Saturday, April 16, 2011

Uncle Sal and the Disappointed Debutante (Episode 191)

Uncle Sal entered Jungle Jim's Juice Emporium and ordered a Guava Smash. As he waited to receive the drink, he saw Shayna, the big Motley Crue fan he had once drawn in chalk.

He adjusted his CAMPEON DEL MUNDO trucker hat and said, "Hey there, Shayna. How ya been?"

She squinted at him and it took a moment for her to recognize who he was. "Hey! Sam, right?"


"I never pegged you for a juice sort of guy, especially after seeing all those Spud's beer signs in your basement."

"Well, juice is good too. Besides, between you and me, that Guava Smash goes great with a little rum." He removed a miniature bottle of dark rum from his pocket and gave it a little shake.

Shayna handed him his drink and informed her manager that she was going to have a smoke. She asked Sal to join her outside on the bench. "I have to tell you something. It's very exciting news! I've been invited to this formal gala and I'm telling you, from the invitation, it sounds like a real-life Cinderella sort of deal. All the women are supposed to show up in beautiful gowns. I haven't gotten mine yet, but I know I'm going to look for something emerald. Green just looks so good on me. I can't tell you how excited I am to go to this. I mean, isn't this every girl's dream?"

Uncle Sal tipped the rum into his cup and sipped it. He smiled at the taste, then grimaced when he realized he had set his foot in a wad of gum on the ground. He wondered how she could talk so much without breathing.

"And the men have been instructed to dress up too. The whole thing: tails, ties, top hats, I imagine I'll even see a few monocles. Wouldn't that be something? I don't think I've ever been around someone wearing a monocle. The only thing the men can't wear is spats. Apparently, the host wants to be the only one wearing them."


"Yeah, you know those things men wear over their shoes."

"I know what they are, but that's a curious request. First of all, who wears spats anymore. Well, except for one guy. Say, who invited you to this shindig?"

"A very rich, eccentric man who calls himself Baron von Lowenstein."

"That's what I thought. Listen, I know you're excited, but I don't think you should go. This guy, the baron, he's not someone you wanna hang out with, from what I hear. All his life, everything's been handed to him, including the money to buy his mansion. He's got more money'n he knows what to do with and that's why he dresses like he just stepped out of an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. Spats are his trademark cuz no one else wears them. Thing I hear is, he invites people like you over just so he can make fun of them in front of his rich friends and business partners."

Shayna had just taken a drag of her cigarette and exhaled it in a loud breath. "Really? So I won't get the chance to be like Cinderella?"

"Nope. You've been invited as a patsy by the brat in the spats."

This episode featured:
Pete "Mr. Peanut" Gatsby as Uncle Sal
Odelia Barnes as Shayna
Jellybean Merengue as the wad of gum.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I wish I was as big as you, but not so stupid."

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