Uncle Sal and the Harebrained Hike (Episode 81)

Giacomo put the cap back onto his Carmen Miranda canteen as Uncle Sal used his Golden State Warriors Joe Barry Carroll jersey to wipe some drops of water from the stubble on his chin.

"Uncle Sal, how do you know we're going the right way?"

"Don't worry. This is the right way. No one knows more about the Legend of Clod like me."

"I'm not so sure about this? Who was this Clod guy anyway?"

"Darius Cloddingus. He was a local legend. Kind of an explorer of all things local. The guy loved to hike, especially in these parts. Now, the legend says that before he went crazy, he buried some treasure somewhere on this mountain. Then he went crazy and naturally, he couldn't remember where he put it."

"But if he had treasure, why would he bury it? It doesn't make any sense."

"Sure it does. Guvmint can't tax it if they don't know it exists. So, he puts it somewhere on the mountain, and goes up to get it when he needs it. Ideally."

He continued the story as they headed up the mountain to search for the treasure.

"Yeah, but how does anyone know that it's actually up there? I mean, there must be loads of people that have looked for it already, and haven't found it. If you ask me, it sounds like an urban legend."

"Well, ain't nobody gonna make you keep goin' up. You can head back if you wanna. But I'll tell ya, if I find the treasure of Clod, I ain't gonna share it with ya."

Giacomo remained silent for an hour until they came to a forked path on the way up the mountain.

"So, which way do we go now?" Giacomo asked.

Uncle Sal looked around and scratched his head. "Well, now that is a good question." He looked to the left, and again to the right. He pointed to the right. "We go that way."

"How do you know?"

"Just like it says in the legend, X and honker point the way to another red-letter day."

"X and honker? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Look close. The two big branches on this tree form an X."

Giacomo couldn't argue with that, but wondered how many trees on the path had formed an X.

"And if you look real close at the pattern in the bark, you can see Karl Malden's face. That's the honker and this looks like the path of Clod."

This episode featured:
Gabe Veringen as Giacomo
Hesperus Flotilla as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Carmen Miranda canteen.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says: "Your teacher was arrested for giving vodka to students."

Uncle Sal and the Glorious Guitar (Episode 80)

Uncle Sal removed the little sword with olives from his dirty martini and slid one of the olives off. He put it in his mouth and asked Giacomo, "So are you going to be able to make that luchadora thing in two weeks?" As Giacomo opened his mouth to answer, Uncle Sal wiped a drop of the martini that had fallen onto his Edmonton Oilers Charlie Huddy jersey.

"Man, I wish I could. But the other day, I ran into my old friend Moose Flimter. He's in a band called Belching in the Rain. Actually, I ran into him when I was at the local guitar shop. He was looking at this forty-seven LaFlamme Stegosaurus. It's a sweet guitar. I think they got the name right too. Thing feels like it weighs as much as a stegosaurus. He got it, but I'm not sure if he'll use it on stage."

Uncle Sal sipped his martini and shook his head. "Belching in the Rain? They think they're gonna get any notoriety with a name like that?"

Giacomo shrugged. "It's memorable. It's not like they decided to call the band The Ducks or something generic like that. Anyway, I was talking to Moose and he tells me his band has a show coming up at the Colosseum here in town. Gave me back stage passes for me and a guest, the whole works."

Uncle Sal responded with a shrug of his own.

"I hope you don't mind. I mean, normally, I'd love to go to the luchadora event with you. I mean, there isn't much better than masked female wrestlers. If it were any other night I'd join you..."

"Yeah, yeah. If you hadn't already made plans to see the Moose that plays the olden Steg."

This episode featured:
Frogozo as Uncle Sal
Phil Poole as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the olive sword.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "That's beautiful! What is that, velvet?"

Uncle Sal and the Stylish Stakes (Episode 79)

Uncle Sal picked a piece of lint off of his Oscar Gamble jersey, then removed the cherry from his Manhattan as he waited for Alice to deal the cards. He put the cherry in his mouth and said, "So, when is this big poker tournament you're playing in?"

"It's in a month, but I want to get in as much practice as I can before then. Playing online is good, but I want to be able to see faces when I play. And I'll tell you Uncle Sal, no one has a better poker face than you."

"Yeah, and I don't even need no chemicals to make my face expressionless. I ever tell ya about the time I cleaned a guy out playing poker? Guy by the name of Hank Hargin. This guy, he looked like a mountain. He was big all over, prolly six-foot-four, and had a thick Fu Manchu moustache. Fancied himself quite a poker player too. Well, one time I was playing against him and he figgered we should just give him our wallets before the game even started."

Uncle Sal sipped his Manhattan and said, "Well, the guy was a decent player, but he wasn't anything special. Woulda been a lot better if he didn't have such an obvious tell. When he's bluffing, he scratches his little fingernail on the surface of the table. So, we play a few hands, and he loses every one of them. The night wears on, and I think he didn't win a hand all night. Finally, he gets to the point where he's putting in the last of his money. Figgers he's got the hand that's finally gonna get him on the winning side. He puts in the last of his money, which wasn't much by that point. Only problem is I matched him. He's got nothin' left to put in the pot, so I says to him, 'I'll letcha keep playin' if you put in that fancy vest you're wearin'.' This vest, I'm telin' ya, it looked like he was wearin' part of a buffalo hide. He agrees and puts his vest in the pot."

Giacomo looked at his cards and asked, "So what happened?"

"Just lookin' at him, I knew that what he had wasn't gonna beat me. I was sittin' on four sevens. He showed his cards. I showed mine, and when he saw 'em...boy was he sore. So, he got cleaned out, and I walked away with the vest of a mad Hargin."

This episode featured:
Stan Stubemaker as Uncle Sal
Roy L. Flusshe as Giacomo
Lakesha "Queenie" Hartz as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cherry.

Tune in next week, when Uncle Sal says, "What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law."

Uncle Sal and the Succinct Sermon (Episode 78)

Uncle Sal smoothed his LA Kings Rogie Vachon jersey as he walked into the Karate Chophouse. He was surprised to see Sister Mary Evelyn already seated. He moved the saffron napkin to the edge of the table as he slid into the booth.

"I didn't expect you to be here already. I figured I'd have time for a cocktail before you got here."

The waitress came to the table and asked if she could get Sal and Mary Evelyn something to drink. Uncle Sal ordered a Cajun martini and Mary Evelyn ordered a hot tea.

"It was a short mass today. Funny thing, that. That seems to happen every team Melinda Wentz sings. She's a beautiful woman with long auburn hair and big hazel eyes. She seems to wear nothing but really tight sweaters and skirts on the days she sings."

The waitress arrived and placed the tea in front of Mary Evelyn and the Cajun martini in front of Uncle Sal. He splashed a couple drops of Tabasco into his martini and sipped it. "Perfect."

"So, anyway, like I was saying, things seem to get all jumbled up on the days she sings. We do communion and the offering at the beginning, even before the sermon. Then she sings. Then Father Mackenzie gets behind the pulpit and starts to deliver a normal sermon. After about five minutes, he starts to speak really quickly and before you know it, he is telling everyone to go in peace. And he doesn't even hang around to talk to the parishioners after these short sermons. It's so weird."

"I dunno. If I were you I think I'd count my blessings that the mass is always leaner on the other side of the Wentz."

This episode featured:
Ruben Samich as Uncle Sal
Dorothy N. Toto as Sister Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the saffron napkin.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "You two are dumber'n a bag o' hammers."

Uncle Sal and the Unpredictable Uniform (Episode 77)

Uncle Sal removed the tortoiseshell glasses from the front of his Buffalo Braves Bob McAdoo jersey and looked at Alice's photos of her visit to Kazakhstan. "What's with all the heads cut off in these photos?"

"Oh, that's my girlfriend Ursula. She always manages to do that. Funny thing is, it's hard to keep the camera out of her hands. We try to keep her from taking photos, but she'll grab it out of someone's hand and tell us to pose so she can take the shot. You can see the results."

"Reminds me of a guy I knew in the police department, Alvis Streep. He was the son of the captain. I think that's the only reason he got the job."

Uncle Sal reached for a chocolate in the dish on the table, removed the foil and popped it into his mouth.

"Well, even the cap'n knew better than to put Alvis on the street. Guy mighta passed all his tests to make the force, or maybe he didn't, but cap'n put him in a position where he could do the least amount of harm. So he put Alvis in charge of fingerprints and mugshots. The fingerprints he did pretty well with. The mugshots were another story. He'd always find a way to get at least one mugshot where the suspect was out of the frame. It was amazing. Alvis'd cough or sneeze, or sump'n just as he was about to take the shot. Those suspects, as if they didn't have enough to worry about, they usually had to get six mugshots taken before Alvis got it completely right. It got to be a prime source of entertainment at the station. We got to where we'd watch and see how he'd goof it up. Or sometimes, we helped it along by calling his name right as he was about to take the photo. Boy, we sure had a lotta laughs watchin' Streep blunder the mug.

This epsiode featured
Frank Furter as Uncle Sal
Pearl Barley as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the foil.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Only one man would dare give me the raspberry."

Uncle Sal and the Careening Compact (Episode 76)

Uncle Sal and Alice entered Giacomo's place where they would have some cocktails before going to the lucha libre matches. "Uncle Sal, Alice, good to see you." He looked at Uncle Sal's Pittsburgh Pirates jersey and said, "Number twenty-seven? Don't tell me. Kent Tekulve, right?"

"You betcha. Not too many side-armers like him anymore."

Uncle Sal looked at the table and saw a travel brochure. "You plannin' a trip to Scotland?"

"Yeah, I've been thinking about it. It's just one of those places I feel like I need to see before I die."

"It's a great place. One time, I was driving over there. Rented myself a Volkswagen Golf. They like cars a lot smaller there than we do in the States. don't use as much fuel and they're easy to park. Well, I was driving this Golf along a winding road with a moor on either side, when this red deer jumps right in front of the car. Now, I'm gonna tell ya sump'n. A deer jumps in front of your car, you just hit the gas. They ain't gonna tell ya that in any travel brochure, I can tell ya that. Do less damage to yer car that way."

Alice cringed. "Don't tell me you hit the gas and killed that poor deer."

"No, I didn't. But I shoulda. I swerved to avoid the deer, but the ground was wet and there ain't no shoulder on the road. Well, that car skidded off the road and I couldn't get no traction to get back on the road. Car went around one and a half times and mighta just kept on goin'. I fought the wheel and tried to steer the car straight. Of course, when you're skidding that ain't gonna work."

"So what did you do?" Giacomo asked as he shook some martinis.

"I pulled the emergency brake, that's what I did. Stopped just in time too. It was all I could do to keep the Golf from the moor."

This episode featured:
Curt D. Meaner as Uncle Sal
Lola Flannela as Alice
Dickie Splotkins as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Scotland brochure.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Taffeta, sweetheart."

Uncle Sal and the Wasted Washtub (Episode 75)

Uncle Sal browsed the tables of the BPOE (Brotherhood of Purple Onion Eaters) rummage sale. He came to the table manned by his pinochle partner Joe and saw a battered guitar right next to an Al Gore action figure.

"This was actually good enough to make the rummage sale?" Sal asked as he picked up the guitar.

"Sure, it's a little worn, but so is Willie Nelson's guitar and he still plays it. You restring this thing and it's good as new."

Uncle Sal brushed some dust from his Vancouver Grizzlies Bryant Reeves jersey and said, "I dunno. Plus, ten bucks seems like a lot for sump'n as beat up as this. This reminds me of a guy I knew, Cade Flappensraum. Played the gutbucket bass in this old-timey rockabilly band. The way he took care of that thing, you'd have thought it was made of platinum or sump'n. Anyway, one night he pulls his car, was a forty-seven Studebaker pickup truck, into the garage after a night of drinkin'. Well, he came in a little hotter than he wanted and he hit the brake a little too late. Next thing you know, he hears this loud crunch sound. He gets out of the truck and sees he's crushed that ol' gutbucket between the grill of the truck and the wall of the garage. This here guitar is nearly as jacked as that bass of Cade's."

This episode featured:
Seymour Beard as Joe
Homer Sapien as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Al Gore action figure.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Your cousin's on Cops."