Ask Uncle Sal: Super-size edition

Dear Uncle Sal, I saw this sign the other day. What on earth does it mean? Watch out for tandem hula hoop people? Puzzled in Plattsburgh

Puzzled, that's a pretty good guess. From what I unnerstand, Medford, Oregon, once had a problem with tandem hula hoopers gettin' hit by oncoming traffic. But this sign is sump'n else entirely. I happen to know that this sign originated in Lexington, Kentucky. In case ya didn't know, Lexington was named the fattest city in the US last year. While this sign looks like it's warning you to beware of tandem hula hoopers, it really means look out for people that are so big, they have other people orbiting around 'em. I'd say that's a pretty good warning.

Dear Uncle Sal: The other day I seen this woman at the park riding one of them 'lectric moving chairs. Her legs was splayed outward (cuz o her fat apron which hung down about midcalf), and her body looked like a giant soft serve cone with a cherry on top for a head. When you yourself sees something like that, what do you do to git the image out o your head? Booze aint workin. Reelin' in Rehoboth

Reelin' lemme guess, this woman was wearin' a floral-print muumuu. Silly question, I know. Course she was wearin' a muumuu cuz she can't fit in nothin' else. Anywho, I ain't sayin' I personally do this when I need to get an image outta my head. Booze usually works for me. Here's what I'm gonna recommend to you to get the image of that woman outta yer coconut. Ready for this? Think about yer friends. Now think about yer least attractive friend. Prolly some big hairy guy. Now imagine that guy wearin' nothin' but suntan oil and a Speedo, sittin' by the pool eatin' a chocolate and hot dog sundae with extra mayo and makin' time with yer girl. I reckon that'll get the image of that Lark rider right outta that head o' yers.