Esteemed members of The Ohio State University football coaching staff,
The other day in between dances at the local gin joint (I was twirling with a dame called Myrna. She's a dynamite jitterbugger, I can tell you that), my friend Cyrus told me about something new he and his mates are doing on the gridiron. He called it the forward pass. It sounded pretty batty to me, so I asked him to explain. When he told me how the whole thing worked, I said, "You're talking through your hat, chum."
"Come out to the gridiron and see for yourself. You'll see. This forward pass is the bee's knees. Hey, why don't you strap on a leather helmet and join us. We could use a good wingback."
Well, I spent the rest of the night doing the jitterbug and the Charleston with some fabulous dames, but the next day, I was out on the gridiron. And you know something? Cyrus wasn't talking out of his hat after all. You see, what happens is the center delivers the ball to the quarterback. After the quarterback retreats a few steps (he's got nothing on my jitterbug, I can tell you), he throws the ball to a...I believe he's called a flanker. It's the cat's pajamas. I'll tell you. You really ought to see it performed. This forward pass could change the way football is played.
Leo Porterhouse, avid gridiron follower