Uncle Sal and the Brilliant Bootlegger (Episode 198)

Uncle Sal entered the wine cellar of his friend Brit Blessington and removed his Levi's trucker cap. "Heckuva setup ya got here. I never seen so much wine outside of a restaurant."

"I've been collecting for years. It's a labor of love. Here, try this." Brit opened a bottle of pinot noir and gave Uncle Sal the cork to smell. He then poured a splash into a glass and handed it to Uncle Sal.

Uncle Sal smelled the wine because he knew that's what he was supposed to do, but he didn't know exactly what he was supposed to smell. He sipped it and said, "That's pretty good. Smooth."

"That's from Slovakia."

The host led Uncle Sal through rows of bottles of reds, whites, and some wines that Uncle Sal had never heard of and couldn't pronounce. Finally, they came to a cask marked with three big black Xs.

"What's that one? Is that the strongest one in your collection?"

"No, that's for a very special customer. You know Nigel Colcroft?"

"Colcroft? Isn't he the guy that got sent away for embezzlement?"

"Exactly. And what do you think is the thing prisoners request most often, especially in a white collar prison? Aside from a willing female partner." Without waiting for Uncle Sal, he said, "Alcohol. These guys have been put away and they never get any alcohol to drink. So Nigel and I came up with a plan. Whatever is left at the end of a bottle, I pour it in here. When this is full, I get the wine to the prison. He sells this stuff to the other guys in the prison for whatever currency they use. He of course will pay me when he gets out in a couple years."

"You mean to tell me this guy is selling leftover wine to prisoners?"

"Absolutely. They don't care as long as it's alcoholic. It's the best they're going to get until they're out."

"Pretty clever. Who would have ever thought you could make a business just by putting all your dregs in one cask, Britt."

This episode featured:
Ed Riesling as Uncle Sal
Heinrich Gewurtztraminer as Brit Blessington
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cork.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "We ain't heroes. We're businessmen."

Uncle Sal and the Collared Connoisseur (Episode 95)

Inside A Cool Dry Place jazz club. Honeydew McMillan was on stage, setting out a plate of the fruit for which she was named. Uncle sal took a piece, ate it, then wiped his hands on his League of Fearsome Facial Hair bowling shirt before joining Joe at the bar.

"Say Joe, did you hear about the latest sting by the police?"

"No. What happened?"

"Well, it seems they were after this guy Rollie Hitchens as bein' some kinda organized crime figure."

The bartender came to the end of the bar and Uncle Sal ordered a shot of rye and a Spud's.

"I mean, they suspected this guy of all sorts of criminal behavior. They had all sorts of circumstantial evidence that suggested he was into gamblin', protection schemes, the whole nine." Uncle Sal took the shot of rye and felt the warmth spread through his chest as the flavor lingered on his tongue. "So they bug his place. Well, they hadda know that if the guy was really in organized crime, he wouldn't be stupid enough to say anything incriminatin' in his house or place of bidness. So that went bust."

On stage, Honeydew McMillan sang the first line of "Jelly Don't Shake Like That," and Uncle Sal continued. "But then the cops got a tip, right. Turns out there was a shipment of pinot noir coming in somewhere and Hitchens was planning to hijack the whole thing. Not just a case, or anything like that. They got this tip that the guy was going to hijack the entire shipment from the docks. So the cops set up a sting and they nabbed this guy trying to take the entire shipment of wine onto a truck. Here's the kicker though. He said he wasn't planning to sell it. He was gonna keep it for his own personal enjoyment."

Joe sipped his Moscow Mule and said, "You don't mean..."

"That's right. The cops were able to nab this guy because a Hitch in crime craves wine."

This episode featured:

Willie "Fathead" McConkey as Uncle Sal

Steven "Stinkeye" Gruffman as Joe

Wanda Blossom as Honeydew McMillan

and

Jellybean Merengue as the plate of honeydew.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It's fourth and fifteen and you're facing a full-court press."