Uncle Sal and the Vicious Vegetables (Episode 108)

Uncle Sal looked over the newspaper at Alice and said, "Say, you remember that actor Lowell Pate?"

"The soap opera actor?"

"And movies. He was a Hollywood big shot until..." Uncle Sal mimed drinking. "After he went into rehab, no one wanted to hire the guy."

After a look at his Baffled Beaver watch and a sip of his coffee, he continued. "I mean the guy won awards, and then he has a drinking problem and no one wants to hire the guy."

Alice removed a space shuttle pen from her purse and started to work the Sudoku. "I think there was more than just a drinking problem. Didn't he also have a thing with the network president's eighteen-year-old daughter?"

Sal shrugged.

"Anyway," Alice said. "What about him?"

"Says here inna paper that he's going to be one of the stars of a local theater production called The Vicious Vegetables of Dr. Liechtenstein. It's about a tomato, a leek, a carrot, and a butternut squash who are animated in a lab experiment and then rampage the town. Sounds like sump'n right up my alley, I'll tell ya."

Alice rolled her eyes. Not that she doubted it was right up his alley. It truly sounded like something he would enjoy. She rolled her eyes because she hoped she wouldn't get dragged to this horrendous sounding play.

"Pate, of course, is one of the stars. Guess what role he plays?"

"Hmmm. Well, I'd say the carrot is out. He's round and red, so he seems like a natural to play the tomato. But I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he's the butternut squash. It seems like that might be the least desirable part."

Uncle Sal grinned and shook his head. "You guessed all around it."

"You mean..."

"That's right. Pate plays a leek."

This episode featured:
"Play" Bill Ratzlenberg as Uncle Sal
Tess Paean as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the space shuttle pen.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Not now, Arctic Puffin."

Yours truly is the featured author on OC Arts and Culture

All you Salcoholics out there have probably been wondering when your humble author was going to get some more well-deserved recognition for the fine piece of literature that is A Gopher I Couldn't Defuse. Well, it has happened. I am currently the featured author on OC Arts and Culture. Many thanks to Angela Bishop for writing the feature. Be sure to check it out and leave your comments.

Uncle Sal and the Peculiar Percussionist (Episode 107)

Uncle Sal carried drinks on his sterling silver George Mikan tray and set it on the table. As Alice, Giacomo and Giacomo's girlfriend Tanesha reached for their drinks, Uncle Sal asked Giacomo, "Whatsa name of this band we're gonna see at the Dreams Lounge?"

"It's called Rutabagas for Breakfast. The drummer is really what makes the show. He started out with a drum kit that only had one proper drum, the bass. The rest of the kit was made of paint buckets, old pans, popcorn tins. The guy just doesn't feel right banging on actual drums. Giacomo took a sip of his Acapulco Clam Digger and said, "Well, then it got interesting. At one show, someone brought him a piece of PVC pipe. He added that to his drum kit."

Uncle Sal looked at his Maudlin Moose watch and asked, "What time they go on?"

"Ten, I think. Anyway, so then someone brought him a hubcap from a 1948 Tucker, and he added that to his kit. So, now he's got a running deal going. You bring something he can bang on, and he will incoporate into his percussion kit. Last time I saw him, someone brought him a radiator from a 1961 Dodge Dart. Danged if the drummer didn't add that to his kit, and make it sound good."

Uncle Sal sipped his bourbon and looked at Alice. "Pretty clever, don't you think? Guy starts off playing buckets and pans, and before ya know it, he's drumming a Dart at the Dreams."

This episode featured:

Keith "Moon Man" Luna as Uncle Sal

Pearl Snair as Alice

Franklin "Buddy" Richardson as Giacomo

Wanda Diamond as Tanesha

and

Jellybean Merengue as the George Mikan tray.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I was sittin' flickin' chickens."

Uncle Sal and the Lackey Lawyer (Episode 106)

Giacomo entered Uncle Sal's place and saw Uncle Sal on the couch, sipping a mai tai.

"Hey Giacomo. Ya ever seen these court programs? They are hilarious. Ya got the poor saps tryin' to speak for themselves and they sound like they went into the courthouse drunk." Uncle Sal looked at his Purple People Eater watch and said, "The one comes on next is my favorite. There's this lawyer on the program reminds me of a guy I knew in law school, name of Guy Winkley."

Giacomo went to the bar and began to prepare his own mai tai by dropping a slice of pineapple into his glass.

"This guy Winkley, he was some kinda brown-nose, especially in the courses taught by Tate Geschlicten. Winkley, he had a comment on every issue that professor brought up. And he made it clear to everyone in the class that he had read every last one of Geschlicten's books, briefs, and prolly pamphlets." After a sip of his mai tai, Uncle Sal continued. "Course that was just a good start for Winkley. See, this professor, he thought lawyerin' began and ended with Clarence Darrow. He was forever preaching the gospel of Clarence. I'll tell ya, it didn't take long for Winkley to glom onto that. Soon, he was framing all his comments in light of what the professor and ol' Clarence said. Like he didn't have an original thought in that coconut of his. Funny thing, everyone thinks lawyers is so smart and well-spoken. Maybe that's true, but Winkley found that what you say is just as important to your success."

"It sure sounds like he had law school all figured out."

"I'll say he did. I don't know what kinda lawyer he became, but he made it through law school by talkin the Tate and Darrow."

This episode featured:

Jarvis "Felonious" Monk as Uncle Sal

Aiden Abet as Giacomo

and

Jellybean Merengue as the slice of pineapple.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Awful good cereal flakes, Miss Mcdonough."

Uncle Sal and the Celebrated Chef (Episode 105)

Uncle Sal sat across from his literary agent Sid Greensleeve. Sid finished his call, and hung up the phone. "Sal, great to see you. This latest draft of your Sasquatch wrestler novel is great. And you know something? I would love to discuss it. Over lunch. I'm starving."

Uncle Sal looked at his orange Carrotopia watch: 11:32. Sid was nothing if not a creature of habit. He liked to go to lunch at 11:30 to avoid the crowd that arrived at restaurants at noon.

"My treat, of course," Sid added.

"Sure thing. Where do you want to go?"

"You know I love that Somali restaurant. The chef there, what's her name? Anita Beer. My goodness! She's amazing."

"Well..."

"I'll never forget the first time I had sambusas at that place. It was like a little bit of heaven. The meat in there, I think it was goat, was incredible! Just seemed to melt in my mouth."

"Right, but..."

"And the ambola. Who would have ever guessed that something as simple as beans could be so delicious. But then when the food is prepared by the hands of a master like Anita, I suppose anything would taste really good."

Uncle Sal said, "We can go to that Somali place if you want. I agree it is really good. The only thing is that Anita doesn't work there anymore."

"What?"

"No, there was a change of management at the place. The new manager brought in his own chef and let go the kitchen staff that had been working there."

Sid removed a cigar from the drawer of his desk. He circumcised the tip of it with his cutter and stuck it between his teeth. As he puffed to get the cigar going, he said, "They let Anita go. That's unthinkable. That was the best place in town. And because of her."

"On the plus side though, Anita found a new job at that Szechuan place across town. You thought that place was good before, you should try it now."

"Really? Anita's working at a Chinese place?"

"Yup. Beer's cooking at Chu's, Sid."

This episode featured:

Kevin "Paperback" Reiter as Uncle Sal

Tucker Shertz as Sid Greensleeve

and

Jellybean Merengue as the cigar cutter.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "No one laughs at a master of Quack Fu."

Uncle Sal and the Pristine Party (Episode 104)

Uncle Sal sat between Alice and Brad Jimson on the couch at the annual Christmas in August party. Uncle Sal put a matchbook of the event into the pocket of his Guild of Omani Novelists bowling shirt and sipped egg nog from a Blitzen mug.

Brad sipped his egg nog also and said, "Man, that egg nog is amazing. It's perfect." He looked at the surface of the drink and said, "Did Odetta grate the spices herself?"

"Course she did. She is meticulous about this party." Uncle Sal stood up and motioned for Brad to follow him. They walked to the hearth and Uncle Sal pointed to the stocking with his name on it. "Every year, she makes a new batch of stockings. I guess this year the color is lavender. And then you can see, she stitches the names on there too. Then there's the tree. I mean, let's face it. Ya ain't gonna find a Christmas tree in August. So, she grows some out in the back yard and cuts one down every year."

Brad was impressed, not only that she took the time to grow her own Christmas trees, but also at the fact that the Christmas tree was perfect. It wasn't dry. It was perfectly formed. And Odetta had adorned it with well-placed garlands and ornaments. Brad thought it was the sort of tree you would see on some talk show just before the holidays.

"But that ain't nothin' compared to this." Uncle Sal led Brad to the nativity scene in the corner. "Have a look at that."

Brad looked at the scene and nodded. Uncle Sal slapped him on the shoulder and said, "No! Really look at it."

Following Uncle Sal's instructions, Brad bent and looked intently at the nativity scene. The manger was made entirely of pretzel sticks. The floor was covered with pine needles that Brad correctly assumed had come from the home-grown Christmas tree. The figures (both human and animal) had been sculpted out of sugar, painted, and shellacked.

A long, low whistle escaped Brad's lips. "Wow! That is something else. I can't believe that she takes all the time to do all this stuff. And that it's all perfect."

"Course it's perfect. She's been doing this party for twelve years and I can tell ya one thing. She does not muff her Yules, Bradley."

This episode featured:

Yul Log IV as Uncle Sal

Fiorello Mellovich as Brad Jimson

Gabriela Angeles as Alice

and

Jellybean Merengue as the lavender Uncle Sal stocking.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Bless the saints, it's an ashtray!"