Uncle Sal and the Prolific Prankster (Episode 144)

Uncle Sal set his bottle of Spud's down on the table and settled into his chair at the Fraternal Order of Grackles meeting. After a sip of his beer, he said to Giacomo, "Who's that guy across the room looks like the cat that just ate the canary?"

"That's Cy Wojciechowski, he's the recorder of the organization. Anything that's ever happened in this chapter of the Grackles, he knows about it."

"Why's he look like he's up to sump'n?"

"Probably because he is up to something. He's not only the recorder, he's also the resident prankster." Giacomo downed one of his oyster shooters and said, "He's always pulling pranks on guys, especially with their cars."

Uncle Sal adjusted his Beleaguered Beaver watch and said, "Not like sugar in the gas tank or anything like that?"

"No, nothing that damages the car. He never actually does any of the stuff. It would be too suspicious if he got up during the meeting. So, he sends some of his buddies out to mess with a guy's car. One time, this guy Mike Hawke, he's almost as big a fan of the Wombats as you. Well, his car ended up with Go Mudskippers painted on his windows. With that paint that washes off really easily. Another guy had a Ford Ranchero, and after the meeting, he went out to find his car filled with shaving cream balloons. I mean, his car was packed. He had to be really careful getting the balloons out so the shaving cream didn't explode all over his interior."

"And now he's looking for his next victim?"

"Probably."

"Well, I don't know what they're cooking up over there, but whatever it is, it's got Cy Wojo smirking."

This episode featured:
"Blue" Gene Edbom as Uncle Sal
Maurice "Memphis Mo" Fournier as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the oyster shooter.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "My woman got a cross-eyed cat."

Uncle Sal and the Feckless Fielder (Episode 139)

Uncle Sal settled into his seat at his first Wombats game of the year. It didn't take long before he was voicing his displeasure, and not about the nacho cheese on his turquoise Wombats replica jersey. A Mudskippers player hit an easy ground ball to the shortstop Al Derman. The displeasure came when Derman let the ball go through his legs into the outfield.

"Boy, Giacomo. I can't believe the Wombats can't find anybody better'n Derman at shortstop."

"It's still early in the season. Maybe he'll come around."

"Not from what I read about the guy. Seems he's got a reputation for having a skillet at the end of his arm instead of a baseball mitt. Reminds me of a guy on the team when I played for the Wombats. Second baseman by the name of Rob Leffenwaffel. I tell ya, the guy couldn't field a beach ball." Uncle Sal washed a nacho down with a big gulp of Spud's.

"You could hit the slowest ground ball known to man, and Leffenwaffel would find a way to get that ball into the outfield. Only reason he ever saw the field was because he was all we had. Anyway, we had one game where ol' Leffenwaffel had three errors in a single inning. It was so bad, the manager put me, a right fielder, in at second base. Well, after the game, the manager is really leanin' into Leffenwaffel. Tellin' him he's tired of seeing so many errors. He explains what he wants. He wants Leffenwaffel to carry a ball in his mitt all the time: in the shower, when he eats, when he sleeps. Just so Leffenwaffel can get used to the feeling of a ball in his mitt. Coach knew it wasn't gonna happen any other way."

"You mean..."

"That's right. After so many errors all the time, the manager finally told him, 'Take this, Rob, and glove it.'"

This episode featured:
Ty "Corny" Cobham as Uncle Sal
Cy "Young" Francklinstein as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the nacho cheese.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Salvation is a last-minute business, boy."

Uncle Sal and the Bitten Baseballer (Episode 137)

Uncle Sal removed his tangerine-colored balmoral cap and settled in next to Joe at The Crow Bar. He motioned for a Spud's and a shot of whiskey and glanced at the flat screen television behind the bar and saw the score of the Wombats game. The team was losing by three runs but it was still in the early innings.

"Say, Joe. Didja see the game last night?"

"No, I missed it."

"But ya heard about it, right? The incident with Arn Freeberg?"

"Yeah, I heard about it. Pretty crazy stuff."

"You don't know the half of it. I talked to the third base coach this morning. He gave me the story. Seems when Freeberg came up to bat in the ninth with a chance to win the game, the catcher Palmeiro was talkin' all kinda junk tryin' to get into Arn's head. He was throwin' all kinda stuff at him. You know, that Freeberg's wife was pregnant with Palmeiro's kid, that Arn's wife was workin' at a local strip club. That he couldn't hit a watermelon with a sledge hammer. Y'know, the sort of stuff ballplayers have been sayin' forever, tryin'a get into the opponent's head. Well, that was all well and good, but then just before the pitch where Freeberg struck out to end the game, Palmeiro called Arn's mom a Swedish meatball. Everyone knows Freeberg's mom is a Finn."

"And that's why he bit Palmeiro?"

"That's the story I got from the third base coach. Just goes to show you, when you mention his mama, you're talkin' on the bitin' side of Free."

This episode featured:
Errol "Strawberry" Fielder as Uncle Sal
Gunther Mounds as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the television.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Lady, you need some Band-Aids."

Uncle Sal and the Blundering Baseballers (Episode 113)

Uncle Sal looked at the sports section, shook his head and said, "Hmmmmm."

Alice glanced across the table at him and said, "What seems to be the trouble, Sal."

After a glance at his Gregarious Gnu watch, he said, "The trouble is that the playoffs start next week and the Wombats look like they're falling apart. I never seen a sorrier buncha saps than these guys. Take this story, for instance. It's in the police report part of the sports section. Seems like the Wombats power hitter, that's a guy called Stokes Benchley, got himself into trouble. He gets pulled over a couple nights ago. The cops, they say they was pulling him over because he had a tail light out. But when they get to his car, they find he's got a prostitute and a small amount of marijuana on the seat. Turns out, that was only the beginning. They asked him to pop the trunk and found a couple kilos of dope in there."

The waitress arrived with Alice's soft-boiled egg and toast, and Uncle Sal's corned beef hash with home fries. Sal immediately doused his fries with hot sauce and ketchup and continued.

"Then ya got Frankie Meyer, who flipped out when the Wombats were on the road. Meyer, he's an obsessive-compulsive neat freak. But when they were on the road, he roomed with the shortstop, who apparently is a total slob. Well, three days of rooming with this guy, and Meyer had a complete breakdown."

Uncle Sal shoveled some hash into his mouth and said, "You believe these guys?"

Alice was never sure what to say when Sal got to ranting about the Wombats. She merely shook her head. Although she didn't really need to say anything.

"I can't believe 'em, that's for sure. Two days away from the playoffs and you got Stokes on the blotter and Meyer in the sty."

This episode featured:
Deepak "Purple" Singh as Uncle Sal
Lizette Stoneman as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the soft-boiled egg.

Tune in next week, when Uncle Sal says, "This is gonna take crackerjack timing, Wang."

Uncle Sal and the Timid Tweeter (Episode 101)

The first pitch of the Wombats game had just been made when Giacomo removed his phone from his pocket and looked at the display. He grimaced, pushed a few keys and slid the phone back into his pocket.

"Whatta ya doin, Giacomo? Yer makin' phone calls during the game?"

"Someone just sent me a message on Twitter."

"Twitter? The heck is that?"

"It's this social networking site. You get 140 characters to tell all of your followers what you're doing right now." He removed his phone again and showed his Twitter home page to Uncle Sal. On the display were messages like "Getting a latte at the coffee shop" and "Just lost a hand with a full house."

Uncle Sal scrunched up his face like he had smelled something foul and said, "What's the point? Seems like a giant waste of time."

"I'm beginning to think the same thing. I just heard so many people talk about it that I wanted to try it myself. This guy Paul Porrola that just messaged me is making me nuts. I think I might have to end my Twitter experiment just because of him."

Uncle Sal sipped overpriced beer from his 32-ounce Wombats cup ("It's like two beers in one cup!") and said, "What's his deal?"

"We went to high school together. I see him from time to time. But almost as soon as I created an account on Twitter, he found me. Probably because he wastes all of every day at this blasted thing. He only adds friends and models. And he's always sending me messages asking me to guess who he was just Twittering with. Inevitably, he tells me the name of some model I never heard of. But he thinks it's the greatest thing in the world that these beautiful women somehow recognize his existence. The only thing is, he would never have the guts to talk to these women if he saw them in person. The last time I hung out with him, he just kept saying, 'Look at that chick! She is so hot!' And I would tell him to go talk to any or all of the women he pointed out. He never did though. But now he thinks he's a big deal because some model thanks him for telling her how beautiful she is."

"Well, it does take a lot less courage to send a brief message than to actually speak to someone. Just goes to show you: Paul, that Twitters, is not bold."

This episode featured:

Lon Dartz as Giacomo

Homer Unberg as Uncle Sal

and

Jellybean Merengue as the 32-ounce Wombats cup.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?"

Uncle Sal and the Soused Southpaw (Episode 68)

Uncle Sal sat on the park bench next to Alice and opened the newspaper. He saw a story about the Wombats and began to read it aloud.

"Wouldja lookit that? The Wombats just signed Tank Loeb." Alice didn't look up from her romance novel. "Left-handed pitcher." Alice's interest still wasn't piqued. "You might think they call him Tank because he's a big, solid guy. Guy's no bigger than I am. If anything, he's probably skinnier."

Alice set her romance novel down on her lap and said, "Then why in the world do they call him Tank?"

"Guy is always drunk. You wouldn't know it to look at him. He holds his alcohol pretty good, especially for a guy his size. It all started one day when Tank shows up to the park and he's still drunk from the night before. Guy's gotta pitch against the division leader and he's still drunk. The manager, he didn't have any other pitcher to put out there, so he told Tank that he better sober up real quick. That wasn't the way Tank operated. He took a little hair of the dog, then he warmed up for the game."

Uncle Sal adjusted his Prussian blue cowboy hat and shooed a fly before continuing his story. "Wouldn'tcha know it? Tank was drunk as a monkey and pitching the best game of his life. Pitched a no-hitter that day. He figgers from then on, he better pitch while he was drunk. This is genius. He figgered out a way to put a little flask into one of the fingers of his glove. Then when he brought his glove up to his face, he'd take a little sip. He's been way better ever since."

"You mean..."

"Yep, the guy became a better player when he learned to keep a beer at the mound."

This episode featured:
Harry Hrudey as Uncle Sal
Ginger Frogg as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the romance novel.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It beats doin' stuff."

Uncle Sal and the Poultry Projectile (Episode 52)

Uncle Sal and John arrived at Giacomo's place for their guys night out at the Wombats doubleheader and whatever followed. Giacomo laughed when he opened the door and saw Uncle Sal wearing a black stovepipe hat with the Wombats logo on it. He patted his pockets and felt that he had everything he needed: keys, wallet, flask. "Let's go."

"It's just you? I thought you were bringing a friend."

"I thought so too," Giacomo answered. "Turns out today is the first day of grouse season and he wouldn't miss it for the world."

They walked to the Dodge Dart and Uncle Sal said, "I ain't much on grouse myself. They're a little gamy and you can't get much meat offa them. I know a guy, Garth Ormbostad, who is crazy about grouse. Has a two-foot-tall statue of a grouse, made of brass, right by his front door. First thing you see when you walk into his house. Course his wife hates it, but he polishes that thing like it's an Oscar. The thing is absolutely his pride and joy. Or was.

One time, Garth invited a buncha us over for a card game. One of the guys brought a friend called Vince Jones. Big moose of a guy. Well, Garth welcomes him in and says, 'What can I get you to drink, bro?' This moose just scowls at Garth. 'What did you say?' Garth repeats himself, 'What can I get you to drink, bro?'

Well, this guy Vince takes the statue by the door and he just heaves it out the open door. Wouldn't you know it? A moving truck comes by just as that statue's above the street. It bounces off the grill of the truck and onto the curb where it ends up all dented and mangled."

Giacomo looked at Uncle Sal with wide eyes. "Are you serious? He did that?"

"Course I'm serious. I saw it with my own two eyes. Just goes to show you. People who live with brass grouses shouldn't 'bro' Jones."

[Editor's note: We realize that the preferred plural of grouse is, in fact, grouse. However, the author decided it was "funnier in context" if he used the less preferred, and therefore less correct plural grouses. He didn't find it quite as funny when he was given 30 lashes with an al dente piece of linguine.]

This episode featured:
Walter Mellon as Uncle Sal
Warren Pease as John
Lester Blue as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the flask.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."

Uncle Sal and the Miffed Mechanic (Episode 49)

Uncle Sal picked up Giacomo in his Dodge Dart and headed on his way to the Wombats baseball game. His sand-colored stovepipe hat nearly scraped the roof of the car. After only getting a block away from Giacomo's place, Uncle Sal saw a roadside assistance truck driver assisting someone with a flat tire.

"Look at that jack. Sure, they all look real pretty, but they sure don't make 'em like they used to. I knew this tow truck driver Vern Hamel. He drove a tow truck twenny years. Not only that, he had the same truck twenny years. Everybody knew ol' Vern's orange Ford truck. Well, it started out orange. But it faded over all them years of dust and sunlight. He had the same jack all that time too. Said if his truck or his jack ever gave out, he wouldn't be a tow truck driver no more."

Uncle Sal turned left to head toward the stadium. "Anyway, Vern gets a call one night. It's raining and some guy in a suit's got a flat tire. Well, you know, Vern's gotta do his job. He goes out to this dark road in the rain and he gets his gear from the back of the truck. Right away, the guy in the suit come outta his car with an umbrella. Doesn't offer to hold the umbrella over Vern, mind you. Well, this guy, Nelson Shaw was his name. Vern never forgot it because he never met anyone as annoying. This fella is talking the whole time Vern's getting ready to work on that big ol' Chrysler. Wasn't talking about anything interesting: his business, his wife, his kids. You know, all that stuff people can bore you with."

Giacomo adjusted his Wombats baseball cap and wondered where the story was going.

"So, Vern gets his jack under the Chrysler, cranks it three times and BOOM!" Uncle Sal slapped the steering wheel. "That Chrysler come right back down on the shoulder of the road. Well, that Shaw starts cussing a blue streak at Vern. Called him incompetent and said he'd sue if his car was damaged. Vern, he didn't care about anything the guy said. He just up and left the guy by the side of the road. And he was true to his word. He never drove a tow truck again because that was the Shaw that broke Hamel's jack."

This episode featured
Hugo Furst as Uncle Sal
Adam Assenmacher as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Wombats cap

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "She has fingernails that shine like justice."

[12 July 2008]

Uncle Sal and the Annoying Angler (Episode 40)

Uncle Sal bent down and tied the lace of the red and orange wingtip on his right foot. He raised his highball glass and sipped his bourbon and soda as he watched the Wombats game on the television. Alice sipped her greyhound and asked about the game.

"That was a strike," Uncle Sal said. he had explained baseball to her so many times, he could hardly stand it. But still, she positively refused to to understand the grand old game.

"So he's out?"

"No. That's only strike two. Now, just watch the game. It's the eighth inning. I don't wanna miss anything." Just then Uncle Sal looked at the door. "Oh no!"

"What? Is the man out now?"

"I dunno. Look who just walked in." Uncle Sal pointed to Harley Gooch.

"What's wrong with him?"

"What's wrong with him? Holy muskrats! What's not wrong with him? The guy is a nuisance. He's got a story for everything, and I mean everything. Why, to hear him tell it, he's climbed Mount Everest twice. Blindfolded. I just hope he don't sit here next to me."

Moments later, the stool next to Uncle Sal was occupied by the girth of Harley Gooch. One stool was barely enough to contain him. His shoulder brushed Uncle Sal's, causing Uncle Sal to move closer to Alice.

"HEY THERE, SAL? HOW'VE YOU BEEN?" Alice jumped at the man's voice which was far too loud and booming to be contained by any building. "YOU KNOW ME. BUSY AS EVER. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY DODGE SWINGER. THING RUNS LIKE A DREAM, EVEN THIRTY-FIVE YEARS AFTER IT WAS MADE." After ordering a boilermaker, Harley said, "BEEN FISHING LATELY?"

Uncle Sal looked like a man suffering severe indigestion. He squirmed on his stool and said, "No, Harley. I ain't been fishing in a while."

"HAD SOME GOOD TRIPS MYSELF. WENT UP TO IDAHO AND DID SOME FISHING THERE. BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY. CAUGHT SOME OF THE BEST LARGEMOUTH YOU EVER SEEN. SAY, SPEAKING OF BASS...DID YOU KNOW..."

Uncle Sal nearly ground his molars to dust. He wanted to catch the end of the game, but not if it meant sitting next to Gooch. He looked at his wrist, and though he wasn't wearing a watch, he said, "Look at the time! Gee, it sure was swell to see ya, Harley. We gotta movie to catch." He left some money on the bar, took Alice's hand and dashed to the door.

"What is the matter with you, Sal? That man was right in the middle of talking to you."

"Oh no he wasn't. He was just getting started."

"That doesn't make it OK to just get up and leave."

Uncle Sal rolled his eyes and said, "What was I supposed to do? The guy was gettin' 'round to bass facts."

This episode featured:
Vito Varner as Uncle Sal
Fannie Call as Alice
Fred Goff as Harley Gooch
and
Jellybean Merengue as the highball glass

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It takes a wise man to make it without working."

[13 May 2008]

Uncle Sal the Guest Announcer (Episode 32)

Uncle Sal looked at the beads of sweat on the upper lip and hairline of Garret Gemora and wondered if the longtime broadcaster for the Wombats was going to have a heart attack.

Gemora leaned his red face into the microphone and said, "Oh sweet Petunia! We've got a ripsnortin' humdinger of a barnburner tonight! Quite a situation we've got here. Bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases loaded. The Wombats trail by a run. The count is two balls and a strike to Benny Kluharski. Holy flounder! What a game! You picked a heckuva game to be our guest announcer, Sal."

"It sure has been fun to watch, Garret."

"Fun? This game's as tense as my ex-wife in a room full of spiders. Or accountants."

Uncle Sal glanced at Gemora as the ball was delivered to home plate. "Jumpin' cockroaches! What was Klu swinging at on that pitch? Two balls and two strikes. Everyone in the crowd is on their feet now, and in full throat. I've been broadcasting Wombats games for twenty-three years now and I've never heard it this loud. Why, it's so loud in here, you could put that band, whatsitsname, The Mississippi Mudflaps in a woodshed and it wouldn't be louder. A man can't even hear his own platitudes. What do you think about that, old Sally boy?"

"Well, it sure is..."

"Too high! Ball three! Oh my! I don't think my heart can take much more of this. The pitcher steps off of the mound. He needs some time to think about this one. It all comes down to one last pitch. I tell ya, this game is more exciting than a flaming rollercoaster ride into a barrel of monkeys."

Uncle Sal removed his cardinal bowler hat and scratched his head as he looked askance at the voice of the Wombats. "Well, I don't know too much about that, but I do know the Wombats win if the Klu hits, Garret."

This episode featured
Cooter Secore as Garret Gemora
Dieter Adolphus as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the microphone

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It will blow your funky mind."

[18 March 2008]

Uncle Sal's New 'Do (Episode 2)

Uncle Sal stepped into his favorite watering hole, The Crow Bar, and saw his favorite bartender putting away some glasses. She saw him and said, "Look who it is!"

He did a little two-step in the doorway and said, "Kelly, I feel like a hunnerd and twenny-two dollars."

"What on earth are you wearing? Did you just graduate?"

Uncle Sal smoothed his mauve robe, strolled to the bar and sat down on his favorite stool. "Never you mind what I'm wearing. Hows about pourin' me a nice cold Spud's and tellin' me whatcha been up to."

"Y'know, Sal, you're the only one drinks this Spud's anymore. I reckon you're the only reason we even bother keeping it on tap. Why don't you try sump'n else for a change?"

"I don't want nuttin else. I want a Spud's. It ain't done me wrong so far. Besides, it's the beer that made Coeur d'Alene famous."

Kelly turned and set the beer in front of Uncle Sal. "Well, you may feel like a hundred and twenty-two dollars, but you look like more'n that. You just come from Phil's?"

Uncle Sal ran his hand over his freshly cut hair and said, "Yeah, I come from Phil's all right. Only Phil wasn't there. He's on vacation somewhere and he left Geno in charge. Boy, lemme tell ya, I never seen Geno so worked up. I walked in and he was talkin' about how the Wombats just traded Harry Foofaraw. How could the Wombats trade away their best player for a sack of balls and a few used batting helmets, he says. And how could the team expect people to pay good money for a buncha no-talent humps? He went on and on, waving those scissors around like he was in a swordfight in one-a them old movies. The entire time I was in the chair, Geno was carryin' on about gettin' rid of Foofaraw. Then he said the same thing all Wombats fans say, that he ain't gonna support the team no more. To think that someone can get so worked up about some crummy baseball team."

As Uncle Sal took a sip of his beer, Kelly leaned forward and touched just above his right ear. "What happened here?"

"Oh, that's another thing. Phil, you know, he gives the best haircut in town. But today with Geno, I get a rave, a square cut and two nicks."

This episode featured:
Roscoe Hooper as Uncle Sal
Amanda Hugginkiss as Kelly
and
Jellybean Merengue as the barstool

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers!"

[14 August 2007]