Uncle Sal and the Loudmouthed Lightweights (Episode 184)

Uncle Sal walked into the Grackles annual Mardi Gras party and got a hurricane from the bartender. He spotted Giacomo at the other end of the bar. As he walked toward Giacomo, Uncle Sal removed two perfecto cigars from the pocket of his teal guayabera shirt and handed one to Giacomo.

"This is such a great bash," Giacomo shouted over the sounds of the zydeco music coming from the speakers. I hope the Grackles never stop having the Mardi Gras party."

"Yeah, it sure is a good one. Nothin' like knockin' back some hurricanes and dancing with pretty girls to zydeco music."

Uncle Sal removed his The Young Werewolves Zippo from his pocket and after piercing the top of the cigar with a golf tee (to bite off the end was crude), lit his cigar. After a couple puffs, he noticed a group of guys over in the corner. They were cheering one guy to chug a pitcher of beer, if you could call it that. It barely had more color than a glass of water. "Who are those savages? What kinda yahoo drinks light beer at a Mardi Gras party?"

"That's the Flegger brothers and some of their friends."

"Those are Dean's kids? Boy, how long they been drinkin' already? Look at 'em. They're all red and the brown-haired one looks like he's havin' a hard time standin'."

"Yeah, they volunteered to help set up, I'm assuming so they could start drinking before the party actually started. The thing is, these guys can't really hold their alcohol. I went to college with the brown-haired one, Damon, and I never saw someone throw up from alcohol so frequently. And yeah, his brother, I think his name is Dan, doesn't seem to be any better. Probably the best thing to do is to call a cab for those guys right now, before they get out of control and wreck something."

"Too late. Damon just fell into that potted ficus. Just goes to show you Fleggers can't be boozers."

This episode featured:
Carl Neval as Uncle Sal
Bon T. Roulee as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the potted ficus.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A word to the wise is infuriating."

Uncle Sal and the Winged Wombat (Episode 183)

Uncle Sal entered Joe's place for the weekly pinochle game, removed his wet two-tone wingtips and left them on the welcome mat that bore the message "Hi, I'm Mat." He slipped out of his Mackintosh, hung it on the hook by the door, and walked to the fridge. Joe shuffled the cards as Uncle Sal cracked open his first Spud's.

Settling into his seat, Uncle Sal said, "Didja see who the Wombats picked up in the draft?"

Joe shook his head.

"Dion Vine."

Joe continued to deal, giving no sign that he had ever heard of the player.

"It's Sweetpea Vine's kid. You know, the all-time stolen base leader for the Wombats. Remember how quick he was? He was able to stand up on second base before the catcher could even get the ball outta his mitt." Uncle Sal put a bleu cheese olive in his mouth and continued. "Well, they say this kid Dion is even faster than his old man. In his senior year of high school, the kid stole more than a hunnerd bases. And they don't play nearly as many games in high school. You know them guys say they can turn out the lights and be under the covers in bed before the room is dark? Well, this kid can flip the switch, read a chapter of a book and be under the covers before it's dark."

"Wait a minute. The Wombats just drafted this kid outta high school? What are you so excited about? The kid's never played against real good competition. And besides, he might blow out his knee and never do nothin' for the Wombats."

"What am I so excited about? Don'tcha see? What's the one thing the Wombats have been missin' all these years? A good leadoff hitter. They always get guys that try to hit home runs. They forget that a leadoff hitter is supposed to get on base and let the guys behind him drive him home. And now, the Wombats have a guy that can steal bases anytime he wants."

After a long pull from his bottle of Spud's, Uncle Sal said, "And they didn't just get any guy. They got the fleet child of Vine."

This episode featured:
Lou Brockman as Uncle Sal
Rick E. Hendrickson as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Mackintosh.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hey! Ain't you that girl that hit the other girl in the face with your hair?"

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Uncle Sal and the Absconded Artist (Episode 182)

Inside Emerson's Boozer Uncle Sal had just tipped a little extra scotch from his flask into his smoky martini when Giacomo removed his phone from his pocket. At first, he laughed, then he went quiet. Uncle Sal took a big sip from his glass and said, "Whatsamatter, Giacomo? You look like you just got some bad sushi."

"You remember my old girlfriend Tricia? The one that made the Chewbacca bike?"

"Oh yeah! Nice girl. Very creative. And gorgeous."

"Well, she just sent me this message. The first thing I saw is this picture. His name is Guy Latune. I mean, just look at this guy." Giacomo handed the phone over and Uncle Sal looked at a picture of a man in a tank top with tattoos up to his neck. His hair looked like it was slicked back with about half a pound of pomade.

"Whoa! Will ya look at that guy?" Uncle Sal tossed a chipotle macadamia nut into his mouth. Emerson's didn't always make the strongest drinks, but it always had the best bar snacks.

Giacomo sipped from his Leafer Madness pint glass. "I know! I thought she was just sending me a picture of a guy she thought looks funny. But in the message, she says that's her husband. Her husband? I mean, I never thought Tricia was the type to get married, let alone to a guy who looks like that. She swears he's the best guy ever. I guess she would know better than me. But here's the capper. She said she knew the guy for six hours before they decided to head to Vegas to get married. She wrote how magical it was and that when they met, they just clicked. And now, she's living in an Airstream trailer in Wyoming. With that guy! She left her art studio behind and...Boy, I just can't believe..."

"That Trish ran away with Latune."

This episode featured:
Newsome Rimes as Uncle Sal
Arthur Diddley as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the phone.
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "That's nonsense. I invented electricity. Ben Franklin is the devil!"

Uncle Sal and the Converted Carouser (Episode 181)

Uncle Sal sat in The Crow Bar watching a college hockey game. He had just dipped a chip into his bowl of queso when Fred Crocker came and sat next to him. "Hey Sal, how ya been?"

Uncle Sal removed a bottle of ghost chili sauce from the pocket of his gold guayabera shirt and added it to the queso. "I been pretty good Fred. How 'bout you?"

Fred ordered a drink and said, "Yeah, I been pretty good too. Hey, whatever happened to that Guido Delfina? I ain't seen him in here in a while."

"He's at a monastery in Tibet."

Fred laughed for a solid minute before Uncle Sal said, "Why is that funny?"

"Why is that funny? Ya ever seen the guy in here? I never seen someone close a bar as often as he did. Always the life of the party. As long as they were still serving, he was still drinking. And the women. Boy, I never seen a guy hook up with as many women as that guy. I don't think he ever went home alone. You know, you almost had me going with that monastery gag."

"It's not a gag. He really did move to Tibet. Not surprisingly, a woman is behind the whole thing. He met this woman here one night and he was throwing all his terrible lines at her. She said the only way he could even think about getting anywhere with her was to go with her to a Buddhist retreat." Uncle Sal sipped his Spud's and watched as the new bartender tried to figure out how to turn up the television volume with the remote. "So he went. And he had some sort of epiphany. Decided to dedicate his life to Buddhism. And to show how serious he is about it, he moved to a monastery in Tibet where he gets two scoops of rice a day and spends almost every waking hour meditating."

Fred swallowed hard and looked at Uncle Sal. "You're really serious!"

"Course I am. I couldn't make this stuff up."

"It's just so unbelievable."

"It may be unbelievable, but it's true. Delfina is a monk, Crocker."

This episode featured:
Oswald Shin as Uncle Sal
Timofey Tendai as Fred Crocker
Tara Vada as the bartender
and
Jellybean Merengue as the remote.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The crazies got all the luck."