Uncle Sal and the Crass Comment (Episode 90)

Uncle Sal was reading a newspaper and sipping a Spud's when Hubie entered the Crow Bar and occupied his usual stool at the end of the bar. Uncle Sal brushed a pumpernickel mini-toast from his Detlef Schrempf jersey onto the floor and chuckled behind his newspaper.

Hubie asked, "Whatcha readin'?"

"The Glass Jaw."

"Someone writes a newspaper about second-rate boxers?"

"Yeah, it's pretty funny too."

Hubie took a handful of bar mix from the bowl and shoved it into his mouth. "Yeah? Gimme an example."

"Well, this guy Mitch Mitchum wrote a piece about this guy The Topeka Kid Jocko Nimphius. He says here 'Nimphius doesn't so much throw punches as he casts them, like an old man with crusts of bread at a pond.' He goes on to say that 'Nimphius has the footwork of a drunken newborn giraffe.'"

Uncle Sal chuckled and washed some more bar mix down with a gulp of Spud's. "But that ain't the best part." He leaned toward Hubie. "Look at this illustration Mitchum did of Nimphius. He's put Nimphius in a sundress and pillbox hat, and he's got a purse over the guy's forearm."

"Yeah, that's pretty good, but it ain't as good as what Rodney Rippington said about that boxing promoter Lucius Mephisto."

Uncle Sal furrowed his brow and said, "What who said about what?"

"Rodney Rippington. He writes for this this other boxing publication Three Rings."

After a sip of Spud's Uncle Sal said, "So, what did this Rppington say?"

Hubie looked at Kelly. Not wanting her to hear it, he leaned and whispered it to Uncle Sal. Sal's eyes went wide. "He said that?" Hubie nodded. Uncle Sal said, "Well, I gotta agree with ya. That is bolder than a Mitch's wit in The Glass Jaw."

This episode featured:

Cal Q. Layder as Uncle Sal

Matt Wress as Hubie

Eleanor Higbee as Kelly

and

Jellybean Merengue as the pumpernickel mini-toast.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hot diggity daffodil!"

Uncle Sal and the Bizarre Bout (Episode 46)

Uncle Sal took his seat between Giacomo and Alice at the old Civic Arena for the evening's boxing match between Frankie "Thunder" Bolton and Tony Toluca. He placed his saffron stovepipe hat on his lap and opened his program. "Boy, I tell ya, Giacomo. This is gonna be one great bout. I'm glad you were able to get some tickets to this."

Alice held out her bag of popcorn and Uncle Sal took a handful. With a mouthful of popcorn, he said, "I ever tell ya about the craziest fight I ever saw?"

"You mean the one where your friend fought an orangutan in a bar?"

"No, not that one. I mean the craziest fight I ever saw between two humans. There was this guy PT Unterberg. He told everyone that the PT stood for Paul Thompson, after his granddad. Well, that didn't matter to us. As far as we knew, PT stood for Pretty Tall. he was prolly six-foot-ten and about three hunnerd and fifteen pounds. Ain't nobody wanted to mess with ol' PT, I can tell ya that. 'Cept for this one fella, and he was probably the least likely person you could imagine would want to mess with PT. This fella stood about five-foot-nothin'." Uncle Sal sipped his beer from the plastic cup. "Well at this bar, PT sees this fella and starts throwing peanuts at him. The little fella gets up, goes across the room, and he's got busted peanut shells in his hair. PT even landed one in the guy's shirt pocket. Well now, this fella stands in front of PT and says, 'You've been throwing peanuts at me, and let me tell you I ain't happy.'"

Uncle Sal took another handful of popcorn and washed it down with another swallow of beer. "I tell ya, I still don't believe what happened next. PT leaned way down, patted the little fella on the head and said, 'Which one are ya then?' Little fella gets so upset, he just bites PT's forearm. I don't hafta tell ya PT wasn't gonna stand for that. He just made a fist and conked that little fella on top of the ol' coconut and that guy just fell straight back onto the floor, out cold. That little guy, he only proved what the rest of us already knew: You can't bite Pretty Tall."

This episode featured:
Neil B. Formy as Uncle Sal
Grover Beard as Giacomo
Mollie Gee as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bag of popcorn.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I used to be with it, but now what I'm with isn't it."

[21 June 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Championship Bout (Episode 12)

Uncle Sal entered the Crow Bar and was greeted by one of the regulars, Hubie, who always sat in the same stool at the end of the bar. "Sal, did you watch the match?"

"What match?"

"The boxing match. You know, Songstad versus Birdsong. The Swedish Swashbuckler lost in a split decision against the Fostoria Flash."

Uncle Sal picked up his pint glass from the bar and felt a cold drop of condensation fall onto the leg of his lime green leisure suit. "More like the Swedish Meatball and the Fostoria Flop."

"Whatta ya mean? You didn't think it was a good fight?"

"Of course not. It was the worst thing I ever saw. Those two tomato cans, all they did was dance around and clutch each other the entire time. And when they did throw a punch, they were nowhere near hitting the other guy. Those dang palookas, they couldn't hit water if they fell out of a boat. How they get off charging fifty bucks to watch something like that on television, I'll never know. Both of those boxers are an embarrassment to the sport. And it ain't easy to embarrass boxing."

"They're already talking about a rematch. I'm telling ya, I can't wait for that."

"I can. If there is a rematch, ain't no way I'm watching it. I already seen that mess and I know two songs don't make a fight."

This episode featured:
Phil Rupp as Uncle Sal
Tommy Plummer as Hubie
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pint glass

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "No, I wouldn't like fries with that."

[23 October 2007]