Uncle Sal and the Pulverized Porter (Episode 170)

Giacomo and his new girlfriend Ramya piled into the Dodge Dart behind Uncle Sal and Alice. As Giacomo settled into his seat, Uncle Sal said, "Those are some sweet shoes, Giacomo. What are those? Bowling shoes?"

"Yeah."

Uncle Sal brushed some snowflakes off of his Bob Knows Best t-shirt and said, "Say, that reminds me. How is your bowling team shaping up this season."

Giacomo exhaled a long breath, then popped a piece of watermelon gum into his mouth. "Not so good. Grover has some cracked ribs and it's not going to be easy finding someone to replace him."

Uncle Sal winced, then took a sip of double espresso from his Stax Records travel mug. "Cracked ribs? How'd that happen?"

"Well, you know Grover works at the airport with a guy named Juan Guzman. Juan works out like you wouldn't believe. The guy has a chest like a keg and huge arms. I mean, if you needed a tree stump pulled out of your yard, you could probably call him to do it with no tools but his own hands. Anyway, there was this Hutu priest that came to town for some conference or other. He travels with all of his possessions in a trunk. It's a way for him to keep from accumulating things he doesn't need. So, Juan is up on the trailer with all the bags from the plane and he's throwing them down to Grover. Well, when he picked up that trunk, he didn't think anything of it. To him, it probably felt like a stack of paper. But he threw it off of the trailer. Grover saw it coming and tried to get out of the way, but couldn't do it. It caught him in the side and cracked three of his ribs."

Uncle Sal gritted his teeth and said, "Boy, I feel for the guy. And now your bowling team needs another solid member because Juan threw Grover the Hutu's chest."

This episode featured.
Rudy "The Foot" Locker as Giacomo
Sally Pinns as Ramya
Lucius Crates as Giacomo
Antoinette Chiffonier as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the watermelon gum.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Have you ever won a fruit lamp as a door prize at a rock show?"

Uncle Sal and the Blue-Collar Bowler (Episode 145)

As Uncle Sal strapped on his orange and mustard yellow bowling shoes at lane 9 of The Chicken Bowl, he asked Giacomo, "We're rolling against Lukasz Zumieski and Zoom Hardware tonight, right?"

Giacomo adjusted his wristguard and said, "That's right."

Uncle Sal looked toward the counter and said, "Say, isn't that Tony 'The Gel' Gelfrido over there?"

"It sure is."

"But he's a professional bowler. What's he doing here? And why is he wearing a Zumieski Hardware bowling shirt?"

"Haven't you heard? He's not a professional bowler anymore. Remember, he had hat match against The Hungarian Hammer? He won the first game easy. I mean, it looked like he was just going to walk away with another tournament championship. But then, in the first frame of the second game, he ended up with a tough split. He missed it. I mean, an open frame for him was pretty unusual. Well, that match didn't get any better for him. He lost the first two games by a bigger margin than he had won the first one. It was just one loss, but after that The Gel seemed like he lost all confidence. He stopped winning tournaments. In fact, he didn't even come close. I don't think he made it to the quarterfinals of any event after that. Then his wife left him, for, get this, a used car salesman. After that, he kind of gave up bowling altogether. But now, he's moved back to town."

"Mmm-hmm. And it's for Zoom The Gel rolls."

This episode featured:
Mauricio "Ten" Pinsternack as Uncle Sal
Logan Streicher as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the wristguard.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Those Yankees are real turds."

Uncle Sal and the Consumed Collector (Episode 121)

At lane 17 of the Chicken Bowl, Uncle Sal put his skull design bowling ball in the ball return and sat across from Cedric "Deep" Welles as he put on his shoes. Cedric removed a blue-haired troll doll (his good luck charm) from his bowling bag, looked at Uncle Sal's Welcome Back Kotter sweater vest and said, "Hey, you know who would love that shirt? My friend Bertie Rigmoramus."

Uncle Sal flagged down a waitress and ordered a Spud's.

"Bertie is a big fan of Welcome Back Kotter. I mean, he knows every episode by heart. And he has the entire series on DVD. I tell ya, I don't think I ever seen anyone so devoted to a television program. He's got a room all done up with memorabilia of the show: trading cards, lunchboxes, stickers, you name it. Of course, he's single. No woman would tolerate a room like that. I bet he don't have a sweater vest though."

Uncle Sal grabbed his ball and took a practice roll, a strike. He had the feeling it was going to be a good night at the lanes.

Cedric continued his story. "So Bertie, he's been going on eBay, looking for all the Kotter memorabilia he can find. His latest thing is, someone made a line of t-shirts. Each t-shirt features a different Sweathog on it. Seems he's got all of 'em except for Vinny Barbarino. Can't for the life of him find the t-shirt with Vinny on it. That ain't hard to imagine of course. It's probably the most valuable one since John Travolta is such a big star. Thing is, Bertie would give anything for that shirt if he could find one. He's just crazy about the whole thing. Obsessed, you might say."

After a sip of his Spud's Uncle Sal looked at Cedric and said, "I'll admit it seems pretty odd, but your friend has clearly convinced himself that Bertie needs one shirt, Deep."

This episode featured:
Irv "Gutter" Ball as Uncle Sal
Henrik "7-10" Splittorf as Cedric
Laine Kryplewicz as the waitress
and
Jellybean Merengue as the blue-haired troll doll.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "When it comes to women, does anybody really want the facts?"

Uncle Sal and The Purple Pheasant (Episode 100)

Uncle Sal woke up to see Giacomo sitting to his left and Alice to his right. He blinked a few times, then shook his head. The pain made him close his eyes tight and grimace with pain. He looked around the room, then looked at Alice. "Where am I?"

Alice put her hand to her mouth and cleared her throat. Giacomo, realizing that she was too uncomfortable to tell him, jumped in. "You're in The Purple Pheasant swingers club."

Uncle Sal perused the room another time. "That explains all the velvet."

Alice arched one eybrow and said, "What exactly were you doing here, Sal?"

He shook his head and again the base of his skull screamed with pain. "Yow! I think someone musta given me the Philip Marlowe treatment. My head is killing me."

Alice remained with her eyebrow raised and her arms crossed. After a couple blinks, Uncle Sal said, "Heck if I know. I didn't even know this place was here. And it ain't the kinda place I'd frequent. I ain't got enough satin in my wardrobe ta visit a place like this."

"I brought him in here," came a voice from the door.

All heads turned to look at the man who held a meerschaum pipe in his right hand. He was dressed in a mauve velvet smoking jacket and a pair of red polka-dot boxers. "Well, I just couldn't leave him...where he was. Not when he was...shall I say, incapacitated."

Uncle Sal squinted and said, "Fred Bourse, is that you? Holy haddock! You more or less disappeared after Ten shut down."

The man in the smoking jacket bowed.

"Uncle Sal, you know this guy?"

"Sure I do. He used to work at that topless bowling alley called Ten down in Alpharetta, Georgia. And lemme tell ya, that didn't just describe the number of pins. It also was the perfect description of a lotta the waitresses worked there." Sensing Alice's glare, he continued. "Matter of fact, it was his idea to make the place topless. He did all the research about what permits were needed and all that. Place coulda been there forever if they'd only listened to him. Only thing is, he got submarined, by this guy Zane Fiskie and his own brother." Uncle Sal removed his glasses and put them in the pocket of his Association of Blond Latvian Engineers. "See this guy, every idea he has is gold. His brother and Fiskie could see that, and they got a little jealous. This guy here, he always had the boss's ear while those other two yahoos spent a lot of time chasing their tails. Anywho, these guys get it inta their heads that they need to take Fred down so maybe their ideas can be heard. If they had any ideas, that is. And they know just the way to do it. They start spreadin' rumors that Fred is an alcoholic. Well, it wasn't long after that, Fred got fired."

Fred jumped in. "And that was when my drinking problem actually started. Well, after I had been out of work for a while. Here I was, an honest worker, and no one would hire me because they had heard I was an alcoholic. Not just in Alpharetta either. I went to Mississippi, Louisiana, Florida, and couldn't get hired anywhere. I was really upset by it. And frankly, I did disappear for a while. Because of my anger and my depression, I disappeared into a bottle, then I disappeared into rehab. I've been back on my feet ever since I opened this place. Best move I ever made. I'll tell you that for nothing."

"Say, Fred. Didn't that bowling alley go under shortly after they let you go?"

"It did. All the people in charge didn't care what I had accomplished there. They heard the rumors and they believed them all completely. Funny thing is, I guess it wasn't really funny...my brother left that place shortly after I did. Fiskie sold him out too. My brother and I ended up in rehab together. It was not exactly the proudest time for my family."

Alice nodded and glanced first at Fred, then at Sal. She said, "I see what you're saying. You're saying that this man's drinking problem started because no one would book a miffed Bourse in the south."

Giacomo narrowed his eyes. "I think what the real point of the story is that at first, the topless bowling alley sacked the wrong Bourse."

"No, no, no. That ain't what I'm trying to say at all. What I'm saying is that all of Fred's good ideas didn't matter because in the end, it was Fiskie for the Ten and beer for the Bourses."

This episode featured:

Ebel Flowe as Uncle Sal

Early Turize as Giacomo

Oksana Plaine as Alice

Hugh "Georgie" Mann as Fred Bourse

and

Jellybean Merengue as the meerschaum pipe.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The man is obviously a psychotic."

NOTE: Thanks to loyal readers Jon Lee "Hooker" for suggesting the 3-for-1 special and Dave Moeggenberg for his suggestion about the setting of this landmark episode.

Uncle Sal and the Relieved Roller (Episode 44)

Uncle Sal sat down next to Ilse in one of the chairs at lane 12 of the Chicken Bowl and removed his forest green and rust colored wingtips. "Who'd ya say is gonna be our fourth, Giacomo?"

"Frankie Fatone."

"Frankie Fatone? That guy who's about as smart as a bowl of gravy? And just as handsome?"

"OK, so he's not the smartest guy in the world."

"Not the smartest guy in the world? He's barely the smartest guy in his own shirt. 'Member the time he broke his nose tryin' to go through a door before he turned the knob?"

"Yeah, I remember. But he's a great bowler. He will really help us in this league. As long as he's not preoccupied."

Uncle Sal chortled. "What can possibly preoccupy Fatone, 'cept where he's gonna get his next donut?"

"Well, his ex-girlfriend just had a baby boy named Ross. She's been trying to say that Frankie is the father, but he knows he isn't. Ross was conceived sometime after Frankie and his girlfriend broke up and she moved to Oklahoma. Doesn't seem to make any difference to her. She keeps hounding him, saying he's the father and she's gonna sue him for child support."

"Why on earth would she do that? Don't she know that Fatone is always as broke as a man can get? And don't she know that if her baby come from that gene pool, well, there ain't much hope for the little fella? Besides, don't she know that away from him is the best place she can be?" Uncle Sal slipped his right foot into the bowling shoe and fastened the Velcro strap. "I imagine Frankie is pretty relieved about the whole thing."

"Yeah, of course. Wouldn't you be?"

"Heck, I am relieved, just knowing that bowling Fatone didn't father no Ross."

This episode featured:
Ulysses Weiss as Uncle Sal
Milagros Jorgensen as Giacomo
Imelda Nadeau as Ilse
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Velcro strap

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I don't want no foo-foo haircut sittin' on my head."

[8 June 2008]