Uncle Sal and the Collared Connoisseur (Episode 95)

Inside A Cool Dry Place jazz club. Honeydew McMillan was on stage, setting out a plate of the fruit for which she was named. Uncle sal took a piece, ate it, then wiped his hands on his League of Fearsome Facial Hair bowling shirt before joining Joe at the bar.

"Say Joe, did you hear about the latest sting by the police?"

"No. What happened?"

"Well, it seems they were after this guy Rollie Hitchens as bein' some kinda organized crime figure."

The bartender came to the end of the bar and Uncle Sal ordered a shot of rye and a Spud's.

"I mean, they suspected this guy of all sorts of criminal behavior. They had all sorts of circumstantial evidence that suggested he was into gamblin', protection schemes, the whole nine." Uncle Sal took the shot of rye and felt the warmth spread through his chest as the flavor lingered on his tongue. "So they bug his place. Well, they hadda know that if the guy was really in organized crime, he wouldn't be stupid enough to say anything incriminatin' in his house or place of bidness. So that went bust."

On stage, Honeydew McMillan sang the first line of "Jelly Don't Shake Like That," and Uncle Sal continued. "But then the cops got a tip, right. Turns out there was a shipment of pinot noir coming in somewhere and Hitchens was planning to hijack the whole thing. Not just a case, or anything like that. They got this tip that the guy was going to hijack the entire shipment from the docks. So the cops set up a sting and they nabbed this guy trying to take the entire shipment of wine onto a truck. Here's the kicker though. He said he wasn't planning to sell it. He was gonna keep it for his own personal enjoyment."

Joe sipped his Moscow Mule and said, "You don't mean..."

"That's right. The cops were able to nab this guy because a Hitch in crime craves wine."

This episode featured:

Willie "Fathead" McConkey as Uncle Sal

Steven "Stinkeye" Gruffman as Joe

Wanda Blossom as Honeydew McMillan

and

Jellybean Merengue as the plate of honeydew.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It's fourth and fifteen and you're facing a full-court press."

Uncle Sal and the Stressed Supervisor (Episode 94)

Uncle Sal sat down across from his former co-worker Al Duvall in Stu's House of Stew and brushed some lint off of his Fraternal Order of Rodent Keepers bowling shirt. Al had already torn a napkin to shreds.

Uncle Sal asked, "What's the matter, Al? You look a little stressed."

"I am a little stressed. I have these two employees, Drew Joostens and Drew MacTavish. MacTavish seems OK. Real team player. I mean, I use a lot of sports metaphors in our meetings. In fact, Kensington likes it so well that he's always bringing me more metaphors to use. He says it makes him feel more like a sports anchor than a salesman."

Uncle Sal removed an ice cube from his Carhenge glass and hoped a waitress would come by soon so he could have something to drink besides water. 

"Joostens on the other hand, is a little uptight in general. But then today after our meeting, he stayed behind. He said he'd had it with my sports metaphors. Told me he doesn't care at all about sports so when I say something like 'It's a grand slam,' it just annoys him. You'd think he might be able to just tune them out, but I guess they really make him angry. Who knows why? Anyway, after our meeting today, he told me that if I don't stop using the sports metaphors, he's going to human resources to tell them that I harass all the women. At that point, it's his word against mine."

"But it ain't true, right?"

"No of course, it's not true. But what if it comes to that and they believe him instead of me?"

"Hold on, hold on. Ya ain't gotta worry about human resources. Ya just gotta stop with the sports metaphors. I mean, the one guy likes 'em but it's grating for the other Drew, Duvall."

This episode featured:

Reed Caves as Uncle Sal

Buck Diggler as Al Duvall

and

Jellybean Merengue as the ice cube.  

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak."

Uncle Sal and the Swamped Security (Episode 93)

Alice poured more coffee into Uncle Sal's Grateful Ed mug. Uncle Sal saw a drop of coffee splash onto his Brotherhood of Purple Onion Eaters bowling shirt and wiped it off.  Alice said, "Did you see that story in the paper about the singer Iggy 'The Brick' Wahl?"

Uncle Sal shook his head.

"Well, you know that Iggy is quite popular, especially with the ladies. They scream when they see him and they throw their bras on the stage for him. In fact, I think most women would do just about anything just to be near him. He's kind of like The Beatles that way. And I can see why. He is quite a handsome man."

Uncle Sal poured some Irish cream into his coffee and stirred it.

"The only problem is that he has this big German bodyguard named Dieter Fenstermacher. He was a bodybuilding champion some years ago, and he won't let anyone near Iggy unless Iggy OKs her. Apparently, there was a bit of a riot at Iggy's last show. Seems a group of women had a plan. If individually they wouldn't be able to get close to the singer, then maybe as a group they'd have more success. So when the tour bus stopped, of course Dieter got out first. Immediately this group of women swarmed him and while the German was on the ground, they rushed to be close to Iggy. Police asked them afterward why they had done something so dangerous, and you know what one of the women said? She said she just wanted to say hello to Iggy. That's it. Just to say hello."

Uncle Sal sipped his coffee and said, "Pretty smart, I guess...mobbing Dieter to 'Hey' Wahl."

This episode featured:

Mindy Fresch as Alice

Klaus Vanduro as Uncle Sal

and 

Jellybean Merengue as the Grateful Ed mug.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "You can't believe everything that you breathe."

Uncle Sal and the Shortsighted Sting (Episode 92)

Uncle Sal turned over a prawn on the grill and saw a drop of grease fall onto his turquoise bowling shirt with the name Umberto stitched on it. As he took a sip of his Spud's beer, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see his pinochle partner Joe.

"Hey Sal! This is quite a shindig Alice has going. We may not be mothers, but we sure can enjoy a Mother's Day barbecue. Too bad the women don't want to come out and enjoy the day instead of staying inside and playing mah-jongg."

Uncle Sal said, "It's their day. I guess they can spend it how they want. Besides, if they're inside playing mah-jongg, they ain't out here naggin' us."

Joe laughed and got a beer of his own from the cooler. "Say, did you see that story about the sting at the bar?"

"Nope."

"Cops suspected the owner of some shady business, y'know. Thought he was laundering money, and maybe even selling stolen goods out of the back of his bar. So they're gonna set up this sting operation with a bug in his place. But where could they put the bug? They didn't want to send in some guy wearing a wire. They wanted it to be inside the bar so they could monitor him alla time. Well, the owner's got this jar of them big pickles on his bar. And on top of the lid is a handle shaped like a pickle. Cops decide that's a good place for it. Gives them the chance to listen in on any conversation that happens at the bar. Why they thought it was a good idea, I'll never know. Between the conversation and the jukebox, you'd never hear nothing at a bar. But then, the whole thing was spoiled when some drunk guy goes for a pickle. He takes off the lid, sets it on the bar, then knocks over the whole jar of pickles. Wipes out the bug completely. Anything the cops may have had, which prolly wasn't much, was gone."

Uncle Sal shook his head as he turned over a porterhouse steak. "So all that time and effort they put into the sting ain't worth a bugged pickle."

This episode featured:

Mike Rofone as Uncle Sal

Bugs McPhee as Joe

and

Jellybean Merengue as the prawn.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm not lazy, I just don't care." 

Uncle Sal and the Browbeaten Boyfriend (Episode 91)

Uncle Sal sat across from Giacomo at the Root Hog or Diner. They had stopped for dinner before the Wombats game. Uncle Sal shook some salt from the igloo salt shaker into his palm and licked it off as Giacomo checked his cell phone.

"Whatta ya doin', Giacomo?" Uncle Sal asked as he brushed some grains of salt from his Wombats Harry Foofaraw jersey.

"My phone just vibrated, so I was checking to see if I got a message from my friend Oleg Rudd. I asked him if he wanted to come with us tonight. I didn't get any response from him. He's probably going out with his girlfriend Sloane." Giacomo rolled his eyes.

"What's wrong with a guy goin' out with his girlfriend?"

"Nothing. It's just this girlfriend. They're a pretty new couple so they're all lovey-dovey, making out in public. And they're always calling each other these silly names like Sugar-lump or mini-muffin. It's really horrible. I mean, as much as I like Oleg, it's hard to be around him when he's with Sloane."

The waitress brought Uncle Sal's bacon and egg sandwich and Giacomo's pesto penne. Giacomo looked down at his plate. "I got Boutros Boutros-Ghali. What did you get?"

"Bowling Hall of Fame."

Giacomo took a bite of his pasta and said, "So now, Oleg spends all his time with Sloane. And when I do see him, I have to put up with her. The funny thing is, Oleg did something like this in college too. He met this girl Nikki Sloane and we couldn't get him out drinking or anything. That was even worse because it wasn't just the public affection and the silly names. He actually had to ask permission to go out with anyone but her."

Uncle Sal shook his head. "Well, I reckon that sort of thing'll happen. Guy gets a new girlfriend and wants to spend all of his time with her and not his buddies. Seems to me that you should know by now; you can't get Rudd from a Sloane."

This episode featured:

Stu D. Baker as Uncle Sal

Rob A. Banks as Giacomo

and

Jellybean Merengue as the Boutros Boutros-Ghali plate.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If you want to bray, go find yourself a barnyard."