Uncle Sal and the Shirtless Siblings (Episode 171)

Uncle Sal looked up at the scoreboard of the Tobacco Bowl and shook his head. The Boneshakers were losing 20-3 to the Ocelots as the game approached halftime. After a sip of hot toddy from his Biketoberfest flask and turned to Doak Carr sitting on his left. "Boy, I tell ya, Doak. Boneshakers look terrible today. I don't unnerstand what happened to the offense. I ain't never seen 'em look this bad. They better get it turned around."

Doak said, "The problem ain't the offense."

"Whatta ya mean the problem ain't the offense? They only got 44 yards the entire first half, and they were lucky to get that field goal with it bouncing off the upright like that. And the defense ain't been much better. They're lucky the Ocelots only have 20 points so far."

Doak shook his head. "No, that ain't the problem at all." He took a bite of the red hot he had just bought from the vendor and said, "I'm telling ya, that ain't the problem. See them big goonie brothers about six rows down. One in the camouflage jacket and one in the striped turtleneck. That's Clem and Elmer Todd Vylde. They been season ticket holders since I don't know when. You probably seen 'em on TV. They figure any guy can go shirtless at a football game just to get on camera. But these two guys, they only go shirtless when the team needs a rally."

"But then why do they still have their shirts on? If ever the Boneshakers needed a rally, it's now."

"That's the thing. I talked to them before the game. They ain't goin' shirtless today. You wouldn't think 18 degrees is too cold for them to take off their shirts, but Elmer Todd told me he's just gettin' over a respiratory infection and doesn't want to take the chance of gettin' sick again. Of course if Elmer Todd is keepin' his shirt on, so is Clem."

"But we gotta get 'em to change their minds. Get 'em drunk, something. I don't want to watch the Boneshakers lose just because these guys don't want to risk a cold. Ya gotta find a way to bare the Vylde things, Carr."

This episode featured:
Rico "Tail" Backus as Uncle Sal
Delbert "The Nose" Tachel
Lloyd and Boyd Leinenbacher as the Vylde brothers
and
Jellybean Merengue as the camouflage jacket.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "He is an unsurpassed nincompoop with the manners of a warthog."

Uncle Sal Winterizes the House (Episode 17)

Uncle Sal placed a couple pieces of firewood on top of the pile on the rear patio. "Giacomo, isn't winter the greatest time of year? The snow, the cold, the hot toddies. Y'know, a lot of folks my age hate the cold. Bothers their arthritis. Not me. I wish it was winter year-round. There's nothing better than sitting by the fireplace and watching football. By the way, I really appreciate you coming over and helping me chop the wood."

Giacomo smiled. "I couldn't let you do it all on your own. Besides, it was worth it to see someone chop wood wearing an avocado leisure suit."

"When we finish here, we should go up into the attic and replace some of the insulation. That should be pretty quick. I reckon most of it's still good."

"What about the windows? Are you going to cover them with plastic?"

"Course I am. Whatta ya think I am, some kinda tenderfoot?"

"You need to seal them too. Remember last year, whenever it snowed, you ended up with a puddle beneath all your windows."

"You don't need to remind me. I'm the one lives here. I got a couple specialists coming to take care of that job."

"You hired someone?"

"Well, I guess in a manner of speaking. I promised 'em a couple hot toddies when they finish."

Uncle Sal heard the doorbell ring. "That's probably my guys right now."

He and Giacomo walked to the front door. When the door swung open, Giacomo saw two silver-haired men older than Uncle Sal by probably twenty years. "Arthur, Milton, come on in. This here's my nephew Giacomo. We was just finishing stacking up the firewood. You all can get to work. Everything you need is in my toolbox in the garage."

As they walked back toward the patio, Giacomo asked Uncle Sal, "Couldn't you find anyone younger to help you with the windows?"

"Younger? Sure. But younger ain't always better. They're the best. Those coots are made for caulking."

This episode featured:
Monte Crisco as Uncle Sal
Kirk Crockett as Giacomo
Beau Juarez as Arthur
Rusty Blackman as Milton
and
Jellybean Merengue as the doorbell

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She carried on without a comma that she was someone I should know."

[27 November 2007]