin' I might get some questions I could pontificate on, but since ya asked...I'd say the Gators. Sure, the Gators were 6-6, but at least they lost ta good teams. Just don't tell Schwind I picked against the Buckeyes.
Say, speakin' of gators...ya ever had gator gumbo? A plate o' that washed down with a coupla cajun martinis is pretty darn near ta heaven.

Uncle Sal, why do packaging engineers feel the need to involve so many plastic ties in child toy packages? BW in Michigan

This here's a good question, BW. Just so happens I was in a boardroom of a toy manufacturer when sump'n like this here came up. Them ties was added to the packaging of toys because too many toys was either bein' damaged in shipping or stolen from stores. The ties kept the toys from rattlin' around too much in shipping. And as you've noticed, it's a lot harder to get them toys outta the packages with all them ties holdin' 'em down.
The trouble is one of the bean counters in the company mentioned that buyin' all them ties drove up the cost.
Well, no CEO ever likes to think his money's bein' spent on sump'n like zip ties and you can imagine this caused quite a stir in the boardroom. I myself brought up the fact that customers is smart enough to figger out if you're selling them the same product at a greater cost. Long story short, the CEO tells the marketing guys, "You better put something on the packaging that tells customers the product is new and improved somehow because I cannot sell a tie."

Uncle Sal and the Foremen of Funk (Episode 209)

2011-12-24T21:55:00.000-08:00

Uncle Sal opened the door and saw Giacomo and his new girlfriend Delphine. Giacomo carried a bag of wrapped gifts and wore sunglasses despite the gray and the clouds. Delphine wore a Christmas sweater that was at least two sizes to small and a pair of pants so tight he wondered how she had squeezed herself into them.

"Come on in. I made some eggnog that is high-octane stuff, I'll tell you. From the looks of you, you could use a little hair of the dog. What did you two do last night?"

Giacomo removed his sunglasses and set them on the counter right next to the whole nutmeg Uncle Sal had grated for the eggnog. He poured some into two glasses, handed one to Delphine. After a quick toast to Uncle Sal for hosting, he drank about half of the eggnog in his glass. "Wow! That is high-octane! We went to Rock around the Cocktails to see this band called The Dim Tree." Giacomo took a date pinwheel from the platter of cookies on the counter. "It's this really cool country funk band. They do a funky version of 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia' that would make George Clinton and Charlie Daniels proud."

Uncle Sal led them to the patio to check on the salmon he was smoking.

"I've seen this band a couple times and they've always been good. The band came onstage last night and there was this female singer on stage. I recognized her from some classes at college. Her name is Cher. She was wearing a cocktail dress, five-inch heels, and bright red lipstick. Nice-looking girl. And then she started singing. She was amazing. I mean, she must be about five-two and 110 pounds, but she's got this voice that can blow the roof off a place."

Giacomo took another big drink of the eggnog and continued. So the show was going really well. Everyone was having a good time. They could have played anything and people would have danced to it. The highlight for me was when they played this song called 'The Dock Kings,' a pro-labor song by this garage band called Smokin' Guavas. It's one of those songs you never expect to hear in a club because you figure no one has ever heard of it. I have a 45 of that song, and it was great to hear it played in a different style. I was the only one singing along with that one. So yeah, we had a night of dancing, good music, and quite possibly a little too much to drink."

"Sounds like it was all worth it, especially since The Dock Kings was sung by The Dim Tree with Cher."

This episode featured:
Ewell Log Jr. as Giacomo
Noelle Wreat as Delphine
Nicolas Della Santa as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the nutmeg.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Let's all go have some sponge cake and a little wine."

The Great Shoe Debate

2011-12-15T17:41:00.000-08:00

I have learned a lot of things being married to a French woman for 11+ years. One of those things is how important fashion is to the French, even if they live in the countryside. You would think that if a person lives in a village with more cows than people, fashion might take a backseat. You would be unequivocally wrong. But this is not about fashion in general. This is about shoes. My mother- and father-in-law arrived from France last night and my wife informed me that my mother-in-law would like to buy me a pair of shoes because my wife has informed her that my collection of shoes is woefully inadequate. My response: "I don't need shoes. I have one pair of black, and one pair of brown." Their reaction: befuddled (to say the least). How can a person get by with only two pairs of shoes?
Now, I realize this phenomenon is not unique to French women. There are loads of women from loads of nationalities who think that having only two pairs of shoes is laughable. So how to account for this difference between women and men? Let's explore.
Defining need
Women "need" a different pair of shoes to go with these jeans, or that skirt, or a particular pair of slacks. Let's not forget that when the cold weather comes, women "need" boots. And of course in summer, women "need" sandals. And so it goes. Not only for each outfit, but for each outfit in every season. Men, on the other hand, are much more utilitarian. We have one pair of black shoes and one pair of brown shoes. ( I know this is going to induce horror in a lot of you women, but I'll tell you my dirty little secret. My brown shoes, I've had them for probably seven years. I bought them shortly after I got my current job and I still have them. They haven't worn out yet, so why would I need to get a new pair?) Why do men need only one pair of black shoes and one pair of brown shoes? I'm glad you asked.
Selection
OK, so men are much more utilitarian in their shoe selection. That's probably by nature, but there is also the matter of selection. If you walk into a place like Shoe Pavilion, three-quarters of the store is devoted to women's shoes, purses, etc. If you go into that quarter of the store reserved for men, what do you find? Brown and black. And maybe some cordovan. That's it. Women have all sorts of styles that I couldn't even begin to name if I tried. For men, it's brown or black, slip-on or laced. So why do we only need one of each? Because when we do that, we've pretty much run the gamut of what is available to us.
Storage
We all know how this works. In every house, the woman gets the bigger closet. Or she takes up more closet space. It's not a complaint. It's just the truth. My wife has more stuff than me, so it's only fitting that she get the bigger closet. That being said, how is a guy supposed to cram a dozen (or however many would be "acceptable") pairs of shoes into his small closet? Be honest, ladies. Even if you want your man to expand his shoe collection, you don't want it to expand into your closet space. Think about that. If we bought shoes like you ladies do, we might have to move our shoes into your closet. And that would mean war. So in the interest of maintaining peace, I contend that it actually behooves you ladies to have a man with a limited shoe selection.
Importance
This is not breaking news by any means, but shoes are important to chicks. A group of you ladies will take pictures of your shoes to share with your other friends. You will go shopping with one of your girlfriends and when you look at any pair of shoes, you will discuss what you can wear that pair of shoes with because your girlfriend knows your wardrobe as well as you do. (I know. I've heard it.) You notice the shoes of everyone at work and you know the other ladies in the office are critiquing your shoes. (You can admit it. You might feel better if you do.) Can I let you in on a little secret? The last time I noticed another dude's shoes was probably...never. I don't have to worry what that one dude from marketing thinks about my shoes because he probably didn't notice them. Yes, I know it's hard to believe. But it's true.
I doubt that I have baffled my wife (or any other woman, for that matter) for the last time (even about fashion). In any case, maybe (but probably not) this helps to clear up the great shoe debate for every lady that is befuddled by her man's distinct lack of shoes.

Hear me on The In Show with Gus Summers

2011-12-07T21:17:00.000-08:00

I've got another interview lined up. Tune in to The In Show tomorrow (8 December) from 1 to 2 PM PST to hear an interview with yours truly about Uncle Sal, the universe, and everything.

Game of the Century, Part II

2011-12-04T21:58:00.000-08:00

Am I surprised that the BCS championship game is a rematch of LSU-Alabama? No. I predicted this probably six to eight weeks ago. Appalled? No. The I am so used to the B(C)S that I don't think I have the capacity to be appalled or outraged by anything that happens with it. Am I going to watch? Ummmmm...no.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I could change my mind in the 12 weeks between now and the championship game? What's that? It's only five? Well, it will seem like 12 hearing all the ESPN talking heads blather on about the greatness of the SEC. I know what else you're thinking. you're thinking if I'm really a college football fan, I'll tune in. I do like college football, but I am not watching an all-SEC championship game. Why? For the same reason that I don't watch any SEC regular season games. I simply don't care enough about any SEC team to watch this game. I don't like or hate either team enough to tune in. I'm sure I'm not alone. I'm sure that championship game or not, a lot of people who don't follow SEC football won't bother to watch this game.
And who can blame us? These two teams met earlier this year in the game of the century. I didn't watch a minute of that game of the century, and didn't miss a thing. And let's face it, the sequel is never as good as the original. Here are a couple games that intrigue me more than the BCS championship.

Wisconsin v Oregon (Rose Bowl)

Oklahoma State v Stanford (Fiesta Bowl)

Ohio State v Florida (Gator Bowl)

Michigan State v Georgia (Outback Bowl)

At least that season of Buckeyes football is over

2011-11-26T14:36:00.000-08:00

Well, thank goodness that's over. Rather than give you my usual write-up, I will just hit some high (or low) points of the season that was.

With two kids less than three years old, I didn't have a lot of time to invest in this team. Thank goodness.

After a whole season, I don't feel like I know any more about this team than I did on day one. For example, is this the team that was good enough to beat Wisconsin or the team that was bad enough to lose to Purdue?

The previous point goes especially for Braxton Miller. I have no idea what the Buckeyes have in this kid. The guy's first season was essentially wasted because the coaching staff obviously didn't trust him enough to throw the ball more than a dozen times a game.

Hopefully, we'll never have to see that high school offense again. (Let's face it. It wasn't even a good high school offense.)

If college football worked like Major League Baseball, Jim Tressel would retroactively be named coach of the decade.

Luke Fickell will take the fall for this season, fair or not. Yeah the team stunk, but the guy was thrown into the fire, replacing a legend and not playing with a full deck. It probably would have been hard for any first-time coach to succeed in that situation.

Going into the game against scUM, I know how Wolverines must have felt anticipating The Game during the Rich Rod era.

Next year can't be any worse.

Another trivia contest

2011-11-23T22:19:00.001-08:00

It's time for another Uncle Sal trivia contest. Go to the Uncle Sal Chronicles Facebook fan page and answer the current trivia question. The first to answer correctly gets a copy of Stocking on Levin's Floor.

Guest reviewer on 3 Guys 1 Movie - Martha Marcy May Marlene

2011-11-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

The good folks at 3 Guys 1 Movie asked me to be a guest reviewer this week. Check out my review (as well as Adam's and Scotty's) of Martha Marcy May Marlene.

Hear me on Ms Danyelle Radio

2011-11-13T14:44:00.000-08:00

That's right. I have another interview to let you know about. Tune in tomorrow (14 November) at 9 PST to hear me on Ms Danyelle Radio.

We're having a contest. Winner gets a copy of Stocking on Levin's Floor.

2011-11-08T10:17:00.000-08:00

We are having a contest where the prize is a copy of Stocking on Levin's Floor. Visit the Uncle Sal Facebook fan page for details on how to win.

Boom Herron = Big Ten player of the year?

2011-10-29T22:50:00.000-07:00

I am officially beginning the campaign for Boom Herron as Big Ten offensive player of the year. Crazy? Perhaps. But this is the way baseball writers work. Think about it. How many times has a baseball player won the MVP because his team was utterly lousy when he was out of the lineup. So I present this case. In two games with Boom Herron, the Buckeyes have defeated two ranked teams. In doing so, Boom Herron has averaged 137 yards per game and nearly 5 yards per carry. Therefore, I present to you Boom Herron as the Big Ten offensive player of the year.

Stocking on Levin's Floor (volume 3) is available now

2011-10-28T05:16:00.000-07:00

Stocking on Levin's Floor (volume 3 of the illustrated Uncle Sal Chronicles) is now available on:
Amazon (US, UK, Germany, and France)
Barnes and Noble
Lulu (PDF version - no tablet required).
Get your copy today. It's only $7.49.

Volume 3 of the Uncle Sal Chronicles will be available soon

2011-10-22T14:19:00.000-07:00

That's right, Salcoholics. Volume 3 of the illustrated Uncle Sal Chronicles is almost finished and it will be available real soon for Kindle, Nook, and iPad with the Kindle app. Don't have a tablet? Don't worry. The book will also be available on Lulu (like A Gopher I Couldn't Defuse). Look for Stocking on Levin's Floor in the next week or two.

Buckeyes 17, Fighting Illini 7

2011-10-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

Photo of John Simon by Neal Lauron

I missed most of the first half of this game. Fortunately, there wasn't much to miss.
The Good
Offense
Well, it was good to see Boom Herron back on the field and the guy answered the bell with 114 yards. Overall, the Buckeyes had 211 yards rushing, which means that the offensive line did its job and Herron wasn't the only one running well. You might wonder why I would think that only four pass attempts is a good thing. Maybe it's a little extreme, but it was probably the right decision for this game. Champaign had some 20 mph winds and if you have ever been to Memorial Stadium, you know that is one drafty barn. With the pass blocking, the young quarterback, and the wind, running the ball 51 times was probably the right move.
Defense
The Buckeyes locked down the Illini offense. John Simon had a great game. He seemed to be in the Illini backfield as much as the Illinois tailback. Jonathan Hankins also had a great game. You really can't complain about the defense in this game.
The Bad
Offense
It was definitely good to see Herron back on the field, but I would like to see Carlos Hyde get more than three carries. The offensive line allowed four sacks. But then, we know what to expect from the pass protection with this team.
Defense
Aside from a really stupid penalty by Bradley Roby, I can't think of anything to put here.
The Ugly
Let's face it. This game isn't going into the vault as an instant classic. I don't think I need to be more specific than that. Other than the game itself, I would say the officiating falls here. The left tackle for Illinois must have held on every play. That's not unusual, but this guy would grab handfuls of the back of the jersey of whomever he was blocking. Even if the defender changed direction to make it obvious that he was being held, the refs didn't call it.
Schwinderjection
Here is an unexpected stat. The Buckeyes threw half as many passes in this game as Georgia Tech against Virginia. Let that one sink in for a moment. Watch for the Buckeyes to spring a Hawai'i-style passing attack on the Badgers. Fickell's just been giving the old rope-a-dope.
Under the Radar player of the game
John Simon, Bradley Roby, and Jonathan Hankins all deserve mention here and any one of them would be a solid choice. However, Tyler Moeller forced the fumble that led to the Buckyes second touchdown and that is the epitome of what earns this award.

new products in the Zazzle store

2011-10-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

Salcoholics, two new bumper stickers are available in the Groovy Rutabaga store at Zazzle.com. You can declare to the world that you got smashed at The Crow Bar or crabs at A Boy Named Sushi.

Throw the ball stop

2011-10-01T22:16:00.001-07:00

Esteemed members of The Ohio State University football coaching staff,
The other day in between dances at the local gin joint (I was twirling with a dame called Myrna. She's a dynamite jitterbugger, I can tell you that), my friend Cyrus told me about something new he and his mates are doing on the gridiron. He called it the forward pass. It sounded pretty batty to me, so I asked him to explain. When he told me how the whole thing worked, I said, "You're talking through your hat, chum."

"Come out to the gridiron and see for yourself. You'll see. This forward pass is the bee's knees. Hey, why don't you strap on a leather helmet and join us. We could use a good wingback."

Well, I spent the rest of the night doing the jitterbug and the Charleston with some fabulous dames, but the next day, I was out on the gridiron. And you know something? Cyrus wasn't talking out of his hat after all. You see, what happens is the center delivers the ball to the quarterback. After the quarterback retreats a few steps (he's got nothing on my jitterbug, I can tell you), he throws the ball to a...I believe he's called a flanker. It's the cat's pajamas. I'll tell you. You really ought to see it performed. This forward pass could change the way football is played.
Sincerely,
Leo Porterhouse, avid gridiron follower

I want your submissions for volume 3 bonus material

2011-09-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

Salcoholics, volume 3 is almost complete and I am giving you the opportunity to be a part of it. Like its predecessor, volume 3 will have bonus material. Here is your mission should you choose to accept it. Write some song lyrics or a letter swearing your devotion to Jellybean Merengue. Sketch (in pen or marker) your favorite Uncle Sal character. Buy some Uncle Sal gear from the Zazzle store and take a picture of yourself showing your Uncle Sal pride. You decide. Just make sure your submission has something to do with episodes 105 through 156 and submit it to me by the end of Friday 30 September.

Buckeyes 37, Buffaloes 17

2011-09-24T21:39:00.000-07:00

It's not often you can describe a 20-point victory as forgettable, but I can't really think of a better word for that game.
The Good
Offense
Well, the running game certainly looked decent. Having two runners with more than 80 yards is never a bad thing. And I like Carlos Hyde. I wouldn't mind at all if he got more carries. He certainly is better than the last guy that wore number 34. The most amazing thing about the offense today? That's easy. Two touchdown passes. Think about it. One out of every 6.5 passes for Braxton Miller was a TD pass. And Devin Smith's second TD catch was a sweet one.
Defense
The defense was soild, especially on third down. Colorado converted only three third downs the entire game. In general the defense made the Buffaloes fight for every yard and certainly had Colorado in some tight spots as far as field position. I'm as big a fan of John Simon as I was last year.
Special Teams
Jordan Hall's 90-yard kickoff return was great. It wasn't very fancy, but he left a lot of Buffaloes in his wake.
The Bad
Offense
In the first quarter the Buckeyes had a first and goal and ended up settling for a field goal. This after a turnover and a run by Carlos Hyde got them into the first and goal situation. Look, I know a freshman quarterback was starting and that the leading running back and wide receiver are suspended, but HOLY COW! Throw the ball once in a while. Think about this. Brandon Weeden of Oklahoma State threw 60 passes against Texas A&M. How many games will it take for Buckeyes QBs to reach 60 pass attempts?
Defense
I'd like to see a little more pressure by the defensive line. It's true that Colorado had to fight for every yard, but I'd like to see the opposing QB being hit a little more.
The Ugly
Aside from Braxton Miller's completion percentage there isn't a whole lot to put here. I certainly hope it's not the case that the Buckeyes throw the ball infrequently because Miller's completion percentage leaves a lot to be desired.
Schwinderjection
What's this? Am I watching an Army game?
Under the Radar player of the week
In a game like this, it's hard to pick a UtR player of the game. There weren't really any critical plays in the game because the Buckeyes were always in control. Maybe it's a cop-out, but loyal reader I will leave the UtR player of the week to you. Who do you think deserves it?

Uncle Sal is on vacation

2011-09-14T22:03:00.000-07:00

Loyal reader, it occurred to me today that while I have taken a hiatus from writing new Uncle Sal episodes, I never announced it here. I'm not saying I've written my last episode of Uncle Sal, but after four years it was time to take a break. But here's the thing. I am currently working on volume 3 of the Uncle Sal Chronicles. And I am willing to accept ideas for new episodes of Uncle Sal that can be included in volume 4.

Buckeyes 42, Zips 0

2011-09-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

First I take a hiatus from writing new Uncle Sal episodes and now, loyal reader, I have to let you know that I didn't catch any of this game. No, I am not turning my back on the Buckeyes because of the "improper benefits" situation. It's just not as easy for me to fit the games into my schedule. I will say one thing about this game. Jake Stoneburner had more TD catches in this game than I think all tight ends had in the entire Tressel regime.

Uncle Sal and the Prospective Parent (Episode 208)

2011-08-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

Inside A Boy Named Sushi, Uncle Sal removed his Lehigh Valley IronPigs baseball cap and slid in across from Giacomo, whose new girlfriend Lindy had just gone to the restroom. He didn't get a long look at her, but saw enough of her bustline to know that she fit Giacomo's type.

"Nice lookin' girl...what I saw of her anyway."

"Yeah, only I'm a little worried about something."

Uncle Sal flagged a waiter and ordered a large bottle of hot sake that they could share. "What's worryin' you?"

"Well, maybe it's nothing, but we were out walking the other day and we passed one of those people that will paint your name on a grain of rice."

"That don't sound like nothin' to worry about," Uncle Sal said as he picked up some chopsticks , then took a shrimp and a piece of gari and put them in his mouth.

"That in itself isn't what worries me. Lindy goes to the guy and she says she has a special request, only she doesn't want me to hear it. So she makes her request and the guy says it will take 20 minutes. I try to convince her that we should keep walking and come back. She says she's not in any hurry and that we can wait. Well, sure enough after 20 minutes, the guy hands her the grain and she puts it directly into her locket."

Giacomo sipped some sake from his cup and wiped his mouth with a linen napkin. "I asked her if she could tell me what he painted for her and she kept refusing. So one day when she was in the shower, she left her locket on the dresser, I opened it up. It didn't seem like a big deal. Then the next day she left her computer open and I could see that she was browsing baby name websites. Well, that got me to thinking and I did some research. The thing on her grain of rice is a bullfrog. And you know what the frog symbolizes? Fertility."

Uncle Sal sipped some hot sake and chased it with a Japanese beer. "Oooh. Then I guess you do have some things to be concerned about."

"I'll say. I mean, we've been dating a couple weeks and she's already looking for baby names."

"And Lindy's pendant is a frog on rice."

This episode featured:
Makhtar Denka as Uncle Sal
Tony Catecuhtli as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the gari.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Nobody makes a fool of my family without my help."

Uncle Sal and the Intrigued Interviewer (Episode 207)

2011-08-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal entered Rock Around the Cocktails, removed his Round Rock Express baseball cap and scanned the place for the reporter who was interviewing him for the local paper. The reporter said he would be reading a biography of Joe Strummer. After a moment, Uncle Sal spotted the only person reading and made his way to the table.

The reporter looked up from his book and said, "Sal? Andrew Sweet. Boy, it sure is a pleasure to meet you. I can't believe I get to pick the brain of the most interesting man in town."

Uncle Sal shrugged and ordered a boilermaker from a waiter who wore a big button that read WHAT WOULD BUDDHA DO? on his vest.

Andrew Sweet started his digital voice recorder and said, "Let's just jump right in. I know you have had a wide variety of jobs in your life. Which was the most interesting?"

"Well, Andrews, as you know I was on the police force. They ain't too many dull days when you're a cop."

Uncle Sal's beer and shot of whiskey arrived. He dropped the shot glass into the pint glass, drank it down and quickly ordered another beer.

Sweet probed Uncle Sal's work history and Uncle Sal and was beginning to think there was no job Uncle Sal hadn't held. "Before I move on to something besides your work, let me ask you one more thing. What did you think you'd be doing when you were a kid?"

"Andrew, I'll tell ya. My first job was fixin' fences. I was 14 at the time and learned from a man in town how to fix any kinda fence. You know, things like rabbits and gophers can really do some damage to a fence. And when it happened, people would call my boss. He was usually playin' golf or sump'n so he'd send me. It was good work at that age. I could still prolly fix a fence, not that I'd want to."

Uncle Sal sipped from his bottle of Spud's and said, "Ya know what my next job was after that? Tow truck driver. I started doin' that shortly after I got my license. and it was pretty good money, especially for a teenager. But then ya get that call at 2:30 in the mornin', let's just say that ain't too great, bein' on call when people hit some bad luck."

"So those were your first two jobs? But you never figured you'd be stuck in either of them?"

"No, I sure didn't. I guess ya could say I learned pretty early on...neither a car tower nor a mender be."

This episode featured:
Franklin Benz as Uncle Sal
Richard Bonhomme as Andrew Sweet
and
Jellybean Merengue as the biography of Joe Strummer.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Keep bats warm. Gracias."

Uncle Sal and the Near-perfect Nymph (Episode 206)

2011-07-31T14:34:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal arrived at Giacomo's and removed his Montgomery Biscuits baseball cap. He had only taken three steps inside the place when Giacomo's new girlfriend Janet came from the kitchen. She wore a blue gingham crop top and a white apron that was longer than her denim miniskirt. "It's so nice to meet you! I fixed you a drink. I know you like whiskey, but I make a mean Cape Cod. I should. That's where I grew up."

Uncle Sal accepted the drink and walked to the couch where he removed the lime from the rim of the glass and squeezed it before he took a sip. "That's a nice stiff drink. Thanks." He wasn't sure if she heard because she immediately headed back to the kitchen.

Moments later, she returned with a platter. "Try these crab puffs. I made them myself. It's another thing we love on the Cape."

Uncle Sal popped one in his mouth and chewed it. "That is delicious!"

"Well, if you think that's good, just wait until dinner. We're having some chowder, gratin dauphinois and a salad with a raspberry vinaigrette that I also made myself."

"I can't wait," Uncle Sal said as he reached for another crab puff on the platter.

Janet kissed Giacomo and said, I'm going to get a couple beers from the cooler outside. You don't have to do anything but sit there and talk with your uncle."

"Sure thing, babe."

When she closed the door for the back patio, Uncle Sal said, "Giacomo, where did you find this woman? She has beer on ice, a drink for you when you walk in the door, she's a great cook, and she's gorgeous. This is the marrying kind."

Giacomo sipped his Cape Cod and sighed. "Yeah, I know."

"Don't tell me you've found some flaw in her?"

"She is great. I mean, her cooking is amazing. And yeah, she makes a nice drink. She is easy on the eyes and knows how to treat a man, but..."

"But what?"

"Well, it's just she's always talking about the Cape. People there are nicer. Restaurants are better. Sunsets are more beautiful. No matter what we do or where we go, it's not as good as the Cape. It's a drag. I don't know how much more of it I can stand."

Uncle Sal took a long drink from his glass. "Unbelievable. You've hit the lottery and that ain't good enough for ya. I can't believe you're already thinkin' about your escape from the Janet of the Cape."

This episode featured:
Ezra Zaius as Uncle Sal
Cornelius Taylor as Giacomo
Zira Nova as Janet
and
Jellybean Merengue as the platter.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If this is the best they've got around here, in six months we'll be running this planet."

Uncle Sal and the Disinformed Donor (Episode 205)

2011-07-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

As Uncle Sal, Giacomo, and Helmut Trickle (the designated driver) walked toward the exit of the whiskey tasting, Helmut looked at the rye booth and took a long look at a bottle of rye with a picture of a rooster on it.

Helmut said, "Oh, you know who would love this?"

"Nils Gish," Uncle Sal answered.

"That's right. He..."

"Yeah, I know. He collects rye. I been in his rye cellar. He's prolly got about 50 bottles down there. Gives me a different sample every time I see him."

"You think he has one of these? I'm thinking maybe I'll take him one." he asked, pointing to the rooster.

"Prolly. I didn't catalog every bottle. But I would say don't buy it for him. It ain't like he needs it. Ya wanna buy a bottle of rye for someone, buy it for me. I only got one half-empty bottle in the cabinet. Give to the needy, not the greedy."

Uncle Sal pulled his Lowell Spinners hat on and turned over his Creedence Clearwater Revival tape as Helmut started the car. Before he shifted the 8-ball gearshift, Helmut offered some ostrich jerky to Uncle Sal and Giacomo. He navigated the car out of the parking lot and when he turned on to Copperhead Road, they passed a 1968 Ford Econoline van on cinder blocks. The dashboard held a FOR SALE sign. The side of the van was decorated with an airbrush painting of Betty Boop with a grossly exaggerated bust and a skimpy bikini.

"Would you look at that?" Helmut said.

"That's sump'n else." Uncle Sal answered. "I ain't seen a van like that for a long time. 'Specially not with that kinda paint job."

"You know who would like that? Sid Grumman."

"Grumman?"

"Yeah. Nobody likes to work on vans as much as he does."

"I don't doubt Grumman could get that thing offa cinder blocks. He's a wizard. And if he didn't like the paint job, I'm sure he'd come up with sump'n good there too. But he's already got two vans in his garage and one in his driveway. He ain't got room for anymore, 'less he opens up his own shop."

"I just thought..."

"Yeah, I know. You were thinking you'd tell Grumman about it. See what he could do with that beauty. It's a nice thought, but I'll tell ya...Grumman needs a van like Gish needs a rye, Trickle."

This episode featured:
Butch Femmstein as Uncle Sal
Fillmore Steinem as Giacomo
Roderick "Gitter" Dunn as Helmut Trickle
and
Jellybean Merengue as the FOR SALE sign.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Wait! Where are you going?... I was going to make espresso!"

Uncle Sal and the Salty Split (Episode 204)

2011-07-16T14:27:00.001-07:00

Inside the Salvador Deli, Uncle Sal removed his sedge hat and spotted Giacomo in a booth. Above the booth was a stuffed beaver on a tricycle. The beaver held a fan paintbrush under his front teeth and a pizza pan on his tail.

Giacomo had a pint glass, one empty shot glass and one shot of whiskey in front of him. "Getting it going early today, eh Giacomo?"

"After the discussion I've just had, I need it. My friends sure know how to put on the drama." A waiter in a Nehru jacket came to the table and Uncle Sal ordered the same that Giacomo was drinking.

"My friends Juan and Lulu..." Giacomo sipped his shot of whiskey. "They've been at it for months now, going back to St. Patrick's Day. Juan had a little too much to drink. He said some things he immediately regretted. She threw all of his clothes out on the lawn and his keys into the bushes. Since then, they've been on and off. He says something stupid. She kicks him out. He does something sweet and she takes him back."

Uncle Sal was beginning to see why Giacomo was taking such a heavy dose of alcohol.

"So Juan calls me today and tells me it's over for good. No going back now. She saw him with another woman and even though she and Juan were technically on a break, Lulu got jealous. Not that she asked who the woman was. She just went right into argument mode. She said she was going to her sister's place for a while and when she returned his stuff better be gone, or she would throw it in the fire pit and get rid of it there. Well, Lulu has this trunk that's been passed down from her grandma. It's beautiful, all oak. It would probably fetch a lot of money on one of those antique shoes. Or it would have before today. Juan told me that after she left, he went up with a green permanent marker and drew shamrocks all over the thing."

Uncle Sal sipped his Spud's and said, "I guess he's right. There's no way they're getting back together after Juan drew clovers on Lulu's chest."

This episode featured:
Lochlan Nicholson as Uncle Sal
Nollaig Ratched as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the fan paintbrush.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Who would have thought that dolphins could go bad and that fish were magnetic?"

Uncle Sal and the Ejected Ecclesiastic (Episode 203)

2011-07-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal removed his Skoal Bandits trucker cap as he entered I Pity the Pho for lunch with Sister Mary Evelyn. He saw the booth where she was seated and slid in across from her. He quickly ordered a 33 beer and a shot of Son Tinh. Mary Evelyn as always looked a little frazzled.

"Whatsa matter, sis?"

She sighed and said, "It's another shakeup at the church."

Uncle Sal moved a bottle of fish sauce to the side of the table and prepared for what he assumed would be a long story.

"You know Father Mackenzie was the priest. And he was really good. Everybody loved him. Well, almost everyone." Without even realizing she was doing it, Mary Evelyn turned her rosary in her hands. The Kohrs, Bill and Ethel, they felt like Father Mackenzie was getting a little too liberal. He had a Democrat's bumper sticker on his car and actually hinted in his sermons that maybe Americans are a little too uptight about things like marijuana. His example was a devoted churchgoer who needs medical marijuana. I believe his quote was, 'How can something be bad if it helps a righteous person?'"

Uncle Sal nodded as the drinks were set in front of him. He poured the 33 into a glass and took a long sip, leaving some foam on his lip.

"That was pretty much the last straw for him. The Kohrs give a lot of money to the church and they lobbied the parishioners and the diocese to find another place for Father Mackenzie. So the diocese did just that. And they brought in this Father Olczyk. He's a terribly nice man. He's the kind of guy that if you have a flat tire, he'll stop and help you change it. Or give you part of his lunch if you don't have enough money to buy your own."

"Sounds like a pretty good guy."

"He is. The thing is, he's just very boring. They wanted someone conservative and that's what they got. His sermons are...I'll just say it's not easy to stay awake. I don't know if it's his mellow tone of voice or his topics, but he has a hard time holding my interest. Father Mackenzie's politics didn't bother me. I wish we had him back."

"I can see that. Too bad the church chose the darn bore after the Kohrs revolted."

This episode featured:
Boniface McGee as Uncle Sal
Theodora Romana as Sister Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the rosary.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "People on 'ludes should not drive."

Uncle Sal and the Brobdingnagian Birthday Bash (Episode 202)

2011-07-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal and Alice got in the line for food at Bevon Bacall's Brobdingnagian Birthday Bash. Just about everything in Bevon's backyard was adorned with a submarine decoration. Uncle Sal speared a whole dill pickle with a plastic toothpick as Alice asked, "How do you know this guy again?"

"He's in the Grackles."

"Isn't it kind of weird to have a theme? I mean, it's like a kid's birthday party. What's his deal with submarines?"

Uncle Sal adjusted his Do It To It trucker hat "Yeah, maybe it's a little weird. Bevon's always sayin' that you got enough things weighin' ya down and makin' ya feel old, so ya might as well do whatever ya can to make ya feel like a kid again."

Uncle Sal piled some pastrami and pickled onions onto a hamburger bun, then spread a thick layer of pale ale mustard on top of it.

"As for the subs, he was in the navy. He spends a lot of time making scale-model subs. He's got 'em all over his house."

Alice and Uncle Sal drew closer to the dessert table. Alice pointed at a dessert shaped like the Washington Monument and asked. "What's with all the gelatin desserts?"

"Oh that. It's the only kinda dessert I ever seen him eat. Every year for the birthday bash, he asks people to bring their favorite gelatin dessert. People get pretty creative with the molds they use and the ingredients they put into it. See this one here?" He pointed to a gelatin dessert that matched the theme of the party. The mold for that one was a gift from me and a bunch of the other Grackles. Custom-made of course, from a shatter-proof kinda plastic. As long as he don't lose it, he should have it a long time."

Alice looked appalled. "Really? That's what you got him for his birthday?"

"Yeah. Pretty great, ain't it? A bunch of us chipped in and we all give 'im a Jell-o® submarine."

This episode featured:
Wilbert "Wiggles" Wigginton as Uncle Sal
Beverly "Sweets" Sauer as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Washington Monument dessert.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Put on your camo cuz you gotta blend into nature."

Check out my interview with the one and only Mojo Nixon

2011-06-26T22:38:00.000-07:00

I have been a fan of Mojo Nixon for a long time. He is truly one of my favorite musicians. Recently, I had the opportunity to interview Mojo for Examiner. It was truly the highlight of my professional life so far. It is a lengthy interview, but he gave a lot of great quotes. This ranks as one of my favorite interviews. Check it out.

Uncle Sal and the Alesmith Applicants (Episode 201)

2011-06-24T22:29:00.000-07:00

At the summer solstice skinny dip, Uncle Sal filled his cup from the keg of Spud's while Alice did a cannonball into the pool and overturned someone who had been floating on an inflatable ring shaped like a giraffe. When his cup was full, Giacomo and his new girlfriend Jordana came to fill their cups. Uncle Sal thought that bringing Jordana to a skinny dip party might have been the smartest thing Giacomo ever did.

"Hey Uncle Sal! Great party, isn't it?"

"Beer, barbecue, music, skinny dippin'. I don't suppose you could ask for much more."

"Did you see the story about Spud's in the paper today?"

"No. My paperboy has gotten really good at throwing my newspaper on the roof."

Giacomo, Jordana, and Uncle Sal moved toward the grill where Uncle Sal used the tongs to heap a pile of sauerkraut on his Chicago dog.

"Spud's apparently is going to try some craft brews and they have two finalists for the job. One is Fergus Bass. He used to work at Strange Brews so he does a lot of exotic things with his beers. He's not afraid to add some herbs or spices to his beer that are pretty unusual beer ingredients. Remember that stout he did with the star anise?"

Uncle Sal watched as Alice and someone he didn't recognize batted a beach ball back and forth in the pool. "Yeah, that was a good one."

"The other candidate for the job is Howard Thames. He used to work at Kodiak Beers. He does a lot of English ales. He does some American styles too. He used to brew the Freddie brown ale at Kodiak. Among others."

"That Freddie brown was always a good beer. Hard to go wrong with one of those."

"Exactly. He makes really good beers, but he's a total traditionalist. He figures people have been making beers a certain way for hundreds of years, so he doesn't need to change anything."

"Mmm-hmm. It seems to me that if you're going to branch out into something like craft brews, you might as well do something people can't get anywhere else. I hope they're pickin' Bass and shakin' Thames."

This episode featured:
Marco Spitzer as Uncle Sal
Butterfly MacGowan as Alice
Kadeem Gainer as Giacomo
Ruby Diver as Jordana
and
Jellybean Merengue as the beach ball.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She tried to sit in my lap while I was standing up."

Uncle Sal and the Extraordinary Evening (Episode 200)

2011-06-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" A little person dressed in a yellow and red Velcro suit screamed as he flew toward the mat covered with Velcro. The crowd cheered when he stuck to the wall about six feet off the ground.

"Sure was a good idea to come to this midget toss, Giacomo." Uncle Sal adjusted his Danville Braves trucker hat and took a long drink of Spud's from a red plastic cup promoting the fifth annual midget toss and crawfish boil.

"Yeah, this is always a good event."

The emcee announced the next contestant and a tall, dark-skinned man with a long ponytail stepped up to take his turn throwing a midget.

"Look at the size of that guy. He must be six-nine, two-fifty. And it's a bold man that can go around wearing only a loincloth."

"I know that guy. That's Crowfoot. He's 100 percent Cree Indian. I went to see my friend's band the other night. You met her. She's in Fun Buster and the Wet Blankets. Anyway, Crowfoot's band The Potato Chippewas was the headliner. Didn't know anything about the band but it mixes traditional Indian music with hardcore punk." Giacomo threw a pistachio shell on the ground. "So he says the band is going to do a cover song and asks if anyone in the audience knows the words to 'How Can I Say I Love You (with a Shotgun in my Mouth?' I was the only one that raised my hand, and he invited me on stage to come and sing it."

"That's something you won't forget easily."

"Yeah, and that's not all. Crowfoot's got this bassist in his band who just calls himself The Dave. He's written a book called The Punk Manifesto. He announced that he was going to give away a copy to anyone who could answer a trivia question that I happened to know. So there I am just supporting a friend's band..."

"And you end up with the band of the Cree and the tome of The Dave."

This episode featured:
Furley Banner as Uncle Sal
Gerhard Flagg as Giacomo
Jose Canusee as Crowfoot
Early Light as the midget
and
Jellybean Merengue as the loincloth.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Report back to me when it makes sense."

Uncle Sal and the Pressured Paramour (Episode 199)

2011-06-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal and Giacomo were joined in The Crow Bar by Julius Hudderslee. Uncle Sal removed his Descendents trucker cap from the stool next to him to make room for Julius.

"Why the long face, Jules?"

Julius ordered a white russian and said, "I gotta go to marriage class at St. Hedwig's."

Uncle Sal winced. "Well, no one says ya gotta go."

"Abbie does. It's the craziest thing. Abbie hasn't been to a Catholic church since she was old enough to decide she didn't want to go, but her mom is insisting we go to these marriage workshops because she wants to make sure we do things right. She's even going to sit in on the classes with us." Julius removed his glass from a Crazy Train coaster and took a long drink from his white Russian. "It's every Saturday for two months. This is the first one. Can you imagine? And you know what's the worst part? The classes are taught by a nun. A nun! What does a nun know about marriage?"

Uncle Sal shook his head and noticed an extra-large red thong hanging from the rafters of the bar. "Ya oughta come with us to the bikini mud run. Everyone who enters, even the guys, has to wear a bikini. And they serve pretty good beer there too."

"Don't tempt me. Besides, if I was about to do something fun, Abbie would probably sense it and find some way to put an end to it."

Uncle Sal popped a peanut butter pretzel into his mouth. "Look, Jules. Ya said this class goes on for two months, right? What happens if you skip one of them? I mean, it ain't like she's gonna call off the wedding, right? Besides, what's gonna be more memorable? A bikini mud run or some stuffy marriage class?"

"Well, there's no doubt the bikini mud run would be more fun and memorable, but...I'm gonna have to hear it from Abbie if I skip the first class."

"You only live once."

Jules knitted his brow and said, "I shouldn't."

"You don't want to go to that class. Why not do something you want to do?"

Jules remained tight-lipped.

"Three words: bikini mud run. Go on, shake the honey and nun."

This episode featured:
Steve Millevich as Uncle Sal
Mack Eagleton as Giacomo
Abney K. Dabra as Julius Hudderslee
and
Jellybean Merengue as the extra-large red thong.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If I had known it was going to be this kind of party I would have worn underwear."

Uncle Sal and the Brilliant Bootlegger (Episode 198)

2011-06-04T13:33:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal entered the wine cellar of his friend Brit Blessington and removed his Levi's trucker cap. "Heckuva setup ya got here. I never seen so much wine outside of a restaurant."

"I've been collecting for years. It's a labor of love. Here, try this." Brit opened a bottle of pinot noir and gave Uncle Sal the cork to smell. He then poured a splash into a glass and handed it to Uncle Sal.

Uncle Sal smelled the wine because he knew that's what he was supposed to do, but he didn't know exactly what he was supposed to smell. He sipped it and said, "That's pretty good. Smooth."

"That's from Slovakia."

The host led Uncle Sal through rows of bottles of reds, whites, and some wines that Uncle Sal had never heard of and couldn't pronounce. Finally, they came to a cask marked with three big black Xs.

"What's that one? Is that the strongest one in your collection?"

"No, that's for a very special customer. You know Nigel Colcroft?"

"Colcroft? Isn't he the guy that got sent away for embezzlement?"

"Exactly. And what do you think is the thing prisoners request most often, especially in a white collar prison? Aside from a willing female partner." Without waiting for Uncle Sal, he said, "Alcohol. These guys have been put away and they never get any alcohol to drink. So Nigel and I came up with a plan. Whatever is left at the end of a bottle, I pour it in here. When this is full, I get the wine to the prison. He sells this stuff to the other guys in the prison for whatever currency they use. He of course will pay me when he gets out in a couple years."

"You mean to tell me this guy is selling leftover wine to prisoners?"

"Absolutely. They don't care as long as it's alcoholic. It's the best they're going to get until they're out."

"Pretty clever. Who would have ever thought you could make a business just by putting all your dregs in one cask, Britt."

This episode featured:
Ed Riesling as Uncle Sal
Heinrich Gewurtztraminer as Brit Blessington
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cork.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "We ain't heroes. We're businessmen."

Uncle Sal and the Bewildered Bartender (Episode 197)

2011-05-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal walked into The Crow Bar and asked Kelly for a pint of Spud's. He put his Red Man trucker hat on the bar and said, "Whatsa matter, Kelly? You look like someone who just lost a puppy."

Kelly fiddled with her left earring and said, "It's men."

Uncle Sal wished he hadn't asked the question. He thought this might take a while so he ordered a shot of Bulleit to go with his beer.

"I just don't understand them," she said. "Like my boyfriend. You know him. Doug Peltz. Well, I got this shirt at a nice little boutique. It's a frilly long-sleeved white shirt. Really nice."

Uncle Sal sighed, shot his bourbon, and set the glass on the bar.

"It's the sort of thing I can wear on a night out with him. That's what I bought it for. But I came home from work one day and he's wearing it, just around the house. When I asked about it, he told me he likes it because it makes him look like a pirate. I'm dating a guy who likes wearing my clothes."

After pulling a pint for someone who had just walked in, Kelly poured the liquid off of one of the bar mats and said, "And then there's my band, Fun Buster and the Wet Blankets. We just auditioned drummers and it came down to two guys: Avery Hawkins and Phil Schott. Avery is perfect. He's been in punk bands before. He hits the drums hard, and that's what we need for our garage sound. Except the guys in the band outvoted me. Even though Phil is a jazz drummer, the guys chose him because they think his personality is a better fit. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong. But I don't think he's right for our band. And ultimately I think we'll be looking for a drummer again in a few months." Kelly blew her bangs out of her eyes and sipped a beer of her own.

After a long sip from his pint, Uncle Sal said, "Well, I don't know if you can condemn all men just because you got Peltz in your blouse and Schott in your band."

This episode featured:
M. Emmett Marrs as Uncle Sal
Candy Rappeur as Kelly
and
Jellybean Merengue as the earring.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If they told you wolverines would make good house pets, would you believe them?"

Uncle Sal and the Misidentified Manager (Episode 196)

2011-05-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal had just put the second slice of bread on top of his roast beef and Nutella sandwich with extra horseradish when the doorbell rang. He opened it and saw the manager of the local high school baseball team Jules Dmietriewiecz.

"Hey Jules, how ya doin? I just finished makin' a roast beef and Nutella sandwich. Want me to make you one?"

"Umm...no thanks. I just need to borrow your drain snake."

"I left it over by the door for ya. Beer?"

"Sure. I'll have a beer."

Uncle Sal removed two bottles of Spud's from his fridge, opened them and handed one to Jules. After a sip, Jules said, "Sometimes all it takes to make you feel human again is a sip of beer." He fished his cell phone out of his pocket and said, "Hey, you know Tor Hammerstaag's wife Dagmar?"

"Sure, I know her. Nice lookin' woman, like a Scandinavian goddess."

"Maybe so, but I have questions about her brain. Listen to this."

Jules pressed a couple buttons on his phone and after a few seconds, Dagmar's voice came through. "Hey Pate, it's Dagmar. I just wanted to thank you so much for bringing your jambalaya to the school fundraiser. It was a big hit. And say hi to your lovely wife Della for me."

"Why'd she call you Pate?"

"As far as she knows, that's my name. She thinks I'm Tor's old golf buddy Myron Pate. I mean, I see her all the time at events where our kids go to school and she calls me Pate every time. Even when I'm wearing a name tag. I've corrected her myself. She's heard other people call me by my name, but it never seems to stick. It's so weird, like she has some kind of amnesia just about my name. She always remembers Della's name, but me..."

"Guess you'll just have to accept that you're always Pate with Tor's misses."

This episode featured:
"Hill" Billy D. Luxx as Uncle Sal
Dewey Frizzell as Jules
and
Jellybean Merengue as the drain snake.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I keep drinkin', but you're still ugly."

Uncle Sal and the Suspect Speculation (Episode 195)

2011-05-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

Giacomo was already at the table in the Cocked-up Cafe when Uncle Sal walked in. Uncle Sal removed his I H8 Biebs trucker hat, wiped his forehead with a red bandana and went to the counter where he ordered a coffee with two shots of espresso. He sat down across from Giacomo who had just finished pouring some Kessler whiskey into his cappuccino.

"Hey Giacomo, how ya been?"

"I've been pretty good and I think I'm about to be doing a lot better. You know my friend Dwight Stanislaus?"

Uncle Sal sighed. "I think I know where this is goin'. What's Dwight's plan for makin' money now?"

"It's a restaurant."

Uncle Sal rolled his eyes, then thanked the waitress who brought his coffee. Before he even tasted it, he emptied two miniature bottles of Jameson and one packet of sugar into it. "Giacomo, ya gotta know restaurants are a bad investment. Ya know how many of 'em go under in less than two years?"

"I know all that. But this restaurant idea is genius. It's a place where you can brew your own beer and make your own pizza. And the servers will all be young, attractive women wearing skimpy Catholic schoolgirl outfits. How can it miss?"

Uncle Sal rubbed the stubble on his chin. "What's the buy-in?"

"It's up to you."

"Well, it sounds like the sorta place I'd love to go to. Heck, I think it'd be a hit with any guy. Still, I don't know about it. If it was comin' from someone else, maybe I'd be more excited about it. 'Member when he got us to invest in Argentine cattle? Said it was a sleeper pick that a lot of folks was missin' out on. Well, it was a sleeper all right and it kept on sleepin'."

"Yeah, but...beer, pizza, hot chicks. It's got smash hit written all over it."

"I'm gonna have to think on it because I'm still kinda smartin' from the sly Dwight's past scheming."

This episode featured:
Francis Scott Kieszlowski as Giacomo
Nat Anthemms as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bandana.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Where do middle-aged women get all of them spice racks?"

Uncle Sal and the Haunted Huntsman (Episode 194)

2011-05-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal entered Rock Around the Cocktails and removed his Carlton trucker hat. As he walked toward his friend Seamus O'Haim, he saw the bartender touch a lit kitchen match to a drink and then set the flaming drink on the bar. Uncle Sal ordered two Grateful Deads, then sat on the stool next to Seamus.

"You all right, mate?" Seamus asked after he removed the See's Candies lollipop from his mouth.

"Feelin' pretty good. I already booked my deer huntin' trip for later this year."

"That's some advance planning. Deer season is still months away."

"Yeah, I know. But I'm going to a good spot, so I wanted to make sure I have everything in order early. It's this place in Pennsylvania, recommended to me by Ulric Gill."

Seamus sipped his Grateful Dead and said, "Gill? The albino?"

"He ain't an albino. Least he wasn't born one. What happened was this. Ulric was on his annual huntin' trip, but he and the other guys he was with, they didn't see nothin' for a couple days. Like the deer were hidin' from 'em. But they had the camp for an entire week, so they stayed." Uncle Sal took a big drink of his Grateful Dead, then popped a couple pistachios in his mouth.
Well, Ulric one day, he's gotta use the can, so he heads off into the woods with his book and toilet paper. As he's squatting there, along comes a buck. Now, you know what a rutting buck is like. Only one thing on his mind and he'll take anything close to what he's looking for. That buck charged Ulric, and Ulric with his pants around his ankles. Not for long of course. He hiked up his pants and started running away from that buck. I don't think the fastest man alive could have caught Ulric that day. He heads back toward the cabin and somehow he's able to stay ahead of that buck. He gets to the door of the cabin and tries the knob. He's too nervous, can't open the door. He tries again. Nothin' happens. So he turns with his back to the door, thinking this is the end. Well, before that buck could tear him to shreds, someone opened the door and Ulric fell right in. He just lay there catatonic on the floor for a good long while.

Uncle Sal checked the score of the Wombats game on the television above the bar. "He woke up the next morning, his hair was white and it don't matter how much time he spends in the sun. He stays white no matter what."

Seamus looked at Uncle Sal and said, "Are you trying to tell me..."

"That's right. It's the deer that made Gill chalky, Seamus."

This episode featured:
Arion Schlitz as Uncle Sal
"Milwaukee" Mike Barley as Seamus
and
Jellybean Merengue as the kitchen match.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hey, Morrissey. Kiss my big hairy butt."

Uncle Sal and the Brainstorming Bluesman (Episode 193)

2011-04-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

Inside the Turn Your Head and Coffee Shop, Giacomo brought two large coffees to the table. Uncle Sal topped his off with a miniature bottle of rye and Giacomo tipped a little Kahlua into his. Uncle Sal took off his Sturgis 2004 trucker hat and looked at the CD Giacomo had just removed from his jacket pocket.

"Who's that?" Uncle Sal asked.

"That's my friend Tu Nguyen. They had his CD up at the counter because he plays here pretty frequently."

"Yeah, what's he play?"

"Blues. Usually he plays a six-string, but sometimes he'll play a 12-string. He plays harmonica on some of the songs too."

Uncle Sal dunked his biscotti into the coffee and took a bite.

"And just look at the song titles." Giacomo handed the jewel case to Uncle Sal.

"Broken Shoelace Blues, Soggy Corn Flake Blues, My Steering Wheel's Too Hot."

"Isn't it great? That's what he does. He writes songs about every day things like that. In fact, when he does a show now he doesn't even make up a set list. He just asks an audience member to come up with a subject and he composes a song right there on the spot. And he records every show so he can add all these songs to his CDs."

"Pretty impressive. And you say he can do this about any topic?"

"Any topic."

"Maybe I oughta go to one of his shows. I gotta idea for a song for 'im. The other day, I went out to my car and saw that I had a flat. Had it towed to Manny's garage. Manny tells me there ain't just one but two nails in the tire."

"That would be perfect. I have no doubt he could write a song about that."

"I think I'll do that. I mean, I can sit here and talk about it, but from what you're tellin' me, only Tu can lament porous tires."

This episode featured:
Smokey Jackets as Giacomo
Mississippi Jacek Antoniewiecz as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the jewel case.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I mean that Mendocino beano."

Uncle Sal and the Student's Shortcomings (Episode 192)

2011-04-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

Dan O'Toole had just finished his lunch in the Salvador Deli. Even though Uncle Sal was still working on his pastrami and giant pickle, Dan asked for the check.

After a big sip from his Cajun martini, Uncle Sal said, "Whoa! What's your hurry, chief?"

"Unfortunately, I can't stay. I have to go to my son's school for a conference with his teacher. I don't know what's happened this semester. He's normally so good with math, but right now he's getting a D."

Uncle Sal removed a napkin from the shrunken head napkin dispenser and said, "Maybe it's the teacher. A good teacher can make a big difference. Like in the town where I grew up, ya basically had to go through a whole family of teachers, starting with Old Man Roy. He taught basic algebra. Before ya ever got to his class, ya heard about how he'd throw chalkboard erasers at kids in his class that talked too much. Then ya find out the hard way the first time one of them erasers conked ya in the ol' coconut. And if he ever caught ya chewin' gum in his classroom, he'd make ya scrape all the old gum wads off the bottom of every desk."

The waitress set the check on the table and after another sip of his Cajun martini, Sal continued. "Ya spent so much time being terrified of him, ya didn't really learn nothin'. Then the next year, ya got his wife for geometry. Nice lady, and nice to look at, but she ain't a good teacher. She'd explain sump'n and if someone asked a question about it, she'd explain it the same way. Finally, you'd get the son Kingsley for advanced algebra. He was a real good teacher. I mean, it ain't easy to make kids learn algebra, but he was always lookin' for ways to make math fun. First time in my life I got an A in math, mostly because the guy was nothin' like his old man."

Dan signed the check and said, "You may be right. Maybe this teacher just isn't getting through to him."

"See if he can move into a class with a different teacher. Ya never know who's gonna be able to reach a kid. Think about it. I had three teachers in the same family, but the only Roy who could ever teach me was the son of a creature, Dan."

This episode featured:
Dusty Trayles as Dan O'Toole
Hans Springfield as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the shrunken head napkin dispenser.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Are gringos falling from the sky?"

Uncle Sal and the Disappointed Debutante (Episode 191)

2011-04-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal entered Jungle Jim's Juice Emporium and ordered a Guava Smash. As he waited to receive the drink, he saw Shayna, the big Motley Crue fan he had once drawn in chalk.

He adjusted his CAMPEON DEL MUNDO trucker hat and said, "Hey there, Shayna. How ya been?"

She squinted at him and it took a moment for her to recognize who he was. "Hey! Sam, right?"

"Sal."

"I never pegged you for a juice sort of guy, especially after seeing all those Spud's beer signs in your basement."

"Well, juice is good too. Besides, between you and me, that Guava Smash goes great with a little rum." He removed a miniature bottle of dark rum from his pocket and gave it a little shake.

Shayna handed him his drink and informed her manager that she was going to have a smoke. She asked Sal to join her outside on the bench. "I have to tell you something. It's very exciting news! I've been invited to this formal gala and I'm telling you, from the invitation, it sounds like a real-life Cinderella sort of deal. All the women are supposed to show up in beautiful gowns. I haven't gotten mine yet, but I know I'm going to look for something emerald. Green just looks so good on me. I can't tell you how excited I am to go to this. I mean, isn't this every girl's dream?"

Uncle Sal tipped the rum into his cup and sipped it. He smiled at the taste, then grimaced when he realized he had set his foot in a wad of gum on the ground. He wondered how she could talk so much without breathing.

"And the men have been instructed to dress up too. The whole thing: tails, ties, top hats, I imagine I'll even see a few monocles. Wouldn't that be something? I don't think I've ever been around someone wearing a monocle. The only thing the men can't wear is spats. Apparently, the host wants to be the only one wearing them."

"Spats?"

"Yeah, you know those things men wear over their shoes."

"I know what they are, but that's a curious request. First of all, who wears spats anymore. Well, except for one guy. Say, who invited you to this shindig?"

"A very rich, eccentric man who calls himself Baron von Lowenstein."

"That's what I thought. Listen, I know you're excited, but I don't think you should go. This guy, the baron, he's not someone you wanna hang out with, from what I hear. All his life, everything's been handed to him, including the money to buy his mansion. He's got more money'n he knows what to do with and that's why he dresses like he just stepped out of an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. Spats are his trademark cuz no one else wears them. Thing I hear is, he invites people like you over just so he can make fun of them in front of his rich friends and business partners."

Shayna had just taken a drag of her cigarette and exhaled it in a loud breath. "Really? So I won't get the chance to be like Cinderella?"

"Nope. You've been invited as a patsy by the brat in the spats."

This episode featured:
Pete "Mr. Peanut" Gatsby as Uncle Sal
Odelia Barnes as Shayna
and
Jellybean Merengue as the wad of gum.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I wish I was as big as you, but not so stupid."

Uncle Sal and the Colossal Cabeza (Episode 190)

2011-04-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

Inside the Root Hog or Diner Uncle Sal stirred his bloody Mary with the celery stalk and took a sip. As he added more pepper to it, he saw Giacomo enter with a newspaper under his arm. Giacomo hung his coat on one of the hooks by the door, then went to the table where a white Russian was already waiting for him. He took a big sip and said, "Boy they sure know how to mix a drink here."

"One of the best reasons to come here."

Giacomo unfolded the newspaper and said, "Have you seen this picture?"

"I don't bother much with the newspaper anymore, 'cept the sports and the comics. Say, did you see Pearls Before Swine today? Them crocs sure are funny characters. Uncle Sal quickly swatted at a fly that had followed Giacomo to the table, then looked at the photo. It showed a red-faced Mayor Spoonbill jogging in a sweatshirt. "Don't seem like too big a deal. I've seen lotsa pictures of the mayor on his daily jog."

"But did you look at the caption?"

Uncle Sal looked more closely at the picture, then read the caption. The writer noted that the hood had been cut off of the mayor's hooded sweatshirt and intimated that perhaps it had been removed because it didn't fit over the mayor's "oversized dome."

Uncle Sal shook his head. "Boy, I never woulda gotten away with that when I wrote for a newspaper. Back then, we had to write about actual news, not the size of someone's melon. This kinda stuff is part of the reason I don't really read the paper no more. Ya got all these problems in the city and this writer's got nothin' better to do than wonder does the mayor fit in the hoods."

This episode featured:
Eddie "Goober" Nader as Uncle Sal
Dean Honcho as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the fly.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Mona Lisa was a man."

Uncle Sal and the Hopeful Hoopster (Episode 189)

2011-04-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

Inside A Boy Named Sushi, Uncle Sal sat on his tatami across from Randy Osorio. "How've ya been, Randy?"

"I'm doing great!" Randy reached into his shirt pocket and removed a photo of a boy who looked about 15. "That's my sister's kid."

Uncle Sal removed his glasses from the pocket of his lime green guayabera shirt. He wished the guy would have had the decency to wait until some hot sake was on the table before bringing out the photo. "Which sister?"

"Loretta. Remember, she married Efrem Budal. The architect."

Uncle Sal glanced at the photo, then asked a passing waiter to bring some hot sake. Nothing like sushi and hot sake to precede a good afternoon nap.

"He's tall."

"Can you believe it? The kid has grown seven inches since Christmas. He's six-five now and he's probably not done growing. And you know what's the best part?"

Uncle Sal used chopsticks to pick up a gyoza that Randy had ordered and popped it into his mouth.

"Loretta wants me to practice basketball with him. It's been a while since high school, but I can still shoot the ball. And teach him how to get rebounds."

Uncle Sal chewed the gyoza. He remembered Randy's days as a power forward at the local high school, but didn't remember those days as anything noteworthy.

"I mean, just look at the kid. OK, he could stand to put on some muscle. But he's going to be bigger than almost every kid he plays against. If I teach him some good post moves, he could probably dominate those other kids. And then he might start getting some attention from colleges. Wouldn't that be great? My nephew playing big-time college ball?"

"Well, I don't know if he'll be interested in basketball. Or if he'll be any good. But he sure is a lanky Budal, Randy."

This episode featured:
Oscar Robertson Wilde as Uncle Sal
Simon "Spike" Krzyzewski as Randy
and
Jellybean Merengue as the tatami.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The world is your oyster. It's too bad you're allergic to shellfish."

Uncle Sal and the Shunned Statesman (Episode 188)

2011-03-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal walked to the counter of the body shop where the lowering springs on his Dodge Dart were being replaced. Giacomo looked at a blue pine tree air freshener, then saw the mechanic coming to the counter. His greasy work shirt had a patch above the pocket with the name Hung. Giacomo sipped his latte spiked with Kahlua and narrowed his eyes as Hung began to talk to Uncle Sal.

"Sal, good to see you. Your car is almost done. Just give me 15 more minutes to finish and clean up the car a little bit."

Uncle Sal sat down in one of the naugahyde chairs in the waiting area and opened a package of dried wasabi peas. As Hung went back to the shop, Giacomo asked, "Why does that guy look so familiar?"

"That's Hung Nguyen. He used to be on the city council."

"He didn't get re-elected?"

"Didn't even run. He got tired of all the political games. In the last election, three seats were open, including his. He was a pretty good city councilman, but you can never be too sure in politics. So, he goes around to the other members of his party, looking for endorsements. Ya know how it is in politics. Sometimes, it ain't about what a candidate stands for. It's about who he knows and who endorses him." Uncle Sal opened a can of Clamato that had been in his pocket and took a big sip. "Well, all of his allies said they would be on his side. They all swore they would endorse him. Only, he had the nerve to disagree with them on a couple issues. Well, a couple weeks before the election, he finds that all of his allies had endorsed him at first, but then changed their endorsements. They all got behind this hot new candidate name of Brandt Hartley. This kid, he's got the right education and everything. But more than that, he agrees with all of the people in his party, and he can be controlled a little easier than Hung ever could."

"Wow! So, just like that he's out of politics for good."

"Yup. He's just too honest. But I ain't complainin' cuz now he's the Nguyen beneath my springs."

This episode featured:
Harris "Boss" Tweed as Uncle Sal
Gerry Mander as Giacomo
Stump Fitzhume as Hung Nguyen
and
Jellybean Merengue as the air freshener.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Something stinks in suburbia."

Thanks to Jeff Johnson for inspiring the clincher in this episode.

Uncle Sal and the Tardy Tipplers (Episode 187)

2011-03-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal, Giacomo and Steve McCool parked the RV in the parking lot of the Grackles meeting hall, but didn't see anyone else who was supposed to join them in their trip to the beerfest at the brewery that was about 50 miles away.

Uncle Sal took a sip of rye from his UTSA flask and said, "Boy, I tell ya, I can't wait for this beerfest. I was reading about it and they're gonna have a whole tent for tasting scotch ales."

"Yeah. I read that there's going to be one beer made with macadamia nuts and chocolate. I can't say I've ever had a beer like that." Giacomo popped a piece of wintergreen gum in his mouth and started to chew."

"That does sound pretty good. Course as long as it's not some fizzy yellow beer, it sounds pretty good to me." Uncle Sal reached into the glove box, moved aside a 1973 road map of Pennsylvania, and removed a small bag of cheese crackers.

After 10 minutes, the others still hadn't arrived. "Who'd you say was gonna be drivin' us today?" Uncle Sal asked.

"Burt Van Rijn. Yeah, I mean, he doesn't drink so he's the perfect choice. All we had to do was pay for his ticket into the place."

"And who has the tickets?"

"Oh, Henry Jervis took care of all of that."

Uncle Sal took another sip of rye and said, "And he's bringing all the beer for the ride down, right? I mean, that's why we got the RV and the designated driver, right? So we could get warmed up before we even arrive at the beerfest."

"Yeah, Henry said he'd take care of the refreshments too."

Uncle Sal crumpled up the wrapper of the cheese crackers and said, "Well, I hope them guys get here soon. We'll look pretty silly sitting in the parking lot all day with no Burt, no booze, and no Jervis."

This episode featured:
Paul Anner as Uncle Sal
Porter von Lowenbrau as Giacomo
Phillippe Gueuze as Steve McCool
and
Jellybean Merengue as the map of Pennsylvania.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm more afraid of tetanus shots than Dracula."

Uncle Sal and the Cut-off Companion (Episode 186)

2011-03-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

Giacomo and his new girlfriend Dara climbed into the Dodge Dart and Uncle Sal headed toward the Elvis impersonator contest at the fairgrounds.

Dara reached toward the front seat and offered Uncle Sal a pretzel flavored like Buffalo wings. He took one and popped it in his mouth. "Say, that's pretty good."

"Better than the place where we just ate. Have you been to Knuckle's Sandwiches?"

"No. No good, eh?" Uncle Sal asked as he glanced at the rearview mirror. He didn't like how closely the blue Honda was following him.

"Put it to you this way. It's kind of a high-end sandwich shop and they have a hostess seat you. But when we arrived, there was a pickle on my chair and the remains of someone's sandwich on the table."

"Sounds a little like this place I went to when I was a restaurant critic. Place where I ended up makin' a scene. I went with my friend Dee Guardia. We walked in and saw a June bug scurrying across the carpet. There was a bunch of lettuce under our table and some dirty napkins on our chairs. Dee tells me we should go. She don't wanna eat in this place. I told her that I was on assignment, so I had to review the place. Plus, they had great beer specials."

Uncle Sal removed a bottle of nasal spray from the pocket of his ocher guayabera shirt and put one squirt in each nostril. "Well, she sure took advantage of the beer specials. It's all she had. She protested eating anything there. I had some linguine with clams. It wasn't bad, but nothin' to write home about. None of the food was too spectacular. Plus, we noticed that the mess that had been at our table wasn't the only one. There were scraps and stains all over the carpet.
While I was eating my dessert, Dee ordered probably her sixth beer. The waiter said they couldn't serve her anymore. As I had been eating, her complaints about the place got louder and louder. He said she didn't need no more of them beers. She asked to see a manager and that's where it got interesting. There she is, berating the manager for being cut off. He's yelling at her, telling her she's had far too much already. Meanwhile, I'm yelling at the manager for the all the grime in the restaurant, telling him I wouldn't eat in his place again if someone dared me."

"Sounds like total chaos."

"I suppose you could put it that way. It was quite a scene when the guy refused Dee while I dissed his sty."

This episode featured:
Jimmy Henricks as Uncle Sal
Raoul "Purple" Haze as Giacomo
Gypsy Neptune as Dara
and
Jellybean Merengue as the nasal spray.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The whole family is a bunch of dangerous freaks...Most are ex-cons or junkies or deranged from inbreeding."

Uncle Sal and the Maltreated Mascot (Episode 185)

2011-03-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

Giacomo entered Uncle Sal's house and said, "Hey, where do you want to go to lunch? I was thinking about Han's Soul Oh! I could go for some of those spice collard greens with bacon."

"Yeah, it sounds good, but I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't? Like something came up?"

Uncle Sal sipped his Irish rickey and said, "No. Nothin' came up. It's just, I can't."

"But I don't understand. I don't know anybody that likes soul food as much as you."

"Well, it's like this. I had a little bit of an incident there last week."

"An incident? What do you mean?"

"I went there with Alice last week. Ya know, Cindy DuValliere used to be in the otter costume outside the restaurant." Uncle Sal shook some hot sauce into the bottom of a glass, then poured top of it. He used his American College of Surgeons pocketknife to cut the foil off a bottle of rye, added it to the drink and handed it to Giacomo.

"She ain't the otter anymore. It's some guy. Anyway, Alice and I are heading into the place and he says, 'Hey baby! How 'bout you and I get together later?' Fer all he knows, she's my wife and he's just gonna approach her like that. Then he keeps goin' on. Wonderin' why such a good-lookin' woman is with me and not with a real man. As if a real man would ever be in a giant rodent costume. The guy just wouldn't shut up, ya know. Which is what he woulda done if he knew what was good for him. Finally, he said one thing too many and I gave him a good push. He fell right into the rosebush outside the restaurant. The owner tole me I don't need to bother comin' back. Ever."

"Wait a minute. You got banned from the soul diner?"

"Yeah, I got banned from the place and all because I shoved that flirty otter."

This episode featured:
Charles Rivers as Giacomo
Stan Delz as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pocketknife.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Real nice party. I see a lot of familiar facelifts."

Uncle Sal and the Loudmouthed Lightweights (Episode 184)

2011-02-26T13:05:00.000-08:00

Uncle Sal walked into the Grackles annual Mardi Gras party and got a hurricane from the bartender. He spotted Giacomo at the other end of the bar. As he walked toward Giacomo, Uncle Sal removed two perfecto cigars from the pocket of his teal guayabera shirt and handed one to Giacomo.

"This is such a great bash," Giacomo shouted over the sounds of the zydeco music coming from the speakers. I hope the Grackles never stop having the Mardi Gras party."

"Yeah, it sure is a good one. Nothin' like knockin' back some hurricanes and dancing with pretty girls to zydeco music."

Uncle Sal removed his The Young Werewolves Zippo from his pocket and after piercing the top of the cigar with a golf tee (to bite off the end was crude), lit his cigar. After a couple puffs, he noticed a group of guys over in the corner. They were cheering one guy to chug a pitcher of beer, if you could call it that. It barely had more color than a glass of water. "Who are those savages? What kinda yahoo drinks light beer at a Mardi Gras party?"

"That's the Flegger brothers and some of their friends."

"Those are Dean's kids? Boy, how long they been drinkin' already? Look at 'em. They're all red and the brown-haired one looks like he's havin' a hard time standin'."

"Yeah, they volunteered to help set up, I'm assuming so they could start drinking before the party actually started. The thing is, these guys can't really hold their alcohol. I went to college with the brown-haired one, Damon, and I never saw someone throw up from alcohol so frequently. And yeah, his brother, I think his name is Dan, doesn't seem to be any better. Probably the best thing to do is to call a cab for those guys right now, before they get out of control and wreck something."

"Too late. Damon just fell into that potted ficus. Just goes to show you Fleggers can't be boozers."

This episode featured:
Carl Neval as Uncle Sal
Bon T. Roulee as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the potted ficus.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A word to the wise is infuriating."

Uncle Sal and the Winged Wombat (Episode 183)

2011-02-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

Uncle Sal entered Joe's place for the weekly pinochle game, removed his wet two-tone wingtips and left them on the welcome mat that bore the message "Hi, I'm Mat." He slipped out of his Mackintosh, hung it on the hook by the door, and walked to the fridge. Joe shuffled the cards as Uncle Sal cracked open his first Spud's.

Settling into his seat, Uncle Sal said, "Didja see who the Wombats picked up in the draft?"

Joe shook his head.

"Dion Vine."

Joe continued to deal, giving no sign that he had ever heard of the player.

"It's Sweetpea Vine's kid. You know, the all-time stolen base leader for the Wombats. Remember how quick he was? He was able to stand up on second base before the catcher could even get the ball outta his mitt." Uncle Sal put a bleu cheese olive in his mouth and continued. "Well, they say this kid Dion is even faster than his old man. In his senior year of high school, the kid stole more than a hunnerd bases. And they don't play nearly as many games in high school. You know them guys say they can turn out the lights and be under the covers in bed before the room is dark? Well, this kid can flip the switch, read a chapter of a book and be under the covers before it's dark."

"Wait a minute. The Wombats just drafted this kid outta high school? What are you so excited about? The kid's never played against real good competition. And besides, he might blow out his knee and never do nothin' for the Wombats."

"What am I so excited about? Don'tcha see? What's the one thing the Wombats have been missin' all these years? A good leadoff hitter. They always get guys that try to hit home runs. They forget that a leadoff hitter is supposed to get on base and let the guys behind him drive him home. And now, the Wombats have a guy that can steal bases anytime he wants."

After a long pull from his bottle of Spud's, Uncle Sal said, "And they didn't just get any guy. They got the fleet child of Vine."

This episode featured:
Lou Brockman as Uncle Sal
Rick E. Hendrickson as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Mackintosh.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hey! Ain't you that girl that hit the other girl in the face with your hair?"

Get your Jellybean Merengue stickers at Zazzle

2011-02-14T21:48:00.001-08:00

That's right, all you Salcoholics. You can be the proud owner of some Jellybean Merengue stickers. Available in two sizes (a sheet of 20 1-inch stickers or 6 3-inch stickers) and colors (black and yellow).
Order yours at Zazzle now.

Uncle Sal and the Absconded Artist (Episode 182)

2011-02-12T12:32:00.000-08:00

Inside Emerson's Boozer Uncle Sal had just tipped a little extra scotch from his flask into his smoky martini when Giacomo removed his phone from his pocket. At first, he laughed, then he went quiet. Uncle Sal took a big sip from his glass and said, "Whatsamatter, Giacomo? You look like you just got some bad sushi."

"You remember my old girlfriend Tricia? The one that made the Chewbacca bike?"

"Oh yeah! Nice girl. Very creative. And gorgeous."

"Well, she just sent me this message. The first thing I saw is this picture. His name is Guy Latune. I mean, just look at this guy." Giacomo handed the phone over and Uncle Sal looked at a picture of a man in a tank top with tattoos up to his neck. His hair looked like it was slicked back with about half a pound of pomade.

"Whoa! Will ya look at that guy?" Uncle Sal tossed a chipotle macadamia nut into his mouth. Emerson's didn't always make the strongest drinks, but it always had the best bar snacks.

Giacomo sipped from his Leafer Madness pint glass. "I know! I thought she was just sending me a picture of a guy she thought looks funny. But in the message, she says that's her husband. Her husband? I mean, I never thought Tricia was the type to get married, let alone to a guy who looks like that. She swears he's the best guy ever. I guess she would know better than me. But here's the capper. She said she knew the guy for six hours before they decided to head to Vegas to get married. She wrote how magical it was and that when they met, they just clicked. And now, she's living in an Airstream trailer in Wyoming. With that guy! She left her art studio behind and...Boy, I just can't believe..."

"That Trish ran away with Latune."

This episode featured:
Newsome Rimes as Uncle Sal
Arthur Diddley as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the phone.
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "That's nonsense. I invented electricity. Ben Franklin is the devil!"

Uncle Sal and the Converted Carouser (Episode 181)

2011-02-05T20:29:00.000-08:00

Uncle Sal sat in The Crow Bar watching a college hockey game. He had just dipped a chip into his bowl of queso when Fred Crocker came and sat next to him. "Hey Sal, how ya been?"

Uncle Sal removed a bottle of ghost chili sauce from the pocket of his gold guayabera shirt and added it to the queso. "I been pretty good Fred. How 'bout you?"

Fred ordered a drink and said, "Yeah, I been pretty good too. Hey, whatever happened to that Guido Delfina? I ain't seen him in here in a while."

"He's at a monastery in Tibet."

Fred laughed for a solid minute before Uncle Sal said, "Why is that funny?"

"Why is that funny? Ya ever seen the guy in here? I never seen someone close a bar as often as he did. Always the life of the party. As long as they were still serving, he was still drinking. And the women. Boy, I never seen a guy hook up with as many women as that guy. I don't think he ever went home alone. You know, you almost had me going with that monastery gag."

"It's not a gag. He really did move to Tibet. Not surprisingly, a woman is behind the whole thing. He met this woman here one night and he was throwing all his terrible lines at her. She said the only way he could even think about getting anywhere with her was to go with her to a Buddhist retreat." Uncle Sal sipped his Spud's and watched as the new bartender tried to figure out how to turn up the television volume with the remote. "So he went. And he had some sort of epiphany. Decided to dedicate his life to Buddhism. And to show how serious he is about it, he moved to a monastery in Tibet where he gets two scoops of rice a day and spends almost every waking hour meditating."

Fred swallowed hard and looked at Uncle Sal. "You're really serious!"

"Course I am. I couldn't make this stuff up."

"It's just so unbelievable."

"It may be unbelievable, but it's true. Delfina is a monk, Crocker."

This episode featured:
Oswald Shin as Uncle Sal
Timofey Tendai as Fred Crocker
Tara Vada as the bartender
and
Jellybean Merengue as the remote.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The crazies got all the luck."

Uncle Sal and the Protean Performer (Episode 180)

2011-01-29T20:12:00.000-08:00

Giacomo climbed into the Dodge Dart and said, "Thanks for driving to this burlesque and roller derby event. I can't believe you've never gone before."

"Yeah, I know. Two of the things I like most in life. Guess it always snuck up on me before, but this time I knew I had to leave my calendar open for it." Uncle Sal reached into the pocket of his tangerine guayabera shirt and removed two strips of dried meat. "Rabbit jerky?"

Giacomo reached for one and said, "Never had rabbit jerky before." He took a bite and washed it down with a sip of his energy drink. "Pretty good."

"Hey, I ever tell ya about the time I managed a guy who was an emcee for burlesque events?"

"No, I'm sure I never heard this one."

"Cyril 'Hunky' Hunkerton. One of the funniest guys I ever met, but he was so much more than just a comedian. He was almost like a one-man variety show. Well, I'd been managing him for a while when sump'n came along that was right up his alley. It was a variety show like ya never saw before. Jugglers, comedians, a live band, bellydancers, you name it." Uncle Sal took a gulp from his cup of iced tea. "Was run by an Englishman name of Lindsey Pennyfeather. Well, I went to see this Pennyfeather and let him know about his new employee. I sat down and told him I had a guy that was a knife-thrower, tightwire-walker, comedian, emcee. I ain't kiddin' ya, it took me fifteen minutes just to run down everything Hunky could do."

Giacomo told Uncle Sal to turn right at the next light.

"I got done with all of that, tellin' him I gotta variety show's dream, and he can have the guy for the right price. You know what he did?"

"No. What?"

"He just looked at me and said, 'That's all splendid, but can your Hunky do the bogs?'"

This episode featured:
Saul Brothers as Giacomo
Rufus Tomaszewski as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the rabbit jerky.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break."

Uncle Sal and the Factotum's Fish Fry (Episode 179)

2011-01-22T20:45:00.000-08:00

At the Salvador Deli, Uncle Sal sat under a child's red wagon whose cargo was a stuffed muskrat with a monocle. He ordered a Melting Clock and a hot pastrami on toasted rye with extra mustard and a large pickle on the side. Uncle Sal slid a toothpick behind his ear and said, "Hey Giacomo! How ya been? Ya goin' to that tattoo convention this weekend?"

After a long sip of his Melting Clock, Giacomo shook his head no.

"No? Why not? I thought you loved seein' all them beautiful women with tattoos up to the neck."

"I do. And last year, the bands they had playing were awesome, but something came up."

"Sump'n came up? It must be pretty good if you're going to skip the tattoo deal."

"It is. Hey, you should come too. My friend Ya Wu is having a fish fry. He's the kind of guy that can barter for just about anything."

Uncle Sal received his drink and stirred it with a swizzle stick in the shape of a giraffe's neck. "Boy, they sure know howta make a drink here."

"They sure do. So, Ya Wu, he's always doing odd jobs for people. You know, he cleans their gutters, fixes garbage disposals. Things like that. The reason people always go to him is because he never charges money. He sometimes works for meals, or maybe he'll see something in the house that he likes and he'll find a way to barter for it. Like this one guy had a picture of Gerald Ford playing golf with the basketball coach from the university where Ya went. Well, Ya set that picture as the cost before he ever got to work in that house. Recently, this guy Rod Rigglevyk contacted Wu. Rod works at this seafood restaurant, so he always gets good fish. Plus, his cousin works for a beer distributor, so he always gets great beer."

Giacomo speared a deep-fried pickle with his fork and popped it in his mouth. "Ross took Ya down in the cellar where there was a leak. While he was down there, Ya saw a case of German doppelbock. He was just about to ask for that when Ross took him to the freezer and showed him some nice filets of sole he had received. Well, that settled it. Ya wasn't going to settle for just the beer. He set his price as the case of dopplebock and half of the fish. Really, you should come along. It's going to be amazing."

"Boy, that does sound good. I love a good fish fry, and the beer sounds great. We should be thankful that Rod gave bock and sole to Wu."

This episode featured:
Ray Sturgeon as Uncle Sal
Gino "Sockeye" Lapaglia as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the giraffe swizzle stick.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "What do you need a psychiatrist for? Everyone knows you're crazy."

Uncle Sal and the Challenging Choirmaster (Episode 178)

2011-01-14T21:24:00.000-08:00

Inside A Boy Named Sushi, Uncle Sal slid into a booth across from Sister Mary Evelyn. Just by the expression on her face, he could see he was going to need some liquid help. Before she could launch into anything, he ordered a hot sake. "What's wrong? You look like you just found out your pet was kidnapped."

Mary Evelyn sighed and said, "It's the new choir director Anthony Slate. Sal, he's really great, but a lot of the members of the choir have complained about him."

A waiter arrived at the table. Uncle Sal put in his order for eel, longneck clam, and red snapper, then removed the chopsticks from the pocket of his gecko-print guayabera shirt.

"If he's so good, why are they complaining about him?"

"He's a good singer. I mean, when he sings, it just stirs up all sorts of things inside me. His voice is truly a gift. Seriously Sal, he sounds a bit like Tony Bennett. The trouble is that he's too demanding. Everyone in the choir of course volunteers to be there. They do it because they like to sing and be a part of the church. But Anthony has been holding practices more frequently. And they're longer too. In the middle of the week, he's holding practices that last for two hours. That's pretty tough for people that are working eight hours a day."

Uncle Sal reached for the soy sauce and wasabi. He spooned enough wasabi onto his saucer to clear anyone's nasal passages for a week. He poured a small lake of soy sauce on top of it and mixed it with his chopsticks. He licked the chopsticks and was satisfied that he had gotten the mixture right on the first try.

"And he's giving them more complex parts, asking them to sing things that aren't really in their range. It's like he thinks he's dealing with professional musicians. Our choir is good. Frankly, I think it's the best in town. But they're not professionals. I understand that Anthony is only trying to make it better, and he would know how with his classical training. I hope they don't complain so much that he decides to leave, but goodness gracious, Slate galls the choir."

This episode featured:
Pedro "Pipes" Hamelin as Uncle Sal
Chantal Tenor as Sister Mary Evelyn
Hiroshi Soprano as the waiter
and
Jellybean Merengue as the chopsticks.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The trouble with mornings is that they come when you're not awake."

Uncle Sal and the Polluted Prank (Episode 177)

2011-01-08T21:39:00.000-08:00

Uncle Sal sat across from Alice in the Root Hog or Diner. He hadn't even ordered his Bloody Mary when Alice said, "Did you see the story about the vandalism at the high school?"

Uncle Sal shook his head and slipped three raw sugar packets into the pocket of his burnt orange guayabera shirt.

"It's a terrible story. A bunch of kids got together and just went crazy on this school. They broke windows, tore up the football field, even cut down some tree branches on the school campus."

Uncle Sal caught the attention of his favorite waitress Amelie and asked for his usual, which included a bacon and pepper jack omelet with extra crispy bacon and rye toast, and of course an extra-spicy Bloody Mary. "Dang shame. Whatever happened to harmless pranks like we used to pull in high school." He took a pull from his flask. "When I was a senior, a bunch of the other football players and I came up with a great one. Our rival was LaQuay High. Now, LaQuay has this big piece of granite right outside the stadium. All the players on their team touch the rock before they run onto the field. You know, just one of those sports superstitions."

Amelie delivered Uncle Sal's Bloody Mary. He tipped some vodka from his flask and stirred the drink with the celery. "Perfect. anyway, like I was sayin', we came up with a doozy. We decided we were gonna coat that dang LaQuay rock with tobacco juice."

Alice winced.

"Ya shoulda seen it. some of the guys like Buffalo Bennett, saved up their tobacco juice for a month. Ya never smelled anything so foul, I bet. Well, the night before the game, we take all our tobacco juice and we go dump it on that big hunk of granite. That ol' thing was dripping with spit. Those LaQuay players were in for a big surprise when they went to touch the rock before the game. Well, after we covered the whole thing with the old stuff, we decided to leave some fresh juice on it. So we passed around a big pouch of tobacco and we just kept spittin' on that thing. Until the cops showed up, anyway."

"The cops? Really?"

"Yeah. Turns out someone lives near the stadium saw us loitering near the school and called the cops."

"But what did they do?"

"They didn't do nothin'. I mean, what could they do? We were just a buncha kids standin' and spittin' on the rock of LaQuay."

This episode featured:
Otis "Red" Greene as Uncle Sal
Rowena Sohl as Alice
Rachel N. Branson as Amelie
and
Jellybean Merengue as one of the sugar packets.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "With all due respect, sir, I just spent 18 hours locked in a jail cell, on no formal charges, getting pulverized by drunken bigots!"

Buckeyes 31, Razorbacks 26

2011-01-05T04:42:00.000-08:00

Ah, nothing like a comfortable win. And that was nothing like a comfortable win.
The Good
Defense
Cam Heyward and Dexter Larimore were both great in the first half. Ryan Mallett was clearly rattled whenever he had to move in the pocket. Mallett completed only slightly more than half of his passes, so the defense was doing something right. I've made Chimdi Chekwa a target for criticism so many times in his time at OSU. However, I have to say it was a shame that he got injured. The play where he was injured was the best play I've ever seen from him. And of course, there was Solomon Thomas, who sealed the game. That was amazing.
Offense
I missed the first drive, but I heard on the radio that the Buckeyes were going with a no-huddle offense. Wow! And they were having success with it. Double wow! I frankly had no idea the Buckeyes were capable of such a thing. Terrelle Pryor had a lot of success running the ball. He had some success throwing the ball too, thanks in part to receivers who bailed him out on some poor throws. For instance, Dane Sanzenbacher's TD reception. Obviously, it was not an ideal pass, but Sanzenbacher still made the grab because that is what he does. I feel pretty comfortable saying that no other receiver on the team would have made that catch.
I was amazed to see some throws to the tight end in the first half. That tight end screen (run to both Reid Fragel for 44 yards and Jake Stoneburner) was astounding. I have never seen the Buckeyes run that play before last night. Herron had some good runs in the first quarter. If I remember right, he had 40+ yards in the first quarter. Everything was going great. The offense clicked. The defense made Ryan Mallett look very ordinary. The Buckeyes had an 18-point lead at halftime. Which brings us to...
The Bad
We all know that getting a big lead against a good team is the worst thing that can happen with the Buckeyes. This is a team that will not go out and finish the other team like Stanford did to Virginia Tech (a lot can be learned from that game). No, this team will sit on that lead and just hope the defense is good enough to keep the opponent out of the end zone. In the second half, the creativity was gone, and it was replaced with predictable Tressel-ball. Just look at the play-by-play summary of the second half. There sure were a lot of run plays to the right side of the line on first down.
And the defense was not much better. It seemed like every time Knile Davis got the ball, he picked up at least 8 yards. And while Mallett's completion percentage wasn't great, his receivers sure did rack up some yardage.
The Ugly
The second half was essentially Murphy's Law for the Buckeyes. A fumble on 4th and 1, where Boom Herron would have made a first down...if only he had remembered to take the ball with him. That blocked punt was unbelievable. The defender made a great effort, but how on earth do you let the punt get blocked in that situation? HOLY COW!
And let's not forget the refs in this section. The most egregious non-call of the night came in the second half when Pryor threw the ball to Corey Brown. The defender just launched himself and took Corey Brown out. How is that not pass interference? The safety was questionable. I don't think there is too much question that Herron's forward progress was stopped outside of the end zone.
Schwinderjection
Terrelle Pryor should get a late Christmas gift (no, not a tattoo) for Dane Sanzenbacher. Dane bailed out TP twice: recovering that fumble in the end zone, and catching a lousy pass for a touchdown.
Under the Radar player of the game
The entire offense was under the radar for all of the second half, but none of them gets the award. The players of the game are on the defensive side of the ball. Cam Heyward had 3.5 tackles for loss, Dexter Larimore had 2 sacks, and of course Solomon Thomas with the great interception to preservethe win for the Buckeyes.

Uncle Sal and the Freaky Film (Episode 176)

2011-01-01T20:17:00.000-08:00

Inside Rock Around the Cocktails, Giacomo and his new girlfriend Rufaro slid into a booth across from Uncle Sal and Alice. Rufaro wore a magenta crop top and pants so tight that Uncle Sal and Alice wondered if she was getting any circulation to her ankles. Uncle Sal sipped his Dobble Haddock and said, "How ya been Giacomo? Ain't seen ya in a couple weeks."

"I've been pretty well. Rufaro and I just saw the new movie by Elvis Hurd."

"How was it?"

"It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen." The waitress came to the table and Giacomo ordered two snakebites. "I mean, you wouldn't believe this movie. The main character is a blind dwarf detective who is trying to take down a cockfighting ring. His assistant is a guy who is probably six-four, 220, and likes to wear a tutu. He also gets help from a call girl with an eyepatch and a luchador."

Uncle Sal put a chip into the bowl of artichoke dip and grimaced when some fell onto his maroon guayabera shirt.

"Well, this detective doesn't really have any evidence of this cockfighting ring. Somehow, it all comes tom him in mescal-induced hallucinations. And the recurring guide in his hallucinations is a philosophical ocelot."

Rufaro wiped her lipstick off with a cocktail napkin and sipped her snakebite. "And then about halfway through the movie, it becomes this zombie story. It's like a totally different movie."

"Oh, and the zombies have a taste for human chitlins. I mean, they don't just go for the intestines first, they actually make chitlins out of human intestines. I'm telling you, it was two hours of pure confusion. I had never seen one of his movies before and I don't think I'll see any more of them. Weird stuff."

Uncle Sal said, "I'm not sure why you're surprised. Everybody knows that the Hurd is absurd."

This episode featured:
Screamin' Octopus Hawkins as Giacomo
Strangella LaFork as Rufaro
Obelix Platypusconi as Uncle Sal
Lucinda L'odd as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bowl of artichoke dip.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "With a bit of luck, his life was ruined forever."

Uncle Sal and the Surprising Streaker (Episode 175)

2010-12-26T13:17:00.000-08:00

In the Liberty Bull Steakhouse, Uncle Sal sat across from David Raabe. He had stopped Raabe's discussion of real estate long enough to order a leather Jack and an order of jalapeno poppers. As he gave his order to the waiter, Raabe's phone vibrated. He removed it, pushed the screen a couple times, then chuckled.

Uncle Sal shook some habanero sauce into his drink and said, "What's so funny?" He was hoping it wasn't another "funny" real estate story, although Raabe seemed incapable of talking about anything else.

"Someone just sent me a video from the Punch Bowl game that happened earlier today."

As much as Uncle Sal loved football, he couldn't stand some of the bowl games that featured two teams he didn't care about.

"There's this guy named Thanh Ho. Everyone calls him Thor. It's funny because he's such a tiny guy. I've done some business with him. Sold him some office space in Wichita. The guy makes a living buying and selling real estate. He's a real wizard. You'd never believe how much money the guy has made doing this."

Uncle Sal drained his drink and signaled for another one. He was tempted to instruct the waiter to leave the bottle at the table. The jalapeno poppers arrived and when Uncle Sal bit into one, a glob of cheese fell onto his The Wildebeests t-shirt.

"Thor is a big fan of football and he goes to every bowl game he can manage. Well, he and a bunch of friends went to the Punch Bowl and I guess the friends coaxed him into doing something outrageous. According to the message, they all chipped in, and I have to tell you how hilarious that is, because this guy needs money like a walrus needs pomade. Anyway, they all chipped in. By the end of the whole thing, these guys had pledged four grand if Ho would streak across the field at this bowl game. That's what this video is: Thanh Ho streaking across a football field. Oh, there a cop just missed him. Look at that spin move. He's amazing. You should watch this."

Uncle Sal answered, "No I shouldn't. When Thor Ho's bare, Raabe, I don't stare."

This episode featured:
Lars Striek as Uncle Sal
"Naturist" Ned Grimley as David Raabe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the glob of cheese.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "What else you got, Crockett and Tubby?"

Uncle Sal and the Bestowed Beef (Episode 174)

2010-12-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

In the Karate Chophouse, Uncle Sal slid into a booth across from Sister Mary Evelyn. He ordered a Chumbawamba from a passing waitress and said, "How ya been?"

Out of habit, she was holding her rosary. She slid it into her pocket as she began speaking. "Oh, I've been good. You know how much I love this time of year. We always go and bring toys to the children's hospital and the group homes for for kids. I'll tell you, nothing is better than seeing the smiles when we deliver gifts to children who really appreciate them."

Sal took a steak fry from the platter and put it in his mouth. As he chewed, he brushed the piece of green onion that had fallen onto his Against the Grain t-shirt.

"Oh, and speaking of gifts that are appreciated, you'll never believe what someone left with us today. Anonymously."

"A Tibetan boy who is supposed to be the chosen one?"

Sister Mary Evelyn furrowed her brow and narrowed her eyes. "What? No. Someone left us a big box of steaks. Ribeyes. Can you believe it? Didn't even leave a note or anything."

Uncle Sal could smell the steaks from the adjacent tables and thought about the ribeyes delivered to his sister's convent. "So, when can I pick up this box of steaks?"

"What? Sorry, Sal. You can't."

"But that'd be perfect for my winter solstice barbecue. I'll pay for 'em."

"No, Sal. They've already been designated. You see, last week was Father Mackenzie's 50th birthday. We had a party for him and the cake was provided by the brother of one of the sisters in the convent. You know how Father Mackenzie always looks like he has a five o'clock shadow? Well, the man who made the cake also decorated it. It was beautiful, like you see on one of those cooking shows. Anyway, he made this cake and on top, he made a frosting cartoon of Father's face on a Fred Flintstone's body. It really made all of us laugh. But he wouldn't take any payment for this amazing cake. Believe me, we tried. We're going to give the box of steaks to him as our thanks for Father's cake."

Sal frowned. "Dang! Ribeyes are my favorite. It woulda been great if I coulda scored an entire box for the solstice, but I guess I'll have to think of sump'n else since you want to steak your funny baker."

This episode featured:
Ernesto Tubbs as Uncle Sal
Gwen "Thumper" Lapin as Sister Mary Evelyn
Pat Agonia as the waitress
and
Jellybean Merengue as the piece of green onion.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, " If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you?"

Uncle Sal and the Game of Glögg (Episode 173)

2010-12-11T13:41:00.000-08:00

Uncle Sal opened his door for Giacomo and his new girlfriend Honey. Uncle Sal had to take a second look at her to make sure he wasn't seeing an illusion. Her proportions were enough to make Jessica Rabbit blush. She wore a top that was nearly as big as three postage stamps, and a pair of red pants that looked like they had been put on with a can of spray paint. "Heckuvan outfit for a hockey game that's gonna be played outdoors." Alice looked disapprovingly both at Honey and Sal.

Uncle Sal fixed some drinks and brought them to the living room. "So, Uncle Sal, are you going to any crazy holiday parties?"

Uncle Sal removed the shrimp tail that had fallen on his Greenland Whalefishers t-shirt and said, "Going to our holiday block party on Saturday. That's always a good time, especially with all the glögg."

Honey asked what was glogg and after explaining the spiced wine to her, Uncle Sal said, "It's gotten to be a big contest between Al Fitt and Fanishwar Biswas. Two years ago was the first time we had the block party. Fitt made a batch of glögg and it turned out to be the hit of the party. Mostly because none of us had ever tasted it before. Then last year, Biswas made up his mind that he wanted people talking about his glögg, so he made a bigger batch that lasted for a good part of the night."

Uncle Sal sipped his zombie and placed the glass on a copy of the Watchtower that someone had left on his doorstep. "Well, I talked to Biswas earlier this week. He knew he'd have to do sump'n special not only to outdo himself from last year, but also to outdo anything Fitt might try this year. Well, Biswas couldn't find a pot big enough for his glögg, so he went to some place that rents cauldrons for renaissance festivals. Got himself a cauldron for the stuff. Only what he don't know is that Fitt is gonna have the last laugh. He heard about the cauldron and found a place across the state line that rents even bigger ones."

Giacomo said, "You mean..."

"That's right. Fitt's beginning to book a pot like Biswas."

This episode featured:
Markus Muller as Uncle Sal
Lucius Vino as Giacomo
Cinnamon Roehl as Honey
Ginger Ruetz as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the shrimp tail.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Seriously, a monkey could do your job."

Uncle Sal and the Night of 'Nog (Episode 172)

2010-12-04T20:03:00.001-08:00

Uncle Sal climbed onto the van that he and some of the other Grackles had rented for the annual holiday pub crawl.

"Boy, I gotta tell ya, Giacomo. I've been looking forward to this crawl for weeks now. Prolly my favorite thing about the holidays. I figgered we could get warmed up on the way, considering we gotta driver for the night." He reached into the pocket of his The Adolescents work shirt and removed a thermos. After a healthy sip, he passed the thermos to Giacomo.

"I know what you mean. I never want to miss this crawl."

From the back seat of the van, Mick McMichael asked, "Tell me again how this whole thing goes."

Uncle Sal put the cap on the thermos and said, "All the bars downtown make egg nog just for this event. Each one has its own different version. And they protect those recipes like you wouldn't believe. Ya stop in for a glass of egg nog at each pub, and danged if you ain't schnockered like you wouldn't believe."

Uncle Sal and Giacomo shared stories of previous years, talked football and other news. After about 15 minutes, Uncle Sal leaned toward the driver and said, "Say, pal. We gonna get moving sometime soon?"

"I would, but I've been told we're waiting for another person." He consulted his clipboard. "A guy by the name of Mick Schmedley."

Uncle Sal exhaled loudly and slumped back in his seat."

Giacomo asked, "Who's Mick Schmedley?"

"He's this guy who was a good ballplayer in high school. Once hit a home run in a high school playoff game. Any chance he gets, he lets people know about it. What kinda pitch it was, what part of the field he hit the ball to. It was clearly the best thing ever happened in his life. Never stops talking about it when he's sober. I can only imagine how much more he'll talk about it once he gets a little lit up." After another sip from his thermos, he said, "That's just great. We're all ready to go and do some serious drinkin', but we gotta wait for another Mick in the crawl.

This episode featured:
Tennessee Tippler as Uncle Sal
Stu Souse as Giacomo
Javier "Huevos" Rinteros as Mick McMichael
Ainsley Borbon as the driver
and
Jellybean Merengue as the thermos cap.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm bailing town. This place has gotten way too hairy."

Buckeyes 37, Wolverines of scUM 7

2010-11-28T11:42:00.000-08:00

(Photo of the team by Marvin Fong of the Plain Dealer)
A 30-point victory against the Wolverines is always sweet. Just imagine what the Buckeyes could do if they ever showed up for the first quarter.
The Good
Offense
Boom Herron had an amazing second half. Especially on that 89-yard run that was really a 97-yard touchdown run (more on that later). And of course when the running back has success, he gets help from the offensive line and the fullback. Dane Sanzenbacher has a future in the NFL. He may not be the biggest or the fastest receiver around, but the dude has good hands. The one catch he had over the middle was amazing. Generally, if you get the ball near him, he'll catch it. I wouldn't say Terrelle Pryor had a spectacular day, but his completion percentage was good and let's face it, he had a good enough day to earn gold pants #3.
Defense
The defense was pretty much lights out after Orhian Johnson forced the fumble by Denard Robinson. Jermale Hines had a good game, breaking up 3 passes. John Simon and Nathan Williams are the kind of player that a coach must love. Both of those guys just find a way to make plays.
Special Teams
Jordan Hall's kickoff return touchdown was great. He got a couple key blocks by Jaamal Berry and Justin Boren at the beginning, then made some good moves to elude tacklers as he got closer to the end zone.
The Bad
Offense
The first two drives netted 15 yards against the #112 defense in the country. Someone tell me why on 3rd and 12, you throw a 4-yard pass to the fullback. Or why on 3rd and 7, you throw a 3-yard pass to the tight end. If you feel you must throw the ball short of the first down marker (and I sure can't figure out why that is necessary), why not throw it to someone who has a good chance of running for the first down after he catches the ball? The offensive line was not good at all in the first half. Luckily, they realized a game was going on.
Defense
Again in the first quarter, the defense could not get off the field. I believe the Wolverines converted four of the first five 3rd downs. But of course, the defense tightened up after a shaky first quarter.
The Ugly
Offense
Another red zone interception for Terrelle Pryor. How many is that this year? Could that be a part of the reason he announced he'll stay for his senior year?
Getting a second excessive celebration penalty was stupid. If the refs called it once, why would you give them any reason to call it again? But while we are on the topic of officials, allow me to say that this crew was terrible. An offensive lineman pulls off Cam Heyward's helmet and that's not a penalty. Cam Heyward gets shoved to the ground after the play is over and that's not a penalty. And I suppose Boom Herron's head made that jerking motion on its own. But then Dane Sanzenbacher gets called for holding as he tries to help Herron score on a 97-yard run. That was about the weakest holding call I've ever seen.
Schwinderjection
Someone get Rich Rodriguez a contract extension. I'll deliver it to him myself.
Under the Radar player of the game
This is an easy one. Jordan Hall's touchdown was the play that really got the Buckeyes going. And the blocks by Jaamal Berry and Justin Boren gave Hall the gap he needed to get moving. For that, they are the co-players of the game.

Uncle Sal and the Shirtless Siblings (Episode 171)

2010-11-27T13:35:00.000-08:00

Uncle Sal looked up at the scoreboard of the Tobacco Bowl and shook his head. The Boneshakers were losing 20-3 to the Ocelots as the game approached halftime. After a sip of hot toddy from his Biketoberfest flask and turned to Doak Carr sitting on his left. "Boy, I tell ya, Doak. Boneshakers look terrible today. I don't unnerstand what happened to the offense. I ain't never seen 'em look this bad. They better get it turned around."

Doak said, "The problem ain't the offense."

"Whatta ya mean the problem ain't the offense? They only got 44 yards the entire first half, and they were lucky to get that field goal with it bouncing off the upright like that. And the defense ain't been much better. They're lucky the Ocelots only have 20 points so far."

Doak shook his head. "No, that ain't the problem at all." He took a bite of the red hot he had just bought from the vendor and said, "I'm telling ya, that ain't the problem. See them big goonie brothers about six rows down. One in the camouflage jacket and one in the striped turtleneck. That's Clem and Elmer Todd Vylde. They been season ticket holders since I don't know when. You probably seen 'em on TV. They figure any guy can go shirtless at a football game just to get on camera. But these two guys, they only go shirtless when the team needs a rally."

"But then why do they still have their shirts on? If ever the Boneshakers needed a rally, it's now."

"That's the thing. I talked to them before the game. They ain't goin' shirtless today. You wouldn't think 18 degrees is too cold for them to take off their shirts, but Elmer Todd told me he's just gettin' over a respiratory infection and doesn't want to take the chance of gettin' sick again. Of course if Elmer Todd is keepin' his shirt on, so is Clem."

"But we gotta get 'em to change their minds. Get 'em drunk, something. I don't want to watch the Boneshakers lose just because these guys don't want to risk a cold. Ya gotta find a way to bare the Vylde things, Carr."

This episode featured:
Rico "Tail" Backus as Uncle Sal
Delbert "The Nose" Tachel
Lloyd and Boyd Leinenbacher as the Vylde brothers
and
Jellybean Merengue as the camouflage jacket.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "He is an unsurpassed nincompoop with the manners of a warthog."

Buckeyes 20, Hawkeyes 17

2010-11-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

(Photo of this non-penalty by Marvin Fong of the Plain Dealer.)
The good news: I've never seen a team look that disinterested and still win a game. The bad news: ummmm...the team looked completely disinterested.
The Good
Offense
It's a good thing the offense remembered (after halftime) that a game was going on. Of course the play of the game was the run by Terrelle Pryor on 4th and 10 in the 4th quarter. Finally, the offense did what I have been calling for all year: getting the ball to Dane Sanzenbacher more frequently. And not surprisingly, he came up big on the game-winning touchdown drive. Did I see that right? Pryor had a touchdown pass to a tight end? Holy moly! Enjoy that one, Reid Fragel. No one knows when that might happen again.
Defense
The defense only gave up 17 points, but that didn't feel like a spectacular performance. Credit to John Simon for rising up when the defense needed a stop, and to Cameron Heyward for his sack of Ricky Stanzi. Aside from that, it seemed like a pretty pedestrian performance.
The Bad
Offense
Ummmm...how about the entire first half? Again, the offense looked like it had no interest in moving the ball or scoring points. I once heard someone say that 2nd down, not 3rd, is the most important. Yesterday was pretty good evidence of that. The Buckeyes did nothing on 2nd down the entire first half and ended up with a lot of 3rd and 6 (or more, in the many instances when there was a penalty). Oh, and someone might want to tell the receivers to hold onto a ball at all times (yes, even in the shower) this week, so they get used to the feeling. Feel free to actually catch the ball.
Defense
It seemed like the defense just could not get off the field. It's hard to believe that Iowa was only 5/12 on 3rd down conversions. It seemed like a much greater percentage. Again, the defense was picked apart by the opposing quarterback in the first half. If I remember right, Stanzi only had 2 incompletions the entire first half. I've never seen a group of defensive backs with less awareness of the field than this bunch yesterday. The secondary should not need a reminder that a game is happening. Chimdi Chekwa showed why he has received so much heat from me with two pass interference penalties.
Officials
Corey Brown goes up for the ball and not only gets a head shot, but also has his facemask grabbed, and that is not a penalty. The penalty called against Jermale Hines probably should not have been called. Of course, that could have been avoided if only he were paying attention. But the refs made up for that by keeping the flag in the pocket when he should have been flagged for pass interference.
The Ugly
Someone explain to me how Devier Posey dropped that ball in the end zone. I hope he bought a beer (or six) for TP, Sanzenbacher, and Boom Herron last night for bailing him out.
Schwinderjection
I'll say it for the record. I would not like to see this Buckeyes team line up against Boise State. As slowly as this team starts, the Broncos would have a 24-0 lead before the Buckeyes even knew what hit them.
Under the Radar player of the game
This one was really under the radar. For most of the game, the Buckeyes didn't really have an answer for the Hawkeyes offense. The Hawkeyes didn't dominate, but the defense spent a lot of time on the field. Finally in the 4th quarter, the defense rose up and forced a 3-and-out. Thanks in large part to John Simon, who did enough to rattle or rush Ricky Stanzi. After that 3-and-out, the Buckeyes scored the game-winning touchdown. Simon did exactly what a UtR player of the game is supposed to do.

Uncle Sal and the Pulverized Porter (Episode 170)

2010-11-20T20:11:00.000-08:00

Giacomo and his new girlfriend Ramya piled into the Dodge Dart behind Uncle Sal and Alice. As Giacomo settled into his seat, Uncle Sal said, "Those are some sweet shoes, Giacomo. What are those? Bowling shoes?"

"Yeah."

Uncle Sal brushed some snowflakes off of his Bob Knows Best t-shirt and said, "Say, that reminds me. How is your bowling team shaping up this season."

Giacomo exhaled a long breath, then popped a piece of watermelon gum into his mouth. "Not so good. Grover has some cracked ribs and it's not going to be easy finding someone to replace him."

Uncle Sal winced, then took a sip of double espresso from his Stax Records travel mug. "Cracked ribs? How'd that happen?"

"Well, you know Grover works at the airport with a guy named Juan Guzman. Juan works out like you wouldn't believe. The guy has a chest like a keg and huge arms. I mean, if you needed a tree stump pulled out of your yard, you could probably call him to do it with no tools but his own hands. Anyway, there was this Hutu priest that came to town for some conference or other. He travels with all of his possessions in a trunk. It's a way for him to keep from accumulating things he doesn't need. So, Juan is up on the trailer with all the bags from the plane and he's throwing them down to Grover. Well, when he picked up that trunk, he didn't think anything of it. To him, it probably felt like a stack of paper. But he threw it off of the trailer. Grover saw it coming and tried to get out of the way, but couldn't do it. It caught him in the side and cracked three of his ribs."

Uncle Sal gritted his teeth and said, "Boy, I feel for the guy. And now your bowling team needs another solid member because Juan threw Grover the Hutu's chest."

This episode featured.
Rudy "The Foot" Locker as Giacomo
Sally Pinns as Ramya
Lucius Crates as Giacomo
Antoinette Chiffonier as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the watermelon gum.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Have you ever won a fruit lamp as a door prize at a rock show?"

Buckeyes 38, Nittany Lions 14

2010-11-14T14:05:00.000-08:00

Photo of Boom Herron by Marvin Fong
The Good
Offense
This begins with the offensive line and Zach Boren. In the second half those guys did a great job giving Boom Herron room to run. You need look no further than the Buckeyes' first touchdown of the game to see the evidence of that. Oh and how about that touchdown drive: 96 yards in 11 plays. I wouldn't mind seeing more of those. On the topic of Boom, he did a pretty good job creating his own space to run on his longest runs. Just look at those runs. Both of them are all Boom. Dane Sanzenbacher had a very quiet game, but his one catch was a good one. He was definitely in the right place at the right time on that touchdown.
Defense
It's a good thing Devon Torrence had that interception return for a touchdown. Before that, he was not having a good game at all. Travis Howard's interception was great. Hopefully, the defense can come up with more plays like that against Iowa. Before halftime, it looked like the only guys on the defense that were interested in playing were Ross Homan and Brian Rolle.
Special Teams
OK, so maybe there wasn't really anything spectacular about special teams, but the kicks have been deeper and the coverage has been way better.
The Bad
I could make this real easy and say that everything from the first half belongs here. And that's true, but I will break it down a little more than that. The offense looked like it was using the road playbook. The offensive line was great at giving just enough blocking for a 2-yard gain. The defense looked like the same group that lined up against Wisconsin. At halftime, I thought for sure I would be writing a scathing indictment of the Buckeyes lack of heart. While this isn't a scathing indictment, I will say this. It would be nice to see someone get in the face of other guys when the offense is stagnant and the defense gets punched in the mouth.
The Ugly
It would be easy to put most of the first half here too. I mean, sorting that first half into bad or ugly is splitting hairs. However, there is one thing that belongs here for sure. Did you see Chimdi Chekwa on Penn State's second touchdown? He looked like he didn't even know a play was happening. I have never seen any defensive back concede the end zone as easily as Chekwa did on that play.
Oh, and the penalties were pretty ugly too. Eight penalties. The team will need to shore that up against Iowa.
Schwinderjection
Lousy Buckeyes! Another nationally televised game and these guys show up the same as they did in the stinking Wisconsin game! Unbelievable! Won't someone tell these guys that a game is 60 minutes long? Oh, they got that message? Never mind.
Under the Radar player of the game
It's been a while since I've had this opportunity, so I am going to take full advantage. Your UtR player of the game is Zach Boren. He had some good blocks, clearing the way for Boom to get more than 190 yards.

Uncle Sal and the Reprehensible Reporter (Episode 169)

2010-11-13T20:01:00.000-08:00

Inside Tex's Mexican Cantina, Uncle Sal bit a jalapeno, put the stem on his plate and washed it down with a sip of Old Gringo beer. He brushed some margarita salt off of his The Bambi Molestors t-shirt and spoke to the sports editor of the Potboiler Anders Messerkram. "The heck is goin' on over at the Potboiler? How come ya went and got rid of Hunter Hartley? Nobody covered the Wombats like him."

After a sip of his tequila sunrise, Anders said, "We were forced to get rid of Mr. Hartley."

"But why? I mean, I never come across anyone that knew more about baseball or the Wombats than that guy."

"Unfortunately, Mr. Hartley said some, shall we say, regrettable things to me after his most recent piece. There was nothing to do but cut him loose and allow him to seek employment elsewhere."

"And then you go and bring in this guy Bryce Plevin. Forget that the guy is prolly a hunnerd years old. Have you actually read this guy's stuff? His sentences go on forever. It's like havin' William Faulkner on the sports page. Ya ever notice how many sentences he begins with, 'Back when I was a youngster?' And his favorite topic is how things used to be when he was young and dirt was still a new concept. He's always going on about how the players of today don't measure up to the players when he was young and how the game was so much better back before electricity was discovered."

"Sal, I'm sorry you feel that way, but if you had heard what Mr. Hartley said to me, you would know that I had no choice in the matter."

"OK, so maybe you had to fire the guy, but now we're stuck with the dreck of the old whiny Plevin."

This episode featured:
"Tortilla" Chip Jaramillo as Uncle Sal
Antonio "Sir" Veza as Anders Messerkram
and
Jellybean Merengue as the jalapeno stem.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I know what being a manager can do to a man."

Model (and Salcoholic) Tana Allure (photos by Alx Guzman)

2010-11-11T20:50:00.000-08:00

I'd like to announce a little contest. Postcards are being printed with the image you see here. The next 10 people to order a book will receive a postcard autographed by the lovely and talented Tana Allure.

Another satisfied Salcoholic

2010-11-10T21:43:00.000-08:00

Uncle Sal and the Beastly Boyfriend (Episode 168)

2010-11-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

In the Karate Chophouse, when Alice and Giacomo's new girlfriend Desdemona got up to use the restroom, Uncle Sal asked, "Hey Giacomo. What happened to the girl you were with last week? You know, the chick with the brown sugar skin and the big..."

"Honey? She went back to her old boyfriend."

Uncle Sal brushed a dill sprig that had fallen off of his plate and onto his The Cavestompers! t-shirt. "That's too bad. I mean, you always pick winners, but she was so sweet too."

Giacomo sipped his Hennyville Slugger and said, "It's bad enough that she told me she's still in love with him With him."

"Who's her old boyfriend?"

"You know that cementhead Tank Duggan?"

Uncle Sal sopped up some cream sauce with a biscuit and said, "No. Should I?"

"He's in the Weevils."

"Then he can't be all bad. I mean that's a service organization does a lot of good. Always doing benefits for hospitals and things like that."

"You didn't let me finish. He's in the Weevils, but they are considering kicking him out. Seems they had a charity hockey game last week and Tank played it like it was the seventh game of the championship. He was going full-speed into guys, talking smack. All kinds of things like that. Forgot that it was a charity event. To top it all off, he ran the president of the organization face first into the boards. Broke the guy's nose and cheekbone. Of course he's not very popular with me. He's even less popular with guys in his own organization."

"Broken nose in a charity hockey game? Sounds to me like the love of Honey is the brute of all Weevils."

This episode featured:
Duncan "Toe" Blake as Uncle Sal
Freddy "Moose Jaw" Puchs as Giacomo
Genevieve "Fish" Nettes as Alice
Erica Wrinkes as Desdemona
and
Jellybean Merengue as the sprig of dill.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "This place is dead anyway."

Buckeyes 52, Golden Gophers 10

2010-10-31T12:58:00.000-07:00

Well loyal reader, I am back on track. I didn't post a recap last week because I was working on a deadline for a project and by the time I might have gotten around to my weekly recap, it was Monday.
The Good
Offense
I know it was Minnesota, but Boom Herron looked better than he has all year. He fought for extra yards and first downs instead of just ending up in a pile like he's done a lot this year. Terrelle Pryor for the most part looked pretty good. It's hard to argue with 18 completions on 22 attempts, plus 55 rushing yards. Even so, I can't say he had a perfect game. Devier Posey had a big game. It almost seemed like it could have been bigger because Minnesota couldn't cover him. I'm still lobbying for Sanzenbacher to get the ball more. That guy just knows how to catch the ball.
Defense
Again, it's hard to complain with the results. Adam Weber completed fewer than half of his passes. The defense not only racked up five sacks but also a touchdown. Brian Rolle is a beast. Chimdi Chekwa had a good game with an interception and a forced fumble. (I know. I can't believe I'm seeing that sentence either.) We sure did get to see a lot of defensive guys that we don't see very frequently.
Special Teams
Listing some good for the special teams? This is new too. Jordan Hall's punt return was great. I can't remember the last time we had a return even that close to a touchdown. Jon Newsome's punt block was amazing. I don't think I've ever seen a guy just block a punt as he was running by.
The Bad
Offense
It didn't take TP long to waste Jordan Hall's great punt return. There are the Buckeyes ready to add another touchdown and TP throws an interception. Isn't a junior supposed to know better than that?
Defense
Letting Minnesota score a touchdown on just four plays? Really? How do you ever let the Golden Gophers do that to you? Granted, the Gophers only got three points the rest of the game, but that was pretty shabby. Jermale Hines didn't have a great game. He had a crummy attempt at a tackle on Minnesota's touchdown. He had the facemask penalty after a play that would have forced Minnesota to punt.
Special Teams
Kick coverage still wasn't tremendous, but it wasn't great either. If Barclay is going to miss field goals, it's better that he do it in a game that the Buckeyes win by six touchdowns.
The Ugly
I can't really say there was anything ugly in this game. The closest to ugly was the defense on the first Minnesota drive.
Schwinderjection
I know an Oregon loss would help the Buckeyes, but rooting for USC? Come on, be reasonable.
Under the Radar player of the game
No one (probably since I started writing this as an e-mail to a select few) has taken more heat than Chimdi Chekwa. So, when the guy comes up big with an interception and a forced fumble, I have to recognize him. I believe that makes him the first two-time recipient this season.

Uncle Sal and the Statistical Savants (Episode 167)

2010-10-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

Giacomo and climbed into Uncle Sal's Dodge Dart and closed the door. Uncle Sal brushed the cigar ash from his Hawaii Mud Bombers t-shirt and put his hand on the 8-ball gearshift and said "Hey Giacomo. I thought you were bringing a friend with you. That guy tried to pitch for the Wombats."

"Terry Prattle. He was supposed to come with us, but he's got something else going on."

"Something more interesting than watching folks try to carve a pumpkin underwater?"

He's one of the Seamheads."

"Seamheads? Them guys that sit at The Corny Toad hunched over their laptops and obsessing over baseball statistics?"

"Yeah, those are the guys. Every since Terry blew out his elbow trying to make the Wombats roster, he's gotten into that. You know, he figures since he can't play anymore, at least he can still follow the game."

Yeah, but what the heck they do that for? They compiling a dictionary of statistics or sump'n like that?"

"They do it for a couple reasons." Giacomo picked a brochure about the underwater pumpkin carving event off of the floor mat and looked it over. "One, they want to put together the best fantasy baseball team they can. They figure the best way to do that is to break it down statistically. The other reason they do it is that they actually send these oddball statistics to Garret Gemora and other play-by-play guys. With the championship series going on now, these guys would like nothing more than to have their statistics read on a national broadcast. I guess Terry doesn't do much of anything else when baseball season is going on. It's too bad, because he was really fun to be around before."

"And now he's just another dork in the Toad."

This episode featured:
Frankie Figures as Uncle Sal
Deron Digitz as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the floor mat.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency."

Uncle Sal and the Distinctive Deer (Episode 166)

2010-10-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal entered Giacomo's place, looked around and noticed how empty the place seemed. "Whoa, Giacomo! You movin'?"

Giacomo said, "No. You would have heard about it if I were moving."

"Why's your place look so empty? No car magazines, no coasters. What's up?"

As Uncle Sal walked to the bar, he flicked a pine needle off of his Les Sexareenos t-shirt. Giacomo answered, "Oh that. My girlfriend Padma is watching her nephew this weekend. She told me I better childproof the house for when she brings him over, so I put away everything that I care about, the magazines, the sports cards. I mean, as much as I like her, I don't want her nephew ruining all my cool stuff."

Uncle Sal dropped some maraschino cherries into glasses, then grabbed a bottle of bitters and added a dash to each glass before topping both glasses with a generous amount of bourbon. When he took the drink to Giacomo, he noticed something on the lowest shelf of the bookcase.

"What is that? A buck made out of silverware?"

Giacomo sipped his Manhattan and picked it up. As he studied it, Giacomo said, "Isn't this great? He used parts of a rolling pin for the body, spoons for the legs."

"Are those lacquered coffee beans for the eyes?"

"Yeah, and this is the best detail. See, he used fork tines for the antlers. I bartended a party he threw and he gave me this for my efforts. I like it. I mean, no one else has anything like it."

"I'll say so. That's a one of a kind piece for sure. But if it means anything to you at all, you better set your Kriek stag high."

This episode featured:
Robb Cervidae as Uncle Sal
Antoine "Chocolate" Moosse as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bottle of bitters.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth."

Badgers too much, Buckeyes not enough

2010-10-16T20:01:00.001-07:00

Give the Buckeyes credit. This is a team that knows how to lose games that start after 3:30 Eastern time. In spectacular fashion, I might add.
The Good
Offense
Boom Herron had a good game, averaging almost five yards per carry. Aside from that, the only thing to put here is a simple plea: get the ball to Dane Sanzenbacher more. That catch he made in the 3rd quarter to bail Terrelle Pryor out of another incompletion was awesome.
Defense
Ummmm...give me a minute. It will come to me. Ummm...the defense...oh yeah! Andrew Sweat had an interception.
The Bad
Offense
Terrelle Pryor was awful. It's that simple. He completed 50% of his passes and generally just did not look like a Heisman candidate. Heck, he barely looked like a quarterback. Too bad you only get to play the Hoosiers once a year, eh TP? I do not understand the play calling on the field goal drive. First and goal from inside the 10, and you run QB draw, a direct snap to Herron and then another QB run? The Buckeyes looked like they had no interest in finishing that drive with a touchdown.
Defense
The defense got punched in the mouth immediately and never recovered. I have no idea what happened to the defense in this game. I realize the Wisconsin offensive line is immense, but let's not forget what Archie once said, "It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the dog. Safe to say that there was no fight in this dog in this game.
Special Teams
How on earth does a guy return a kickoff 97 yards without getting touched at least once?
The Ugly
I don't even need to divide this up. Aside from the two 3rd quarter touchdowns, just about everything offensively and defensively was ugly.
Schwinderjection
1. Ummm, maybe this is why the Buckeyes seem to get no respect from the BCS.
2. Dear TP, it's OK to look at a receiver other than Devier Posey.
Under the Radar player of the game
One thing is for sure, every Buckeye was under the radar in this game. Can you really name a player of the game for a team that wasn't even competitive? I don't think so.

Uncle Sal and the Spectacular Statue (Episode 165)

2010-10-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal walked into Giacomo's place and saw a giant straw-colored toad statue by the door. It was three feet tall and about as big around as a trash can lid. The toad was designed with overalls a big hat, and a piece of straw sticking out of its mouth.

"Holy mackerel! Will ya look at that? Where on earth did you get that?"

"Isn't that awesome? I got it at an estate sale."

Uncle Sal swatted a mosquito on his The Scrams t-shirt and made his way to the bar where he took some ice from the ice bucket and dropped it into a Harvey Mudd highball glass. "But how on earth did you take it away from there? And then how on earth did you get it up the driveway and the stairs into the house? That thing must weigh a ton."

"Well, to get it away from the house where the estate sale was, I had to call my friend Luther. He's got a pickup truck and a pallet jack. He gets that thing on the pallet jack and he realizes how heavy it is. He gets it into the bed of his truck and he says, 'I got news for you. There is no way we're going to get this in your house. Even if I can get it up the driveway, we won't be able to get it in the door by ourselves.' So, he comes up with a plan. He takes it from the house to his workshop. Now, it took a while, but he was able to hollow the whole thing out and he just brought it here yesterday. Now, anything valuable, or anything I want to hide from the girlfriend. I can just put it in there, because who's going to think to look inside it?"

Uncle Sal returned to the entry and took a long look at the statue. "There it is in all its glory and all because your friend was able to hollow the yellow hick toad."

This episode featured:
Clyde Anura as Uncle Sal
Adam Caine as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Harvey Mudd highball glass.

Buckeyes 38, Hoosiers 10

2010-10-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

Well, the Buckeyes are the new #1 team in the country. And wouldn't you know it, they will be tested immediately with a game in Madison. But let's get to the game against the Hoosiers first.
The Good
Offense
OK, so how many of you had Terrelle Pryor's stat line as 24/30 for 334 yards with 3 TDs? Ummm...neither did I. That was as good as we've ever seen him throw the ball. Credit not only to TP for making the throws, but also to the offensive line for giving him loads of time to find his receivers. Oh, and the line did a great job opening a hole on Boom Herron's 39-yard TD run. Seeing a lot of the reserve running backs was pretty good. Carlos Hyde and Jaamal Berry look like they are going to be solid backs.
Defense
The defense held Ben Chappel to 106 passing yards after he had approximately 800 yards passing against scUM. What's that? He only had 480 yards passing against scUM? Well, in any case the defense showed Chappell that he wasn't facing the Wolverines anymore. Altogether, the defense only allowed 210 yards, and that was with a lot of reserves on the field at the end of the game.
The Bad
OK, so TP looked great throwing the ball, but the Buckeyes showed once again that without Pryor, they don't have much of a running game. Herron had 39 yards on his first carry and finished with 68. Hyde and Berry had some good runs, but only once the game was well in hand. A running game usually comes in pretty handy against Wisconsin. Also, giving up 3 sacks to Indiana by halftime? No es bueno.
The Defense
Seriously, is there anything to put here? Let me know if I'm missing anything.
The Ugly
Offense
There wasn't really anything ugly with the offense yesterday, but I'd say we still don't have an answer to the question "Who will run the ball if TP doesn't?"
Officials
Two penalties in the fourth quarter for helmet-to-helmet contact. The first one was questionable at best and the second one was completely bogus. Last I checked, putting your helmet in a guy's chest isn't a penalty.
Schwinderjection
OK, so maybe I was a little out of order with my Schwinderjection about the Miami game.
Under the Radar player of the game
Can there be any debate about this? Sure, the offensive line gave up 3 sacks, and there were an abundance of 1- and 2-yard runs. However, on the plays were the Buckeyes scored, the offensive line did everything it needed to do. And if the QB throws for 334 yards, the offensive line is doing something right.

Uncle Sal and the Malcontent Mother (Episode 164)

2010-10-09T20:21:00.001-07:00

Uncle Sal walked into Giacomo's place and was quickly introduced to Giacomo's new girlfriend Amelia and her mother, Violet. Amelia wore some tight velvet pants and a crimson crop top so small it looked like it had been purchased in the junior department. Uncle Sal volunteered to help Giacomo make some drinks.

"I would like a very dry martini. You know how to make one of those, don't you? Not an apple martini, not a lemon martini, just a very dry gin martini," Amelia's mother Violet called to them.

Behind the bar, he said, "Geez, Giacomo! You've been going out with this girl for what, a week? Kinda early to be meetin' the mother ain't it?" As he opened the bottle of vermouth, a drop spilled onto his plaid Mighty Mighty Bosstones jacket and he quickly wiped it off.

"Trust me, it wasn't my idea. Amelia is a photographer and she took some shots for this guy Enzo Grappa." Before Giacomo could continue his story, Violet interrupted, "And put three olives in my martini. You do have olives, right? Well, three is the perfect amount. No more, no less."

As Giacomo and Uncle Sal mixed the drinks, Violet stepped around Giacomo's bronze tortoise statue and wandered over to Giacomo's bookcase, inspecting the spines for titles that would confirm he was not good enough for her daughter. With her back to everyone else in the room, she called, "I hope we're not going to that Eye-talian place for dinner. Their breadsticks always taste stale. And Amelia, I hope you told them I can't go to the Indian place. The spice doesn't agree with me."

Giacomo said, "So Enzo entered this raffle at the last Grackles meeting. He only bought one ticket but he won a thousand bucks. You believe that? So, to thank Amelia for the photos, he's taking us to La Grenouille Bleue."

Violet had been so intent on studying the books that she hadn't heard Giacomo or noticed that he standing behind her with the dry martini. "So where are we going to eat tonight? I do love martinis, but a woman cannot live on gin and olives alone."

Uncle Sal cleared his throat and said, "Ain'tcha been listenin'? Giacomo just said that we're going to La Grenouille Bleue because Grappa's got a grand, you hag."

This episode featured:
R. James Brownville as Uncle Sal
Dae Ho "Maceo" Park as Giacomo
Olivia Soul as Amelia
Eunice Hurlburtt as Violet
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bronze tortoise statue.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "So I'm not sick? Except for this terminal disease?"

Buckeyes 24, Fighting Illini 13

2010-10-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

Give the Buckeyes points for consistency. Whether it's in the 'Shoe or in that drafty old barn in Champaign, the scarlet and gray always struggles more with the Illini than it should.
The Good
Offense
As always, Terrelle Pryor was money in the run game. That 66-yard run in the first quarter was amazing. What is most amazing about seeing him run is that he looks like's not even exerting himself. It was nice to see one of the running backs finally show up. Boom Herron ended up with some good numbers. I'll just say it, by the second half, it was good to see any running back get more than one yard on a carry. Oh, and it was nice to see a drive of almost 8 minutes, even if it did result in only a field goal.
Defense
The defense did what we've come to expect. It gave up only 11 first downs and 251 total yards. Ross Homan is always around the ball. You could say the same for Brian Rolle and Nathan Williams in this game. Cameron Heyward is just a lot for any offensive lineman to handle.
The Bad
Offense
Even before TP went down, that was as big a dose of Tresselball as we have seen in a while. At one point, the Buckeyes had a 1st and 22. And ran three consecutive running plays. The play calling led me to believe that the Buckeyes might as well have punted on first down. After that series, we wondered if any other FBS team (aside from the service academies and maybe Georgia Tech) would have had the same philosophy in that situation. I understand wanting to remain conservative in a place as windy as Memorial Stadium, but isn't there more than one run play in the road playbook?
Defense
Overall, the defense had a pretty good game, but the Illini seemed to have a pretty easy time of things on its TD drive. There was some poor tackling and no pass rush.
The Ugly
Offense
Aside from an abundance of 1- and 2-yard runs in the first half, there is only one thing to put here. I don't know about where you were watching the game, but at Dave and Busters in Irvine, the place went silent after TP went down in the third quarter.
Special Teams
Isn't there anyone on the OSU campus that can punt the ball more than 30 yards? Maybe teach this kid how to kick rugby style, where he gets the ball and runs to one side before kicking it.
Officials
I realize that holding can probably be called on every play. I also realize that part of being an offensive lineman is knowing how to get away with holding. It's understandable that a ref might miss an offensive lineman grabbing the front of a defender's jersey. However, I don't think I have ever seen so much holding of the back of a defender's jersey. That seemed to be the entire strategy for the Illinois offensive line. I guess if you can get away with it, why not?
Schwinderjection
You know that scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie is holding the lugnuts in the hubcap and then the lugnuts go flying, and he says "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge!" Only he doesn't really say fudge. I think that was probably the response across Buckeye Nation when Pryor went down and didn't get up immediately. Granted, he's not the best passer I've ever seen (although his completion percentage is pretty good this year), but the idea of losing him is a little horrifying simply because he has more rush yards than any running back so far.
Under the Radar player of the game
There are definitely some good candidates on defense, but this week the award goes to Nathan Williams. He had 2 tackles for loss and 1.5 sacks as part of his 9 total tackles.

Uncle Sal and the Challenged Critic (Episode 163)

2010-10-02T19:59:00.000-07:00

In a Cool Dry Place jazz club, Uncle Sal and Alice sat at a table across from Giacomo and his new girlfriend Novalee, who wore a lime green tank top that was nearly as large as a bandanna and a pair of black jeans that looked like they had been painted on.

"Why's this place so crowded on a Wednesday?"

"Haven't you heard?"

Uncle Sal shook his head, then flagged down a waitress. He ordered a whiskey sour for Alice and a North Dakota Special for himself. He picked a blade of grass off of his Cocktail Slippers t-shirt and said, "So, what's happening?"

"You know Percy Motkovich from the Potboiler?"

"Sure. The critic that can't write worth a lick."

"That's right. Well, in a recent review, he said Claire Stoneleaf had a figure like a sack full of jelly donuts."

"Claire Stoneleaf? The movie star?"

"Yeah. I guess you can call her a movie star, even if she only stars in second-rate movies. Well, of course she took offense to that. But she didn't just call him out in the papers. She's an investor in this place and invited him here for an interesting challenge. You know that scene in Roxanne where Steve Martin says he can come up with a better insult for his nose than some yahoo that insulted him? It turns out he has to come up with twenty better insults. Claire figured that if Motkovich is the wordsmith he thinks he is, he should be able to come up with a lot of creative ways to insult her for her weight, and puts a thousand dollars on it. She figures twenty is a good starting point and throws a dart to see how many more he'll need to come up with to earn the grand. She nailed a triple twenty on the dartboard. You believe that?"

"So you mean to tell me that to win a thousand clams, Motkovich has to come up with a round B girl in eighty ways?

This episode featured:
Heywood Scurrilous as Uncle Sal
Rachael Tauntz as Alice
Seamus O'Probrium as Giacomo
Abby Aspersia as Novalee
and
Jellybean Merengue as the lime green tank top.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world."

Uncle Sal and the Entrapped Employees (Episode 162)

2010-09-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal and Giacomo walked into Gertie's Griddle and sat down at a booth. Both ordered coffee and a stack of pancakes. Giacomo tipped some rye from a pewter flask into his coffee and said, "Did you hear about the incident here last week?"

"No, what happened?"

"Well, it came to closing time and Gertie was going to close the door and start cleaning like she normally does. Only as soon as she closed the door, she got a call that her dog McGruff had gotten out of the yard. Well, you know how much Gertie loves that dog. She forgot about cleaning up and just locked the door and went to look for her dog."

Uncle Sal looked at a sugar packet with a trivia question. He knew without looking at the other side of the packet that the answer was Veronica Lake. He brushed a moth from his Tammy Faye Starlite t-shirt and sipped his coffee.

"Only she didn't remember that Tom Tulipe was still here in the stockroom, and that KC Chu was still in the walk-in cooler. That, and she didn't know that the doorknob on the inside of the door fell off when she slammed it shut."

"Rickety place like this, I'm not surprised. Chu? Is he the cook never stops talking?"

"That's him. If you order eggs over easy, he'll tell you how many minutes it takes to make them perfect. Heck, he'll even tell you about the chicken that laid the egg."

Uncle Sal grunted. "If anyone could talk the ear off a brass monkey, it's him."

"Anyway, Chu and Tom both come out from the back of the restaurant and find the place completely dark, and the door closed. Then, of course they realize that the doorknob is on the floor."

"So what happened?"

"Well, what could they do? They ended up staying the night in here. I mean, that's the only door, and they sure weren't gonna break one of Gertie's windows to get out."

Uncle Sal said, "I guess there's worse places to be stuck. I mean, you're stuck in a place like this, at least you can cook yourself a good meal. But I feel bad for Tom, stuck in The Griddle with Chu."

This episode featured:
Linus Bakken as Uncle Sal
Garth Gritts as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the moth.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "This is the worst slum I've ever seen."

OSU-Eastern Michigan preview

2010-09-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

Well, loyal reader, due to circumstances beyond my control, I will be unable to watch the game tomorrow. But fear not. I will not leave you uninformed or anything like that. I will leave you in some very capable hands. For complete statistical breakdown, visit Slag's House of Stats.
As for my preview of the game, I see it this way. The Buckeyes should win by at least 8 TDs. Seriously, this game should be 63-7. But it won't be. When was the last time the Buckeyes scored 60 points? My guess is that it would have been against Rice, Pittsburgh, or Northwestern in the Cooper era.
Here is my vision of the game. The Buckeyes put up 38 points in the first half, but then stall in the second half, scoring only one touchdown. Eastern Michigan will put up a touchdown against the second or third string defense and spoil another game that should be a shutout. Final score: Buckeyes 45, Eagles 7. Statistically, I think it will be a lot like the OU game, where a lot of yards are spread out across a lot of players.

Buckeyes 43, Bobcats 7

2010-09-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

Let's get right to it, shall we?
The Good
Offense
It's a funny thing. Ohio State put up 43 points and 439 yards, but no one had the sort of game that makes you sit up and say "Wow!" Terrelle Pryor had a tremendous first half and ended with some pretty good numbers. I'll take 22 out of 29 every week. Dane Sanzenbacher had an amazing one-handed catch in the first half. And if that weren't enough, he finished the play by getting the first down. Jake Stoneburner had five receptions. I ask you, when was the last time an OSU tight end had five receptions in a game? Devier Posey had another good game. He definitely looks like the go-to receiver.
Defense
Wrap your mind around this one. The Buckeyes defense gave up only seven first downs in the entire game. The Bobcats finished with 158 total yards. That means the defense is doing a bang-up job. Ross Homan had a good game. The guy had four tackles in the first quarter. Devon Torrence was good. Cameron Heyward is a total beast.
Special Teams
Well, the special teams definitely had a better game. Aside from the return which would have given the Bobcats a 7-3 lead, the special teams did what it was supposed to do.
The Bad
Offense
I would have liked to see more from the running game. I mean, the opponent was a MAC team and the Buckeyes averaged only 3.9 yards per carry for the whole game. I know that's good enough for the Woody Hayes offense, but I think they could have done better against the competition.
Defense
I wished the defense could have finished with a shutout, but it's hard to complain about a performance like this.
The Ugly
I know what you're thinking. How could I have anything in the ugly for this game? How about the end of the first half? After 16 consecutive completions, Terrelle threw one short, then was sacked, then threw an interception. No es bueno.
Schwinderjection
Dear Jake Stoneburner, I realize you had a good game and I congratulate you. However, for the Buckeyes to maintain the status quo, I'm afraid Pryor won't be able to throw you the ball again until at least the Purdue game.
Under the Radar player of the game
Ross Homan would be a great candidate for this. However, I can go a little more under the radar than that. Devon Torrence caused the interception in the first quarter. If you ask me, that set the tone for the defense in the game and for that he is the UtR player of the game.

Uncle Sal and the Foiled Forger (Epsiode 161)

2010-09-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

Giacomo let Uncle Sal in and introduced him to his new girlfriend Svetlana. Uncle Sal sat down on the couch and cracked a pecan while Giacomo went to fix some drinks. As he picked a piece of the shell off of his Glasgow Tiki Shakers shirt, Giacomo poured some vodka and said to Svetlana, "Tell him about our plans."

"Giacomo and I have started planning for a trip to Paris." She pointed to a model of l'Arc de Triomphe on the table.

Uncle Sal was surprised. He could see why someone would want to go to a romantic city with someone who looks so good in a miniskirt and gogo boots, but knew that Giacomo was never with any girlfriend long enough to plan a trip with her. "Paris, eh? Y'know, I heard a real interesting story about Paris last night." He shook some Bayou Passion hot sauce into his cajun martini, then tasted the drink. "Perfect."

Giacomo said, "So what was the story you heard about Paris?"

"Well, it was a story about this Chinaman Wong-Hei Chen." Uncle Sal didn't catch the disapproving looks he got for using such an outdated term. "This guy had a plan to rob the Louvre. He spent years forging his own versions of the most valuable paintings in the museum. He was going to take the originals and replace them with his fakes. He had floor plans of the museum and even knew how to sidestep any alarms. Then he was going to contact the Louvre and say they would have to pay him if they wanted the paintings back."

"So what happened?"

Uncle Sal set his drink on top of a Men's Fitness magazine and said, "Well, this guy got into the museum and he was just about to start on the Mona Lisa when the janitor came along. When he was moving his mop around, he caught Chen in the ribs with the handle. Then, when he turned around to see who he had hit, he nailed the thief in the face. Chen was out cold on the floor."

"So the guy did all that planning and then was foiled by the janitor?"

"And he never got to use the headline he was going to give the newspapers the next day: Wong-Hei Chen Plunders Le Louvre."

This episode featured:
Leonardo Cubismo as Giacomo
Michelangelo "Chi" R. O'scuro as Uncle Sal
Sandra Rococo as Svetlana
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Arc de Triomphe model.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She's stubborn as a wet boot."

Buckeyes 36, Hurricanes 24

2010-09-11T18:22:00.000-07:00

Well, no one is going to say it was a perfect game, but a 12-point win over a top 15 team is a good thing.
The Good
Offense
Thank goodness for Terrelle Pryor running the ball. Although that is sort of a good news-bad news sort of deal. It's good that he ran for 113 yards, but it's not great that the running backs weren't very spectacular. Boom Herron looked pretty good running the ball too. Aside from that, the offense was really pedestrian.
Defense
If you look at the stats, you wouldn't necessarily see a great performance by the defense. However, this is one of those games where you need to look beyond total yardage. The Buckeyes defense not only forced four turnovers, but also held the Hurricanes offense to only 10 points. I think any of us will happily take that. John Simon had a really good game. So did Nathan Williams and Cameron Heyward. And Chimdi Chekwa. I mean, he has been a favorite target for me (and opposing offenses) as long as he has been a Buckeye. But you have to give the guy credit for his two interceptions. I sure didn't have that one pegged before the game.
Special Teams
Devin Barclay made five field goals. The end.
The Bad
Offense
For all his offensive heroics, Pryor completed only 12 of 27 passes. And some of those pass attempts were downright awful. Like the time he threw the ball and the four (yes, four) closest guys to the ball were wearing Miami jerseys. Brandon Saine averaged a robust 0.6 yards per carry. Ouch.
Also, this wasn't really bad, but I was a little disappointed that the Buckeyes didn't try to hang 40 on the 'Canes. I get it. It's not Tressel's style, plus the Buckeyes have to play in Miami next year. Still, I kind of feel that if you get the chance to put 40 on the board against Miami, you do it. You know Miami wouldn't be shy about tacking on another TD.
Defense
Again, what can you say other than the defense gave up more yards than we're used to seeing.
Officials
I know what you're thinking. How can I criticize the officials when Miami had eight penalties and the Buckeyes had two? Just answer me this. How many times did you see a Buckeyes defender get molested (or tackled) by an offensive lineman and nothing was called? If I can see it 2,200 miles away, how come the refs cannot see it on the field.
The Ugly
Offense
Oh, I don't know. Some of TP's passes. Saine gaining less than one yard per carry.
Special Teams
Um, did you see the game? It wouldn't surprise me if both special teams coaches were looking for work after this game. Two return touchdowns in a game? Yeesh!
Schwinderjection
Yes, loyal reader. It's a new feature here on the weekly write-up. This will be my unique spin on something about the game. After the game when Jim Tressel and Randy Shannon were shaking hands, I couldn't help but think that each one said the same thing to the other: "You'll have a solid club once you get a real quarterback."
Under the Radar player of the game
There are some good candidates here. Nathan Williams is a solid player who had another good game. Cam Heyward was really good also. But I have to tell you the player that is most deserving of the award this week is John Simon. He harrassed Jacory Harris for a lot of the day and just seemed to be around the ball a lot.

Uncle Sal and the Inconspicuous Ingredient (Episode 160)

2010-09-11T17:14:00.000-07:00

In the Lazy Lounge Uncle Sal slid into a booth across from Ryder Wachtor. Ryder said, "Looks like you got a little crumb on your shirt there."

Uncle Sal looked down at his Naked and Shameless t-shirt and plucked a crumb off of it. "I just had a chocolate chip cookie over at that Bean There Cafe. Looks like I was saving a piece for later."

"Bean There? Never heard of it."

"It's this new place, run by a guy Giacomo knows. Guy by the name of DooDoo."

"His name is DooDoo and he runs a cafe? I think I'd have to pass."

"Course his real name ain't DooDoo. It's Duane Dudek. With that name, it don't take grade school kids long to come up with a nickname like DooDoo. They all still call him that, even though he introduces himself to everyone with his middle name Jerome."
Uncle Sal flagged a waitress down and ordered a Bannockburn and a plate of spicy fries. "Well, his old schoolmates are as likely to call him Jerome now as they were to call him Duane after he got his unfortunate nickname."

Wachtor looked at Uncle Sal's drink and said, "That looks disgusting. Who puts tomato juice in whiskey? So, what's this cafe all about?"

"It's really good. He makes a lot of standard things: pasta, jambalaya, omelets. And the thing is, every dish has a common ingredient." Uncle Sal glanced up at the television to catch the score of the Wombats game and gritted his teeth when he saw that the manager had brought the awful closer in. "And you'd never guess what the ingredient is. I mean, I don't know what he does with this special ingredient that makes everything taste so good. It's mind-blowing."

"So what's the ingredient? Beans?"

"No, it's bean sprouts. Course he doesn't tell his customers that until after they've finished their dishes."

"He puts bean sprouts in everything? And you ate there?"

"I've eaten there a few times already. It's really good."

"So, wait a minute. Didn't you say you had a cookie from there?"

"That's right."

"And he puts bean sprouts in cookies?"

"Like I tole ya, he puts bean sprouts in everything. I had my doubts when I first went there too, but I'm telling you, you've never had cookies like this. Or jambalaya, or pancakes."

Wachtor cringed. "Pancakes with bean sprouts. I don't know if I can get past that idea. And I can't believe you're eating there."

"Heck yeah, I'm eating there. Sure it sounds pretty unusual, but it tastes good when DooDoo Dudek's cooking sprouts, Ry Wachtor."

This episode featured:
Dusty Cooke as Uncle Sal
Serge Skillett as Ryder Wachtor
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cookie crumb.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in."

Uncle Sal and the Hapless Highroller (Episode 159)

2010-09-03T20:29:00.000-07:00

Giacomo set a plate of pancakes in the center of the table. As Uncle Sal reached for one with his fork, he said, "Whooooooa!"

"What is it?"

"Have a look at this pancake, Giacomo. Doesn't the surface of it look just like Marc Bolan?"

Giacomo agreed that the resemblance was uncanny.

Uncle Sal opened the syrup bottle and wiped a drop that fell onto his Trainwreck t-shirt. After licking the syrup off of his finger, he said, "So, is your car in the shop? Why'd you need me to come pick you up this morning?"

Giacomo cracked some eggs into his cast-iron skillet, threw the shells into the compost box and said, "No, it's because I'm buying a car from Bobby Jake Brubaker."

"Bru? Isn't he the one with the souped-up seventy-one Barracuda with the portrait of the Were-Elvis on the hood?"

"Yeah."

"Is that the car you're buying?" Giacomo nodded. "Get out! Why is he selling it? I had a car like that, I'd never sell it."

"Well, Bobby Jake didn't really want to sell it. He has a bit of a gambling problem. For a long time, he was winning every bet. It got to the point where his bookie wouldn't take his bets anymore. He found another bookie and won his first couple bets with the new guy. Then he lost a football game, in overtime. So he tried to win his money back, but lost again. All of a sudden he couldn't win. He'd bet on beach volleyball, curling, even Scrabble tournaments, just trying to get back to even. He got himself into a spot where he couldn't pay what he owed without selling his stuff. He called me to see if I wanted the Barracuda. Who wouldn't want it? Thing is, I had to talk him down to about half of what he was asking. He didn't really want to, but then, he didn't have a lot of choice."

"So you come away with a Barracuda at half the asking price thanks to the gaming of the Bru."

This episode featured:
Rusty Carr as Giacomo
Ray Wayne "Engine" Bloch as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cast-iron skillet.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Wow, he just made the international sign of the doughnut."

Buckeyes 45, Thundering Herd 7

2010-09-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well, it's definitely good to be writing this again. Football season is always too short and 8 months between games is a long time. That being said, a game like this is never easy to write about. You don't really watch the game because you don't have to. That being said, here we go with the first write-up of the season.
The Good
Offense
Let's see. Terrelle Pryor completed 68% of his passes for 247 yards and 2 TDs. Brandon Saine and Jamaal Berry both averaged more than 11 yards per carry. The offense had two touchdowns of more than 40 yards. Dane Sanzenbacher had more than 100 yards with only 3 receptions. And get this. The offense had 3 touchdown drives of less than 70 seconds. No, I sure didn't think that I would be writing those words. Just mull that over. Teams that run a hurry-up offense rarely have 3 TD drives that brief in a game. Brandon Saine's 45-yard touchdown run was sweet. No one even came near him, which means that the offensive line did its job.
Defense
Anytime the defense yields fewer than 200 yards, it had a pretty good game. Brian Rolle showed once again that he is the best and most exciting player on the Buckeyes defense. Seriously, he is the kind of guy you have to watch on every play. Tyler Moeller had an amazing game with a couple tackles for loss, a forced fumble, and a sack. And as you know, I have to give props when props are due. For all the grief I have given Chimdi Chekwa over the years, I have to give him credit for forcing a fumble when Marshall was deep in Buckeye territory
The Bad
Offense
There isn't a lot to put here. We still saw flashes of the old Pryor, but luckily they were only flashes. Devier Posey dropped an easy pass, but that sort of thing can be forgiven in a 38-point blowout.
Defense
I can't think of anything to put here.
Special Teams
I didn't see for myself, but I was told the first 3 PAT attempts were not exactly spectacular.
The Ugly
I think we all know what needs to go here. If not for a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown, this would have been a shutout.
Under the Radar player of the game
How do you choose a UtR player of the game in a game like this? Well, I think it has to go to Tyler Moeller. He was the defensive leader on a night when the defense gave up only 199 yards.

Uncle Sal and the Abandoned Admirer (Episode 158)

2010-08-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal walked up to the table at the hot sauce festival where MacGregor's Scotch Bonnet Surprise was being served. A drop of the orange sauce fell on his black The Afterdarks t-shirt and he wiped it off with a napkin. As he dipped a piece of naan into the sauce, he said "Giacomo, I thought you was gonna bring your girl, what's her name, Yahaira to this thing."

Giacomo put his nose over the paper sample cup with the sauce and inhaled the scent. His eyes went wide and he knew he was in for some serious heat. "I was going to, but we broke up."

"Well, that's too bad."

"Things happen. It's not as bad as what happened to my high school classmate Paul Porrola. Remember, he's the guy I told you about that was always chatting up models on Twitter because he's too timid to approach them in person. Well, somehow he actually got some chick to go out with him. And she is good-looking too. She's one of those women where you see her with a nerd like Paul and you wonder why she's going out with him."

Giacomo bit his naan and felt the delayed burn of the sauce in his mouth and throat. "So, he was going out with this woman named Isolde. One day, she checked out his Twitter page and she saw all the models he was following."

"And she got jealous and broke up with him because of it?"

"She broke up with him, but not right away. It seems she started chatting with some of these models, and she came across this Swedish model who is six-foot-two. She'd be the example of statuesque in the dictionary. Well, Isolde eventually decided to meet the Swedish model. And when they met, Isolde fell instantly in love. Called Paul from Sweden to let him know that she had broken up with him. So now I guess for him it's back to meeting women online and fantasizing about them."

"And for Isolde, it's a tall girl after Paul."

This episode featured:
Hector Habanero as Uncle Sal
Juan Pedro Serrano as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the paper sample cup.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "With that new liver he'll be peeing like a champ in no time!"

Uncle Sal and the Rotten Resumes (Episode 157)

2010-08-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal sat down next to Mike Hawke at The Crow Bar. He hadn't seen Mike since the previous meeting of the Fraternal Order of Grackles. When he saw a Spud's placed in front of Uncle Sal, he said, "You know, that's a fine beer. It's too bad that it's so hard to find."

Uncle Sal took a long pull from the bottle and set it back on the Monkey Knife Fight Pale Ale coaster. After flicking a roly-poly off of his The Earps t-shirt, he said, "I couldn't agree with you more. D'you know I was working for Spud's right when it got started?"

"No, I didn't know that."

"Yup, and the company might have gone under before it got started if not for me. See, I was working with Petros Georgiou, who had been put in charge of marketing. Well, he was coming down to the time when he needed to hire salesmen to start moving the beer. He showed me the resumes of a couple guys."

Uncle Sal paused for a moment as he watched the Wombats pitcher throw a pitch that went about seven feet over the catcher's head. "You shoulda seen these resumes. They were disastrous."

"A lot of spelling errors, things like that?"

"Spelling errors would have been the least of their problems. Two brothers, Lee and Jian Fong, submitted their resumes. Lee claimed he had been the president of Andorra, and Jian said that he got his management experience after he was abducted by aliens from Jupiter and taken there to run a chizzwick factory."

"What on earth is a chizzwick?"

"Exactly. And then there was this guy Brian Paltz. He came right out and told Petros he was twenny-five years old and still living at home...and that he had never had a job. You believe that? Prolly only submitted his resume because he thought he'd be drinking a lot of the beer. So Petros asked me who I think he should hire. I told him he couldn't hire any of these clowns. He said, but they're the best and only candidates we have. I told him that if that were the case, we'd just have to find more candidates, guys that could actually get this beer in bars and stores. Petros objected saying he didn't have time. I just looked at him and I said, 'Look, Spud's is a good product and it has the potential to take off. But I'll tell you right now, mad Fongs and Paltzes aren't selling this beer."

This episode featured:
Leland Stule as Uncle Sal
Jacob "Juke" Bachston as Mike Hawke
and
Jellybean Merengue as the roly-poly.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says "Open that door, you spawn of the devil's own strumpet!"

Uncle Sal and the Promiscuous Prelate (Episode 156)

2010-08-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal entered the Salvador Deli and looked around at the decor on the walls. On one side there was the skull of a longhorn steer with a handlebar mustache. On another wall, a branch was mounted. On the branch was a bottle of Tennessee whiskey with a Frisbee stuck inside it. "Interesting place," Uncle Sal said as he sat across from his sister Mary Evelyn.

"Not as interesting as the news we got at the church this morning."

Uncle Sal flagged a waiter and ordered the house specialty drink: a Melting Clock. The menu declared it "stronger than Hercules."

"This hasn't even made the papers yet, but everyone will know about it soon enough. You know Bishop Levin?"

Sal shook his head. He couldn't pick any religious leaders out of a lineup.

"Well, he's been moved around a lot for behavioral issues. It seems he has a penchant for exotic dancers, especially Filipinas. He was moved to this diocese because there were whisperings about him using money from the collection plate to hire exotic dancers. No one could prove anything though. Until now. It seems our Bishop got a surprise visit from his boss last night."

Uncle Sal took a sip of his drink and felt a drop of condensation fall onto his The Nico Blues t-shirt. As he brushed it off, Mary Evelyn continued her story. "Well, Levin actually had a dancer in the rectory when his boss arrived. The Archbishop asked what was that flowery scent in the room. The Bishop said it was his toilet spray. Well, a lot more questions came, but the Bishop had a good answer for every one of them. And it seemed like he was going to get away with his tawdry behavior. Then as the Archbishop walked toward the door, he saw a...well, a black nylon on the carpet. You can guess that the Bishop didn't have a clever answer for that.

"And now he's probably going to lose his job because the Archbishop found the stocking on Levin's floor."

This episode featured:
Enrico Stiletto as Uncle Sal
Patty Hoose as Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Frisbee.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm just tryin' to figure out how that boy's brain works."

Uncle Sal and the Artistic Automobile (Episode 155)

2010-08-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal bit a deep-fried Oreo as he walked out of the muscle car section of the classic car show. Some crumbs fell from his Graceland Mafia t-shirt onto his program. "Boy that 1970 blue Dodge Charger we saw was sump'n else, eh, Giacomo?"

"What I wouldn't give to drive that thing. Especially the way the owner has souped it up. I bet that would be an awesome ride."

Uncle Sal wiped his hands on his brown and yellow plaid golf pants and said, "So, what's next on the agenda? The program says there's a Chrysler Cordoba somewhere in an exhibit by itself. Thing I can't figure out is why a Cordoba is on display among all these T-birds, Galaxies, and Bel-Airs."

Giacomo said, "I read about that car. It's owned by a guy called Heinrich 'Strife' Strieffmann. In the article I read, the guy said he bought it because it was a cheap piece of junk and he just needed something that would get him to work and back. Well, the thing gave him all kinds of problems. He only worked seven miles from home but the bus probably would have been more reliable. The guy said he had to add oil to the car once a week, among other problems. So, he decided that he would at least make it look good."

They stopped to look at the Cordoba. The passenger side was covered with paintings of cartoon characters. "Look at this," Uncle Sal said. He's got all of the Beauregard Brothers characters on here. There's Beleaguered Bat. And Mischievous Muskrat. Oh, and there's Humphrey Hound."

They walked around the front of the car to look at the driver's side. The entire driver's side was painted primer gray except for the rear quarter panel. "Why ain't there nothin' on the driver's side?"

"There is one thing. It's the first character the owner ever painted on the car, so he decided to preserve this side." Giacomo led Uncle Sal to the back of the car. And there, right above the rear left tire was a painting that stretched to the back bumper. Uncle Sal moved closer and saw a picture of the Beauregard Brothers signature character, Bossy Bighorn.

Uncle Sal said, "Will you look at that? All those paintings on the one side and over here ya gotta sheep on the funny ride of Strife."

This episode featured:
Edsel Hudson as Uncle Sal
Tucker "Maverick" Maroevic as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the left rear tire.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If all the cops looked like him, there'd be no crime at all."

Uncle Sal and the Garrulous Girlfriend (Episode 154)

2010-07-31T13:52:00.000-07:00

When Uncle Sal and Alice got to their seats at the annual caber toss championships, they saw Giacomo sitting next to a petite brunette with short hair. She wasn't the sort of girl Giacomo usually went for. She was much smaller and less curvy.

"Uncle Sal, this is my friend Earl."

Uncle Sal blinked a couple of times and wondered if he had misjudged his nephew's companion. "Earl? Not Earlene."

"No, it's Earl." She launched into a story of how she had been named for her grandfather, who had been a Korean War hero. She went on to relay what must have been every detail of her grandfather's life. She wasn't long into her story when Uncle Sal started looking for the beer vendor. After a five-minute monologue, Uncle Sal had his cup of Spud's and Earl finished her story with, "My parents thought they were having a boy that they would name for my grandfather. Surprise! But they decided that they were going to name me Earl anyway."

Uncle Sal removed a cat hair from his Radio Free Bakersfield t-shirt and took a long pull from his cup as he watched Angus MacGregor heave his caber.

"She's seeing Alberto Montoya, the Spanish soccer player."

"Futbol," she corrected him. "He's nice, but..."

Earl began another monologue about a list of men that included an Italian actor, a Transylvanian count, a physicist, and a mattress salesman named Thurston Grumman. All of whom she might have been currently or previously engaged to. During this soliloquy, Uncle Sal flagged down a bratwurst vendor and ordered two with extra sauerkraut. When she finally reached the end (Uncle Sal wondered how she could talk so long without seeming to pause for breath), he picked a piece of sauerkraut off of his blue and orange plaid golf pants, he said, "Whoa! Whoa! Hold on there! That sure was a mouthful, but let me see if I've got it straight. You've got all these guys on the hook, but Earl, you'll be a Grumman soon?"

This episode featured:
Scott Land as Uncle Sal
Mandy Kiltz as Alice
Pete Boggs as Giacomo
Nina Brogue as Earl
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cat hair.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I've got a Mexican hot rod!"

Uncle Sal and the Canned Crooner (Episode 153)

2010-07-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal brushed some margarita salt off of his The Love Me Nots t-shirt and watched as a man walked by his booth at the Liberty Bull Steakhouse. Turning to Alice, Giacomo, and Giacomo's new girlfriend Coco, he said, "Is that someone famous? He looks familiar."

Giacomo brushed a piece of lobster off of his shirt that flew after Coco had cracked the tail with her man-hands. He doused doused his ribeye with Sweep's Steak Sauce and answered. "That's Terry Meier. He was the lead singer of Gabardine Smog."

"Wasn't that the band that sang 'My Baby Left Me Flatter than My Tires that She Slashed'?"

"Yeah. That's the band."

"So, he was the lead singer? Why ain't he anymore?"

"Well, it was really a weird situation. I mean, he didn't just sing, he also wrote the lyrics. So you'd think he'd be pretty safe in a band. And the band was having some good success. But the rest of the guys didn't like how he fit into the band. While they were really energetic on stage, he would just stand there and look at his shoes when he sang. And when he did interviews he would give really short, really boring answers, to the point that no journalist wanted to book the band anymore."

Giacomo speared a steak fry, put it in his mouth and said, "Then one night, the band was playing a show in Sheboygan and after a couple numbers, the guitarist said he was having some technical difficulties and he stepped off stage. He waved Terry over and told him right there that he couldn't stand Terry's bland delivery anymore and that he was out of the band. The band finished the set with no vocals. You believe that? I mean, they kicked the guy out of the band in the middle of a set in Sheboygan."

"Well, I guess the guys had a good reason. From what yer tellin' me, Terry Meier was a dull Smog."

This episode featured:
Pascal Plates as Uncle Sal
Jiro Kobe as Giacomo
Shelly Fisch as Coco
Jenise Flank as Alice
Chuck Rehr as Terry Meier
and
Jellybean Merengue as the piece of lobster.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "This was, I believe, the first recorded instance of a CIA agent being eaten alive by a rainbow trout!"

Uncle Sal and the Hesitant Heartthrob (Episode 152)

2010-07-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal walked into the Fraternal Order of Grackles meeting and was immediately met by a moon-faced man with a burr cut, probably in his mid-20s. As Uncle Sal hooked his Cerberus key chain to a belt loop of his crimson and clover plaid golf pants, the man stuck out his hand and said, "I'm..."

"You're Felix 'Pie' Heyward's kid. Boy, if you ain't the spittin' image of your old man, right down to that burr cut."

"Did you just call my dad Pie?"

"Course I did. Never met anyone likes pie as much as your old man. I once saw him chase an entire huckleberry pie with an entire key lime pie because someone bet him twenny bucks he couldn't do it. How is ol' Pie, anyway?"

"He's good. When he's not hassling me to get married to my girlfriend Dawn. Always asks me when I think I'm gonna settle down with her."

"Whatsa matter with her?"

"Nothing is the matter with her. It's just...you know, marriage is a big deal."

A waiter brought Uncle Sal a Spud's and a shot of rye and Sal told him what a fine human being he was. "Course marriage is a big deal, but if you're reluctant, there's gotta be sump'n wrong with her. Does she cook?"

Heyward patted his round belly and said, "She helps me maintain this figure."

"She clean up around the house?"

"She always keeps it immaculate. My laundry has never been so neatly folded."

"What about in the sack?"

"I don't think that's any of your concern!"

"What I mean is this. If both of ya are getting it as much as you want, that goes a long way."

"Well, we sure don't have any trouble in the sack."

"Then what's the problem?" After a sip of his Spud's, Uncle Sal said, "Listen. There's two questions you need to ask yourself. Do you want to get married?"

"Sure I do."

"Do you think you'll find anyone better'n this girl who gives you food, a clean place, and enough sex to satisfy you?"

The young man popped a couple maple cashews into his mouth and said, "Hmmm. You know, I don't know if I could find anyone better than her."

"Then the answer to this whole thing is obvious. Marry Dawn, Pie Heyward's son."

This episode featured:
Dr. Femke Hart as Uncle Sal
Federico Lovecraft as Pie Heyward's son
Nigel Batchelor as the waiter
and
Jellybean Merengue as the belt loop.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't."

Uncle Sal and the Grand Gluttons (Episode 151)

2010-07-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

Uncle Sal settled onto a stool next to Giacomo in the Lazy Lounge and looked up at the TV above the bar. Alyssa served him a Spud's and a shot of bourbon without Uncle Sal having to order. He pulled a twenty out of the pocket of his green and orange striped golf pants and set it next to a bottle of root beer schnapps on the bar. "The heck is this?"

"This is the World Series of competitive eating. It's pretty amazing. The tournament starts off with 16 guys. In each round, they have a different food challenge. One round, it was meatball subs. Another round, it was bratwurst. In this round, the guys get to see who can eat more cheesecake in 12 minutes."

As Uncle Sal downed his bourbon, one of the contestants was shown on the screen.

"Jumpin' caterpillars! Look at that guy! He's built like a meatball with legs. I ain't ever seen anyone as rotund as that guy."

"Yeah, that's Josephus Oobleck. He's the odds-on favorite to win this."

"I should think so. That guy probably doesn't even feel anything he's eaten today. Anyone check to see if he's eaten his opponent?"

Oobleck's opponent appeared on the screen. "Great grouper! Look at that guy! I didn't know Sasquatch was allowed to enter a contest like this. With all that hair on him, he wouldn't ever need sunscreen, I can tell you that."

"Yeah, that's Sherwood Woolly."

"Well, he sure got the right last name. So, ya been watchin' this all day?"

"Sure have. Now it's the finals."

"And it's down to the round and the furry."

This episode featured:
Valdemar Viel as Uncle Sal
Guillaume Gourmand as Giacomo
Miranda Mayo as Alyssa
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bottle of root beer schnapps.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Your fare is the only thing stopping me from breaking your face!"

Uncle Sal and the Soccer Snob (Episode 150)

2010-07-03T15:40:00.001-07:00

Uncle Sal put his keys into the pocket of his orange and gold plaid golf pants and settled onto his stool in The Crow Bar. He looked up at the television screen. "Awwwww raspberries! Kelly, ain't there anything on except this silly soccer?"

The man with the yellow and red scarf on the stool next to Uncle Sal said, "It happens to be football. And this is not only the world's game, but the World Cup."

After a sip of his boilermaker, Uncle Sal said, "Maybe so, but that don't make it interesting."

The man with the scarf said, "You just don't understand the nuance of the game."

Uncle Sal rolled his eyes and saw a 44F bra hanging from the rafters. "What nuance? It's just a bunch of guys running around in the middle of the field, not accomplishing anything. And lookit that guy rollin' all over the field. Ain't no one even touched him and he looks like he just been run over by a Studebaker pickup."

"You are such a typical American. You equate scoring with excitement. Well, you don't need a lot of scoring to make a game exciting. I mean, just look at the condition these guys are in."

Uncle Sal tuned the man out as he droned on and on about how well-conditioned soccer players must be to run around for a 90-minute contest.

"Look, there goes another one. Just look at him go. Flopping around like a fish out of water. Prolly just cramping up a little bit. Why they gotta make a drama out of this?"

The man continued his diatribe about the subtle chess match involved in every soccer game. He didn't get very far before another player hit what he referred to as "the pitch."

"Oh for cryin' out loud! What happened to that guy? What did he get tripped by a blade of grass? That was the only thing near him. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. All this flopping around and the game is prolly gonna end up scoreless. What a waste of time!"

"But there are so many close calls. That's what makes the game exciting! There are so many times during the game where you hold your breath because one side has a breakaway. And then you either breathe a sigh of relief because there was no goal or you celebrate because the ball hits the back of the net."

Uncle Sal shook his head. "So it's when they come close to scoring that's really exciting? You may be right. I guess I don't understand the nuance of the game. But I know this. It's a long day through the flops if you want a soccer goal."

This episode featured:
Ellis Streicher as Uncle Sal
Clyde "Tiny" Cleatz as the man in the scarf
Nona Goelz as Kelly
and
Jellybean Merengue as the 44F bra.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A flying saucer? You mean the kind from up there?"