Uncle Sal and the Fallacious Fisherman (Episode 140)

Uncle Sal and Giacomo stepped onto the boat and were welcomed by the owner and host of the fishing trip.

"Welcome. Welcome aboard the Grateful Phredd. I hope you guys are ready to do some serious fishing. I've been having a lot of success in the last month or so. Seems like everything has been biting: pike, bass, catfish. We should all be able to get our haul today and eat well tonight."

Uncle Sal adjusted his skipper's cap, popped his first Spud's and chatted with Fred as other guests filtered onto the boat. "Got some nice nightcrawlers there, Fred." He said as he put his hand into the bait box. He looked around the boat and said, "Looks like we gotta good group. When do we get this trip underway."

Fred said, "We're still waiting on one person, Rick. No one really wants him on the trip. He's a topper. Anything you've done, he's done better or more often. He's the worst kind of guy to have on a fishing trip. No doubt he'll try to tell you that he's caught the biggest of every kind of fish in the lake. He once told me about how he caught an 85-pound marlin. Said the thing fought him for three hours and just when he thought he couldn't fight that fish anymore, he got him on the deck. Then he told me that he wrestled that marlin into submission on the deck of the boat. Funny thing is, I never saw any photos. He doesn't have any marlin on his wall at home. But he has an explanation for that. The camera on the boat got wet and wouldn't work. And he did have the thing mounted on the wall until his wife gave it away at a garage sale."

"Sounds like he's gonna be a real drag. Nobody wants him here, how come he's coming along?"

Fred sipped a beer and said, "He's my brother-in-law. What am I gonna do? And look here he is now."

After a long pull on his bottle of Spud's, Uncle Sal shook his head and said, "Well, ain't that a Rick on the Phredd?"

This episode featured:
Marlon Gill as Uncle Sal
Lester Trout as Giacomo
Phil Salmons as Fred
Walter "Jersey" Pike as Rick
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bait box.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Do you realize it's snowing in my room?

Uncle Sal and the Confounded Cop (Episode 138)

Uncle Sal sat at the bar of the Liberty Bull Steakhouse next to his former partner on the police force Elton LaRady. He set his emerald balmoral cap on the bar and motioned to the bartender for a Spud's and a shot of rye.

"Hey Sal. Good to see you."

Uncle Sal tossed a Cajun almond into his mouth and said, "Good to see you to. It's been too long."

"Yeah, it has. Hey, are you going to the golf outing for all the old gang that worked at the 67th Precinct?"

"Hadn't heard about it. When is it?"

"Two weeks from Saturday."

"'Fraid I can't make it then."

"What? Yer gonna miss the golf outing with Bones, Lugnut, and the rest of the gang?"

"That day is no good. It's the day of Ciaran Smude's annual fish fry. Well, it's a fish fry, but it's mostly just pike."

"And you'd rather go to that?"

"Clearly, you have never had this guy's pike. He prepares it every way you can think of. With pecans, with coconut, some kinda cranberry sauce, and of course your standard beer batter. Only he must use some kinda high-quality brew in his batter, because it's amazing. I dunno how he comes into so much fish. He must know someone that works on a boat. And I don't know where he learned to cook, but I'm tellin ya, ya never had anything like it."

Elton sipped his gin and shook his head. "I can't believe it. You're gonna miss seeing all the guys from the 67th so you can eat some fish."

"Nothin' can be done about it. I block off that day on my calendar every year. I just have to be there when Smude cooks pike, LaRady.

This episode featured:
Alan "The Arrow" Smith as Uncle Sal
Perry Josephson as Elton LaRady
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Cajun almond.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "He's a nihilist. He doesn't believe in anything.

Uncle Sal and the Annoying Angler (Episode 40)

Uncle Sal bent down and tied the lace of the red and orange wingtip on his right foot. He raised his highball glass and sipped his bourbon and soda as he watched the Wombats game on the television. Alice sipped her greyhound and asked about the game.

"That was a strike," Uncle Sal said. he had explained baseball to her so many times, he could hardly stand it. But still, she positively refused to to understand the grand old game.

"So he's out?"

"No. That's only strike two. Now, just watch the game. It's the eighth inning. I don't wanna miss anything." Just then Uncle Sal looked at the door. "Oh no!"

"What? Is the man out now?"

"I dunno. Look who just walked in." Uncle Sal pointed to Harley Gooch.

"What's wrong with him?"

"What's wrong with him? Holy muskrats! What's not wrong with him? The guy is a nuisance. He's got a story for everything, and I mean everything. Why, to hear him tell it, he's climbed Mount Everest twice. Blindfolded. I just hope he don't sit here next to me."

Moments later, the stool next to Uncle Sal was occupied by the girth of Harley Gooch. One stool was barely enough to contain him. His shoulder brushed Uncle Sal's, causing Uncle Sal to move closer to Alice.

"HEY THERE, SAL? HOW'VE YOU BEEN?" Alice jumped at the man's voice which was far too loud and booming to be contained by any building. "YOU KNOW ME. BUSY AS EVER. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY DODGE SWINGER. THING RUNS LIKE A DREAM, EVEN THIRTY-FIVE YEARS AFTER IT WAS MADE." After ordering a boilermaker, Harley said, "BEEN FISHING LATELY?"

Uncle Sal looked like a man suffering severe indigestion. He squirmed on his stool and said, "No, Harley. I ain't been fishing in a while."

"HAD SOME GOOD TRIPS MYSELF. WENT UP TO IDAHO AND DID SOME FISHING THERE. BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY. CAUGHT SOME OF THE BEST LARGEMOUTH YOU EVER SEEN. SAY, SPEAKING OF BASS...DID YOU KNOW..."

Uncle Sal nearly ground his molars to dust. He wanted to catch the end of the game, but not if it meant sitting next to Gooch. He looked at his wrist, and though he wasn't wearing a watch, he said, "Look at the time! Gee, it sure was swell to see ya, Harley. We gotta movie to catch." He left some money on the bar, took Alice's hand and dashed to the door.

"What is the matter with you, Sal? That man was right in the middle of talking to you."

"Oh no he wasn't. He was just getting started."

"That doesn't make it OK to just get up and leave."

Uncle Sal rolled his eyes and said, "What was I supposed to do? The guy was gettin' 'round to bass facts."

This episode featured:
Vito Varner as Uncle Sal
Fannie Call as Alice
Fred Goff as Harley Gooch
and
Jellybean Merengue as the highball glass

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "It takes a wise man to make it without working."

[13 May 2008]