Uncle Sal and the Bewildered Bartender (Episode 197)

Uncle Sal walked into The Crow Bar and asked Kelly for a pint of Spud's. He put his Red Man trucker hat on the bar and said, "Whatsa matter, Kelly? You look like someone who just lost a puppy."

Kelly fiddled with her left earring and said, "It's men."

Uncle Sal wished he hadn't asked the question. He thought this might take a while so he ordered a shot of Bulleit to go with his beer.

"I just don't understand them," she said. "Like my boyfriend. You know him. Doug Peltz. Well, I got this shirt at a nice little boutique. It's a frilly long-sleeved white shirt. Really nice."

Uncle Sal sighed, shot his bourbon, and set the glass on the bar.

"It's the sort of thing I can wear on a night out with him. That's what I bought it for. But I came home from work one day and he's wearing it, just around the house. When I asked about it, he told me he likes it because it makes him look like a pirate. I'm dating a guy who likes wearing my clothes."

After pulling a pint for someone who had just walked in, Kelly poured the liquid off of one of the bar mats and said, "And then there's my band, Fun Buster and the Wet Blankets. We just auditioned drummers and it came down to two guys: Avery Hawkins and Phil Schott. Avery is perfect. He's been in punk bands before. He hits the drums hard, and that's what we need for our garage sound. Except the guys in the band outvoted me. Even though Phil is a jazz drummer, the guys chose him because they think his personality is a better fit. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong. But I don't think he's right for our band. And ultimately I think we'll be looking for a drummer again in a few months." Kelly blew her bangs out of her eyes and sipped a beer of her own.

After a long sip from his pint, Uncle Sal said, "Well, I don't know if you can condemn all men just because you got Peltz in your blouse and Schott in your band."

This episode featured:
M. Emmett Marrs as Uncle Sal
Candy Rappeur as Kelly
and
Jellybean Merengue as the earring.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If they told you wolverines would make good house pets, would you believe them?"

Uncle Sal and the Perturbed Pitchman (Episode 102)

Uncle Sal sat next to Joe at the Crow Bar. He took a sip of the Spud's Kelly had placed in front of him and looked toward the door. "Oh no!"

Joe looked at the television. The Wombats hadn't done anything bad. They hadn't even made a call to the bullpen to bring in Uncle Sal's least favorite pitcher. "What do you mean?"

Uncle Sal took the bottle cap and slid it into the pocket of his Federation of Lanky Icelandic Plumbers bowling shirt. "Guy that just walked in. Name's Chad, or Tad. Sump'n like that. He comes in here a lot and he always wants to tell people about his day at work. He actually thinks they're interested. Maybe he'll sit down the other end of the bar."

The man sat on the stool to Uncle Sal's left. Kelly said, "Hey Tad." But she also made the mistake of asking him how he was doing.

"What a day!" Tad replied as he loosened the knot of his tie. "I was giving a presentation in a marketing meeting today. It was really a good presentation too. You should have seen some of the slides I made in PowerPoint. They were really eye-catching and cool, if I do say so myself." He took a sip of his Blue Hawai'i and said, "Yeah, so there I am giving a presentation about what we can do to make our brand more noticeable. More of a household name, you know. I mean, that's the name of the game, right? You have to find ways to get people to buy what you're selling. That's what puts steaks in the fridge. Anyway...I was about forty-five minutes into my presentation and this one guy gets up and goes to the bathroom. No big deal, right? I mean everyone's gotta go. Well, this guy comes back and he's got this big rock in his hand. I looked at the guy and I was a little nervous. What was he going to do with the rock?"

Kelly looked at her fingernails and wondered when this story was going to come to a close.

"Well, the guy walked right toward me. And I'm thinking maybe he's going to hit me in the head with it. He didn't, obviously. He just took this giant rock and threw it right on top of the projector. So much for the presentation, right?"

Uncle Sal chuckled.

Tad looked at him and said, "You think that's funny?"

Uncle Sal said, "Yeah, I think it's pretty amusing. After forty-five minutes of that, I can see why someone would put his boulder to the spiel."

This episode featured:

"Welcome" Matt Squier as Uncle Sal

Dick Pocoroba as Joe

Pam Flett as Kelly

Page Turner as Tad

and

Jellybean Merengue as the bottle cap.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in!"

Uncle Sal and the Spurned Squeeze (Episode 98)

Giacomo sat down across from Joe at the card table in the back room of Alice's house. Uncle Sal asked? "Where ya been? We been waiting for a fourth so we could play pinochle while the women are tending the grill."

Giacomo exhaled a big breath and said, "Yeah, well I was unavoidably detained. Just before we left, my good friend Leticia called. She was all hysterical and I couldn't get her off the phone. That reminds me." He removed his phone from his pocket and switched it off.

Uncle Sal took a macadamia nut that had fallen onto his Confederacy of Rotund Nightwatchmen bowling shirt, threw it into the air, and caught it in his mouth.

"Apparently, Leticia has been going out with two guys, Ted Oosterblaat and Digger Wise. Both of them called her today and told her that they wanted to break up. She tells me Ted is a real small guy. He's only five-feet-one and about a hundred and ten pounds. He broke up with her because he was intimidated by her size. Funny thing is, Leticia is not that big. She's maybe five-feet-seven. She's got a little junk in the trunk, but I'd say overall she's average size. You'd think he'd be used to dating women bigger than him. I mean, what are the odds he's going to find a woman smaller than he is?"

Uncle Sal took a sip of his Spud's and shuffled the cards.

"Then she goes on to tell me that Digger, he's a real outdoors sort of guy. He's always going hiking, or biking, or something like that. Always looking for a new thrill outdoors. He broke up with her because he said she takes too long to do her hair and makeup whenever they plan to go somewhere. He actually told her that he wants a woman that's lower maintenance. "

Uncle Sal looked at the hand he had dealt himself and said, "I see what you're saying. She's all bent outta shape because she's burly to Ted and girly to Wise."

This episode featured:

Hubie "Cornbread" Butters

Ichabod Imperioli as Joe

Cornelius Vanderlinden as Uncle Sal

and

Jellybean Merengue as the macadamia nut.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Martinis are for squares, man."

Uncle Sal and the Crass Comment (Episode 90)

Uncle Sal was reading a newspaper and sipping a Spud's when Hubie entered the Crow Bar and occupied his usual stool at the end of the bar. Uncle Sal brushed a pumpernickel mini-toast from his Detlef Schrempf jersey onto the floor and chuckled behind his newspaper.

Hubie asked, "Whatcha readin'?"

"The Glass Jaw."

"Someone writes a newspaper about second-rate boxers?"

"Yeah, it's pretty funny too."

Hubie took a handful of bar mix from the bowl and shoved it into his mouth. "Yeah? Gimme an example."

"Well, this guy Mitch Mitchum wrote a piece about this guy The Topeka Kid Jocko Nimphius. He says here 'Nimphius doesn't so much throw punches as he casts them, like an old man with crusts of bread at a pond.' He goes on to say that 'Nimphius has the footwork of a drunken newborn giraffe.'"

Uncle Sal chuckled and washed some more bar mix down with a gulp of Spud's. "But that ain't the best part." He leaned toward Hubie. "Look at this illustration Mitchum did of Nimphius. He's put Nimphius in a sundress and pillbox hat, and he's got a purse over the guy's forearm."

"Yeah, that's pretty good, but it ain't as good as what Rodney Rippington said about that boxing promoter Lucius Mephisto."

Uncle Sal furrowed his brow and said, "What who said about what?"

"Rodney Rippington. He writes for this this other boxing publication Three Rings."

After a sip of Spud's Uncle Sal said, "So, what did this Rppington say?"

Hubie looked at Kelly. Not wanting her to hear it, he leaned and whispered it to Uncle Sal. Sal's eyes went wide. "He said that?" Hubie nodded. Uncle Sal said, "Well, I gotta agree with ya. That is bolder than a Mitch's wit in The Glass Jaw."

This episode featured:

Cal Q. Layder as Uncle Sal

Matt Wress as Hubie

Eleanor Higbee as Kelly

and

Jellybean Merengue as the pumpernickel mini-toast.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hot diggity daffodil!"

Uncle Sal and the Financial Freakout (Episode 84)

Joe dealt the cards and said, "Boy, I tell ya. This economic situation is so scary. I wonder when it's all gonna end. I think we're all gonna die broke."

Uncle Sal adjusted the DRAFT BEER NOT STUDENTS button on his Seattle Pilots Gene Brabender jersey and said, "It ain't pretty, but then it ain't really worth thinkin' about too much."

"Whatta ya mean it ain't worth thinkin' about? Why, I know a guy Frode Schweddamaker, he's so paranoid about the whole thing. He's stopped investing in stocks. He's stopped using banks. He's so worried about the whole thing, he barely sleeps anymore."

"See, that's just what I mean. This friend of yours is all worked up about the economic situation. And what's it getting him but misery?"

"You don't even know the half of it. I was with him at a church rummage sale one time and he found this thing, looks like The Maltese Falcon. Only it ain't a falcon, it's a crow. Well, at first he was just using the thing for decoration. Then all this stuff started happening. Banks going under, stock market falling like a pair of lead boots. Well, he decided he was gonna withdraw all his money from the banks and the stock market, and put it inside this statue he got at the church rummage sale. Any time he needs some money, he goes to this statue, and takes what he needs. Course, he's the only one knows where it is, and he changes the location frequently."

Uncle Sal set his Spud's Beer back on the table and said, "Well, I can see why a fella might wanna do sump'n like that. I mean, ya never know when some financial institution is gonna go under. But I ain't so sure it's smart neither to have all your bucks in a crow."

This episode featured:
Manny Schevitz as Joe
Lance Boyles as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the DRAFT BEER NOT STUDENTS button.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face."

Uncle Sal and the Muddled Manuscript (Episode 71)

Uncle Sal entered John's place for the weekly pinochle game and went immediately to the fridge. He moved aside a turnip and took a cold Spud's beer for himself. As he moved toward the table, Joe said, "I didn't know you were a St. Louis Cardinals fan. And who's number eleven?"

"Who's number eleven? It's Jose Oquendo. First guy to play all nine positions in a single season."

Where ya been, Sal? You been real hard to get a hold of these last few weeks."

Uncle Sal popped a pistachio into his mouth and said, "I been workin' on a novel."

"You've been working on a novel?"

"It ain't so hard to believe, is it?"

"So what's it about?" Joe asked as he dealt the cards.

"Well, it's about Sasquatch. In my book, he's a private dick. I guess you could say it's a fairly typical private dick novel. There's a beautiful but dangerous broad, and alla that stuff. Just imagine if Philip Marlowe were really hairy. Only thing is, I kinda got bogged down by it. I mean, I started out with Sasquatch, a beautiful dame, a crime. But before I knew it, I had a whole mess of characters I didn't know what to do with. Professional wrestlers, shifty doctors, even a ballplayer. So, to be honest, I was kinda stuck. I had no idea what to do."

Sal sipped from his bottle of Spud's. "Then I started throwing a whole buncha stuff away. Just gettin' rid all kinda things in the story. Long story short, now I'm working on a new novel where Sasquatch is a professional wrestler."

"Sasquatch as a wrestler? Well, I wouldn't want to take him on, that's for sure. How's the new story coming along?"

"So far, so good. I just think I needed to move on from that quagmire I was working on before. Just goes to show you a botched plot never spoils."

This episode featured:
Fred Fizzlewick as Uncle Sal
Norberto "Nobby" Doerr as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the turnip.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice."

Uncle Sal and the Prospective Proprietor (Episode 62)

Uncle Sal set his pint of Spud's on the table and sat down across from Gavin Bjarnason, who had some tall blue drink in front of him. Uncle Sal set his asparagus-colored porkpie hat next to his pint. "Hey Gav. How ya been?"

"Never better. I just got engaged and I have an idea for a restaurant that I think is really good."

"That's a tough racket," Uncle Sal said. Lots of restaurants go under in the first year or two."

Gavin rotated his pinkie ring around his finger and waved his hand. "Yeah, I know all that. I have a great idea, though. It's unique. Plus, I'm not going to kick this off until I have everything in place. A lot of restaurants fail because the owner wants to do to much. I'm taking a Clint Eastwood approach. I know my limitations."

Gavin took a sip of his blue drink and Uncle Sal leaned forward. "So, you gonna tell me your great idea?"

After dabbing his mouth with his napkin, Gavin said, "It's a Mediterranean restaurant. We're going to serve things like fegato d'oca con fichi."

"The heck is that? Sounds like something caught in your throat."

"It's a dish with goose liver and figs. No restaurant in the area makes it."

"Nobody makes it because ain't nobody can pronounce it to order it."

Gavin laughed and said, "It's really good. Rich, but delicious. Here's the kicker, though. We're not going to use any plates. I mean, you have to set yourself apart, right? We're going to set ourselves apart by making dishes no one else makes and by not using plates." He sipped his drink again.

"No plates? The heck are you gonna serve food on? Pieces of plywood?"

"No, we're going to use big palm leaves."

Uncle Sal rubbed his chin, then took a sip of his pint. "Hmmm. Well, that certainly is setting you apart: serving a fig dish in a tall frond."

This episode featured:
Omar Ostergaard as Uncle Sal
Jesper Karklins as Gavin Bjarnason
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pinkie ring.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If you don't know where you're going, you might end up somewhere else."

Uncle Sal and the Dating Dilemma (Episode 59)

Uncle Sal hung his marigold porkpie hat on the rack by the door and joined his friends for his weekly pinochle game. He reached into the bowl of peanut butter pretzels on the table and waited as John shuffled the new deck of Mannix playing cards.

As John shuffled, Sal said, "I gotta call from Giacomo right before I left the house. He tells me he's got a problem. He's dating two different girls. I tell him we should all have such a problem. Turns out he does have kind of a dilemma on his hands."

John dealt the cards and Uncle Sal looked at his hand. "So this one girl, Angie Behr, she and her family are going out for the first day of duck season, and they invited Giacomo along. Great, right? Who don't love duck huntin'? Then this other girl Louella Pound, Giacomo tells me she's got a body like a gymnast. Anyway, the same day she invites him to come and play in her family's annual flag football game."

Uncle Sal popped a couple pretzels in his mouth and washed them down with a sip of Spud's Beer. "He's goin' on and on about what is he gonna do. Like he's the poorest guy in the world because two women want him to hang out with their families on the same day. I gotta tell ya, after a while, I stopped listening. I mean, some guys have enough time handling one girl at a time. I gotta give him points for havin' two on the hook."

John looked over his cards and said, "So, what's he gonna do about his unfortunate situation?"

"I dunno what he's gonna do. I reckon I'd try to do both if I could. If he's lucky, he'll gun with the Behrs and punt with the Pounds."

This episode featured
Tommy Barks as Uncle Sal
Major Cherry as John
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bowl of peanut butter pretzels.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line."

Uncle Sal and the Ad Wizard (Episode 9)

Uncle Sal opened the door whose window was painted with Heard Advertising Agency in bold red letters. He strolled to the office of Harrison Heard Jr. and poked his head inside.

"Harry, aren't you ready to go to lunch?"

Harry drummed his fingers on his desk blotter. "No, I'm not. Close the door. There's something I want to talk to you about."

As Uncle Sal walked to the door, he said, "Couldn't we talk over a nice pastrami on toasted rye? With a pickle on the side?"

"No, I don't want to talk about this at the deli."

Uncle Sal sat facing Harry and smoothed his avocado-colored robe.

"We went to the reading of my dad's will yesterday, and my dad bequeathed the business to Harvey. Do you believe that? I'm the one that's here twelve hours a day busting my hump. I'm the one that came up with that ad campaign for Spud's Beer. That one destroyed. It put them back on the map. I mean, let's face it. Most people had forgotten about Spud's before my ad campaign. And my dad wants to give the business to my twitchy, nervous brother? Have you seen the way his eyes are always darting back and forth?" Harry lowered his voice to a whisper, "I think he's on drugs."

"That's what you want to talk to me about? What for? What can I do about it?"

"Can't you talk to your lawyer friend?"

"Well, sure. I can talk to him whenever I want, but I don't see what good it'll do you."

Harry stared at the pen that served as a bridge between his two index fingers as Sal continued, "He can't go back in time and change your old man's will. Seems to me like the squirrelly Heard gets the firm."

This episode featured
Buck Naked as Uncle Sal
Santos Rodriquez as Harry Heard Jr.
and
Jellybean Merengue as the desk blotter

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I think you heard me just fine, Punchy."

[1 October 2007]

Uncle Sal's New 'Do (Episode 2)

Uncle Sal stepped into his favorite watering hole, The Crow Bar, and saw his favorite bartender putting away some glasses. She saw him and said, "Look who it is!"

He did a little two-step in the doorway and said, "Kelly, I feel like a hunnerd and twenny-two dollars."

"What on earth are you wearing? Did you just graduate?"

Uncle Sal smoothed his mauve robe, strolled to the bar and sat down on his favorite stool. "Never you mind what I'm wearing. Hows about pourin' me a nice cold Spud's and tellin' me whatcha been up to."

"Y'know, Sal, you're the only one drinks this Spud's anymore. I reckon you're the only reason we even bother keeping it on tap. Why don't you try sump'n else for a change?"

"I don't want nuttin else. I want a Spud's. It ain't done me wrong so far. Besides, it's the beer that made Coeur d'Alene famous."

Kelly turned and set the beer in front of Uncle Sal. "Well, you may feel like a hundred and twenty-two dollars, but you look like more'n that. You just come from Phil's?"

Uncle Sal ran his hand over his freshly cut hair and said, "Yeah, I come from Phil's all right. Only Phil wasn't there. He's on vacation somewhere and he left Geno in charge. Boy, lemme tell ya, I never seen Geno so worked up. I walked in and he was talkin' about how the Wombats just traded Harry Foofaraw. How could the Wombats trade away their best player for a sack of balls and a few used batting helmets, he says. And how could the team expect people to pay good money for a buncha no-talent humps? He went on and on, waving those scissors around like he was in a swordfight in one-a them old movies. The entire time I was in the chair, Geno was carryin' on about gettin' rid of Foofaraw. Then he said the same thing all Wombats fans say, that he ain't gonna support the team no more. To think that someone can get so worked up about some crummy baseball team."

As Uncle Sal took a sip of his beer, Kelly leaned forward and touched just above his right ear. "What happened here?"

"Oh, that's another thing. Phil, you know, he gives the best haircut in town. But today with Geno, I get a rave, a square cut and two nicks."

This episode featured:
Roscoe Hooper as Uncle Sal
Amanda Hugginkiss as Kelly
and
Jellybean Merengue as the barstool

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers!"

[14 August 2007]