Ask Uncle Sal: lubricants and Cup contenders

Yeah, I know. It's been a couple weeks since the last edition of Ask Uncle Sal. I ran into a little predicament in Santa Fe with a professional billiards player, a Korean sous chef, two bottles of absinthe, and three bungee cords.

Dear Uncle Sal: I'm looking for a good lubricant for my Sheila. She just came into my life, and it's rough-going getting her revved up, if you know what I mean, because of her age. I like to take that long, slow ride, but it's no fun feeling all that roughness under me as I'm trying to start her up. Can you help me out? Yearning in Yakutat

Hmmm...well it seems like I have unwittingly insinuated myself into someone's boudoir. I can't say that's the most comfortable position for me, but I'm here to answer your questions. Or at least someone is. See, I would prolly just advise you to find someone younger than this Sheila. But I guess if yer Australian, I would just say find a younger Sheila. First, I think you'll find she won't need as much revving up, especially if she's in her early 20s. Second, I think that with a younger Sheila, you can take as long and slow a ride as you want and she ain't gonna complain, if ya know what I mean. As for the roughness. Well, some Sheilas like that sorta thing. Anyway, I called on self-proclaimed sexologist Sven Hungus to answer your questions about lube.
Yearning, I admire your frankness in looking for lubes. I must say, I have tried them all and the best thing I can tell you is to use one that's water-based. My personal favorite is Maximus. It's never let me down and I've used it plenty. Now some guys find they just can't buy lube when they make that trip to the adult fun store. If that's the case with you, then I'm with Uncle Sal. Find a younger Sheila.

Dear Uncle Sal, can the Kings win the Stanley Cup this year? Hrudey Can't Fail

Sure the Kings can win the Stanley Cup this year. And tap water might start tastin' like a fine Islay Scotch. I'll tell ya one thing for sure. If the Kings do win the Cup this year, the population of LA will decrease. No, not because of riots, but because those fans that always say, "I can die happy if the Kings win the Cup" will. Die, that is. All three of 'em.