Uncle Sal and the Entrapped Employees (Episode 162)

Uncle Sal and Giacomo walked into Gertie's Griddle and sat down at a booth. Both ordered coffee and a stack of pancakes. Giacomo tipped some rye from a pewter flask into his coffee and said, "Did you hear about the incident here last week?"

"No, what happened?"

"Well, it came to closing time and Gertie was going to close the door and start cleaning like she normally does. Only as soon as she closed the door, she got a call that her dog McGruff had gotten out of the yard. Well, you know how much Gertie loves that dog. She forgot about cleaning up and just locked the door and went to look for her dog."

Uncle Sal looked at a sugar packet with a trivia question. He knew without looking at the other side of the packet that the answer was Veronica Lake. He brushed a moth from his Tammy Faye Starlite t-shirt and sipped his coffee.

"Only she didn't remember that Tom Tulipe was still here in the stockroom, and that KC Chu was still in the walk-in cooler. That, and she didn't know that the doorknob on the inside of the door fell off when she slammed it shut."

"Rickety place like this, I'm not surprised. Chu? Is he the cook never stops talking?"

"That's him. If you order eggs over easy, he'll tell you how many minutes it takes to make them perfect. Heck, he'll even tell you about the chicken that laid the egg."

Uncle Sal grunted. "If anyone could talk the ear off a brass monkey, it's him."

"Anyway, Chu and Tom both come out from the back of the restaurant and find the place completely dark, and the door closed. Then, of course they realize that the doorknob is on the floor."

"So what happened?"

"Well, what could they do? They ended up staying the night in here. I mean, that's the only door, and they sure weren't gonna break one of Gertie's windows to get out."

Uncle Sal said, "I guess there's worse places to be stuck. I mean, you're stuck in a place like this, at least you can cook yourself a good meal. But I feel bad for Tom, stuck in The Griddle with Chu."

This episode featured:
Linus Bakken as Uncle Sal
Garth Gritts as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the moth.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "This is the worst slum I've ever seen."

OSU-Eastern Michigan preview

Well, loyal reader, due to circumstances beyond my control, I will be unable to watch the game tomorrow. But fear not. I will not leave you uninformed or anything like that. I will leave you in some very capable hands. For complete statistical breakdown, visit Slag's House of Stats.
As for my preview of the game, I see it this way. The Buckeyes should win by at least 8 TDs. Seriously, this game should be 63-7. But it won't be. When was the last time the Buckeyes scored 60 points? My guess is that it would have been against Rice, Pittsburgh, or Northwestern in the Cooper era.
Here is my vision of the game. The Buckeyes put up 38 points in the first half, but then stall in the second half, scoring only one touchdown. Eastern Michigan will put up a touchdown against the second or third string defense and spoil another game that should be a shutout. Final score: Buckeyes 45, Eagles 7. Statistically, I think it will be a lot like the OU game, where a lot of yards are spread out across a lot of players.

Buckeyes 43, Bobcats 7

Let's get right to it, shall we?
The Good
Offense
It's a funny thing. Ohio State put up 43 points and 439 yards, but no one had the sort of game that makes you sit up and say "Wow!" Terrelle Pryor had a tremendous first half and ended with some pretty good numbers. I'll take 22 out of 29 every week. Dane Sanzenbacher had an amazing one-handed catch in the first half. And if that weren't enough, he finished the play by getting the first down. Jake Stoneburner had five receptions. I ask you, when was the last time an OSU tight end had five receptions in a game? Devier Posey had another good game. He definitely looks like the go-to receiver.
Defense
Wrap your mind around this one. The Buckeyes defense gave up only seven first downs in the entire game. The Bobcats finished with 158 total yards. That means the defense is doing a bang-up job. Ross Homan had a good game. The guy had four tackles in the first quarter. Devon Torrence was good. Cameron Heyward is a total beast.
Special Teams
Well, the special teams definitely had a better game. Aside from the return which would have given the Bobcats a 7-3 lead, the special teams did what it was supposed to do.
The Bad
Offense
I would have liked to see more from the running game. I mean, the opponent was a MAC team and the Buckeyes averaged only 3.9 yards per carry for the whole game. I know that's good enough for the Woody Hayes offense, but I think they could have done better against the competition.
Defense
I wished the defense could have finished with a shutout, but it's hard to complain about a performance like this.
The Ugly
I know what you're thinking. How could I have anything in the ugly for this game? How about the end of the first half? After 16 consecutive completions, Terrelle threw one short, then was sacked, then threw an interception. No es bueno.
Schwinderjection
Dear Jake Stoneburner, I realize you had a good game and I congratulate you. However, for the Buckeyes to maintain the status quo, I'm afraid Pryor won't be able to throw you the ball again until at least the Purdue game.
Under the Radar player of the game
Ross Homan would be a great candidate for this. However, I can go a little more under the radar than that. Devon Torrence caused the interception in the first quarter. If you ask me, that set the tone for the defense in the game and for that he is the UtR player of the game.

Uncle Sal and the Foiled Forger (Epsiode 161)

Giacomo let Uncle Sal in and introduced him to his new girlfriend Svetlana. Uncle Sal sat down on the couch and cracked a pecan while Giacomo went to fix some drinks. As he picked a piece of the shell off of his Glasgow Tiki Shakers shirt, Giacomo poured some vodka and said to Svetlana, "Tell him about our plans."

"Giacomo and I have started planning for a trip to Paris." She pointed to a model of l'Arc de Triomphe on the table.

Uncle Sal was surprised. He could see why someone would want to go to a romantic city with someone who looks so good in a miniskirt and gogo boots, but knew that Giacomo was never with any girlfriend long enough to plan a trip with her. "Paris, eh? Y'know, I heard a real interesting story about Paris last night." He shook some Bayou Passion hot sauce into his cajun martini, then tasted the drink. "Perfect."

Giacomo said, "So what was the story you heard about Paris?"

"Well, it was a story about this Chinaman Wong-Hei Chen." Uncle Sal didn't catch the disapproving looks he got for using such an outdated term. "This guy had a plan to rob the Louvre. He spent years forging his own versions of the most valuable paintings in the museum. He was going to take the originals and replace them with his fakes. He had floor plans of the museum and even knew how to sidestep any alarms. Then he was going to contact the Louvre and say they would have to pay him if they wanted the paintings back."

"So what happened?"

Uncle Sal set his drink on top of a Men's Fitness magazine and said, "Well, this guy got into the museum and he was just about to start on the Mona Lisa when the janitor came along. When he was moving his mop around, he caught Chen in the ribs with the handle. Then, when he turned around to see who he had hit, he nailed the thief in the face. Chen was out cold on the floor."

"So the guy did all that planning and then was foiled by the janitor?"

"And he never got to use the headline he was going to give the newspapers the next day: Wong-Hei Chen Plunders Le Louvre."

This episode featured:
Leonardo Cubismo as Giacomo
Michelangelo "Chi" R. O'scuro as Uncle Sal
Sandra Rococo as Svetlana
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Arc de Triomphe model.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She's stubborn as a wet boot."

Buckeyes 36, Hurricanes 24

Well, no one is going to say it was a perfect game, but a 12-point win over a top 15 team is a good thing.
The Good
Offense
Thank goodness for Terrelle Pryor running the ball. Although that is sort of a good news-bad news sort of deal. It's good that he ran for 113 yards, but it's not great that the running backs weren't very spectacular. Boom Herron looked pretty good running the ball too. Aside from that, the offense was really pedestrian.
Defense
If you look at the stats, you wouldn't necessarily see a great performance by the defense. However, this is one of those games where you need to look beyond total yardage. The Buckeyes defense not only forced four turnovers, but also held the Hurricanes offense to only 10 points. I think any of us will happily take that. John Simon had a really good game. So did Nathan Williams and Cameron Heyward. And Chimdi Chekwa. I mean, he has been a favorite target for me (and opposing offenses) as long as he has been a Buckeye. But you have to give the guy credit for his two interceptions. I sure didn't have that one pegged before the game.
Special Teams
Devin Barclay made five field goals. The end.
The Bad
Offense
For all his offensive heroics, Pryor completed only 12 of 27 passes. And some of those pass attempts were downright awful. Like the time he threw the ball and the four (yes, four) closest guys to the ball were wearing Miami jerseys. Brandon Saine averaged a robust 0.6 yards per carry. Ouch.
Also, this wasn't really bad, but I was a little disappointed that the Buckeyes didn't try to hang 40 on the 'Canes. I get it. It's not Tressel's style, plus the Buckeyes have to play in Miami next year. Still, I kind of feel that if you get the chance to put 40 on the board against Miami, you do it. You know Miami wouldn't be shy about tacking on another TD.
Defense
Again, what can you say other than the defense gave up more yards than we're used to seeing.
Officials
I know what you're thinking. How can I criticize the officials when Miami had eight penalties and the Buckeyes had two? Just answer me this. How many times did you see a Buckeyes defender get molested (or tackled) by an offensive lineman and nothing was called? If I can see it 2,200 miles away, how come the refs cannot see it on the field.
The Ugly
Offense
Oh, I don't know. Some of TP's passes. Saine gaining less than one yard per carry.
Special Teams
Um, did you see the game? It wouldn't surprise me if both special teams coaches were looking for work after this game. Two return touchdowns in a game? Yeesh!
Schwinderjection
Yes, loyal reader. It's a new feature here on the weekly write-up. This will be my unique spin on something about the game. After the game when Jim Tressel and Randy Shannon were shaking hands, I couldn't help but think that each one said the same thing to the other: "You'll have a solid club once you get a real quarterback."
Under the Radar player of the game
There are some good candidates here. Nathan Williams is a solid player who had another good game. Cam Heyward was really good also. But I have to tell you the player that is most deserving of the award this week is John Simon. He harrassed Jacory Harris for a lot of the day and just seemed to be around the ball a lot.

Uncle Sal and the Inconspicuous Ingredient (Episode 160)

In the Lazy Lounge Uncle Sal slid into a booth across from Ryder Wachtor. Ryder said, "Looks like you got a little crumb on your shirt there."

Uncle Sal looked down at his Naked and Shameless t-shirt and plucked a crumb off of it. "I just had a chocolate chip cookie over at that Bean There Cafe. Looks like I was saving a piece for later."

"Bean There? Never heard of it."

"It's this new place, run by a guy Giacomo knows. Guy by the name of DooDoo."

"His name is DooDoo and he runs a cafe? I think I'd have to pass."

"Course his real name ain't DooDoo. It's Duane Dudek. With that name, it don't take grade school kids long to come up with a nickname like DooDoo. They all still call him that, even though he introduces himself to everyone with his middle name Jerome."
Uncle Sal flagged a waitress down and ordered a Bannockburn and a plate of spicy fries. "Well, his old schoolmates are as likely to call him Jerome now as they were to call him Duane after he got his unfortunate nickname."

Wachtor looked at Uncle Sal's drink and said, "That looks disgusting. Who puts tomato juice in whiskey? So, what's this cafe all about?"

"It's really good. He makes a lot of standard things: pasta, jambalaya, omelets. And the thing is, every dish has a common ingredient." Uncle Sal glanced up at the television to catch the score of the Wombats game and gritted his teeth when he saw that the manager had brought the awful closer in. "And you'd never guess what the ingredient is. I mean, I don't know what he does with this special ingredient that makes everything taste so good. It's mind-blowing."

"So what's the ingredient? Beans?"

"No, it's bean sprouts. Course he doesn't tell his customers that until after they've finished their dishes."

"He puts bean sprouts in everything? And you ate there?"

"I've eaten there a few times already. It's really good."

"So, wait a minute. Didn't you say you had a cookie from there?"

"That's right."

"And he puts bean sprouts in cookies?"

"Like I tole ya, he puts bean sprouts in everything. I had my doubts when I first went there too, but I'm telling you, you've never had cookies like this. Or jambalaya, or pancakes."

Wachtor cringed. "Pancakes with bean sprouts. I don't know if I can get past that idea. And I can't believe you're eating there."

"Heck yeah, I'm eating there. Sure it sounds pretty unusual, but it tastes good when DooDoo Dudek's cooking sprouts, Ry Wachtor."

This episode featured:
Dusty Cooke as Uncle Sal
Serge Skillett as Ryder Wachtor
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cookie crumb.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in."

Uncle Sal and the Hapless Highroller (Episode 159)

Giacomo set a plate of pancakes in the center of the table. As Uncle Sal reached for one with his fork, he said, "Whooooooa!"

"What is it?"

"Have a look at this pancake, Giacomo. Doesn't the surface of it look just like Marc Bolan?"

Giacomo agreed that the resemblance was uncanny.

Uncle Sal opened the syrup bottle and wiped a drop that fell onto his Trainwreck t-shirt. After licking the syrup off of his finger, he said, "So, is your car in the shop? Why'd you need me to come pick you up this morning?"

Giacomo cracked some eggs into his cast-iron skillet, threw the shells into the compost box and said, "No, it's because I'm buying a car from Bobby Jake Brubaker."

"Bru? Isn't he the one with the souped-up seventy-one Barracuda with the portrait of the Were-Elvis on the hood?"

"Yeah."

"Is that the car you're buying?" Giacomo nodded. "Get out! Why is he selling it? I had a car like that, I'd never sell it."

"Well, Bobby Jake didn't really want to sell it. He has a bit of a gambling problem. For a long time, he was winning every bet. It got to the point where his bookie wouldn't take his bets anymore. He found another bookie and won his first couple bets with the new guy. Then he lost a football game, in overtime. So he tried to win his money back, but lost again. All of a sudden he couldn't win. He'd bet on beach volleyball, curling, even Scrabble tournaments, just trying to get back to even. He got himself into a spot where he couldn't pay what he owed without selling his stuff. He called me to see if I wanted the Barracuda. Who wouldn't want it? Thing is, I had to talk him down to about half of what he was asking. He didn't really want to, but then, he didn't have a lot of choice."

"So you come away with a Barracuda at half the asking price thanks to the gaming of the Bru."

This episode featured:
Rusty Carr as Giacomo
Ray Wayne "Engine" Bloch as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cast-iron skillet.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Wow, he just made the international sign of the doughnut."

Buckeyes 45, Thundering Herd 7

Well, it's definitely good to be writing this again. Football season is always too short and 8 months between games is a long time. That being said, a game like this is never easy to write about. You don't really watch the game because you don't have to. That being said, here we go with the first write-up of the season.
The Good
Offense
Let's see. Terrelle Pryor completed 68% of his passes for 247 yards and 2 TDs. Brandon Saine and Jamaal Berry both averaged more than 11 yards per carry. The offense had two touchdowns of more than 40 yards. Dane Sanzenbacher had more than 100 yards with only 3 receptions. And get this. The offense had 3 touchdown drives of less than 70 seconds. No, I sure didn't think that I would be writing those words. Just mull that over. Teams that run a hurry-up offense rarely have 3 TD drives that brief in a game. Brandon Saine's 45-yard touchdown run was sweet. No one even came near him, which means that the offensive line did its job.
Defense
Anytime the defense yields fewer than 200 yards, it had a pretty good game. Brian Rolle showed once again that he is the best and most exciting player on the Buckeyes defense. Seriously, he is the kind of guy you have to watch on every play. Tyler Moeller had an amazing game with a couple tackles for loss, a forced fumble, and a sack. And as you know, I have to give props when props are due. For all the grief I have given Chimdi Chekwa over the years, I have to give him credit for forcing a fumble when Marshall was deep in Buckeye territory
The Bad
Offense
There isn't a lot to put here. We still saw flashes of the old Pryor, but luckily they were only flashes. Devier Posey dropped an easy pass, but that sort of thing can be forgiven in a 38-point blowout.
Defense
I can't think of anything to put here.
Special Teams
I didn't see for myself, but I was told the first 3 PAT attempts were not exactly spectacular.
The Ugly
I think we all know what needs to go here. If not for a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown, this would have been a shutout.
Under the Radar player of the game
How do you choose a UtR player of the game in a game like this? Well, I think it has to go to Tyler Moeller. He was the defensive leader on a night when the defense gave up only 199 yards.