Uncle Sal and the Colossal Cabeza (Episode 190)

Inside the Root Hog or Diner Uncle Sal stirred his bloody Mary with the celery stalk and took a sip. As he added more pepper to it, he saw Giacomo enter with a newspaper under his arm. Giacomo hung his coat on one of the hooks by the door, then went to the table where a white Russian was already waiting for him. He took a big sip and said, "Boy they sure know how to mix a drink here."

"One of the best reasons to come here."

Giacomo unfolded the newspaper and said, "Have you seen this picture?"

"I don't bother much with the newspaper anymore, 'cept the sports and the comics. Say, did you see Pearls Before Swine today? Them crocs sure are funny characters. Uncle Sal quickly swatted at a fly that had followed Giacomo to the table, then looked at the photo. It showed a red-faced Mayor Spoonbill jogging in a sweatshirt. "Don't seem like too big a deal. I've seen lotsa pictures of the mayor on his daily jog."

"But did you look at the caption?"

Uncle Sal looked more closely at the picture, then read the caption. The writer noted that the hood had been cut off of the mayor's hooded sweatshirt and intimated that perhaps it had been removed because it didn't fit over the mayor's "oversized dome."

Uncle Sal shook his head. "Boy, I never woulda gotten away with that when I wrote for a newspaper. Back then, we had to write about actual news, not the size of someone's melon. This kinda stuff is part of the reason I don't really read the paper no more. Ya got all these problems in the city and this writer's got nothin' better to do than wonder does the mayor fit in the hoods."

This episode featured:
Eddie "Goober" Nader as Uncle Sal
Dean Honcho as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the fly.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Mona Lisa was a man."

Uncle Sal and the Shunned Statesman (Episode 188)

Uncle Sal walked to the counter of the body shop where the lowering springs on his Dodge Dart were being replaced. Giacomo looked at a blue pine tree air freshener, then saw the mechanic coming to the counter. His greasy work shirt had a patch above the pocket with the name Hung. Giacomo sipped his latte spiked with Kahlua and narrowed his eyes as Hung began to talk to Uncle Sal.

"Sal, good to see you. Your car is almost done. Just give me 15 more minutes to finish and clean up the car a little bit."

Uncle Sal sat down in one of the naugahyde chairs in the waiting area and opened a package of dried wasabi peas. As Hung went back to the shop, Giacomo asked, "Why does that guy look so familiar?"

"That's Hung Nguyen. He used to be on the city council."

"He didn't get re-elected?"

"Didn't even run. He got tired of all the political games. In the last election, three seats were open, including his. He was a pretty good city councilman, but you can never be too sure in politics. So, he goes around to the other members of his party, looking for endorsements. Ya know how it is in politics. Sometimes, it ain't about what a candidate stands for. It's about who he knows and who endorses him." Uncle Sal opened a can of Clamato that had been in his pocket and took a big sip. "Well, all of his allies said they would be on his side. They all swore they would endorse him. Only, he had the nerve to disagree with them on a couple issues. Well, a couple weeks before the election, he finds that all of his allies had endorsed him at first, but then changed their endorsements. They all got behind this hot new candidate name of Brandt Hartley. This kid, he's got the right education and everything. But more than that, he agrees with all of the people in his party, and he can be controlled a little easier than Hung ever could."

"Wow! So, just like that he's out of politics for good."

"Yup. He's just too honest. But I ain't complainin' cuz now he's the Nguyen beneath my springs."

This episode featured:
Harris "Boss" Tweed as Uncle Sal
Gerry Mander as Giacomo
Stump Fitzhume as Hung Nguyen
and
Jellybean Merengue as the air freshener.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Something stinks in suburbia."

Thanks to Jeff Johnson for inspiring the clincher in this episode.