Uncle Sal and the Picked-over Pastries (Episode 64)

Uncle Sal removed his cordovan cowboy hat as he walked into McBride's, the specialty bakery where Alice had just gotten a job.

"Say Alice, whatcha got cookin'?"

Alice wiped her hands on her June Cleaver apron and said, "We've got nothing cooking at the moment. We close in fifteen minutes."

Sal moved toward the display case and said, "Looks like ya ain't got much of anything left."

"Well, no. We had a pretty good day."

"Maybe I'll buy one of them three things. What are these?"

She pointed at the one on her right and said, "This is a black currant danish. Those are really good. This here is a pain au rhubarbe. It's kind of like a small piece of rhubarb pie with a really nice crust. And this one is a beet fritter."

"A beet fritter? Someone actually makes a pastry with beets in it?"

"They're made with sugar beets, not red beets. And my boss spices them up with something. I'm not exactly sure what. I know there's some brown sugar, and maybe some nutmeg. But that's her specialty, so only she gets to make those."

"And you actually sell them things?"

"They are quite popular. You wouldn't believe it. People come from all over the county for her beet fritters, because she's the only one that makes them. So what can I get you?"

Sal wrinkled his nose as he peered at the three pastries remaining in the case. "Hmmm. Well, I ain't much on currants. Rhubarb ain't exactly high on my list either. And the way you talk about this other one makes it seem pretty intriguing. I guess I'll take the fritter with the beet."

This episode featured:
Dmitri Mahbuba as Uncle Sal
Velvet Mariella as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pain au rhubarbe.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Moon Pie! What a time to be alive!"

Nittany Lions 13, Buckeyes 6

The Good
Offense
Well, this is pretty easy. Dane Sanzenbacher. He was pretty much the bright spot on the offense. TP had decent stats, and Ray Small had two big catches late in the game. That is pretty much it.
Defense
The defensive line was pretty solid, especially Cameron Heyward and Thad Gibson. If you ask me, Gibson is the defensive MVP so far this year. He is pretty much the only one that has shown up every game.
Special Teams
AJ Trapasso had some very good punts, and Aaron Pettrey kicked the ball a couple times without giving PSU any chance to return it.

The Bad
Offense
Did the Buckeyes even have an offensive line in this game? I sure didn't notice it. Boy, Mo Wells had a good game. One reception for 3 yards, and one fumbled kick return. Also, has anyone seen Brian Hartline? Or Brian Robiskie, for that matter? OK, Robiskie had some good catches, but these guys just seem completely unable to get open this season.
Defense
Donald Washington had a less than spectacular game, with a couple pass interference penalties (even though they may not have been warranted). I'll just say it. Marcus Freeman looks lost. He seems out of position and has a hard time squaring himself up for a tackle.

The Ugly
Well, the offensive game plan falls her for sure. I think Penn State was onto the general game plan of: run left on 1st down, run middle on 2nd down, and pass on 3rd and long. Yes, I know the Buckeyes have a really good running back. And yes, I know that they want to keep the gameplan simple with a freshman QB. But for crying out loud. To try the same thing for nearly three quarters when it has had no success, that's just ridiculous.

The refs had far too much of a hand in this game. The pass interference call against Washington on PSU's touchdown drive was ludicrous. Was there contact? Sure. Was there any way the receiver was going to catch that ball? No way. And you mean to tell me the Nittany Lions didn't commit one penalty? Come on! That is the second time I have seen a game in which OSU's opponent wasn't called for a single penalty. Funny how that works out.

Of course TP's fumble falls into this category. It's particularly a shame because he had the best statistical game of his young career.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
Well, there were a lot of players under the radar in this game. I don't really have any choice but to award this to AJ Trapasso, who helped the field position battle in the first half.

Uncle Sal and the Sapphirine Suit (Episode 63)

Uncle Sal walked into Giacomo's place and removed his persimmon-colored cowboy hat. In the corner was a mannequin wearing an outfit of at least four different shades of blue. The suit was topped off with an unusual azure hat.

"Are you ready for the onion festival?" Before Giacomo could answer, Uncle Sal pointed to the mannequin and asked, "What inna world is that? Holy cuttlefish! That thing is hideous. What's with all the buttons on the jacket? And this plaid vest. Jeez! Who's gonna wear sump'n like that, except maybe a drunken Scottish valet? The hat is...it's like a giant blue muffin. Was the fabric store out of every color but blue?"

"Oh that. My friend Violet Frick is going to fashion school. She's been kind of depressed recently. She didn't start out wanting to use blue exclusively. She just kept buying blue because it fit her mood."

"She doesn't expect you to wear that thing, does she?"

Giacomo shrugged. "I guess I'll have to wear it once, when I model it for the class."

But why on earth is this thing in your place? I mean, that thing is so bright, I gotta think it keeps you from sleeping at night."

"It's not as bad as that. She keeps it here so she doesn't have to load and unload it from her car. And the thing with fashion school is that you have to come up with something that no one has ever seen before. You know, make something that's your original creation."

"There's a reason no one has seen anything like that before. Good golly Miss Molly! This thing is like a blue hurricane. It is original, but I feel bad that you have to wear this blue Frick's try of a mode."

This episode featured:
Donny Ray Humbartner as Uncle Sal
Johnny Lee Stimplefish as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the azure hat.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "What am I, on the pay-no-mind list?





"Well, I can guarantee no one has ever seen anything like that. It's...I wouldn't

Buckeyes 45, Spartans 7

Well, after two weeks away, it was nice to come back to that. The Buckeyes team we saw in that game against the Spartans was barely recognizable...thank goodness.

The Good
Offense
The offense was tremendous. I mean, the Buckeyes scored 21 points in the first quarter. Woooo! Beanie and Terrelle were both awesome running the ball. Frankly, there just aren't enough O's in smooth to describe TP. When he runs the ball, it looks effortless. I thought Beanie's best run was his second TD. It was a giant hole, but the way he exploded into and through it was great. I'd say his foot has healed. And of course, a good running game starts with solid offensive line play. more importantly, the wide receivers showed up. Granted, Pryor only completed 7 passes, but those passes were completed to 4 different receivers. And the receiver with the most completions was the fullback, Brandon Smith. You read that right. Hartline's one reception was awesome. He stayed with the ball all the way and fought off 2 defenders to catch it.

Defense
Wow! Now, that is what I have expected from the defense. The defensive line was able to get some pressure on the QB. That is the first time all year I have seen Robert Rose make a play. Laurinaitis, Freeman, and Jenkins finally showed themselves to be leaders on the field this season. Seeing Laurinaitis and Freeman meet at the QB was incredible. Ross Homan had a solid game. Jenkins, Kurt Coleman, and even Chimdi Chekwa were really good in the secondary. OK, so maybe the Spartans don't have much besides Javon Ringer, but when the defense can hold the opponent to 7 points AND score 2 TDs, it has done its job.

The Bad
Aside from the defense giving up an easy TD at the beginning of the second half, I can't think of anything else that belongs here. Normally, you can count on seeing penalties here, but 5 penalties for 45 yards is not horrible.

The Ugly
Hard to believe, but I have nothing to put here either...except maybe for Bob Griese's golf sweater.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
By now, you know my philosophy on this. If I have been particularly hard on a player or a group of players, I am willing to make that up here. I have been tough on the defensive line this year because it has seemed nonexistent. That being said, the guys showed up in this game. In fact, the entire defense did. This week the UtR players of the game are the Ohio State defensive players, with a special mention to Ross Homan, who caused the fumble in the first quarter that got the Buckeyes rolling.

Buckeyes 16, Boilermakers 3

It sounds like I didn't miss much by not catching this game. Here is the write-up from guest blogger Nelson Slagle.
Best defensive performance and worst offensive game of season. Offense tallied 3 field goals. Jenkins blocked punt led to 7 points as
Etienne Sabino returned blocked punt 20 yards for a TD.
Pryor was 10-14 for 97 yards and ran for 27 yards on 14 carries including many sacks and scrambles. Pryor ran for 293 yards on 47 carries in first 5 games and 47 yards on 29 carries last 2 games.
Wells ran for 94 yards on 22 carries today.
Best OSU offensive stats: no turnovers and 10 yards in penalties.
OSU has been out gained 1799 yards to 1741 yards in last 6 games even though they outscored 6 opponents 127-86.
In last 21 offensive series OSU has scored one TD.
Buckeyes tallied 222 yards against the nations 108th ranked defense
that was giving up 435 yds per game.

Uncle Sal and the Prospective Proprietor (Episode 62)

Uncle Sal set his pint of Spud's on the table and sat down across from Gavin Bjarnason, who had some tall blue drink in front of him. Uncle Sal set his asparagus-colored porkpie hat next to his pint. "Hey Gav. How ya been?"

"Never better. I just got engaged and I have an idea for a restaurant that I think is really good."

"That's a tough racket," Uncle Sal said. Lots of restaurants go under in the first year or two."

Gavin rotated his pinkie ring around his finger and waved his hand. "Yeah, I know all that. I have a great idea, though. It's unique. Plus, I'm not going to kick this off until I have everything in place. A lot of restaurants fail because the owner wants to do to much. I'm taking a Clint Eastwood approach. I know my limitations."

Gavin took a sip of his blue drink and Uncle Sal leaned forward. "So, you gonna tell me your great idea?"

After dabbing his mouth with his napkin, Gavin said, "It's a Mediterranean restaurant. We're going to serve things like fegato d'oca con fichi."

"The heck is that? Sounds like something caught in your throat."

"It's a dish with goose liver and figs. No restaurant in the area makes it."

"Nobody makes it because ain't nobody can pronounce it to order it."

Gavin laughed and said, "It's really good. Rich, but delicious. Here's the kicker, though. We're not going to use any plates. I mean, you have to set yourself apart, right? We're going to set ourselves apart by making dishes no one else makes and by not using plates." He sipped his drink again.

"No plates? The heck are you gonna serve food on? Pieces of plywood?"

"No, we're going to use big palm leaves."

Uncle Sal rubbed his chin, then took a sip of his pint. "Hmmm. Well, that certainly is setting you apart: serving a fig dish in a tall frond."

This episode featured:
Omar Ostergaard as Uncle Sal
Jesper Karklins as Gavin Bjarnason
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pinkie ring.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If you don't know where you're going, you might end up somewhere else."

Buckeyes 20, Badgers 17

I asked for it, and you delivered. I was unable to watch the game myself, but I have two loyal readers very ably delivering their thoughts on the win over the Badgers.

From Nelson Slagle:
OSU opened with 6 play 71 yard drive and closed with 5 minute 80 yard drive for winning TD. Pryor was 4-5 for 70 yards and ran for 45 yards in 9 carries on those 2 drives. In rest of 52 minutes between those drives OSU had 2 filed goals on two 10 play drives with 54 yard run be Beanie Wells being most of offense. The other 6 times OSU had ball they ran 20 plays and Pryor lost 25 yards rushing mostly on 4 sacks!! OSU defensive line was pushed around by Wisc. Defensive line got beaten and put little pressure on QB. On Wisc final TD for a 17-13 lead in the 4th Qtr they ran 9 of 10 times during 63 yard drive.When dust settled, stats were almost identical. OSU rushed for 183 yards (168 in 22 carries by Beanie Wells) to 179 for Wisc and passed for 144 vs 147 for Wisconsin. Both completed 13 passes, each had 2 turnovers.Wisc 2nd longest home winning streak currently in Division 1 college football ended at 16. Also broke Wisc 11 night game win streak.

From Tom Bruszak:
The Good
Offense
Terrelle Pryor is the man. The kid looked like VY on that last drive. He made mistakes in the game, holding onto the ball to long or running when he should have tossed it, but those split second decisions will come with more playing time. Beanie was amazing. The first score of the game was awesome as he basically stiff armed the safety and carried him into the endzone with him from the five yard line in.
Defense
Ross Homan had his best game of the year, no, his entire OSU career thus far. Jenkins once again remains the best player on the defensive side of the ball. I will be the first to admit that coming into this year, I felt strongly that he was over rated. I am eating my words this year. Thad Gibson is a beast. Forced a fumble and really applied much needed pressure. If the DT’s played as hard as Gibson and Wilson, we would be set.

The Bad
Wisconsin’s scoring drive in the fourth quarter that put them up by four. All they did was run it up the gut, going I right 10 base every play. Watching our defense unable to stop it was painful. I've heard that Ohio State returned two highly touted senior linebackers this year. But, ever since Youngstown State, Ive not seen them? Willing to buy an APB for #1 and good ol' #33 as I think they have been abducted.

The Ugly
Brian Hartline, Brian Robiskie and hell, any wideout not named Sanzenbacher. Hartline dropped three balls that were put right at his chest, including one that saw Brian do his best Ryan Hamby imitation in the end zone. Hartline and Robiskie have been HUGE disappointments this year and that continued Saturday. At this point, Tress really should consider given Posey and Sanzenbacher more playing time. It was nice to see Saine FINALLY line up at WR, though he needs to learn to run a route better as evidenced by the pick Pryor threw on the deep ball to him. Saine really didn’t adjust to the ball at all and let the DB get position on him. I have also come to the conclusion that Ray Small is the next Albert Dukes. I don’t think Small is the speed burner people think he is and it’s safe to say that his junior year is shaping up to be like the first two: bad, bad, bad. Maybe that big hit he took in his freshman year against, I think, Minessota still haunts him. He looked good up until that point, but ever since, he runs timid routes, looks scared at times and is missing that third and fourth gear.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
Jim Cordle and Mike Brewster. Ever since Steve “Mr. False Start” Rehring went down, it’s been nothing but roses for the O-Line. Alex Boone continues to suck as he sends out his resume for his future career as a bouncer at a strip club in Zanesville , but Cordle and especially Brewster have played very, very well. It’s truly nice to see an Ohio State offensive lineman actually trying to throw a block

My final URPOG is not an actual player, but he is now my official hero. For three quarters of Saturday’s game, the OSU faithful at Dave and Busters had to endure seven drunk and highly obnoxious young men from USC. In between their pathetic attempts to pick up any young woman wearing scarlet and gray, they chanted “OSU Sucks” and “35-3.” It was at the end of the third quarter that a solution to the problem presented itself.

As it turns out, when an off-duty cop takes out the clip from his gun and starts putting the bullets on the bar and then pulls out his ID card and shows it around that even morons get the hint. Time elapsed from the time the first round was placed on the bar until the time those seven kids ran for the door: 30 seconds.

Uncle Sal and the Barbecue Baron (Episode 61)

Uncle Sal opened his door to find Alice standing there with her hands on her hips.

"Oh, Sal! Don't tell me you forgot!"

Uncle Sal looked down at his yellowed tank top and said, "Forgot what?"

"You completely forgot that we're having dinner with Roscoe and Etta Mae Hunsaker. I can't believe it! No, I can believe it! I knew I should have called earlier today. Well, it's a good thing I'm here now. We need to get you dressed immediately." She walked past him into the house, and marched right to his closet.

"Hunsaker? You mean the guy owns the Rib Hut across town?"

"Of course that's who I mean. How many Roscoe Hunsakers are there?" Uncle Sal grimaced. "Don't give me that look like you've just sucked a lemon. What's wrong with the Hunsakers?"

"Well, that place. I dunno. The ribs are all gristly. The barbecue sauce is too sweet. And that place is an eyesore. He's got all kinda license plates on the wall. He's even got that pig's head. You know the one where the pig got sunglasses on his snout."

Alice removed a bright blue aloha shirt and a pair of black pants from the closet and lay them on the bed. "Sal, that's ridiculous. You're saying you don't want to have dinner with them because of the restaurant he owns? That's just the restaurant. It's nothing to do with him. Roscoe is one of the nicest men around. And generous too. Don't forget he's the one that donated most of the money for the youth center. Not to mention he always chips in for new uniforms for the high school football team. He's a very good man. and his wife is a sweetheart."

Uncle Sal put on his aquamarine porkpie hat and buttoned his shirt. "I guess ya gotta point. He seems like a decent sort, but I don't like the hut of his rib."

This episode featured:
Rena Crump as Alice
Cletus Beard as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the aloha shirt