Uncle Sal and the Extraordinary Entree (Episode 99)

"Uncle Sal, it was a great idea to have this wild game dinner."

Uncle Sal pulled a napkin from the pocket of his Syndicate of Apple Polishers bowling shirt, and dabbed some barbecue sauce at the corner of his mouth. "I'll say it was. Whoever prepared this elk sure did a fine job."

"The ostrich burgers are pretty tasty too," Giacomo said as he removed a sesame seed from his shirt.

Uncle Sal pointed to the curried dish on his plate. "Ya know who brought this? This is one of the best dang things I ever had in my mouth, even if I dunno what it is."

"It's king snake."

Alice cringed. She wasn't particularly fond of snakes, but she didn't want to think about how the poor beast was killed and cooked.

Giacomo pointed across the room to a man who couldn't have been taller than five-feet-two and said, "My neighbor Han brought that. He's had this big snake is his backyard. He called it Kong, you know, because it's a kingsnake. He was pretty content just to let the thing patrol his yard, eating the rodents and what have you. But then one day, Han left his sliding patio door open slightly when he went to work. When he got back home, he realized that his leopard gecko was missing. Somehow, he got it in his head that Kong was responsible, even if he couldn't prove it. So, the next time he saw the snake in his yard, he hunted and killed it."

"Now, I've had snake before, but I ain't never had snake like this."

"Well, I'm not sure if cooking snake was part of the curriculum, but he's been taking classes at that Surrey Cooking School across town. That might be why it's so tasty."

"I'll say it is. We've got a lot of good dishes here, but this one's my favorite. I guess it just goes to show you that it takes a Surreyed Han to bring a curried Kong.

This episode featured:

Carl "Fozzie" Behrenstein as Giacomo

Friedrich Fox as Uncle Sal

Penny Nicholls as Alice

and

Jellybean Merengue as the barbecue sauce.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The boy's as stubborn and mulish as a sheep."

Uncle Sal and the Spurned Squeeze (Episode 98)

Giacomo sat down across from Joe at the card table in the back room of Alice's house. Uncle Sal asked? "Where ya been? We been waiting for a fourth so we could play pinochle while the women are tending the grill."

Giacomo exhaled a big breath and said, "Yeah, well I was unavoidably detained. Just before we left, my good friend Leticia called. She was all hysterical and I couldn't get her off the phone. That reminds me." He removed his phone from his pocket and switched it off.

Uncle Sal took a macadamia nut that had fallen onto his Confederacy of Rotund Nightwatchmen bowling shirt, threw it into the air, and caught it in his mouth.

"Apparently, Leticia has been going out with two guys, Ted Oosterblaat and Digger Wise. Both of them called her today and told her that they wanted to break up. She tells me Ted is a real small guy. He's only five-feet-one and about a hundred and ten pounds. He broke up with her because he was intimidated by her size. Funny thing is, Leticia is not that big. She's maybe five-feet-seven. She's got a little junk in the trunk, but I'd say overall she's average size. You'd think he'd be used to dating women bigger than him. I mean, what are the odds he's going to find a woman smaller than he is?"

Uncle Sal took a sip of his Spud's and shuffled the cards.

"Then she goes on to tell me that Digger, he's a real outdoors sort of guy. He's always going hiking, or biking, or something like that. Always looking for a new thrill outdoors. He broke up with her because he said she takes too long to do her hair and makeup whenever they plan to go somewhere. He actually told her that he wants a woman that's lower maintenance. "

Uncle Sal looked at the hand he had dealt himself and said, "I see what you're saying. She's all bent outta shape because she's burly to Ted and girly to Wise."

This episode featured:

Hubie "Cornbread" Butters

Ichabod Imperioli as Joe

Cornelius Vanderlinden as Uncle Sal

and

Jellybean Merengue as the macadamia nut.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Martinis are for squares, man."

Uncle Sal and the Barbarous Boss (Episode 97)

Giacomo had just arrived at Uncle Sal's place for a drink before they headed to the chainsaw juggling championships. Uncle Sal opened the cupboard and took out a yellow mug. He brought it into the living room and showed it to Giacomo. On it was an image of a container for baby powder and the words Uncle Ernie's Itch Powder. Only whoever had done the screening had added a B at the beginning of one of the words. Giacomo chuckled.

"Someone sent me this mug. Obviously an odd lot Not sure where they found it, but I'm sure it's not exactly what ol' Uncle Ernie had in mind." He set the mug down on the coffee table next to a biography of Jim Nabors and said, "This reminds me of when I worked for a screen printer. There was this guy at that place. Real charmer he was. He cussed more'n anyone I've ever known and always made catcalls at any woman walked by. A lotta times it was more'n just catcalls too. He spent just as much time goofing off as working. Course no one said anything on account of that knucklehead bein' the boss's son."

Uncle Sal sipped his whiskey sour and said, "Total screw-up, that guy. Dad gave him a job just so the kid would have sump'n to occupy his time. Anywho, this guy would do sump'n like this here mug. Matter of fact, they did it pretty regularly. I remember one time we got an order. Company wanted several hundred mugs, just black with white lettering that said Maine Mass Transit. Well, it don't take much imagination to figger out how the lollygagger changed that printing. Musta misprinted fifty mugs before anyone caught it."

"You didn't say anything?"

"No, I didn't say nothin'. I had just started there when he did that one. New guy's word against the boss's son. I don't like my odds there. Especially since the son was my supervisor. So I did the only thing I could do. I stood and watched the creep blunder the mug."

This episode featured:

Anton Lefebvre as Giacomo

Eustace Nollidge as Uncle Sal

and

Jellybean Merengue as the biography of Jim Nabors.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "They're savages, Mr. President."

Uncle Sal and the Poor Poet (Episode 96)

Giacomo sat down on Uncle Sal's couch and picked up the Scotch and soda Uncle Sal had placed on the Pecos Bill coaster. Uncle Sal said, "So are you ready for the school bus demolition derby?"

Before Giacomo could answer, his phone rang. He looked at the number displayed and rolled his eyes. "Hey Steve. Look, I can't talk right now. Yeah, I'll give you a call when I can."

Uncle Sal felt the pocket of his Brotherhood of Oyster Merchants bowling shirt and pulled out a five dollar bill. As he slid the bill into his wallet, he asked "What was that all about?"

"That was Steve McCool. You remember him, right? They came to visit me one time and he and his girlfriend Lucretia did nothing but sit and watch TV. Well, now he's got a new girlfriend named Dee. And he's writing poems about her."

"Nothing wrong with that."

"Not on the face of it. I mean, it's a really thoughtful thing to do. But these poems are terrible. He's written odes, haiku, and I think he is working on a sonnet. The thing is, he's always calling me to run these poems by me. And he asks for my input. The other day, he asked me if I could come up with a word that rhymes with hazel. The only one I could really think of was basil. So he ended up saying that her eyes are like an herb."

Giacomo sipped his drink and said, "I don't know what to do. I don't want to have any part of these awful poems, but he keeps calling me and he's been such a good friend for such a long time."

Uncle Sal took a sip of his Scotch and said, "Sounds to me like there's not a lot you can do. I mean you can stop taking his phone calls but it sounds like he'll find some way to get these poems to you cuz he's really got a Dee in his sonnet. "

This episode featured:

Percy Plisskin as Giacomo

Byron Beaverton as Uncle Sal

and

Jellybean Merengue as the Pecos Bill coaster.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Someone oughta sell tickets."