Ask Uncle Sal: Reuben and the stains

Yeah, I know it's been a while since the last edition of Ask Uncle Sal. I had a little situation in Sioux City with a Mongolian go-go dancer, an accountant, a billiard ball, and two quarts of mescal. Now onto yer questions.

How much sauerkraut is too much on a reuben? Navigating the Sandwich Islands

I'd say this depends on yer personal taste, but ya really can have too much sauerkraut on a reuben. I can't say fer sure what measurement is too much, but the thing is ya don't want the kraut to overpower the corned beef. If ya take a bite of yer sammich and ya taste sauerkraut and not much else, then I'd say ya got too much on there. Now I'm in the mood fer a nice reuben. And ya know what goes great with a reuben. Well, I find a cajun martini goes pretty well with just about anything, but when I order one of these, I like to have a witbier with it. Mmmmmm reuben and witbier.

I'm thinking of building a deck. Do I stain it or leave it raw to go gray in the sun? Deck the (Chippewa) Falls

Look here, Deck. The important question is when are ya gonna have the first kegger on yer new deck? And I should hope I'm invited. Say, that reminds me. I was at a kegger on a deck Oconomowoc one time and there's this big fella name of Tiny Armbruster. Now, Tiny could drink, which ain't surprisin' for a guy musta weighed 300 pounds. What was surprisin' was that he wanted to do a keg stand. As ya might imagine, there wasn't a whole lot of people rushin' to hold him while he did his keg stand, but finally he talked some folks into it. There he is doing a keg stand. I tell ya, someone shoulda put a timer on it. He's doing the keg stand, then all of a sudden he just erupts with this big sneeze. Not only sprayed everyone nearby with beer, but he also fell. Of course, the people holdin' him all crashed to the deck too. Brand new deck and Tiny just splintered a coupla them boards. As for yer question, I say stain it. Lettin' it go gray might be good for black and white photos, but you wanna keep that deck tip-top, you should stain it.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Marmite and hallucinogens

Dear Uncle Sal: What will the Kiwis do when there's no more Marmite? Concerned in Kalkaska

Well now, I can see why this here would be a big deal in New Zealand. From what I gather, them Kiwis like to start their day with Marmite on toast. For them, losin' Marmite is like Americans runnin' outta peanut butter or sump'n like that. I don't think there's too much to worry about though, Concerned. Way I see it, with no more Marmite, Kiwis will get their vitamin B from other sources...like Lion Red, Speights, Monteith's, etc.

Dear Uncle Sal, are there any videos from the 80s that weren't made under the influence of hallucinogenics? Ozoned in Okoboji

Ozoned, I can't say I seen every video ever made in the 80s, but I see what yer gettin' at. A lot of them videos is pretty trippy and I have no doubt that a lot of the folks involved in makin' them videos was so high they needed a stepladder to scratch their respective backside. That bein' said, this video might not have been inspired by hallucinogenics, but I'm willin' to bet some chemicals were used in making it.

Ask Uncle Sal: Mitt and Without You

Yeah, I know it's been a while since the last edition. Nothin' I could do about it. I ran into a spot of trouble in Bozeman with a Filipina masseuse, three ping pong paddles, a Croatian gymnastics coach, and a barrel of moonshine.

Dear Uncle Sal: Who wrote the 1971 pop classic "Without You"? Musically Misinformed


Well MM, this here's a good question. Of course ya coulda consulted some kinda music encyclopedia for this one, but ya know I'll give ya a better answer than some ol' dusty book. Most people think Harry Nilsson wrote it and he is the one that made it famous. But I know for a fact this song was written by jug band Lynchpin Simmons and the Fishtails. How? Cuz I was there when the Lynchpin introduced the song for the first time. It was at The Yellow Brick Roadhouse in Bentonville, Arkansas, in October, 1968. Ol' Lynchpin stood up there with his cigar-box guitar and said, "This here's a song we just wrote. We ain't never played it in front of an audience before. It's called 'Without You'. We hope you gone like it." I'll tell ya what, MM. That version was a real hot number. Then Harry Nilsson come along and made it into a pop song. I ain't sayin' it's bad, but it sure ain't the foot-stomper it was the first time I heard it.

Is Jeb Bush's endorsement of Mitt Romney a good thing for either one of them? Scrutinizing Suffragist


Let's look at this, SS. One clown endorses another clown for a position that neither one is qualified to occupy. And I ain't just sayin' that about Bush and Romney. I reckon that applies to all politicians. Ya ask me, any endorsement from a politician ain't a good thing. Think about it this way. Would you want a politician's endorsement for anything? I wouldn't. I figger that'd be the kiss of death for whatever it is I'm tryin' to accomplish. Matter of fact, if I ever did receive an endorsement from a politician, I'd show up on his doorstep and demand that he retract it immediately if not sooner.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Uncle Knucklehead and the campaign bumper stickers

Hey Uncle Sal. I keep hearing this term “play on words” and “pun”. What does that mean? Why would you play on a book? What the heck is a pun? Uninformed 'Nucklehead Can't Locate Erudition

Boy, that's a heckofa handle ya got there, UNCLE. I wouldna thought you were capable of a word like erudition considering ya don't know what a pun is. Lemme ask ya sump'n UNCLE. Ya know there's things called dictionaries, right? In other words, all ya gotta do is crack open a book and you'll get an answer to yer question. The thing is, I could sit here and explain it to ya, but I get the feeling that'd be like explaining algebra to a tabby cat. But hey, I'm here to help. If you want examples of puns, pick up one of my books. Heck, I got three of 'em: A Gopher I Couldn't Defuse (that there's a pun), The Pickled Hand of Nate (that's another one), and Stocking on Levin's Floor (yup, that's one too). Ya can't figure out what a pun is after readin' those, well, then I imagine yer probably befuddled by things like doorknobs too.

In an election year, are bumper stickers wise? Campaign in the Neck (Hey UNCLE, didja catch that? That's another pun.)

Listen, Campaign. It's important to stand by yer convictions, but bumper stickers in an election year ain't at all wise. Why? Because every one of them candidates for office (yes, any office) is a clown. Plus, someone's bound to lose. Ya don't want to advertise that ya support both a clown and a loser (although is the winner of any election really a winner?). Now, bumper stickers is fine if they advertise yer favorite waterin' hole like The Crow Bar or your favorite ball team, but don't put some doofus politician's name on yer vehicle. I never have, never will.

Ask Uncle Sal: Pickled herring and picked-up chicks

Yeah, I know it's been a while since the last edition of Ask Uncle Sal. If yer wonderin' where I been, let's just say I ran into trouble in Laredo with a Honduran luchadora, a used car salesman, a mysterious suitcase, and a sandwich bag filled with what turned out to be a mixture of oregano and Chinook hops. Now, onto yer questions.

Hey Uncle Sal: It seems to me you got the wrong impression. I ain't gonna whack my ma. Her favorite snack is pickled herring. She eats it by the bushel, and I was trying to think of some way of sending it without offending the other passengers. Geez, I guess I shoulda mentioned that. Put Out in Pontchatouka, again

Hey Put Out, I reckon I did get the wrong impression. Except I didn't think you was gonna whack yer ma. I thought ya already done it. And yeah. I guess ya shoulda mentioned that. See, that there's what I mean when I say ya readers don't give me enough information. Now, as for the pickled herring, tell yer ma that's a fine choice. I reckon any little Igloo cooler will be enough to keep her herring fresh and keep the passengers away from the smell...at least until she props her head against the window and starts snorin' and exhaling the pickled herring scent for the entire bus to enjoy. Oh, and tell yer ma to pack a growler fulla Cajun martini cuz ain't nothin' goes with pickled herring like a Cajun martini.

Hey Uncle Sal: Ever since I started bringing home women I meet at clubs, my wife's in a bad mood. Any way to snap her out of it? Her constant banging on the bedroom door is really cramping my style. Annoyed in Apalachicola

Annoyed, the way I see it, there's a coupla reasons your wife might be in a bad mood and bangin' on the bedroom door.

• When you go in there with some chick you picked up at the club, she feels like she's missin' out on sump'n she don't wanna miss. You know, maybe she wants a piece of the action too.
• Another possibility is that she left her romance novel on the night table and she's bangin' on the door because she wants to do some readin' before she hits the hay.
• Or maybe, just maybe, she's standin' on the other side of the door with a cast-iron skillet waiting to whack you or your bar chick on the coconut with it.

I say that first possibility is reason enough to open the door the next time she starts bangin' on it while you're gettin' yer groove on. Just duck in case she's there for possibility #3.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Erection set?

Dear Uncle Sal: My wife's parents just e-mailed us asking if we think our son would like an erection set for his 8th birthday. How do we let them know this is wrong without hurting their feelings? Horrified in Homosassa

Hey Horrified, I gotta tell ya sump'n before I answer yer question. The combination of your topic and your hometown reminds me of the song "Homo Erectus" by Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys. Matter of fact, I thought about titling this column Homo Erectus, but thought that might give folks the wrong idea.
Now, onto yer question. Sometimes I feel like you readers don't give me enough information. For instance, do you only have the one son? Did you ask what's in this erection set? Maybe the erection set is a buncha little blue pills for you because your in-laws want another grandchild. Maybe they're plannin' to send a birthday gift for junior and include the erection set for you. As for hurtin' their feelings, I think they'll understand if ya tell 'em that yer bedroom problems are none of their concern.

Dear Uncle Sal:, I'm sending my ma on a trip to visit her sister out west. What's a good, sturdy brand of trash bag that'll keep in the stink and the fluids and ain't gonna rupture in transit? Put Out in Ponchatouka

Yer put out? Boy, I'll tell ya what. Times like these I wish I'd never said I'd answer any question ya can give me. Now, the thing is, this ain't my strong suit so I sent a message to a guy I know called Guido Scallopini and this here is what he wrote, "Look here. Trash bags is fine if you live in a trailer. But for a job like this one, what you really want is an ice chest. I mean one of the old kind that you can fasten shut. But if you are really fixed on trash bags (like some kinda cementhead), them Husky yard bags is pretty good."
There ya have it, Put Out, and all the rest of ya readers. Call it a cop-out if ya want, but you'll get an answer to your question on topics ranging from bags to fishes.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Dancing dogs and driveways

What do dancing meat products have to do with the day of the week? Redhot with Relish

Now, it would be easy to chalk this up as another thing cubicle farmers do to cheer themselves up. And it might well be. Some corporate drone mighta done that picture because Friday is the only thing he has to look forward to. (See a previous edition of Ask Uncle Sal about how much importance office cogs place on the day of the week.)
But let's think about this another way. Say you run a bar and your special on Fridays is hot dogs. Then that picture you submitted would be pretty appropriate, don'tcha think? So let's think of it as sump'n good like a bar special instead of sump'n as depressing as office life.

Dear Uncle Sal: Why do people park on driveways and drive on parkways? Bumfuzzled in Bemidji

These are the kinda questions that keep you up at night, Bumfuzzled? Since ya asked, I'll answer. That's the way this here column works.
To find the reason people drive on parkways, ya gotta go back a bit in history. Ya see, the first parkway was a road called Park Way in Ronkonkoma, New York. It was named for an amazing Korean table tennis player who moved there when he couldn't find no more opponents to play in his hometown in Korea. The guy won a national championship in table tennis (yeah, there is such a thing) after he moved to Ronkonkoma. As ya mighta guessed, parkway became a generic term for a road. Which leads us to the matter of parking on driveways. See, since a parkway became a generic term for a road, real estate agents couldn't say that a house had a parkway leading up to the garage. So some clever real estate agent figgered that if people drive on parkways, they might as well park on driveways.

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