Ask Uncle Sal: Uncle Knucklehead and the campaign bumper stickers

Hey Uncle Sal. I keep hearing this term “play on words” and “pun”. What does that mean? Why would you play on a book? What the heck is a pun? Uninformed 'Nucklehead Can't Locate Erudition

Boy, that's a heckofa handle ya got there, UNCLE. I wouldna thought you were capable of a word like erudition considering ya don't know what a pun is. Lemme ask ya sump'n UNCLE. Ya know there's things called dictionaries, right? In other words, all ya gotta do is crack open a book and you'll get an answer to yer question. The thing is, I could sit here and explain it to ya, but I get the feeling that'd be like explaining algebra to a tabby cat. But hey, I'm here to help. If you want examples of puns, pick up one of my books. Heck, I got three of 'em: A Gopher I Couldn't Defuse (that there's a pun), The Pickled Hand of Nate (that's another one), and Stocking on Levin's Floor (yup, that's one too). Ya can't figure out what a pun is after readin' those, well, then I imagine yer probably befuddled by things like doorknobs too.

In an election year, are bumper stickers wise? Campaign in the Neck (Hey UNCLE, didja catch that? That's another pun.)

Listen, Campaign. It's important to stand by yer convictions, but bumper stickers in an election year ain't at all wise. Why? Because every one of them candidates for office (yes, any office) is a clown. Plus, someone's bound to lose. Ya don't want to advertise that ya support both a clown and a loser (although is the winner of any election really a winner?). Now, bumper stickers is fine if they advertise yer favorite waterin' hole like The Crow Bar or your favorite ball team, but don't put some doofus politician's name on yer vehicle. I never have, never will.

Uncle Sal and the Near-perfect Nymph (Episode 206)

Uncle Sal arrived at Giacomo's and removed his Montgomery Biscuits baseball cap. He had only taken three steps inside the place when Giacomo's new girlfriend Janet came from the kitchen. She wore a blue gingham crop top and a white apron that was longer than her denim miniskirt. "It's so nice to meet you! I fixed you a drink. I know you like whiskey, but I make a mean Cape Cod. I should. That's where I grew up."

Uncle Sal accepted the drink and walked to the couch where he removed the lime from the rim of the glass and squeezed it before he took a sip. "That's a nice stiff drink. Thanks." He wasn't sure if she heard because she immediately headed back to the kitchen.

Moments later, she returned with a platter. "Try these crab puffs. I made them myself. It's another thing we love on the Cape."

Uncle Sal popped one in his mouth and chewed it. "That is delicious!"

"Well, if you think that's good, just wait until dinner. We're having some chowder, gratin dauphinois and a salad with a raspberry vinaigrette that I also made myself."

"I can't wait," Uncle Sal said as he reached for another crab puff on the platter.

Janet kissed Giacomo and said, I'm going to get a couple beers from the cooler outside. You don't have to do anything but sit there and talk with your uncle."

"Sure thing, babe."

When she closed the door for the back patio, Uncle Sal said, "Giacomo, where did you find this woman? She has beer on ice, a drink for you when you walk in the door, she's a great cook, and she's gorgeous. This is the marrying kind."

Giacomo sipped his Cape Cod and sighed. "Yeah, I know."

"Don't tell me you've found some flaw in her?"

"She is great. I mean, her cooking is amazing. And yeah, she makes a nice drink. She is easy on the eyes and knows how to treat a man, but..."

"But what?"

"Well, it's just she's always talking about the Cape. People there are nicer. Restaurants are better. Sunsets are more beautiful. No matter what we do or where we go, it's not as good as the Cape. It's a drag. I don't know how much more of it I can stand."

Uncle Sal took a long drink from his glass. "Unbelievable. You've hit the lottery and that ain't good enough for ya. I can't believe you're already thinkin' about your escape from the Janet of the Cape."

This episode featured:
Ezra Zaius as Uncle Sal
Cornelius Taylor as Giacomo
Zira Nova as Janet
and
Jellybean Merengue as the platter.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If this is the best they've got around here, in six months we'll be running this planet."

Uncle Sal and the Disinformed Donor (Episode 205)

As Uncle Sal, Giacomo, and Helmut Trickle (the designated driver) walked toward the exit of the whiskey tasting, Helmut looked at the rye booth and took a long look at a bottle of rye with a picture of a rooster on it.

Helmut said, "Oh, you know who would love this?"

"Nils Gish," Uncle Sal answered.

"That's right. He..."

"Yeah, I know. He collects rye. I been in his rye cellar. He's prolly got about 50 bottles down there. Gives me a different sample every time I see him."

"You think he has one of these? I'm thinking maybe I'll take him one." he asked, pointing to the rooster.

"Prolly. I didn't catalog every bottle. But I would say don't buy it for him. It ain't like he needs it. Ya wanna buy a bottle of rye for someone, buy it for me. I only got one half-empty bottle in the cabinet. Give to the needy, not the greedy."

Uncle Sal pulled his Lowell Spinners hat on and turned over his Creedence Clearwater Revival tape as Helmut started the car. Before he shifted the 8-ball gearshift, Helmut offered some ostrich jerky to Uncle Sal and Giacomo. He navigated the car out of the parking lot and when he turned on to Copperhead Road, they passed a 1968 Ford Econoline van on cinder blocks. The dashboard held a FOR SALE sign. The side of the van was decorated with an airbrush painting of Betty Boop with a grossly exaggerated bust and a skimpy bikini.

"Would you look at that?" Helmut said.

"That's sump'n else." Uncle Sal answered. "I ain't seen a van like that for a long time. 'Specially not with that kinda paint job."

"You know who would like that? Sid Grumman."

"Grumman?"

"Yeah. Nobody likes to work on vans as much as he does."

"I don't doubt Grumman could get that thing offa cinder blocks. He's a wizard. And if he didn't like the paint job, I'm sure he'd come up with sump'n good there too. But he's already got two vans in his garage and one in his driveway. He ain't got room for anymore, 'less he opens up his own shop."

"I just thought..."

"Yeah, I know. You were thinking you'd tell Grumman about it. See what he could do with that beauty. It's a nice thought, but I'll tell ya...Grumman needs a van like Gish needs a rye, Trickle."

This episode featured:
Butch Femmstein as Uncle Sal
Fillmore Steinem as Giacomo
Roderick "Gitter" Dunn as Helmut Trickle
and
Jellybean Merengue as the FOR SALE sign.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Wait! Where are you going?... I was going to make espresso!"

Uncle Sal and the Salty Split (Episode 204)

Inside the Salvador Deli, Uncle Sal removed his sedge hat and spotted Giacomo in a booth. Above the booth was a stuffed beaver on a tricycle. The beaver held a fan paintbrush under his front teeth and a pizza pan on his tail.

Giacomo had a pint glass, one empty shot glass and one shot of whiskey in front of him. "Getting it going early today, eh Giacomo?"

"After the discussion I've just had, I need it. My friends sure know how to put on the drama." A waiter in a Nehru jacket came to the table and Uncle Sal ordered the same that Giacomo was drinking.

"My friends Juan and Lulu..." Giacomo sipped his shot of whiskey. "They've been at it for months now, going back to St. Patrick's Day. Juan had a little too much to drink. He said some things he immediately regretted. She threw all of his clothes out on the lawn and his keys into the bushes. Since then, they've been on and off. He says something stupid. She kicks him out. He does something sweet and she takes him back."

Uncle Sal was beginning to see why Giacomo was taking such a heavy dose of alcohol.

"So Juan calls me today and tells me it's over for good. No going back now. She saw him with another woman and even though she and Juan were technically on a break, Lulu got jealous. Not that she asked who the woman was. She just went right into argument mode. She said she was going to her sister's place for a while and when she returned his stuff better be gone, or she would throw it in the fire pit and get rid of it there. Well, Lulu has this trunk that's been passed down from her grandma. It's beautiful, all oak. It would probably fetch a lot of money on one of those antique shoes. Or it would have before today. Juan told me that after she left, he went up with a green permanent marker and drew shamrocks all over the thing."

Uncle Sal sipped his Spud's and said, "I guess he's right. There's no way they're getting back together after Juan drew clovers on Lulu's chest."

This episode featured:
Lochlan Nicholson as Uncle Sal
Nollaig Ratched as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the fan paintbrush.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Who would have thought that dolphins could go bad and that fish were magnetic?"

Uncle Sal and the Ejected Ecclesiastic (Episode 203)

Uncle Sal removed his Skoal Bandits trucker cap as he entered I Pity the Pho for lunch with Sister Mary Evelyn. He saw the booth where she was seated and slid in across from her. He quickly ordered a 33 beer and a shot of Son Tinh. Mary Evelyn as always looked a little frazzled.

"Whatsa matter, sis?"

She sighed and said, "It's another shakeup at the church."

Uncle Sal moved a bottle of fish sauce to the side of the table and prepared for what he assumed would be a long story.

"You know Father Mackenzie was the priest. And he was really good. Everybody loved him. Well, almost everyone." Without even realizing she was doing it, Mary Evelyn turned her rosary in her hands. The Kohrs, Bill and Ethel, they felt like Father Mackenzie was getting a little too liberal. He had a Democrat's bumper sticker on his car and actually hinted in his sermons that maybe Americans are a little too uptight about things like marijuana. His example was a devoted churchgoer who needs medical marijuana. I believe his quote was, 'How can something be bad if it helps a righteous person?'"

Uncle Sal nodded as the drinks were set in front of him. He poured the 33 into a glass and took a long sip, leaving some foam on his lip.

"That was pretty much the last straw for him. The Kohrs give a lot of money to the church and they lobbied the parishioners and the diocese to find another place for Father Mackenzie. So the diocese did just that. And they brought in this Father Olczyk. He's a terribly nice man. He's the kind of guy that if you have a flat tire, he'll stop and help you change it. Or give you part of his lunch if you don't have enough money to buy your own."

"Sounds like a pretty good guy."

"He is. The thing is, he's just very boring. They wanted someone conservative and that's what they got. His sermons are...I'll just say it's not easy to stay awake. I don't know if it's his mellow tone of voice or his topics, but he has a hard time holding my interest. Father Mackenzie's politics didn't bother me. I wish we had him back."

"I can see that. Too bad the church chose the darn bore after the Kohrs revolted."

This episode featured:
Boniface McGee as Uncle Sal
Theodora Romana as Sister Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the rosary.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "People on 'ludes should not drive."

Uncle Sal and the Brobdingnagian Birthday Bash (Episode 202)

Uncle Sal and Alice got in the line for food at Bevon Bacall's Brobdingnagian Birthday Bash. Just about everything in Bevon's backyard was adorned with a submarine decoration. Uncle Sal speared a whole dill pickle with a plastic toothpick as Alice asked, "How do you know this guy again?"

"He's in the Grackles."

"Isn't it kind of weird to have a theme? I mean, it's like a kid's birthday party. What's his deal with submarines?"

Uncle Sal adjusted his Do It To It trucker hat "Yeah, maybe it's a little weird. Bevon's always sayin' that you got enough things weighin' ya down and makin' ya feel old, so ya might as well do whatever ya can to make ya feel like a kid again."

Uncle Sal piled some pastrami and pickled onions onto a hamburger bun, then spread a thick layer of pale ale mustard on top of it.

"As for the subs, he was in the navy. He spends a lot of time making scale-model subs. He's got 'em all over his house."

Alice and Uncle Sal drew closer to the dessert table. Alice pointed at a dessert shaped like the Washington Monument and asked. "What's with all the gelatin desserts?"

"Oh that. It's the only kinda dessert I ever seen him eat. Every year for the birthday bash, he asks people to bring their favorite gelatin dessert. People get pretty creative with the molds they use and the ingredients they put into it. See this one here?" He pointed to a gelatin dessert that matched the theme of the party. The mold for that one was a gift from me and a bunch of the other Grackles. Custom-made of course, from a shatter-proof kinda plastic. As long as he don't lose it, he should have it a long time."

Alice looked appalled. "Really? That's what you got him for his birthday?"

"Yeah. Pretty great, ain't it? A bunch of us chipped in and we all give 'im a Jell-o® submarine."

This episode featured:
Wilbert "Wiggles" Wigginton as Uncle Sal
Beverly "Sweets" Sauer as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Washington Monument dessert.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Put on your camo cuz you gotta blend into nature."

Uncle Sal and the Alesmith Applicants (Episode 201)

At the summer solstice skinny dip, Uncle Sal filled his cup from the keg of Spud's while Alice did a cannonball into the pool and overturned someone who had been floating on an inflatable ring shaped like a giraffe. When his cup was full, Giacomo and his new girlfriend Jordana came to fill their cups. Uncle Sal thought that bringing Jordana to a skinny dip party might have been the smartest thing Giacomo ever did.

"Hey Uncle Sal! Great party, isn't it?"

"Beer, barbecue, music, skinny dippin'. I don't suppose you could ask for much more."

"Did you see the story about Spud's in the paper today?"

"No. My paperboy has gotten really good at throwing my newspaper on the roof."

Giacomo, Jordana, and Uncle Sal moved toward the grill where Uncle Sal used the tongs to heap a pile of sauerkraut on his Chicago dog.

"Spud's apparently is going to try some craft brews and they have two finalists for the job. One is Fergus Bass. He used to work at Strange Brews so he does a lot of exotic things with his beers. He's not afraid to add some herbs or spices to his beer that are pretty unusual beer ingredients. Remember that stout he did with the star anise?"

Uncle Sal watched as Alice and someone he didn't recognize batted a beach ball back and forth in the pool. "Yeah, that was a good one."

"The other candidate for the job is Howard Thames. He used to work at Kodiak Beers. He does a lot of English ales. He does some American styles too. He used to brew the Freddie brown ale at Kodiak. Among others."

"That Freddie brown was always a good beer. Hard to go wrong with one of those."

"Exactly. He makes really good beers, but he's a total traditionalist. He figures people have been making beers a certain way for hundreds of years, so he doesn't need to change anything."

"Mmm-hmm. It seems to me that if you're going to branch out into something like craft brews, you might as well do something people can't get anywhere else. I hope they're pickin' Bass and shakin' Thames."

This episode featured:
Marco Spitzer as Uncle Sal
Butterfly MacGowan as Alice
Kadeem Gainer as Giacomo
Ruby Diver as Jordana
and
Jellybean Merengue as the beach ball.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She tried to sit in my lap while I was standing up."

Uncle Sal and the Extraordinary Evening (Episode 200)

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" A little person dressed in a yellow and red Velcro suit screamed as he flew toward the mat covered with Velcro. The crowd cheered when he stuck to the wall about six feet off the ground.

"Sure was a good idea to come to this midget toss, Giacomo." Uncle Sal adjusted his Danville Braves trucker hat and took a long drink of Spud's from a red plastic cup promoting the fifth annual midget toss and crawfish boil.

"Yeah, this is always a good event."

The emcee announced the next contestant and a tall, dark-skinned man with a long ponytail stepped up to take his turn throwing a midget.

"Look at the size of that guy. He must be six-nine, two-fifty. And it's a bold man that can go around wearing only a loincloth."

"I know that guy. That's Crowfoot. He's 100 percent Cree Indian. I went to see my friend's band the other night. You met her. She's in Fun Buster and the Wet Blankets. Anyway, Crowfoot's band The Potato Chippewas was the headliner. Didn't know anything about the band but it mixes traditional Indian music with hardcore punk." Giacomo threw a pistachio shell on the ground. "So he says the band is going to do a cover song and asks if anyone in the audience knows the words to 'How Can I Say I Love You (with a Shotgun in my Mouth?' I was the only one that raised my hand, and he invited me on stage to come and sing it."

"That's something you won't forget easily."

"Yeah, and that's not all. Crowfoot's got this bassist in his band who just calls himself The Dave. He's written a book called The Punk Manifesto. He announced that he was going to give away a copy to anyone who could answer a trivia question that I happened to know. So there I am just supporting a friend's band..."

"And you end up with the band of the Cree and the tome of The Dave."

This episode featured:
Furley Banner as Uncle Sal
Gerhard Flagg as Giacomo
Jose Canusee as Crowfoot
Early Light as the midget
and
Jellybean Merengue as the loincloth.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Report back to me when it makes sense."

Uncle Sal and the Pressured Paramour (Episode 199)

Uncle Sal and Giacomo were joined in The Crow Bar by Julius Hudderslee. Uncle Sal removed his Descendents trucker cap from the stool next to him to make room for Julius.

"Why the long face, Jules?"

Julius ordered a white russian and said, "I gotta go to marriage class at St. Hedwig's."

Uncle Sal winced. "Well, no one says ya gotta go."

"Abbie does. It's the craziest thing. Abbie hasn't been to a Catholic church since she was old enough to decide she didn't want to go, but her mom is insisting we go to these marriage workshops because she wants to make sure we do things right. She's even going to sit in on the classes with us." Julius removed his glass from a Crazy Train coaster and took a long drink from his white Russian. "It's every Saturday for two months. This is the first one. Can you imagine? And you know what's the worst part? The classes are taught by a nun. A nun! What does a nun know about marriage?"

Uncle Sal shook his head and noticed an extra-large red thong hanging from the rafters of the bar. "Ya oughta come with us to the bikini mud run. Everyone who enters, even the guys, has to wear a bikini. And they serve pretty good beer there too."

"Don't tempt me. Besides, if I was about to do something fun, Abbie would probably sense it and find some way to put an end to it."

Uncle Sal popped a peanut butter pretzel into his mouth. "Look, Jules. Ya said this class goes on for two months, right? What happens if you skip one of them? I mean, it ain't like she's gonna call off the wedding, right? Besides, what's gonna be more memorable? A bikini mud run or some stuffy marriage class?"

"Well, there's no doubt the bikini mud run would be more fun and memorable, but...I'm gonna have to hear it from Abbie if I skip the first class."

"You only live once."

Jules knitted his brow and said, "I shouldn't."

"You don't want to go to that class. Why not do something you want to do?"

Jules remained tight-lipped.

"Three words: bikini mud run. Go on, shake the honey and nun."

This episode featured:
Steve Millevich as Uncle Sal
Mack Eagleton as Giacomo
Abney K. Dabra as Julius Hudderslee
and
Jellybean Merengue as the extra-large red thong.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If I had known it was going to be this kind of party I would have worn underwear."

Uncle Sal and the Brilliant Bootlegger (Episode 198)

Uncle Sal entered the wine cellar of his friend Brit Blessington and removed his Levi's trucker cap. "Heckuva setup ya got here. I never seen so much wine outside of a restaurant."

"I've been collecting for years. It's a labor of love. Here, try this." Brit opened a bottle of pinot noir and gave Uncle Sal the cork to smell. He then poured a splash into a glass and handed it to Uncle Sal.

Uncle Sal smelled the wine because he knew that's what he was supposed to do, but he didn't know exactly what he was supposed to smell. He sipped it and said, "That's pretty good. Smooth."

"That's from Slovakia."

The host led Uncle Sal through rows of bottles of reds, whites, and some wines that Uncle Sal had never heard of and couldn't pronounce. Finally, they came to a cask marked with three big black Xs.

"What's that one? Is that the strongest one in your collection?"

"No, that's for a very special customer. You know Nigel Colcroft?"

"Colcroft? Isn't he the guy that got sent away for embezzlement?"

"Exactly. And what do you think is the thing prisoners request most often, especially in a white collar prison? Aside from a willing female partner." Without waiting for Uncle Sal, he said, "Alcohol. These guys have been put away and they never get any alcohol to drink. So Nigel and I came up with a plan. Whatever is left at the end of a bottle, I pour it in here. When this is full, I get the wine to the prison. He sells this stuff to the other guys in the prison for whatever currency they use. He of course will pay me when he gets out in a couple years."

"You mean to tell me this guy is selling leftover wine to prisoners?"

"Absolutely. They don't care as long as it's alcoholic. It's the best they're going to get until they're out."

"Pretty clever. Who would have ever thought you could make a business just by putting all your dregs in one cask, Britt."

This episode featured:
Ed Riesling as Uncle Sal
Heinrich Gewurtztraminer as Brit Blessington
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cork.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "We ain't heroes. We're businessmen."

Uncle Sal and the Misidentified Manager (Episode 196)

Uncle Sal had just put the second slice of bread on top of his roast beef and Nutella sandwich with extra horseradish when the doorbell rang. He opened it and saw the manager of the local high school baseball team Jules Dmietriewiecz.

"Hey Jules, how ya doin? I just finished makin' a roast beef and Nutella sandwich. Want me to make you one?"

"Umm...no thanks. I just need to borrow your drain snake."

"I left it over by the door for ya. Beer?"

"Sure. I'll have a beer."

Uncle Sal removed two bottles of Spud's from his fridge, opened them and handed one to Jules. After a sip, Jules said, "Sometimes all it takes to make you feel human again is a sip of beer." He fished his cell phone out of his pocket and said, "Hey, you know Tor Hammerstaag's wife Dagmar?"

"Sure, I know her. Nice lookin' woman, like a Scandinavian goddess."

"Maybe so, but I have questions about her brain. Listen to this."

Jules pressed a couple buttons on his phone and after a few seconds, Dagmar's voice came through. "Hey Pate, it's Dagmar. I just wanted to thank you so much for bringing your jambalaya to the school fundraiser. It was a big hit. And say hi to your lovely wife Della for me."

"Why'd she call you Pate?"

"As far as she knows, that's my name. She thinks I'm Tor's old golf buddy Myron Pate. I mean, I see her all the time at events where our kids go to school and she calls me Pate every time. Even when I'm wearing a name tag. I've corrected her myself. She's heard other people call me by my name, but it never seems to stick. It's so weird, like she has some kind of amnesia just about my name. She always remembers Della's name, but me..."

"Guess you'll just have to accept that you're always Pate with Tor's misses."

This episode featured:
"Hill" Billy D. Luxx as Uncle Sal
Dewey Frizzell as Jules
and
Jellybean Merengue as the drain snake.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I keep drinkin', but you're still ugly."

Uncle Sal and the Suspect Speculation (Episode 195)

Giacomo was already at the table in the Cocked-up Cafe when Uncle Sal walked in. Uncle Sal removed his I H8 Biebs trucker hat, wiped his forehead with a red bandana and went to the counter where he ordered a coffee with two shots of espresso. He sat down across from Giacomo who had just finished pouring some Kessler whiskey into his cappuccino.

"Hey Giacomo, how ya been?"

"I've been pretty good and I think I'm about to be doing a lot better. You know my friend Dwight Stanislaus?"

Uncle Sal sighed. "I think I know where this is goin'. What's Dwight's plan for makin' money now?"

"It's a restaurant."

Uncle Sal rolled his eyes, then thanked the waitress who brought his coffee. Before he even tasted it, he emptied two miniature bottles of Jameson and one packet of sugar into it. "Giacomo, ya gotta know restaurants are a bad investment. Ya know how many of 'em go under in less than two years?"

"I know all that. But this restaurant idea is genius. It's a place where you can brew your own beer and make your own pizza. And the servers will all be young, attractive women wearing skimpy Catholic schoolgirl outfits. How can it miss?"

Uncle Sal rubbed the stubble on his chin. "What's the buy-in?"

"It's up to you."

"Well, it sounds like the sorta place I'd love to go to. Heck, I think it'd be a hit with any guy. Still, I don't know about it. If it was comin' from someone else, maybe I'd be more excited about it. 'Member when he got us to invest in Argentine cattle? Said it was a sleeper pick that a lot of folks was missin' out on. Well, it was a sleeper all right and it kept on sleepin'."

"Yeah, but...beer, pizza, hot chicks. It's got smash hit written all over it."

"I'm gonna have to think on it because I'm still kinda smartin' from the sly Dwight's past scheming."

This episode featured:
Francis Scott Kieszlowski as Giacomo
Nat Anthemms as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bandana.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Where do middle-aged women get all of them spice racks?"

Uncle Sal and the Haunted Huntsman (Episode 194)

Uncle Sal entered Rock Around the Cocktails and removed his Carlton trucker hat. As he walked toward his friend Seamus O'Haim, he saw the bartender touch a lit kitchen match to a drink and then set the flaming drink on the bar. Uncle Sal ordered two Grateful Deads, then sat on the stool next to Seamus.

"You all right, mate?" Seamus asked after he removed the See's Candies lollipop from his mouth.

"Feelin' pretty good. I already booked my deer huntin' trip for later this year."

"That's some advance planning. Deer season is still months away."

"Yeah, I know. But I'm going to a good spot, so I wanted to make sure I have everything in order early. It's this place in Pennsylvania, recommended to me by Ulric Gill."

Seamus sipped his Grateful Dead and said, "Gill? The albino?"

"He ain't an albino. Least he wasn't born one. What happened was this. Ulric was on his annual huntin' trip, but he and the other guys he was with, they didn't see nothin' for a couple days. Like the deer were hidin' from 'em. But they had the camp for an entire week, so they stayed." Uncle Sal took a big drink of his Grateful Dead, then popped a couple pistachios in his mouth.
Well, Ulric one day, he's gotta use the can, so he heads off into the woods with his book and toilet paper. As he's squatting there, along comes a buck. Now, you know what a rutting buck is like. Only one thing on his mind and he'll take anything close to what he's looking for. That buck charged Ulric, and Ulric with his pants around his ankles. Not for long of course. He hiked up his pants and started running away from that buck. I don't think the fastest man alive could have caught Ulric that day. He heads back toward the cabin and somehow he's able to stay ahead of that buck. He gets to the door of the cabin and tries the knob. He's too nervous, can't open the door. He tries again. Nothin' happens. So he turns with his back to the door, thinking this is the end. Well, before that buck could tear him to shreds, someone opened the door and Ulric fell right in. He just lay there catatonic on the floor for a good long while.

Uncle Sal checked the score of the Wombats game on the television above the bar. "He woke up the next morning, his hair was white and it don't matter how much time he spends in the sun. He stays white no matter what."

Seamus looked at Uncle Sal and said, "Are you trying to tell me..."

"That's right. It's the deer that made Gill chalky, Seamus."

This episode featured:
Arion Schlitz as Uncle Sal
"Milwaukee" Mike Barley as Seamus
and
Jellybean Merengue as the kitchen match.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hey, Morrissey. Kiss my big hairy butt."

Uncle Sal and the Student's Shortcomings (Episode 192)

Dan O'Toole had just finished his lunch in the Salvador Deli. Even though Uncle Sal was still working on his pastrami and giant pickle, Dan asked for the check.

After a big sip from his Cajun martini, Uncle Sal said, "Whoa! What's your hurry, chief?"

"Unfortunately, I can't stay. I have to go to my son's school for a conference with his teacher. I don't know what's happened this semester. He's normally so good with math, but right now he's getting a D."

Uncle Sal removed a napkin from the shrunken head napkin dispenser and said, "Maybe it's the teacher. A good teacher can make a big difference. Like in the town where I grew up, ya basically had to go through a whole family of teachers, starting with Old Man Roy. He taught basic algebra. Before ya ever got to his class, ya heard about how he'd throw chalkboard erasers at kids in his class that talked too much. Then ya find out the hard way the first time one of them erasers conked ya in the ol' coconut. And if he ever caught ya chewin' gum in his classroom, he'd make ya scrape all the old gum wads off the bottom of every desk."

The waitress set the check on the table and after another sip of his Cajun martini, Sal continued. "Ya spent so much time being terrified of him, ya didn't really learn nothin'. Then the next year, ya got his wife for geometry. Nice lady, and nice to look at, but she ain't a good teacher. She'd explain sump'n and if someone asked a question about it, she'd explain it the same way. Finally, you'd get the son Kingsley for advanced algebra. He was a real good teacher. I mean, it ain't easy to make kids learn algebra, but he was always lookin' for ways to make math fun. First time in my life I got an A in math, mostly because the guy was nothin' like his old man."

Dan signed the check and said, "You may be right. Maybe this teacher just isn't getting through to him."

"See if he can move into a class with a different teacher. Ya never know who's gonna be able to reach a kid. Think about it. I had three teachers in the same family, but the only Roy who could ever teach me was the son of a creature, Dan."

This episode featured:
Dusty Trayles as Dan O'Toole
Hans Springfield as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the shrunken head napkin dispenser.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Are gringos falling from the sky?"

Uncle Sal and the Disappointed Debutante (Episode 191)

Uncle Sal entered Jungle Jim's Juice Emporium and ordered a Guava Smash. As he waited to receive the drink, he saw Shayna, the big Motley Crue fan he had once drawn in chalk.

He adjusted his CAMPEON DEL MUNDO trucker hat and said, "Hey there, Shayna. How ya been?"

She squinted at him and it took a moment for her to recognize who he was. "Hey! Sam, right?"

"Sal."

"I never pegged you for a juice sort of guy, especially after seeing all those Spud's beer signs in your basement."

"Well, juice is good too. Besides, between you and me, that Guava Smash goes great with a little rum." He removed a miniature bottle of dark rum from his pocket and gave it a little shake.

Shayna handed him his drink and informed her manager that she was going to have a smoke. She asked Sal to join her outside on the bench. "I have to tell you something. It's very exciting news! I've been invited to this formal gala and I'm telling you, from the invitation, it sounds like a real-life Cinderella sort of deal. All the women are supposed to show up in beautiful gowns. I haven't gotten mine yet, but I know I'm going to look for something emerald. Green just looks so good on me. I can't tell you how excited I am to go to this. I mean, isn't this every girl's dream?"

Uncle Sal tipped the rum into his cup and sipped it. He smiled at the taste, then grimaced when he realized he had set his foot in a wad of gum on the ground. He wondered how she could talk so much without breathing.

"And the men have been instructed to dress up too. The whole thing: tails, ties, top hats, I imagine I'll even see a few monocles. Wouldn't that be something? I don't think I've ever been around someone wearing a monocle. The only thing the men can't wear is spats. Apparently, the host wants to be the only one wearing them."

"Spats?"

"Yeah, you know those things men wear over their shoes."

"I know what they are, but that's a curious request. First of all, who wears spats anymore. Well, except for one guy. Say, who invited you to this shindig?"

"A very rich, eccentric man who calls himself Baron von Lowenstein."

"That's what I thought. Listen, I know you're excited, but I don't think you should go. This guy, the baron, he's not someone you wanna hang out with, from what I hear. All his life, everything's been handed to him, including the money to buy his mansion. He's got more money'n he knows what to do with and that's why he dresses like he just stepped out of an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. Spats are his trademark cuz no one else wears them. Thing I hear is, he invites people like you over just so he can make fun of them in front of his rich friends and business partners."

Shayna had just taken a drag of her cigarette and exhaled it in a loud breath. "Really? So I won't get the chance to be like Cinderella?"

"Nope. You've been invited as a patsy by the brat in the spats."

This episode featured:
Pete "Mr. Peanut" Gatsby as Uncle Sal
Odelia Barnes as Shayna
and
Jellybean Merengue as the wad of gum.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I wish I was as big as you, but not so stupid."

Uncle Sal and the Colossal Cabeza (Episode 190)

Inside the Root Hog or Diner Uncle Sal stirred his bloody Mary with the celery stalk and took a sip. As he added more pepper to it, he saw Giacomo enter with a newspaper under his arm. Giacomo hung his coat on one of the hooks by the door, then went to the table where a white Russian was already waiting for him. He took a big sip and said, "Boy they sure know how to mix a drink here."

"One of the best reasons to come here."

Giacomo unfolded the newspaper and said, "Have you seen this picture?"

"I don't bother much with the newspaper anymore, 'cept the sports and the comics. Say, did you see Pearls Before Swine today? Them crocs sure are funny characters. Uncle Sal quickly swatted at a fly that had followed Giacomo to the table, then looked at the photo. It showed a red-faced Mayor Spoonbill jogging in a sweatshirt. "Don't seem like too big a deal. I've seen lotsa pictures of the mayor on his daily jog."

"But did you look at the caption?"

Uncle Sal looked more closely at the picture, then read the caption. The writer noted that the hood had been cut off of the mayor's hooded sweatshirt and intimated that perhaps it had been removed because it didn't fit over the mayor's "oversized dome."

Uncle Sal shook his head. "Boy, I never woulda gotten away with that when I wrote for a newspaper. Back then, we had to write about actual news, not the size of someone's melon. This kinda stuff is part of the reason I don't really read the paper no more. Ya got all these problems in the city and this writer's got nothin' better to do than wonder does the mayor fit in the hoods."

This episode featured:
Eddie "Goober" Nader as Uncle Sal
Dean Honcho as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the fly.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Mona Lisa was a man."

Uncle Sal and the Hopeful Hoopster (Episode 189)

Inside A Boy Named Sushi, Uncle Sal sat on his tatami across from Randy Osorio. "How've ya been, Randy?"

"I'm doing great!" Randy reached into his shirt pocket and removed a photo of a boy who looked about 15. "That's my sister's kid."

Uncle Sal removed his glasses from the pocket of his lime green guayabera shirt. He wished the guy would have had the decency to wait until some hot sake was on the table before bringing out the photo. "Which sister?"

"Loretta. Remember, she married Efrem Budal. The architect."

Uncle Sal glanced at the photo, then asked a passing waiter to bring some hot sake. Nothing like sushi and hot sake to precede a good afternoon nap.

"He's tall."

"Can you believe it? The kid has grown seven inches since Christmas. He's six-five now and he's probably not done growing. And you know what's the best part?"

Uncle Sal used chopsticks to pick up a gyoza that Randy had ordered and popped it into his mouth.

"Loretta wants me to practice basketball with him. It's been a while since high school, but I can still shoot the ball. And teach him how to get rebounds."

Uncle Sal chewed the gyoza. He remembered Randy's days as a power forward at the local high school, but didn't remember those days as anything noteworthy.

"I mean, just look at the kid. OK, he could stand to put on some muscle. But he's going to be bigger than almost every kid he plays against. If I teach him some good post moves, he could probably dominate those other kids. And then he might start getting some attention from colleges. Wouldn't that be great? My nephew playing big-time college ball?"

"Well, I don't know if he'll be interested in basketball. Or if he'll be any good. But he sure is a lanky Budal, Randy."

This episode featured:
Oscar Robertson Wilde as Uncle Sal
Simon "Spike" Krzyzewski as Randy
and
Jellybean Merengue as the tatami.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The world is your oyster. It's too bad you're allergic to shellfish."

Uncle Sal and the Shunned Statesman (Episode 188)

Uncle Sal walked to the counter of the body shop where the lowering springs on his Dodge Dart were being replaced. Giacomo looked at a blue pine tree air freshener, then saw the mechanic coming to the counter. His greasy work shirt had a patch above the pocket with the name Hung. Giacomo sipped his latte spiked with Kahlua and narrowed his eyes as Hung began to talk to Uncle Sal.

"Sal, good to see you. Your car is almost done. Just give me 15 more minutes to finish and clean up the car a little bit."

Uncle Sal sat down in one of the naugahyde chairs in the waiting area and opened a package of dried wasabi peas. As Hung went back to the shop, Giacomo asked, "Why does that guy look so familiar?"

"That's Hung Nguyen. He used to be on the city council."

"He didn't get re-elected?"

"Didn't even run. He got tired of all the political games. In the last election, three seats were open, including his. He was a pretty good city councilman, but you can never be too sure in politics. So, he goes around to the other members of his party, looking for endorsements. Ya know how it is in politics. Sometimes, it ain't about what a candidate stands for. It's about who he knows and who endorses him." Uncle Sal opened a can of Clamato that had been in his pocket and took a big sip. "Well, all of his allies said they would be on his side. They all swore they would endorse him. Only, he had the nerve to disagree with them on a couple issues. Well, a couple weeks before the election, he finds that all of his allies had endorsed him at first, but then changed their endorsements. They all got behind this hot new candidate name of Brandt Hartley. This kid, he's got the right education and everything. But more than that, he agrees with all of the people in his party, and he can be controlled a little easier than Hung ever could."

"Wow! So, just like that he's out of politics for good."

"Yup. He's just too honest. But I ain't complainin' cuz now he's the Nguyen beneath my springs."

This episode featured:
Harris "Boss" Tweed as Uncle Sal
Gerry Mander as Giacomo
Stump Fitzhume as Hung Nguyen
and
Jellybean Merengue as the air freshener.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Something stinks in suburbia."

Thanks to Jeff Johnson for inspiring the clincher in this episode.