Ask Uncle Sal: gator gumbo and zip ties

Well, folks, I gave you the opportunity to ask me anything and you responded. Without too much prelude, here is the first edition of Ask Uncle Sal with questions from real Salcoholics.

Uncle Sal, is Florida or Ohio State going to win the Gator Bowl? BB in Florida

Hmmm...I was thinkin' I might get some questions I could pontificate on, but since ya asked...I'd say the Gators. Sure, the Gators were 6-6, but at least they lost ta good teams. Just don't tell Schwind I picked against the Buckeyes.
Say, speakin' of gators...ya ever had gator gumbo? A plate o' that washed down with a coupla cajun martinis is pretty darn near ta heaven.

Uncle Sal, why do packaging engineers feel the need to involve so many plastic ties in child toy packages? BW in Michigan

This here's a good question, BW. Just so happens I was in a boardroom of a toy manufacturer when sump'n like this here came up. Them ties was added to the packaging of toys because too many toys was either bein' damaged in shipping or stolen from stores. The ties kept the toys from rattlin' around too much in shipping. And as you've noticed, it's a lot harder to get them toys outta the packages with all them ties holdin' 'em down.
The trouble is one of the bean counters in the company mentioned that buyin' all them ties drove up the cost.
Well, no CEO ever likes to think his money's bein' spent on sump'n like zip ties and you can imagine this caused quite a stir in the boardroom. I myself brought up the fact that customers is smart enough to figger out if you're selling them the same product at a greater cost. Long story short, the CEO tells the marketing guys, "You better put something on the packaging that tells customers the product is new and improved somehow because I cannot sell a tie."

Uncle Sal and the Foremen of Funk (Episode 209)

Uncle Sal opened the door and saw Giacomo and his new girlfriend Delphine. Giacomo carried a bag of wrapped gifts and wore sunglasses despite the gray and the clouds. Delphine wore a Christmas sweater that was at least two sizes to small and a pair of pants so tight he wondered how she had squeezed herself into them.

"Come on in. I made some eggnog that is high-octane stuff, I'll tell you. From the looks of you, you could use a little hair of the dog. What did you two do last night?"

Giacomo removed his sunglasses and set them on the counter right next to the whole nutmeg Uncle Sal had grated for the eggnog. He poured some into two glasses, handed one to Delphine. After a quick toast to Uncle Sal for hosting, he drank about half of the eggnog in his glass. "Wow! That is high-octane! We went to Rock around the Cocktails to see this band called The Dim Tree." Giacomo took a date pinwheel from the platter of cookies on the counter. "It's this really cool country funk band. They do a funky version of 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia' that would make George Clinton and Charlie Daniels proud."

Uncle Sal led them to the patio to check on the salmon he was smoking.

"I've seen this band a couple times and they've always been good. The band came onstage last night and there was this female singer on stage. I recognized her from some classes at college. Her name is Cher. She was wearing a cocktail dress, five-inch heels, and bright red lipstick. Nice-looking girl. And then she started singing. She was amazing. I mean, she must be about five-two and 110 pounds, but she's got this voice that can blow the roof off a place."

Giacomo took another big drink of the eggnog and continued. So the show was going really well. Everyone was having a good time. They could have played anything and people would have danced to it. The highlight for me was when they played this song called 'The Dock Kings,' a pro-labor song by this garage band called Smokin' Guavas. It's one of those songs you never expect to hear in a club because you figure no one has ever heard of it. I have a 45 of that song, and it was great to hear it played in a different style. I was the only one singing along with that one. So yeah, we had a night of dancing, good music, and quite possibly a little too much to drink."

"Sounds like it was all worth it, especially since The Dock Kings was sung by The Dim Tree with Cher."

This episode featured:
Ewell Log Jr. as Giacomo
Noelle Wreat as Delphine
Nicolas Della Santa as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the nutmeg.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Let's all go have some sponge cake and a little wine."

The Great Shoe Debate

I have learned a lot of things being married to a French woman for 11+ years. One of those things is how important fashion is to the French, even if they live in the countryside. You would think that if a person lives in a village with more cows than people, fashion might take a backseat. You would be unequivocally wrong. But this is not about fashion in general. This is about shoes. My mother- and father-in-law arrived from France last night and my wife informed me that my mother-in-law would like to buy me a pair of shoes because my wife has informed her that my collection of shoes is woefully inadequate. My response: "I don't need shoes. I have one pair of black, and one pair of brown." Their reaction: befuddled (to say the least). How can a person get by with only two pairs of shoes?
Now, I realize this phenomenon is not unique to French women. There are loads of women from loads of nationalities who think that having only two pairs of shoes is laughable. So how to account for this difference between women and men? Let's explore.
Defining need
Women "need" a different pair of shoes to go with these jeans, or that skirt, or a particular pair of slacks. Let's not forget that when the cold weather comes, women "need" boots. And of course in summer, women "need" sandals. And so it goes. Not only for each outfit, but for each outfit in every season. Men, on the other hand, are much more utilitarian. We have one pair of black shoes and one pair of brown shoes. ( I know this is going to induce horror in a lot of you women, but I'll tell you my dirty little secret. My brown shoes, I've had them for probably seven years. I bought them shortly after I got my current job and I still have them. They haven't worn out yet, so why would I need to get a new pair?) Why do men need only one pair of black shoes and one pair of brown shoes? I'm glad you asked.
Selection
OK, so men are much more utilitarian in their shoe selection. That's probably by nature, but there is also the matter of selection. If you walk into a place like Shoe Pavilion, three-quarters of the store is devoted to women's shoes, purses, etc. If you go into that quarter of the store reserved for men, what do you find? Brown and black. And maybe some cordovan. That's it. Women have all sorts of styles that I couldn't even begin to name if I tried. For men, it's brown or black, slip-on or laced. So why do we only need one of each? Because when we do that, we've pretty much run the gamut of what is available to us.
Storage
We all know how this works. In every house, the woman gets the bigger closet. Or she takes up more closet space. It's not a complaint. It's just the truth. My wife has more stuff than me, so it's only fitting that she get the bigger closet. That being said, how is a guy supposed to cram a dozen (or however many would be "acceptable") pairs of shoes into his small closet? Be honest, ladies. Even if you want your man to expand his shoe collection, you don't want it to expand into your closet space. Think about that. If we bought shoes like you ladies do, we might have to move our shoes into your closet. And that would mean war. So in the interest of maintaining peace, I contend that it actually behooves you ladies to have a man with a limited shoe selection.
Importance
This is not breaking news by any means, but shoes are important to chicks. A group of you ladies will take pictures of your shoes to share with your other friends. You will go shopping with one of your girlfriends and when you look at any pair of shoes, you will discuss what you can wear that pair of shoes with because your girlfriend knows your wardrobe as well as you do. (I know. I've heard it.) You notice the shoes of everyone at work and you know the other ladies in the office are critiquing your shoes. (You can admit it. You might feel better if you do.) Can I let you in on a little secret? The last time I noticed another dude's shoes was probably...never. I don't have to worry what that one dude from marketing thinks about my shoes because he probably didn't notice them. Yes, I know it's hard to believe. But it's true.
I doubt that I have baffled my wife (or any other woman, for that matter) for the last time (even about fashion). In any case, maybe (but probably not) this helps to clear up the great shoe debate for every lady that is befuddled by her man's distinct lack of shoes.

Hear me on The In Show with Gus Summers

I've got another interview lined up. Tune in to The In Show tomorrow (8 December) from 1 to 2 PM PST to hear an interview with yours truly about Uncle Sal, the universe, and everything.

Game of the Century, Part II

Am I surprised that the BCS championship game is a rematch of LSU-Alabama? No. I predicted this probably six to eight weeks ago. Appalled? No. The I am so used to the B(C)S that I don't think I have the capacity to be appalled or outraged by anything that happens with it. Am I going to watch? Ummmmm...no.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I could change my mind in the 12 weeks between now and the championship game? What's that? It's only five? Well, it will seem like 12 hearing all the ESPN talking heads blather on about the greatness of the SEC. I know what else you're thinking. you're thinking if I'm really a college football fan, I'll tune in. I do like college football, but I am not watching an all-SEC championship game. Why? For the same reason that I don't watch any SEC regular season games. I simply don't care enough about any SEC team to watch this game. I don't like or hate either team enough to tune in. I'm sure I'm not alone. I'm sure that championship game or not, a lot of people who don't follow SEC football won't bother to watch this game.
And who can blame us? These two teams met earlier this year in the game of the century. I didn't watch a minute of that game of the century, and didn't miss a thing. And let's face it, the sequel is never as good as the original. Here are a couple games that intrigue me more than the BCS championship.

Wisconsin v Oregon (Rose Bowl)

Oklahoma State v Stanford (Fiesta Bowl)

Ohio State v Florida (Gator Bowl)

Michigan State v Georgia (Outback Bowl)