Uncle Sal and the Shunned Statesman (Episode 188)

Uncle Sal walked to the counter of the body shop where the lowering springs on his Dodge Dart were being replaced. Giacomo looked at a blue pine tree air freshener, then saw the mechanic coming to the counter. His greasy work shirt had a patch above the pocket with the name Hung. Giacomo sipped his latte spiked with Kahlua and narrowed his eyes as Hung began to talk to Uncle Sal.

"Sal, good to see you. Your car is almost done. Just give me 15 more minutes to finish and clean up the car a little bit."

Uncle Sal sat down in one of the naugahyde chairs in the waiting area and opened a package of dried wasabi peas. As Hung went back to the shop, Giacomo asked, "Why does that guy look so familiar?"

"That's Hung Nguyen. He used to be on the city council."

"He didn't get re-elected?"

"Didn't even run. He got tired of all the political games. In the last election, three seats were open, including his. He was a pretty good city councilman, but you can never be too sure in politics. So, he goes around to the other members of his party, looking for endorsements. Ya know how it is in politics. Sometimes, it ain't about what a candidate stands for. It's about who he knows and who endorses him." Uncle Sal opened a can of Clamato that had been in his pocket and took a big sip. "Well, all of his allies said they would be on his side. They all swore they would endorse him. Only, he had the nerve to disagree with them on a couple issues. Well, a couple weeks before the election, he finds that all of his allies had endorsed him at first, but then changed their endorsements. They all got behind this hot new candidate name of Brandt Hartley. This kid, he's got the right education and everything. But more than that, he agrees with all of the people in his party, and he can be controlled a little easier than Hung ever could."

"Wow! So, just like that he's out of politics for good."

"Yup. He's just too honest. But I ain't complainin' cuz now he's the Nguyen beneath my springs."

This episode featured:
Harris "Boss" Tweed as Uncle Sal
Gerry Mander as Giacomo
Stump Fitzhume as Hung Nguyen
and
Jellybean Merengue as the air freshener.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Something stinks in suburbia."

Thanks to Jeff Johnson for inspiring the clincher in this episode.

Uncle Sal and the Tardy Tipplers (Episode 187)

Uncle Sal, Giacomo and Steve McCool parked the RV in the parking lot of the Grackles meeting hall, but didn't see anyone else who was supposed to join them in their trip to the beerfest at the brewery that was about 50 miles away.

Uncle Sal took a sip of rye from his UTSA flask and said, "Boy, I tell ya, I can't wait for this beerfest. I was reading about it and they're gonna have a whole tent for tasting scotch ales."

"Yeah. I read that there's going to be one beer made with macadamia nuts and chocolate. I can't say I've ever had a beer like that." Giacomo popped a piece of wintergreen gum in his mouth and started to chew."

"That does sound pretty good. Course as long as it's not some fizzy yellow beer, it sounds pretty good to me." Uncle Sal reached into the glove box, moved aside a 1973 road map of Pennsylvania, and removed a small bag of cheese crackers.

After 10 minutes, the others still hadn't arrived. "Who'd you say was gonna be drivin' us today?" Uncle Sal asked.

"Burt Van Rijn. Yeah, I mean, he doesn't drink so he's the perfect choice. All we had to do was pay for his ticket into the place."

"And who has the tickets?"

"Oh, Henry Jervis took care of all of that."

Uncle Sal took another sip of rye and said, "And he's bringing all the beer for the ride down, right? I mean, that's why we got the RV and the designated driver, right? So we could get warmed up before we even arrive at the beerfest."

"Yeah, Henry said he'd take care of the refreshments too."

Uncle Sal crumpled up the wrapper of the cheese crackers and said, "Well, I hope them guys get here soon. We'll look pretty silly sitting in the parking lot all day with no Burt, no booze, and no Jervis."

This episode featured:
Paul Anner as Uncle Sal
Porter von Lowenbrau as Giacomo
Phillippe Gueuze as Steve McCool
and
Jellybean Merengue as the map of Pennsylvania.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm more afraid of tetanus shots than Dracula."

Uncle Sal and the Cut-off Companion (Episode 186)

Giacomo and his new girlfriend Dara climbed into the Dodge Dart and Uncle Sal headed toward the Elvis impersonator contest at the fairgrounds.

Dara reached toward the front seat and offered Uncle Sal a pretzel flavored like Buffalo wings. He took one and popped it in his mouth. "Say, that's pretty good."

"Better than the place where we just ate. Have you been to Knuckle's Sandwiches?"

"No. No good, eh?" Uncle Sal asked as he glanced at the rearview mirror. He didn't like how closely the blue Honda was following him.

"Put it to you this way. It's kind of a high-end sandwich shop and they have a hostess seat you. But when we arrived, there was a pickle on my chair and the remains of someone's sandwich on the table."

"Sounds a little like this place I went to when I was a restaurant critic. Place where I ended up makin' a scene. I went with my friend Dee Guardia. We walked in and saw a June bug scurrying across the carpet. There was a bunch of lettuce under our table and some dirty napkins on our chairs. Dee tells me we should go. She don't wanna eat in this place. I told her that I was on assignment, so I had to review the place. Plus, they had great beer specials."

Uncle Sal removed a bottle of nasal spray from the pocket of his ocher guayabera shirt and put one squirt in each nostril. "Well, she sure took advantage of the beer specials. It's all she had. She protested eating anything there. I had some linguine with clams. It wasn't bad, but nothin' to write home about. None of the food was too spectacular. Plus, we noticed that the mess that had been at our table wasn't the only one. There were scraps and stains all over the carpet.
While I was eating my dessert, Dee ordered probably her sixth beer. The waiter said they couldn't serve her anymore. As I had been eating, her complaints about the place got louder and louder. He said she didn't need no more of them beers. She asked to see a manager and that's where it got interesting. There she is, berating the manager for being cut off. He's yelling at her, telling her she's had far too much already. Meanwhile, I'm yelling at the manager for the all the grime in the restaurant, telling him I wouldn't eat in his place again if someone dared me."

"Sounds like total chaos."

"I suppose you could put it that way. It was quite a scene when the guy refused Dee while I dissed his sty."

This episode featured:
Jimmy Henricks as Uncle Sal
Raoul "Purple" Haze as Giacomo
Gypsy Neptune as Dara
and
Jellybean Merengue as the nasal spray.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The whole family is a bunch of dangerous freaks...Most are ex-cons or junkies or deranged from inbreeding."

Uncle Sal and the Maltreated Mascot (Episode 185)

Giacomo entered Uncle Sal's house and said, "Hey, where do you want to go to lunch? I was thinking about Han's Soul Oh! I could go for some of those spice collard greens with bacon."

"Yeah, it sounds good, but I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't? Like something came up?"

Uncle Sal sipped his Irish rickey and said, "No. Nothin' came up. It's just, I can't."

"But I don't understand. I don't know anybody that likes soul food as much as you."

"Well, it's like this. I had a little bit of an incident there last week."

"An incident? What do you mean?"

"I went there with Alice last week. Ya know, Cindy DuValliere used to be in the otter costume outside the restaurant." Uncle Sal shook some hot sauce into the bottom of a glass, then poured top of it. He used his American College of Surgeons pocketknife to cut the foil off a bottle of rye, added it to the drink and handed it to Giacomo.

"She ain't the otter anymore. It's some guy. Anyway, Alice and I are heading into the place and he says, 'Hey baby! How 'bout you and I get together later?' Fer all he knows, she's my wife and he's just gonna approach her like that. Then he keeps goin' on. Wonderin' why such a good-lookin' woman is with me and not with a real man. As if a real man would ever be in a giant rodent costume. The guy just wouldn't shut up, ya know. Which is what he woulda done if he knew what was good for him. Finally, he said one thing too many and I gave him a good push. He fell right into the rosebush outside the restaurant. The owner tole me I don't need to bother comin' back. Ever."

"Wait a minute. You got banned from the soul diner?"

"Yeah, I got banned from the place and all because I shoved that flirty otter."

This episode featured:
Charles Rivers as Giacomo
Stan Delz as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pocketknife.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Real nice party. I see a lot of familiar facelifts."

Uncle Sal and the Loudmouthed Lightweights (Episode 184)

Uncle Sal walked into the Grackles annual Mardi Gras party and got a hurricane from the bartender. He spotted Giacomo at the other end of the bar. As he walked toward Giacomo, Uncle Sal removed two perfecto cigars from the pocket of his teal guayabera shirt and handed one to Giacomo.

"This is such a great bash," Giacomo shouted over the sounds of the zydeco music coming from the speakers. I hope the Grackles never stop having the Mardi Gras party."

"Yeah, it sure is a good one. Nothin' like knockin' back some hurricanes and dancing with pretty girls to zydeco music."

Uncle Sal removed his The Young Werewolves Zippo from his pocket and after piercing the top of the cigar with a golf tee (to bite off the end was crude), lit his cigar. After a couple puffs, he noticed a group of guys over in the corner. They were cheering one guy to chug a pitcher of beer, if you could call it that. It barely had more color than a glass of water. "Who are those savages? What kinda yahoo drinks light beer at a Mardi Gras party?"

"That's the Flegger brothers and some of their friends."

"Those are Dean's kids? Boy, how long they been drinkin' already? Look at 'em. They're all red and the brown-haired one looks like he's havin' a hard time standin'."

"Yeah, they volunteered to help set up, I'm assuming so they could start drinking before the party actually started. The thing is, these guys can't really hold their alcohol. I went to college with the brown-haired one, Damon, and I never saw someone throw up from alcohol so frequently. And yeah, his brother, I think his name is Dan, doesn't seem to be any better. Probably the best thing to do is to call a cab for those guys right now, before they get out of control and wreck something."

"Too late. Damon just fell into that potted ficus. Just goes to show you Fleggers can't be boozers."

This episode featured:
Carl Neval as Uncle Sal
Bon T. Roulee as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the potted ficus.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A word to the wise is infuriating."

Uncle Sal and the Winged Wombat (Episode 183)

Uncle Sal entered Joe's place for the weekly pinochle game, removed his wet two-tone wingtips and left them on the welcome mat that bore the message "Hi, I'm Mat." He slipped out of his Mackintosh, hung it on the hook by the door, and walked to the fridge. Joe shuffled the cards as Uncle Sal cracked open his first Spud's.

Settling into his seat, Uncle Sal said, "Didja see who the Wombats picked up in the draft?"

Joe shook his head.

"Dion Vine."

Joe continued to deal, giving no sign that he had ever heard of the player.

"It's Sweetpea Vine's kid. You know, the all-time stolen base leader for the Wombats. Remember how quick he was? He was able to stand up on second base before the catcher could even get the ball outta his mitt." Uncle Sal put a bleu cheese olive in his mouth and continued. "Well, they say this kid Dion is even faster than his old man. In his senior year of high school, the kid stole more than a hunnerd bases. And they don't play nearly as many games in high school. You know them guys say they can turn out the lights and be under the covers in bed before the room is dark? Well, this kid can flip the switch, read a chapter of a book and be under the covers before it's dark."

"Wait a minute. The Wombats just drafted this kid outta high school? What are you so excited about? The kid's never played against real good competition. And besides, he might blow out his knee and never do nothin' for the Wombats."

"What am I so excited about? Don'tcha see? What's the one thing the Wombats have been missin' all these years? A good leadoff hitter. They always get guys that try to hit home runs. They forget that a leadoff hitter is supposed to get on base and let the guys behind him drive him home. And now, the Wombats have a guy that can steal bases anytime he wants."

After a long pull from his bottle of Spud's, Uncle Sal said, "And they didn't just get any guy. They got the fleet child of Vine."

This episode featured:
Lou Brockman as Uncle Sal
Rick E. Hendrickson as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Mackintosh.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hey! Ain't you that girl that hit the other girl in the face with your hair?"

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