Ask Uncle Sal: Hairdos and hammocks

Dear Uncle Sal, what is the deal with women and the hair salon? My wife goes every other month. She spends $150 and two hours at the salon, then she's pissed at me because I didn't notice that she had 1/8 of an inch trimmed from the ends of her hair. Inconsiderate Idjit

Ah yes, the hair issue. I tell ya, Inconsiderate, if I had a buck for every time a broad got mad at me for the hair issue, I'd prolly be retired on some Pacific island. The thing is, ya wanna think that women are being hornswoggled in this whole thing. Why pay $150 fer a haircut that ain't even noticeable? Well, there's a few things at work here.

• First off, no guy ('cept maybe a politician, and who wants to hold them up as an example of anything) would pay that much for a haircut. And why? Because we don't feel the need to put guilt trips on our women. Heck, ya can tell her until yer blue in the face that ya feel unappreciated. All she's gonna hear is BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. So obviously this hustle ain't gonna work if it's men paying that much fer a haircut. 
• Now, that tells me that the hairdressers are in on the flimflam. After all, them lady hairdressers gotta get their hair cut too. 
• So the question is why this conspiracy? Well, that $150 yer wife spends is worth it a) for the guilt she can heap on ya and b) for the makeup gifts she can get outta ya. 

Either that, or yer wife ain't really goin' to the hair salon at all.

Dear Uncle Sal: looking forward to hitting the beaches this summer. What's going to be popular for wearing, or should I just stick to my go-to pink satin banana hammock? Can't Wait in Calabash

I don't wanna see nothin' like this.

Well, Can't Wait, after I read your question, I took three hot showers where I used steel wool for a washcloth. Unfortunately, I still didn't feel any better afterward. Now listen. I ain't one to judge what someone wears. Ya can wear whatever ya want. After all, yer an adult (I'm assumin') and ya don't need any permission from me about what ya should wear. I'll just say two things about the banana hammock. First, I hope you and I ain't hangin' out at the same beach because that sure ain't sump'n I wanna see. Second, I can't imagine any time or place ('cept maybe somewhere in Europe) where a pink satin banana hammock would be acceptable beachwear. I can't say for certain what'll be popular for wearin'. I ain't no fashion expert. All I can say is, how about a nice pair of boardshorts, buddy? They even got 'em in floral designs if ya want.

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7 x 7 link award

Well, yours truly has been mentioned by the good folks at 3 Guys 1 Movie in their 7 x 7 link award post. OK, so it was actually my Examiner profile that was mentioned in that post. However, when I write for Examiner (one of my many outlets), I write strictly about music. So, let's get right to it...doing it strictly by the book. And if you know me even a little you know that strictly by the book is not the way I ordinarily do things.

1. Tell everyone something that no one else knows about you. Ummm, there are probably loads of things that people don't know about me. But here goes: I am relentlessly prompt. Or I was before I had my two kids.
2. Link to one of the posts that best fits the following categories: most beautiful, most helpful, most popular, most controversial, most surprisingly successful piece, most underrated piece, most pride-worthy piece.
3. Pass this on to seven other blogs.

• Most beautiful - Well, personally I think it was a thing of beauty when I was able to twist the words of "Me and Bobby McGee" into the clincher for Episode 126 of the Uncle Sal Chronicles.
• Most helpful - This would have to be the edition of Ask Uncle Sal entitled Erection Set.
• Most popular and most controversial - Not everyone agreed with it, but my Examiner story "Thanks for Nothing, Morrissey" got quite a lot of reaction. That, and my piece about Utah County Swillers.
• Most surprisingly successful piece - My recent piece about the Poxy Boggards St. Paddy's Day show did amazingly well.
• Most underrated piece - Jeez, I have no idea.
• Most pride-worthy piece - This has to be Episode 100 of the Uncle Sal Chronicles, not only because it was a big milestone, but also because it was the only time any episode included more than one clincher (it has three).

Passing it on to seven other blogs

• Paddy Rock - It is what you would expect from the name: a site (complete with podcast) dedicated to Celtic punk. Lots of good show reviews, CD reviews, and bands you should get to know.
• Bob Whitehand's World of Music - Very thorough pieces on music artists new and old.
• Voodoo Funk - This guy has the market cornered on west African funk.
• Meeting Boy - This guy has some pretty acerbic observations about office life.
• This is probably pretty unexpected, but fyeahtattoos on Tumblr shows lots of cool photos of tattoos.
• New Dad in Training - He runs half-marathons, he has a newborn at home, and he's a big Buckeyes fan.
• If you've ever read Uncle Sal, you know I have a thing for wordplay. So does the person behind Wordplay Wonderland.

Ask Uncle Sal: Football and flat bottoms

Yeah, yeah. I know it's been a while since the last installment. I got myself into a tight spot in Carbondale with an illusionist, his busty redheaded assistant, a jar of marshmallow creme and a tube of super glue. Now onto yer questions.

Do you think Urban Meyer will use any unfair recruiting practices at Ohio State? Wants Trustworthy Footballmen


Well WTF, I don't wanna cast any aspersions on anyone, but I reckon he prolly will. Heck, he comes from the SEC and ain't no conference uses unfair recruiting practices more than the SEC. But hey, last I checked this was college ball, not elementary school where everythin' needs to be fair. And also the last I checked Urban Meyer wasn't hired to run a group of choirboys. He's there to win football games and national championships. Way I see it, if yer gonna do that, yer prolly gonna step on some toes.
Say, that reminds me of when I played tight end and linebacker for ol' Cotton U. Our rival was the Fightin' Catfish of Gantry University. Now, when I played, Gantry had this big ugly (I tell ya, this guy coulda been the inspiration for one of Keith Jackson's favorite terms) defensive end name of Ugly Stick Foster. (I'm sure that ain't the name his mama give him, but that's how we called him.) And ya know what was his best pass rushin' technique? Soon as the ball was snapped, he'd move in and stomp on yer foot with them big ol' size 17 cleats. Then while yer howlin' in pain, he'd just push ya over and run at the quarterback. But I tell ya, one time on the receivin' end of that and ya modify your own technique. Next time I saw him raising that big ol' hoof to stomp me, I got both hands under his arms and yanked his armpit hair. Ya wanna see a big slobberin' bull stop in his tracks, try that.
Anyway, like I was sayin'...it's football. Fairness has got nothin' to do with it.

My friend and I go fishing every weekend. He's got a round-bottom boat and I've got a flat bottom. He says his is better cuz of the shape. I say fish don't care. Who's right? Flat-bottom girl


FBG, I hope you didn't make a wager with your friend about who I say is right because the answer is you both are. You're right that the fish don't care. Yer yanking 'em outta their home and throwin' 'em into a boat so I reckon they don't really care what shape is the boat yer puttin' 'em into. Yer friend is right too though because no guy likes to see a woman with a flat bottom.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Reuben and the stains

Yeah, I know it's been a while since the last edition of Ask Uncle Sal. I had a little situation in Sioux City with a Mongolian go-go dancer, an accountant, a billiard ball, and two quarts of mescal. Now onto yer questions.

How much sauerkraut is too much on a reuben? Navigating the Sandwich Islands

I'd say this depends on yer personal taste, but ya really can have too much sauerkraut on a reuben. I can't say fer sure what measurement is too much, but the thing is ya don't want the kraut to overpower the corned beef. If ya take a bite of yer sammich and ya taste sauerkraut and not much else, then I'd say ya got too much on there. Now I'm in the mood fer a nice reuben. And ya know what goes great with a reuben. Well, I find a cajun martini goes pretty well with just about anything, but when I order one of these, I like to have a witbier with it. Mmmmmm reuben and witbier.

I'm thinking of building a deck. Do I stain it or leave it raw to go gray in the sun? Deck the (Chippewa) Falls

Look here, Deck. The important question is when are ya gonna have the first kegger on yer new deck? And I should hope I'm invited. Say, that reminds me. I was at a kegger on a deck Oconomowoc one time and there's this big fella name of Tiny Armbruster. Now, Tiny could drink, which ain't surprisin' for a guy musta weighed 300 pounds. What was surprisin' was that he wanted to do a keg stand. As ya might imagine, there wasn't a whole lot of people rushin' to hold him while he did his keg stand, but finally he talked some folks into it. There he is doing a keg stand. I tell ya, someone shoulda put a timer on it. He's doing the keg stand, then all of a sudden he just erupts with this big sneeze. Not only sprayed everyone nearby with beer, but he also fell. Of course, the people holdin' him all crashed to the deck too. Brand new deck and Tiny just splintered a coupla them boards. As for yer question, I say stain it. Lettin' it go gray might be good for black and white photos, but you wanna keep that deck tip-top, you should stain it.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Marmite and hallucinogens

Dear Uncle Sal: What will the Kiwis do when there's no more Marmite? Concerned in Kalkaska

Well now, I can see why this here would be a big deal in New Zealand. From what I gather, them Kiwis like to start their day with Marmite on toast. For them, losin' Marmite is like Americans runnin' outta peanut butter or sump'n like that. I don't think there's too much to worry about though, Concerned. Way I see it, with no more Marmite, Kiwis will get their vitamin B from other sources...like Lion Red, Speights, Monteith's, etc.

Dear Uncle Sal, are there any videos from the 80s that weren't made under the influence of hallucinogenics? Ozoned in Okoboji

Ozoned, I can't say I seen every video ever made in the 80s, but I see what yer gettin' at. A lot of them videos is pretty trippy and I have no doubt that a lot of the folks involved in makin' them videos was so high they needed a stepladder to scratch their respective backside. That bein' said, this video might not have been inspired by hallucinogenics, but I'm willin' to bet some chemicals were used in making it.

Ask Uncle Sal: Mitt and Without You

Yeah, I know it's been a while since the last edition. Nothin' I could do about it. I ran into a spot of trouble in Bozeman with a Filipina masseuse, three ping pong paddles, a Croatian gymnastics coach, and a barrel of moonshine.

Dear Uncle Sal: Who wrote the 1971 pop classic "Without You"? Musically Misinformed


Well MM, this here's a good question. Of course ya coulda consulted some kinda music encyclopedia for this one, but ya know I'll give ya a better answer than some ol' dusty book. Most people think Harry Nilsson wrote it and he is the one that made it famous. But I know for a fact this song was written by jug band Lynchpin Simmons and the Fishtails. How? Cuz I was there when the Lynchpin introduced the song for the first time. It was at The Yellow Brick Roadhouse in Bentonville, Arkansas, in October, 1968. Ol' Lynchpin stood up there with his cigar-box guitar and said, "This here's a song we just wrote. We ain't never played it in front of an audience before. It's called 'Without You'. We hope you gone like it." I'll tell ya what, MM. That version was a real hot number. Then Harry Nilsson come along and made it into a pop song. I ain't sayin' it's bad, but it sure ain't the foot-stomper it was the first time I heard it.

Is Jeb Bush's endorsement of Mitt Romney a good thing for either one of them? Scrutinizing Suffragist


Let's look at this, SS. One clown endorses another clown for a position that neither one is qualified to occupy. And I ain't just sayin' that about Bush and Romney. I reckon that applies to all politicians. Ya ask me, any endorsement from a politician ain't a good thing. Think about it this way. Would you want a politician's endorsement for anything? I wouldn't. I figger that'd be the kiss of death for whatever it is I'm tryin' to accomplish. Matter of fact, if I ever did receive an endorsement from a politician, I'd show up on his doorstep and demand that he retract it immediately if not sooner.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Uncle Knucklehead and the campaign bumper stickers

Hey Uncle Sal. I keep hearing this term “play on words” and “pun”. What does that mean? Why would you play on a book? What the heck is a pun? Uninformed 'Nucklehead Can't Locate Erudition

Boy, that's a heckofa handle ya got there, UNCLE. I wouldna thought you were capable of a word like erudition considering ya don't know what a pun is. Lemme ask ya sump'n UNCLE. Ya know there's things called dictionaries, right? In other words, all ya gotta do is crack open a book and you'll get an answer to yer question. The thing is, I could sit here and explain it to ya, but I get the feeling that'd be like explaining algebra to a tabby cat. But hey, I'm here to help. If you want examples of puns, pick up one of my books. Heck, I got three of 'em: A Gopher I Couldn't Defuse (that there's a pun), The Pickled Hand of Nate (that's another one), and Stocking on Levin's Floor (yup, that's one too). Ya can't figure out what a pun is after readin' those, well, then I imagine yer probably befuddled by things like doorknobs too.

In an election year, are bumper stickers wise? Campaign in the Neck (Hey UNCLE, didja catch that? That's another pun.)

Listen, Campaign. It's important to stand by yer convictions, but bumper stickers in an election year ain't at all wise. Why? Because every one of them candidates for office (yes, any office) is a clown. Plus, someone's bound to lose. Ya don't want to advertise that ya support both a clown and a loser (although is the winner of any election really a winner?). Now, bumper stickers is fine if they advertise yer favorite waterin' hole like The Crow Bar or your favorite ball team, but don't put some doofus politician's name on yer vehicle. I never have, never will.