Sunday, June 21, 2009

Uncle Sal and the Spurned Squeeze (Episode 98)

Giacomo sat down across from Joe at the card table in the back room of Alice's house. Uncle Sal asked? "Where ya been? We been waiting for a fourth so we could play pinochle while the women are tending the grill."

Giacomo exhaled a big breath and said, "Yeah, well I was unavoidably detained. Just before we left, my good friend Leticia called. She was all hysterical and I couldn't get her off the phone. That reminds me." He removed his phone from his pocket and switched it off.

Uncle Sal took a macadamia nut that had fallen onto his Confederacy of Rotund Nightwatchmen bowling shirt, threw it into the air, and caught it in his mouth.

"Apparently, Leticia has been going out with two guys, Ted Oosterblaat and Digger Wise. Both of them called her today and told her that they wanted to break up. She tells me Ted is a real small guy. He's only five-feet-one and about a hundred and ten pounds. He broke up with her because he was intimidated by her size. Funny thing is, Leticia is not that big. She's maybe five-feet-seven. She's got a little junk in the trunk, but I'd say overall she's average size. You'd think he'd be used to dating women bigger than him. I mean, what are the odds he's going to find a woman smaller than he is?"

Uncle Sal took a sip of his Spud's and shuffled the cards.

"Then she goes on to tell me that Digger, he's a real outdoors sort of guy. He's always going hiking, or biking, or something like that. Always looking for a new thrill outdoors. He broke up with her because he said she takes too long to do her hair and makeup whenever they plan to go somewhere. He actually told her that he wants a woman that's lower maintenance. "

Uncle Sal looked at the hand he had dealt himself and said, "I see what you're saying. She's all bent outta shape because she's burly to Ted and girly to Wise."

This episode featured:
Hubie "Cornbread" Butters
Ichabod Imperioli as Joe
Cornelius Vanderlinden as Uncle Sal
Jellybean Merengue as the macadamia nut.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Martinis are for squares, man."


Betty Dravis said...

Sounds like you have some real characterization going on here, Gary.
If this is a sample, your book should be quite amusing.
Best of luck with it.
Betty Dravis

Gone with the Schwind said...

Thank you very much, Betty. I like to think the book is pretty amusing.