Ask Uncle Sal has a new home...in Incognito Magazine

Hey all you Salcoholics out there. I just wanted to let you know that there is a new home for Ask Uncle Sal. You can now find my advice column in the pages of Incognito Music, Models, and More. Keep them questions comin'...even the really weird ones because all questions are fair game for this.

Ask Uncle Sal: Super-size edition

Dear Uncle Sal, I saw this sign the other day. What on earth does it mean? Watch out for tandem hula hoop people? Puzzled in Plattsburgh

Puzzled, that's a pretty good guess. From what I unnerstand, Medford, Oregon, once had a problem with tandem hula hoopers gettin' hit by oncoming traffic. But this sign is sump'n else entirely. I happen to know that this sign originated in Lexington, Kentucky. In case ya didn't know, Lexington was named the fattest city in the US last year. While this sign looks like it's warning you to beware of tandem hula hoopers, it really means look out for people that are so big, they have other people orbiting around 'em. I'd say that's a pretty good warning.

Dear Uncle Sal: The other day I seen this woman at the park riding one of them 'lectric moving chairs. Her legs was splayed outward (cuz o her fat apron which hung down about midcalf), and her body looked like a giant soft serve cone with a cherry on top for a head. When you yourself sees something like that, what do you do to git the image out o your head? Booze aint workin. Reelin' in Rehoboth

Reelin' lemme guess, this woman was wearin' a floral-print muumuu. Silly question, I know. Course she was wearin' a muumuu cuz she can't fit in nothin' else. Anywho, I ain't sayin' I personally do this when I need to get an image outta my head. Booze usually works for me. Here's what I'm gonna recommend to you to get the image of that woman outta yer coconut. Ready for this? Think about yer friends. Now think about yer least attractive friend. Prolly some big hairy guy. Now imagine that guy wearin' nothin' but suntan oil and a Speedo, sittin' by the pool eatin' a chocolate and hot dog sundae with extra mayo and makin' time with yer girl. I reckon that'll get the image of that Lark rider right outta that head o' yers.

Ask Uncle Sal: motor oil and housewives

I don't want to give anyone ideas with the title of this one. I ain't proposin' some sort of new sexual warmup. Those just happen to be the two topics covered in this edition.

Holy crap, Uncle Sal! I wasn't talking about my woman. Sheila is my motorbike. I just wanted to know a good motor oil. What gave you the idea I was talking about a woman? Yearning in Yakutat

Yearning, ya mighta told me before that Sheila was a motorbike. Ya think I like researchin' lubes? Never mind that! Ya know how many showers I had to take after asking Sven Hungus to answer yer question. that guy has more robes than any one guy has a right to. And I never seen so many oils outside a Philippine massage parlor (I tell ya, if ya ever get the chance, try one of them out...best massage you'll ever have.) And what gave me the idea Sheila is a woman? Ya called her Sheila. That's a chick's name, ya doofus! Plus, all that stuff in yer letter gave me no reason to suspect ya were talkin' about a bike. Now ya got me all worked up. Hang on.
OK, a belt of whiskey is just what I needed there. Now, onto yer question. Ya want a good oil for Sheila? Try AMSOIL Synthetic. I reckon it's as good an oil as ya can find for Sheila.

Uncle Sal, what is the deal with all these Real Housewives shows? I swear my girl was just watching The Real Housewives of Las Cruces. Reality (TV) Bites

Imagine a little person on this.

I gotta be honest with ya, Reality. I have no idea what is so charming about these shows. Seems like every one of 'em (and I ain't seen more'n a minute of any one) is about six women who are supposedly friends but snipe at each other alla time. From what I seen, ya can almost hear these chicks getting coached on the "real" set of the show. I can't even imagine why people find this entertaining. Me, I'd rather go to sump'n like an event I once saw in Casper, Wyoming, where a midget...ermm...little person jumped a pocket rocket motorcycle over four Buick Centurys through a flaming hoop and into a pool filled with whipped cream. But maybe that's just me. Apparently, a lot more folks is entertained by a bunch of women cussin' at each other than little people on little bikes. I got no explanation for it, but like they said in Raising Arizona:
"It's a crazy world."
"Someone oughta sell tickets."
Tell ya what, if someone does sell tickets, I want the beer concession.

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Ask Uncle Sal: lubricants and Cup contenders

Yeah, I know. It's been a couple weeks since the last edition of Ask Uncle Sal. I ran into a little predicament in Santa Fe with a professional billiards player, a Korean sous chef, two bottles of absinthe, and three bungee cords.

Dear Uncle Sal: I'm looking for a good lubricant for my Sheila. She just came into my life, and it's rough-going getting her revved up, if you know what I mean, because of her age. I like to take that long, slow ride, but it's no fun feeling all that roughness under me as I'm trying to start her up. Can you help me out? Yearning in Yakutat

Hmmm...well it seems like I have unwittingly insinuated myself into someone's boudoir. I can't say that's the most comfortable position for me, but I'm here to answer your questions. Or at least someone is. See, I would prolly just advise you to find someone younger than this Sheila. But I guess if yer Australian, I would just say find a younger Sheila. First, I think you'll find she won't need as much revving up, especially if she's in her early 20s. Second, I think that with a younger Sheila, you can take as long and slow a ride as you want and she ain't gonna complain, if ya know what I mean. As for the roughness. Well, some Sheilas like that sorta thing. Anyway, I called on self-proclaimed sexologist Sven Hungus to answer your questions about lube.
Yearning, I admire your frankness in looking for lubes. I must say, I have tried them all and the best thing I can tell you is to use one that's water-based. My personal favorite is Maximus. It's never let me down and I've used it plenty. Now some guys find they just can't buy lube when they make that trip to the adult fun store. If that's the case with you, then I'm with Uncle Sal. Find a younger Sheila.

Dear Uncle Sal, can the Kings win the Stanley Cup this year? Hrudey Can't Fail

Sure the Kings can win the Stanley Cup this year. And tap water might start tastin' like a fine Islay Scotch. I'll tell ya one thing for sure. If the Kings do win the Cup this year, the population of LA will decrease. No, not because of riots, but because those fans that always say, "I can die happy if the Kings win the Cup" will. Die, that is. All three of 'em.

Ask Uncle Sal: Hairdos and hammocks

Dear Uncle Sal, what is the deal with women and the hair salon? My wife goes every other month. She spends $150 and two hours at the salon, then she's pissed at me because I didn't notice that she had 1/8 of an inch trimmed from the ends of her hair. Inconsiderate Idjit

Ah yes, the hair issue. I tell ya, Inconsiderate, if I had a buck for every time a broad got mad at me for the hair issue, I'd prolly be retired on some Pacific island. The thing is, ya wanna think that women are being hornswoggled in this whole thing. Why pay $150 fer a haircut that ain't even noticeable? Well, there's a few things at work here.

• First off, no guy ('cept maybe a politician, and who wants to hold them up as an example of anything) would pay that much for a haircut. And why? Because we don't feel the need to put guilt trips on our women. Heck, ya can tell her until yer blue in the face that ya feel unappreciated. All she's gonna hear is BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. So obviously this hustle ain't gonna work if it's men paying that much fer a haircut. 
• Now, that tells me that the hairdressers are in on the flimflam. After all, them lady hairdressers gotta get their hair cut too. 
• So the question is why this conspiracy? Well, that $150 yer wife spends is worth it a) for the guilt she can heap on ya and b) for the makeup gifts she can get outta ya. 

Either that, or yer wife ain't really goin' to the hair salon at all.

Dear Uncle Sal: looking forward to hitting the beaches this summer. What's going to be popular for wearing, or should I just stick to my go-to pink satin banana hammock? Can't Wait in Calabash

I don't wanna see nothin' like this.

Well, Can't Wait, after I read your question, I took three hot showers where I used steel wool for a washcloth. Unfortunately, I still didn't feel any better afterward. Now listen. I ain't one to judge what someone wears. Ya can wear whatever ya want. After all, yer an adult (I'm assumin') and ya don't need any permission from me about what ya should wear. I'll just say two things about the banana hammock. First, I hope you and I ain't hangin' out at the same beach because that sure ain't sump'n I wanna see. Second, I can't imagine any time or place ('cept maybe somewhere in Europe) where a pink satin banana hammock would be acceptable beachwear. I can't say for certain what'll be popular for wearin'. I ain't no fashion expert. All I can say is, how about a nice pair of boardshorts, buddy? They even got 'em in floral designs if ya want.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal?
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7 x 7 link award

Well, yours truly has been mentioned by the good folks at 3 Guys 1 Movie in their 7 x 7 link award post. OK, so it was actually my Examiner profile that was mentioned in that post. However, when I write for Examiner (one of my many outlets), I write strictly about music. So, let's get right to it...doing it strictly by the book. And if you know me even a little you know that strictly by the book is not the way I ordinarily do things.

1. Tell everyone something that no one else knows about you. Ummm, there are probably loads of things that people don't know about me. But here goes: I am relentlessly prompt. Or I was before I had my two kids.
2. Link to one of the posts that best fits the following categories: most beautiful, most helpful, most popular, most controversial, most surprisingly successful piece, most underrated piece, most pride-worthy piece.
3. Pass this on to seven other blogs.

• Most beautiful - Well, personally I think it was a thing of beauty when I was able to twist the words of "Me and Bobby McGee" into the clincher for Episode 126 of the Uncle Sal Chronicles.
• Most helpful - This would have to be the edition of Ask Uncle Sal entitled Erection Set.
• Most popular and most controversial - Not everyone agreed with it, but my Examiner story "Thanks for Nothing, Morrissey" got quite a lot of reaction. That, and my piece about Utah County Swillers.
• Most surprisingly successful piece - My recent piece about the Poxy Boggards St. Paddy's Day show did amazingly well.
• Most underrated piece - Jeez, I have no idea.
• Most pride-worthy piece - This has to be Episode 100 of the Uncle Sal Chronicles, not only because it was a big milestone, but also because it was the only time any episode included more than one clincher (it has three).

Passing it on to seven other blogs

• Paddy Rock - It is what you would expect from the name: a site (complete with podcast) dedicated to Celtic punk. Lots of good show reviews, CD reviews, and bands you should get to know.
• Bob Whitehand's World of Music - Very thorough pieces on music artists new and old.
• Voodoo Funk - This guy has the market cornered on west African funk.
• Meeting Boy - This guy has some pretty acerbic observations about office life.
• This is probably pretty unexpected, but fyeahtattoos on Tumblr shows lots of cool photos of tattoos.
• New Dad in Training - He runs half-marathons, he has a newborn at home, and he's a big Buckeyes fan.
• If you've ever read Uncle Sal, you know I have a thing for wordplay. So does the person behind Wordplay Wonderland.

Ask Uncle Sal: Football and flat bottoms

Yeah, yeah. I know it's been a while since the last installment. I got myself into a tight spot in Carbondale with an illusionist, his busty redheaded assistant, a jar of marshmallow creme and a tube of super glue. Now onto yer questions.

Do you think Urban Meyer will use any unfair recruiting practices at Ohio State? Wants Trustworthy Footballmen


Well WTF, I don't wanna cast any aspersions on anyone, but I reckon he prolly will. Heck, he comes from the SEC and ain't no conference uses unfair recruiting practices more than the SEC. But hey, last I checked this was college ball, not elementary school where everythin' needs to be fair. And also the last I checked Urban Meyer wasn't hired to run a group of choirboys. He's there to win football games and national championships. Way I see it, if yer gonna do that, yer prolly gonna step on some toes.
Say, that reminds me of when I played tight end and linebacker for ol' Cotton U. Our rival was the Fightin' Catfish of Gantry University. Now, when I played, Gantry had this big ugly (I tell ya, this guy coulda been the inspiration for one of Keith Jackson's favorite terms) defensive end name of Ugly Stick Foster. (I'm sure that ain't the name his mama give him, but that's how we called him.) And ya know what was his best pass rushin' technique? Soon as the ball was snapped, he'd move in and stomp on yer foot with them big ol' size 17 cleats. Then while yer howlin' in pain, he'd just push ya over and run at the quarterback. But I tell ya, one time on the receivin' end of that and ya modify your own technique. Next time I saw him raising that big ol' hoof to stomp me, I got both hands under his arms and yanked his armpit hair. Ya wanna see a big slobberin' bull stop in his tracks, try that.
Anyway, like I was sayin'...it's football. Fairness has got nothin' to do with it.

My friend and I go fishing every weekend. He's got a round-bottom boat and I've got a flat bottom. He says his is better cuz of the shape. I say fish don't care. Who's right? Flat-bottom girl


FBG, I hope you didn't make a wager with your friend about who I say is right because the answer is you both are. You're right that the fish don't care. Yer yanking 'em outta their home and throwin' 'em into a boat so I reckon they don't really care what shape is the boat yer puttin' 'em into. Yer friend is right too though because no guy likes to see a woman with a flat bottom.

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