Uncle Sal and the Pristine Party (Episode 104)

Uncle Sal sat between Alice and Brad Jimson on the couch at the annual Christmas in August party. Uncle Sal put a matchbook of the event into the pocket of his Guild of Omani Novelists bowling shirt and sipped egg nog from a Blitzen mug.

Brad sipped his egg nog also and said, "Man, that egg nog is amazing. It's perfect." He looked at the surface of the drink and said, "Did Odetta grate the spices herself?"

"Course she did. She is meticulous about this party." Uncle Sal stood up and motioned for Brad to follow him. They walked to the hearth and Uncle Sal pointed to the stocking with his name on it. "Every year, she makes a new batch of stockings. I guess this year the color is lavender. And then you can see, she stitches the names on there too. Then there's the tree. I mean, let's face it. Ya ain't gonna find a Christmas tree in August. So, she grows some out in the back yard and cuts one down every year."

Brad was impressed, not only that she took the time to grow her own Christmas trees, but also at the fact that the Christmas tree was perfect. It wasn't dry. It was perfectly formed. And Odetta had adorned it with well-placed garlands and ornaments. Brad thought it was the sort of tree you would see on some talk show just before the holidays.

"But that ain't nothin' compared to this." Uncle Sal led Brad to the nativity scene in the corner. "Have a look at that."

Brad looked at the scene and nodded. Uncle Sal slapped him on the shoulder and said, "No! Really look at it."

Following Uncle Sal's instructions, Brad bent and looked intently at the nativity scene. The manger was made entirely of pretzel sticks. The floor was covered with pine needles that Brad correctly assumed had come from the home-grown Christmas tree. The figures (both human and animal) had been sculpted out of sugar, painted, and shellacked.

A long, low whistle escaped Brad's lips. "Wow! That is something else. I can't believe that she takes all the time to do all this stuff. And that it's all perfect."

"Course it's perfect. She's been doing this party for twelve years and I can tell ya one thing. She does not muff her Yules, Bradley."

This episode featured:

Yul Log IV as Uncle Sal

Fiorello Mellovich as Brad Jimson

Gabriela Angeles as Alice

and

Jellybean Merengue as the lavender Uncle Sal stocking.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Bless the saints, it's an ashtray!"

Uncle Sal and the Cursed Caroler (Episode 69)

Uncle Sal entered the mall and said, "I can't believe I let you talk me into this."

Alice said, "Well, I need to get something for my brother for Christmas and you're about the same size. We should get something for you while we're here...to replace that LA Kings jersey you're wearing. Who's Nicholls anyway?"

Uncle Sal stopped cold. "Bernie Nicholls, the greatest Kings player ever. Anyway, I can't believe I'm here. And there's the Christmas music. I hate Christmas music."

"How can you hate Christmas music. It's lovely. I enjoy this time of year because it's Christmas music everywhere."

"That's the trouble," Uncle Sal muttered.

She looked at him, waiting for him to repeat what he had said, only louder. He wasn't about to give her the satisfaction. "You remind me of this woman Trisha Rutiglione. She loves everything about Christmas: the gifts, the music, the wreaths." Uncle Sal unwrapped a root beer candy and popped it into his mouth. "Every year she goes out caroling with this group of people. They dress up and go through neighborhoods singing carols. Well, one time last year, they went to this house. They ring the doorbell and of course the folks come to the door and the group begins to sing. That group didn't even get through one verse of the carol when the guy that answered the door started to curse and boo."

"He booed Christmas carolers?"

"Well, that's the trouble, ain't it. Folks start playing Christmas music around Thanksgiving. Then by the time Christmas comes, a lot of reasonable folks is sick of the whole thing." He caught Alice's evil eye and continued. "I ain't saying I condone that kinda behavior. I dislike Christmas music as much as the next guy, but I'd never do sump'n rude like hooting Trish in a carol."

This episode featured:
Elmer Vittenheimer as Uncle Sal
Iris diPesto as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the root beer candy.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It's not rocket science, it's brain surgery."