Uncle Sal and the Crass Comment (Episode 90)

Uncle Sal was reading a newspaper and sipping a Spud's when Hubie entered the Crow Bar and occupied his usual stool at the end of the bar. Uncle Sal brushed a pumpernickel mini-toast from his Detlef Schrempf jersey onto the floor and chuckled behind his newspaper.

Hubie asked, "Whatcha readin'?"

"The Glass Jaw."

"Someone writes a newspaper about second-rate boxers?"

"Yeah, it's pretty funny too."

Hubie took a handful of bar mix from the bowl and shoved it into his mouth. "Yeah? Gimme an example."

"Well, this guy Mitch Mitchum wrote a piece about this guy The Topeka Kid Jocko Nimphius. He says here 'Nimphius doesn't so much throw punches as he casts them, like an old man with crusts of bread at a pond.' He goes on to say that 'Nimphius has the footwork of a drunken newborn giraffe.'"

Uncle Sal chuckled and washed some more bar mix down with a gulp of Spud's. "But that ain't the best part." He leaned toward Hubie. "Look at this illustration Mitchum did of Nimphius. He's put Nimphius in a sundress and pillbox hat, and he's got a purse over the guy's forearm."

"Yeah, that's pretty good, but it ain't as good as what Rodney Rippington said about that boxing promoter Lucius Mephisto."

Uncle Sal furrowed his brow and said, "What who said about what?"

"Rodney Rippington. He writes for this this other boxing publication Three Rings."

After a sip of Spud's Uncle Sal said, "So, what did this Rppington say?"

Hubie looked at Kelly. Not wanting her to hear it, he leaned and whispered it to Uncle Sal. Sal's eyes went wide. "He said that?" Hubie nodded. Uncle Sal said, "Well, I gotta agree with ya. That is bolder than a Mitch's wit in The Glass Jaw."

This episode featured:

Cal Q. Layder as Uncle Sal

Matt Wress as Hubie

Eleanor Higbee as Kelly

and

Jellybean Merengue as the pumpernickel mini-toast.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hot diggity daffodil!"

Uncle Sal and the Peculiar Pilot (Episode 89)

Giacomo and Uncle Sal exited the Hale Theater and headed toward the Dodge Dart. Giacomo asked, "What did you think of The Dragon that Saved Susquehanna?" 

Uncle Sal brushed a gummy bear from his Houston Colt .45s Jerry Grote jersey and said, "I'll tell ya one thing. It's good we didn't have the ladies with us. They woulda hated it. But I liked it pretty well."

"Me too. It sort of reminded me of my friend Nate Hofbrauer. He's a writer and he came up with this television pilot. It was your pretty typical detective show. Average Joe solves crimes with the help of a really hot woman. It seemed like a good idea. It's just that there have been so many detective shows, he wasn't really setting himself apart. Anyway, he gets a meeting with some television network executive named Lamar Glasscock. This meeting starts to go bad quickly. Nate made a comment about fishing only to find out that this executive is a big fisherman. And then he made an offhand comment about Glasscock's tie, which Glasscock's wife had bought for him."

Uncle Sal pulled on the 8-ball gearshift and headed toward Amelia's, where he and Giacomo planned to meet Alice and Giacomo's new girlfriend Lucia.

"So Nate, he's sweating and he hasn't even gone into the treatment of his pilot. He starts telling the excutive about his pilot, but then he realizes the guy is completely disinterested. So Nate just starts winging it. Instead of pitching his actual pilot, he starts telling the guy that the show is about a dragon bartender who solves crimes. All of a sudden, he's got Glasscock's interest. There have been lots of detective shows, but none with a dragon. They're putting together the pilot episode now."

Uncle Sal turned the steering wheel and said, "Whatta ya know about that? Just goes to show ya what can happen when ya pitch your dragon to Lamar."

This episode featured:

Earl E. Reiser as Uncle Sal

Mel Iffluous as Giacomo

and

Jellybean Merengue as the gummy bear.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It used to be whatever it was." 

Uncle Sal and the Forgotten Films (Episode 88)

Giacomo drove his Plymouth Valiant down Maple and when he came to the intersection at Vanden Heuven, he said to Uncle Sal, "Look at that. The Hale Theater is almost finished."

Uncle Sal picked a hair off of his powder blue Texas Rangers Kurt Bevacqua jersey and said, "The Hale Theater? What's that?"

Giacomo looked at his uncle and said, "Haven't you been reading about it in the paper? They've done several stories about it."

Uncle Sal poked the dashboard hula girl to get her dancing a little bit. "No, I ain't read it in the paper. That's why I'm askin' ya what it is."

"I'm sure you'll love it. The owner..."

"Let me guess. His name is Hale."

"Actually, no. He named it after Alan Hale, the skipper from Gilligan's Island. Anyway, the owner of the place is a big fan of bad movies. Monster movies, alien movies, horror movies where the corpses move. He loves all of that stuff. So, he figured the best thing to do was to make a theater specifically for people like him."

"I love all them monster movies. Hollywood can keep their car chases and explosions. Give me flying sharks from outer space anytime. 

"Exactly. Plus, he's going to have double features. And he's going to charge less than all the other theaters in town. You'll be able to get two movies for less than you'd pay for a single current Hollywood movie."

"Prolly be more entertained than if ya went to watch one of them mainstream films."

"And get this." Giacomo continued. "I've heard the first double feature there is going to be Plan 9 from Outer Space and Gamera versus Zigra."

Uncle Sal whistled. "Boy, that's a heckuvan idea. You can go anywhere in town for a slick mainstream picture, but the dreck's in the Hale."

This episode featured:

Zeno "King" Khan as Giacomo

Merle Oh as Uncle Sal

and

Jellybean Merengue as the dashboard hula girl.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it." 

Uncle Sal and the Finnish Farce (Episode 87)

Uncle Sal entered the Java Man coffee shop and saw Giacomo looking at his laptop. He watched a few moments of whatever Giacomo was watching before he said, "What is this?"

Giacomo paused the video and turned to look at Uncle Sal. He was about to start explaining what he was watching when he noticed the orange jersey Uncle Sal wore. "I like the old school Buccaneers jersey. Who's number eighty-eight?"

"Jimmie Giles. Tight end. So what is this you're watching?"

"It's this hilarious show from Finland. It's kind of a parody of news and politics."

"But with robots."

"Yeah. Kind of like Les Guignols in France does with puppets. The robots do all these sketches of current events in news and politics. This friend of mine, Sweaty Scott, he introduced me to it a couple weeks ago. And you could only find a few episodes here and there."

Giacomo sipped his cappuccino from the Baldknobbers cup and a little foam clung to his upper lip. "But now it's everywhere. You see one of the robots is basically the Finnish version of all these stupid, rich American girls that are famous for being famous. They don't do anything, but everyone knows who they are. Well, this girl" he pointed to the screen. "Is just like that. She was kind of famous because her dad is rich and rumor has it that he bought her a spot on the show once it started to take off in Finland. She recently had a run-in with a cop in Espoo. She was pulled over for speeding. And she didn't just give the cop the 'Do you know who I am?' treatment. She grabbed his tie, pulled it through the open window and then closed the window. She told the cop he could either let her go or start running when she got the car moving again."

"And now the show is more popular than ever because of the brat on the 'bot Finn spoof."

This episode featured:

Benny Hilson as Uncle Sal

Earl Borg as Giacomo

and 

Jellybean Merengue as the laptop.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I ain't afraid of no ghost."