Ask Uncle Sal: Super-size edition

Dear Uncle Sal, I saw this sign the other day. What on earth does it mean? Watch out for tandem hula hoop people? Puzzled in Plattsburgh

Puzzled, that's a pretty good guess. From what I unnerstand, Medford, Oregon, once had a problem with tandem hula hoopers gettin' hit by oncoming traffic. But this sign is sump'n else entirely. I happen to know that this sign originated in Lexington, Kentucky. In case ya didn't know, Lexington was named the fattest city in the US last year. While this sign looks like it's warning you to beware of tandem hula hoopers, it really means look out for people that are so big, they have other people orbiting around 'em. I'd say that's a pretty good warning.

Dear Uncle Sal: The other day I seen this woman at the park riding one of them 'lectric moving chairs. Her legs was splayed outward (cuz o her fat apron which hung down about midcalf), and her body looked like a giant soft serve cone with a cherry on top for a head. When you yourself sees something like that, what do you do to git the image out o your head? Booze aint workin. Reelin' in Rehoboth

Reelin' lemme guess, this woman was wearin' a floral-print muumuu. Silly question, I know. Course she was wearin' a muumuu cuz she can't fit in nothin' else. Anywho, I ain't sayin' I personally do this when I need to get an image outta my head. Booze usually works for me. Here's what I'm gonna recommend to you to get the image of that woman outta yer coconut. Ready for this? Think about yer friends. Now think about yer least attractive friend. Prolly some big hairy guy. Now imagine that guy wearin' nothin' but suntan oil and a Speedo, sittin' by the pool eatin' a chocolate and hot dog sundae with extra mayo and makin' time with yer girl. I reckon that'll get the image of that Lark rider right outta that head o' yers.

Ask Uncle Sal: motor oil and housewives

I don't want to give anyone ideas with the title of this one. I ain't proposin' some sort of new sexual warmup. Those just happen to be the two topics covered in this edition.

Holy crap, Uncle Sal! I wasn't talking about my woman. Sheila is my motorbike. I just wanted to know a good motor oil. What gave you the idea I was talking about a woman? Yearning in Yakutat

Yearning, ya mighta told me before that Sheila was a motorbike. Ya think I like researchin' lubes? Never mind that! Ya know how many showers I had to take after asking Sven Hungus to answer yer question. that guy has more robes than any one guy has a right to. And I never seen so many oils outside a Philippine massage parlor (I tell ya, if ya ever get the chance, try one of them out...best massage you'll ever have.) And what gave me the idea Sheila is a woman? Ya called her Sheila. That's a chick's name, ya doofus! Plus, all that stuff in yer letter gave me no reason to suspect ya were talkin' about a bike. Now ya got me all worked up. Hang on.
OK, a belt of whiskey is just what I needed there. Now, onto yer question. Ya want a good oil for Sheila? Try AMSOIL Synthetic. I reckon it's as good an oil as ya can find for Sheila.

Uncle Sal, what is the deal with all these Real Housewives shows? I swear my girl was just watching The Real Housewives of Las Cruces. Reality (TV) Bites

Imagine a little person on this.

I gotta be honest with ya, Reality. I have no idea what is so charming about these shows. Seems like every one of 'em (and I ain't seen more'n a minute of any one) is about six women who are supposedly friends but snipe at each other alla time. From what I seen, ya can almost hear these chicks getting coached on the "real" set of the show. I can't even imagine why people find this entertaining. Me, I'd rather go to sump'n like an event I once saw in Casper, Wyoming, where a midget...ermm...little person jumped a pocket rocket motorcycle over four Buick Centurys through a flaming hoop and into a pool filled with whipped cream. But maybe that's just me. Apparently, a lot more folks is entertained by a bunch of women cussin' at each other than little people on little bikes. I got no explanation for it, but like they said in Raising Arizona:
"It's a crazy world."
"Someone oughta sell tickets."
Tell ya what, if someone does sell tickets, I want the beer concession.

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Ask Uncle Sal: lubricants and Cup contenders

Yeah, I know. It's been a couple weeks since the last edition of Ask Uncle Sal. I ran into a little predicament in Santa Fe with a professional billiards player, a Korean sous chef, two bottles of absinthe, and three bungee cords.

Dear Uncle Sal: I'm looking for a good lubricant for my Sheila. She just came into my life, and it's rough-going getting her revved up, if you know what I mean, because of her age. I like to take that long, slow ride, but it's no fun feeling all that roughness under me as I'm trying to start her up. Can you help me out? Yearning in Yakutat

Hmmm...well it seems like I have unwittingly insinuated myself into someone's boudoir. I can't say that's the most comfortable position for me, but I'm here to answer your questions. Or at least someone is. See, I would prolly just advise you to find someone younger than this Sheila. But I guess if yer Australian, I would just say find a younger Sheila. First, I think you'll find she won't need as much revving up, especially if she's in her early 20s. Second, I think that with a younger Sheila, you can take as long and slow a ride as you want and she ain't gonna complain, if ya know what I mean. As for the roughness. Well, some Sheilas like that sorta thing. Anyway, I called on self-proclaimed sexologist Sven Hungus to answer your questions about lube.
Yearning, I admire your frankness in looking for lubes. I must say, I have tried them all and the best thing I can tell you is to use one that's water-based. My personal favorite is Maximus. It's never let me down and I've used it plenty. Now some guys find they just can't buy lube when they make that trip to the adult fun store. If that's the case with you, then I'm with Uncle Sal. Find a younger Sheila.

Dear Uncle Sal, can the Kings win the Stanley Cup this year? Hrudey Can't Fail

Sure the Kings can win the Stanley Cup this year. And tap water might start tastin' like a fine Islay Scotch. I'll tell ya one thing for sure. If the Kings do win the Cup this year, the population of LA will decrease. No, not because of riots, but because those fans that always say, "I can die happy if the Kings win the Cup" will. Die, that is. All three of 'em.