Uncle Sal and the Disinformed Donor (Episode 205)

As Uncle Sal, Giacomo, and Helmut Trickle (the designated driver) walked toward the exit of the whiskey tasting, Helmut looked at the rye booth and took a long look at a bottle of rye with a picture of a rooster on it.

Helmut said, "Oh, you know who would love this?"

"Nils Gish," Uncle Sal answered.

"That's right. He..."

"Yeah, I know. He collects rye. I been in his rye cellar. He's prolly got about 50 bottles down there. Gives me a different sample every time I see him."

"You think he has one of these? I'm thinking maybe I'll take him one." he asked, pointing to the rooster.

"Prolly. I didn't catalog every bottle. But I would say don't buy it for him. It ain't like he needs it. Ya wanna buy a bottle of rye for someone, buy it for me. I only got one half-empty bottle in the cabinet. Give to the needy, not the greedy."

Uncle Sal pulled his Lowell Spinners hat on and turned over his Creedence Clearwater Revival tape as Helmut started the car. Before he shifted the 8-ball gearshift, Helmut offered some ostrich jerky to Uncle Sal and Giacomo. He navigated the car out of the parking lot and when he turned on to Copperhead Road, they passed a 1968 Ford Econoline van on cinder blocks. The dashboard held a FOR SALE sign. The side of the van was decorated with an airbrush painting of Betty Boop with a grossly exaggerated bust and a skimpy bikini.

"Would you look at that?" Helmut said.

"That's sump'n else." Uncle Sal answered. "I ain't seen a van like that for a long time. 'Specially not with that kinda paint job."

"You know who would like that? Sid Grumman."

"Grumman?"

"Yeah. Nobody likes to work on vans as much as he does."

"I don't doubt Grumman could get that thing offa cinder blocks. He's a wizard. And if he didn't like the paint job, I'm sure he'd come up with sump'n good there too. But he's already got two vans in his garage and one in his driveway. He ain't got room for anymore, 'less he opens up his own shop."

"I just thought..."

"Yeah, I know. You were thinking you'd tell Grumman about it. See what he could do with that beauty. It's a nice thought, but I'll tell ya...Grumman needs a van like Gish needs a rye, Trickle."

This episode featured:
Butch Femmstein as Uncle Sal
Fillmore Steinem as Giacomo
Roderick "Gitter" Dunn as Helmut Trickle
and
Jellybean Merengue as the FOR SALE sign.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Wait! Where are you going?... I was going to make espresso!"

Uncle Sal and the Inconspicuous Ingredient (Episode 160)

In the Lazy Lounge Uncle Sal slid into a booth across from Ryder Wachtor. Ryder said, "Looks like you got a little crumb on your shirt there."

Uncle Sal looked down at his Naked and Shameless t-shirt and plucked a crumb off of it. "I just had a chocolate chip cookie over at that Bean There Cafe. Looks like I was saving a piece for later."

"Bean There? Never heard of it."

"It's this new place, run by a guy Giacomo knows. Guy by the name of DooDoo."

"His name is DooDoo and he runs a cafe? I think I'd have to pass."

"Course his real name ain't DooDoo. It's Duane Dudek. With that name, it don't take grade school kids long to come up with a nickname like DooDoo. They all still call him that, even though he introduces himself to everyone with his middle name Jerome."
Uncle Sal flagged a waitress down and ordered a Bannockburn and a plate of spicy fries. "Well, his old schoolmates are as likely to call him Jerome now as they were to call him Duane after he got his unfortunate nickname."

Wachtor looked at Uncle Sal's drink and said, "That looks disgusting. Who puts tomato juice in whiskey? So, what's this cafe all about?"

"It's really good. He makes a lot of standard things: pasta, jambalaya, omelets. And the thing is, every dish has a common ingredient." Uncle Sal glanced up at the television to catch the score of the Wombats game and gritted his teeth when he saw that the manager had brought the awful closer in. "And you'd never guess what the ingredient is. I mean, I don't know what he does with this special ingredient that makes everything taste so good. It's mind-blowing."

"So what's the ingredient? Beans?"

"No, it's bean sprouts. Course he doesn't tell his customers that until after they've finished their dishes."

"He puts bean sprouts in everything? And you ate there?"

"I've eaten there a few times already. It's really good."

"So, wait a minute. Didn't you say you had a cookie from there?"

"That's right."

"And he puts bean sprouts in cookies?"

"Like I tole ya, he puts bean sprouts in everything. I had my doubts when I first went there too, but I'm telling you, you've never had cookies like this. Or jambalaya, or pancakes."

Wachtor cringed. "Pancakes with bean sprouts. I don't know if I can get past that idea. And I can't believe you're eating there."

"Heck yeah, I'm eating there. Sure it sounds pretty unusual, but it tastes good when DooDoo Dudek's cooking sprouts, Ry Wachtor."

This episode featured:
Dusty Cooke as Uncle Sal
Serge Skillett as Ryder Wachtor
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cookie crumb.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in."