Uncle Sal and the Forgotten Films (Episode 88)

Giacomo drove his Plymouth Valiant down Maple and when he came to the intersection at Vanden Heuven, he said to Uncle Sal, "Look at that. The Hale Theater is almost finished."

Uncle Sal picked a hair off of his powder blue Texas Rangers Kurt Bevacqua jersey and said, "The Hale Theater? What's that?"

Giacomo looked at his uncle and said, "Haven't you been reading about it in the paper? They've done several stories about it."

Uncle Sal poked the dashboard hula girl to get her dancing a little bit. "No, I ain't read it in the paper. That's why I'm askin' ya what it is."

"I'm sure you'll love it. The owner..."

"Let me guess. His name is Hale."

"Actually, no. He named it after Alan Hale, the skipper from Gilligan's Island. Anyway, the owner of the place is a big fan of bad movies. Monster movies, alien movies, horror movies where the corpses move. He loves all of that stuff. So, he figured the best thing to do was to make a theater specifically for people like him."

"I love all them monster movies. Hollywood can keep their car chases and explosions. Give me flying sharks from outer space anytime. 

"Exactly. Plus, he's going to have double features. And he's going to charge less than all the other theaters in town. You'll be able to get two movies for less than you'd pay for a single current Hollywood movie."

"Prolly be more entertained than if ya went to watch one of them mainstream films."

"And get this." Giacomo continued. "I've heard the first double feature there is going to be Plan 9 from Outer Space and Gamera versus Zigra."

Uncle Sal whistled. "Boy, that's a heckuvan idea. You can go anywhere in town for a slick mainstream picture, but the dreck's in the Hale."

This episode featured:

Zeno "King" Khan as Giacomo

Merle Oh as Uncle Sal

and

Jellybean Merengue as the dashboard hula girl.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it." 

Uncle Sal and the Finnish Farce (Episode 87)

Uncle Sal entered the Java Man coffee shop and saw Giacomo looking at his laptop. He watched a few moments of whatever Giacomo was watching before he said, "What is this?"

Giacomo paused the video and turned to look at Uncle Sal. He was about to start explaining what he was watching when he noticed the orange jersey Uncle Sal wore. "I like the old school Buccaneers jersey. Who's number eighty-eight?"

"Jimmie Giles. Tight end. So what is this you're watching?"

"It's this hilarious show from Finland. It's kind of a parody of news and politics."

"But with robots."

"Yeah. Kind of like Les Guignols in France does with puppets. The robots do all these sketches of current events in news and politics. This friend of mine, Sweaty Scott, he introduced me to it a couple weeks ago. And you could only find a few episodes here and there."

Giacomo sipped his cappuccino from the Baldknobbers cup and a little foam clung to his upper lip. "But now it's everywhere. You see one of the robots is basically the Finnish version of all these stupid, rich American girls that are famous for being famous. They don't do anything, but everyone knows who they are. Well, this girl" he pointed to the screen. "Is just like that. She was kind of famous because her dad is rich and rumor has it that he bought her a spot on the show once it started to take off in Finland. She recently had a run-in with a cop in Espoo. She was pulled over for speeding. And she didn't just give the cop the 'Do you know who I am?' treatment. She grabbed his tie, pulled it through the open window and then closed the window. She told the cop he could either let her go or start running when she got the car moving again."

"And now the show is more popular than ever because of the brat on the 'bot Finn spoof."

This episode featured:

Benny Hilson as Uncle Sal

Earl Borg as Giacomo

and 

Jellybean Merengue as the laptop.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I ain't afraid of no ghost."

Uncle Sal and the Senseless Scribe (Episode 86)

Uncle Sal and Alice walked into A Cool Dry Place jazz club for drinks before going to a play. They sat across from Giacomo and his new (typically busty) girlfriend Graciela.

"Uncle Sal, don't you think a New York Islanders hockey jersey is a little casual for the play?"

As he reached for a piece of bread in the bread basket, he said, "It's Kelly Hrudey. The Islanders goalie the last time the team was any good?" Realizing that explanation wasn't sufficient for anyone else at the table, Uncle Sal said, "I gotta shirt and tie underneath. By the way, what's the name of the play we're seeing tonight?"

"It's called Ragamuffins and Jam. It's kind of a re-imagining of the legend of King Arthur with a reggae band instead of knights and minstrels. It's written and directed by a guy called Horace Weddle. It's been getting really good reviews. Most people seem to think it's really funny. Except for Percy Motkovich in the Potboiler. He hated it. He said the direction was like trying to lead a bunch of five-year-olds in a fire drill. And he said the lead actor was as uninspiring as a turkey sandwich on a rainy day."

"But that don't even make sense," Uncle Sal said."

"Exactly. I mean, Percy doesn't always make sense. I remember one time he said that a certain actor in her costume looked like a twig in a bowl of pudding."

"So, he writes like this all the time?"

"Yup. And he has the nerve to call out someone who not only wrote a play but got it on stage."

Uncle Sal shook his head slowly from side to side and said, "Well, if that ain't the Mot callin' the Weddle hack."

This episode featured:
Umberto Flinderplatz as Uncle Sal
Frieda Crooks as Alice
Octavious Bankhead as Giacomo
Berta Foxglove as Graciela
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bread basket.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I think someone's been having some fun with you."

Uncle Sal and the Signature Sneakers (Episode 85)

Uncle Sal entered Giacomo's place and tucked his Boston Celtics Jerry Sichting jersey into his khaki pants.

"Come on in, Uncle Sal. I'll fix you a drink while we wait for my other friends to show up. I'm telling you this unicycle supercross is going to be awesome. Hey, where did you get those green high-tops?"

Uncle Sal explained that he had found them at a flea market in Mishawaka. "Only fifteen bucks too. Ya like 'em?"

"Those are incredible. They remind me of this guy I knew in middle school, Julius Griffith. He was a real dorky sort of guy. He was in the chess club and chemistry club, and he always wore shoes like that. They had the brand name Griffith and he tried to tell us that it was his family that made the shoes."

Giacomo poured the Drambuie into Uncle Sal's rusty nail and said, "That was just like the guy though. He was always telling stories or pulling pranks on people. And he was the perfect guy for it because you wouldn't suspect a member of the chess club to be a prankster. Not only did he try to tell us that his family made Griffith shoes, but he also pulled pranks on teachers and students. No one could ever prove it, but rumor had it that he was responsible anytime someone's house got toilet papered. There was always this glint in his eye when someone asked if he had TP'd a house. I used to tease him all the time about his nerdy stuff, but he made it up to me. One time, I opened up my locker and I don't know how he did it, but he rigged it up that as soon as the door was fully open, it triggered a shaving cream bomb. I was covered in the stuff. Took me hours to get it all off of me. He claimed full credit for that one, I can tell you. He didn't want any doubt about who had planted that bomb in my locker."

Uncle Sal sipped his rusty nail and said, "Sounds like a pretty funny guy. Just goes to show you that you should beware of geeks wearing Griffs."

This episode featured:
Cleveland Chevalier as Uncle Sal
Houston Tenace as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Drambuie.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Stay out of this, bimbo! This is a family matter."

Uncle Sal and the Financial Freakout (Episode 84)

Joe dealt the cards and said, "Boy, I tell ya. This economic situation is so scary. I wonder when it's all gonna end. I think we're all gonna die broke."

Uncle Sal adjusted the DRAFT BEER NOT STUDENTS button on his Seattle Pilots Gene Brabender jersey and said, "It ain't pretty, but then it ain't really worth thinkin' about too much."

"Whatta ya mean it ain't worth thinkin' about? Why, I know a guy Frode Schweddamaker, he's so paranoid about the whole thing. He's stopped investing in stocks. He's stopped using banks. He's so worried about the whole thing, he barely sleeps anymore."

"See, that's just what I mean. This friend of yours is all worked up about the economic situation. And what's it getting him but misery?"

"You don't even know the half of it. I was with him at a church rummage sale one time and he found this thing, looks like The Maltese Falcon. Only it ain't a falcon, it's a crow. Well, at first he was just using the thing for decoration. Then all this stuff started happening. Banks going under, stock market falling like a pair of lead boots. Well, he decided he was gonna withdraw all his money from the banks and the stock market, and put it inside this statue he got at the church rummage sale. Any time he needs some money, he goes to this statue, and takes what he needs. Course, he's the only one knows where it is, and he changes the location frequently."

Uncle Sal set his Spud's Beer back on the table and said, "Well, I can see why a fella might wanna do sump'n like that. I mean, ya never know when some financial institution is gonna go under. But I ain't so sure it's smart neither to have all your bucks in a crow."

This episode featured:
Manny Schevitz as Joe
Lance Boyles as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the DRAFT BEER NOT STUDENTS button.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face."

Uncle Sal and the Hefty Host (Episode 83)

Uncle Sal and Alice walked into the library half of the Nouveau Nightclub. Uncle Sal straightened out his Cleveland Cavaliers Tree Rollins jersey and picked up the book Teach Yourself Glockenspiel in 7 Days.

"You're going to learn the glockenspiel?" Alice asked.

"I dunno. Maybe."

As he replaced the book on the shelf he looked at the nightclub, he saw a large man, shaped like a hill. The man was not only completely without a neck. He was so big, he had rolls on the top of his head.

"Holy huckleberries! Look at the size of that guy!"

"Sal, don't be so impolite."

"What's impolite? He's a big guy. That's just the truth. He reminds me of this guy Frank Ficarelli that hosts karaoke at this place Singland. Funny thing, he's a big fella, but he's got a voice like Frankie Lymon."

"You've been to Singland?"

Uncle Sal glanced at a calendar of buxom swimsuit models. "Yeah, Giacomo took me one time. It was pretty funny. There was this eastern European guy that sang I Will Survive. Giacomo tried to get me to sing sump'n by Rod Stewart. Dunno why. I didn't sing nothin'. Not enough alcohol inna bar to get me to sing in front of a buncha strangers. But it's fun to watch. I tell ya, a couple drinks and then watching these people who think they can sing. That's entertainment. Anywho...this guy Frank hosts the whole thing. He's built like three beer barrels, and I thought he was big. but this guy here, he's as round as the Frank of Singland.

This episode featured:
Eustace Flapp as Uncle Sal
Martina Mickleston as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the glockenspiel book.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Don't order the schnitzel. They're using Schnauzer.

Uncle Sal and the Wily Wager (Episode 82)

A dried cranberry fell from Uncle Sal's New York Jets Emerson Boozer jersey as he stood up to answer the phone.

"Uncle Sal, what are you doing two weeks from Saturday?"

Uncle Sal rubbed his chin and said, "I ain't got nothin' planned. What's goin' on?"

"There's a beerfest in Bellefontaine. Says here in the magazine that there will be brewers from fifty different breweries, and twelve different countries. On the last day, if there are any kegs left, the breweries are gonna make them available for sale."

"You know who would love that? Besides me, of course. My old friend Terrence Pomm. Terrence would do anything for beer. Matter of fact, he used to bet for beers. But he'd say that it couldn't be any of that cheap watered-down crap that most Americans consider beer. He demanded good beer, and he'd bet on anything for it" Uncle Sal took a sip of his Spud's beer and continued. "Well, one time, some friends and I figgered we had a bet we couldn't lose. Al Korn says he'll give Terry twenny bucks if he could eat six saltines in a minute. Of course with nothin' to wash 'em down."

"Wait a minute. Twenty bucks for that? That hardly seems challenging."

"That's what made it such a great bet. Terry laughed at the twenny bucks and told us no way. So I proposed a keg of beer...Belgian beer. Ya shoulda seen his face light up at that. We agree on it. And I get him the six saltines. I start the clock and he shoves three in his mouth right away. Starts chewin' and after a few seconds realizes his mouth is dry and he's got a mouthful of saltine paste that he can't do nothin' with. His eyes get all big and he spends the rest of the minute just tryin' to get those three saltines down. That keg of beer? It was the best beer I ever had and all because I knew ya can't make a Pomm bet without stakin' some kegs."

This episode featured:
Larry Lagermann as Uncle Sal
Porter Janssens as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the dried cranberry.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."