Uncle Sal and the Busted Butcher (Episode 103)

Detective Gstohl leaned across the table and looked at suspected mafioso Giuseppe "The Giraffe" Graffanino. The Giraffe didn't show an ounce of worry about being interrogated, probably because he had been in a room like this countless times in his life.

Gstohl leaned back in his chair and said, "Describe your relationship to Nathan Pidwick."

Graffanino's lips moved, but his expression could hardly be called a smile. "Was he the butcher at Murray's Meat?"

Gstohl grimaced. "No, he certainly wasn't."

"Perhaps you could show me a photo of this gentleman."

On the other side of the glass, Uncle Sal removed a strip of buffalo jerky from the pocket of his Order of Curt Hungarian Ornithologists bowling shirt. "Thanks for inviting me to see this interrogation, Cap'n."

The captain said, "No problem. I thought you might find this one interesting. We've been after this guy for so long."

"Yeah, first Rollie Hitchens, and now The Giraffe. Seems like the criminals in this town are gettin' a little sloppy."

Gstohl showed a photo of Pidwick to Graffanino.

"I'm afraid I don't recognize him. But then, he doesn't have the sort of face that is terribly recognizable."

Uncle Sal said, "What'd you bring him in for?"

Captain Sandstrom said, "Just watch Gstohl work here."

Gstohl asked some more questions of Graffanino without ever getting a real answer. Graffanino knew how every cop worked. Inevitably, the poor shamus would ask a seemingly innocuous question, and expect the suspect to fall into his "clever" trap. Graffanino had been through tougher interrogations than this one.

"So, if you didn't know Nathan Pidwick, perhaps you'd like to explain what his hand was doing in a jar of vinegar in your house."

On the other side of the glass, Uncle Sal gasped. "He did that?"

"How do I know you're not making that up?" Graffanino answered. "You flatfoots are always making up things to get someone to confess to what you think he did."

Gstohl was ready. He drew another photo from the file and held it out to Graffanino. "That's Pidwick's hand. In a jar of vinegar. Which we found in your closet."

"It wasn't. The only way it would have been in the closet is if someone removed it from my safe." Graffanino suddenly went pale. Gstohl smiled, and threw the photo on top of the file. He gave a quick glance and a wink toward the captain on the other side of the glass.

Uncle Sal swallowed another bite of buffalo jerky and said, "Well, I'll be. The guy's been suspected of money laundering, extortion, point shaving and who knows what else. And he was finally brought down by the pickled hand of Nate."

This episode featured:

Ricky Limes as Detective Gstohl

Elvis "Man" Hatton as Giuseppe Graffanino

Mike Robe as Uncle Sal

Luther "Donuts" Donitzky as Captain Sandstrom

and

Jellybean Merengue as the buffalo jerky.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Recession? I gotta miniature golf tournament to focus on!"

Uncle Sal and the Perturbed Pitchman (Episode 102)

Uncle Sal sat next to Joe at the Crow Bar. He took a sip of the Spud's Kelly had placed in front of him and looked toward the door. "Oh no!"

Joe looked at the television. The Wombats hadn't done anything bad. They hadn't even made a call to the bullpen to bring in Uncle Sal's least favorite pitcher. "What do you mean?"

Uncle Sal took the bottle cap and slid it into the pocket of his Federation of Lanky Icelandic Plumbers bowling shirt. "Guy that just walked in. Name's Chad, or Tad. Sump'n like that. He comes in here a lot and he always wants to tell people about his day at work. He actually thinks they're interested. Maybe he'll sit down the other end of the bar."

The man sat on the stool to Uncle Sal's left. Kelly said, "Hey Tad." But she also made the mistake of asking him how he was doing.

"What a day!" Tad replied as he loosened the knot of his tie. "I was giving a presentation in a marketing meeting today. It was really a good presentation too. You should have seen some of the slides I made in PowerPoint. They were really eye-catching and cool, if I do say so myself." He took a sip of his Blue Hawai'i and said, "Yeah, so there I am giving a presentation about what we can do to make our brand more noticeable. More of a household name, you know. I mean, that's the name of the game, right? You have to find ways to get people to buy what you're selling. That's what puts steaks in the fridge. Anyway...I was about forty-five minutes into my presentation and this one guy gets up and goes to the bathroom. No big deal, right? I mean everyone's gotta go. Well, this guy comes back and he's got this big rock in his hand. I looked at the guy and I was a little nervous. What was he going to do with the rock?"

Kelly looked at her fingernails and wondered when this story was going to come to a close.

"Well, the guy walked right toward me. And I'm thinking maybe he's going to hit me in the head with it. He didn't, obviously. He just took this giant rock and threw it right on top of the projector. So much for the presentation, right?"

Uncle Sal chuckled.

Tad looked at him and said, "You think that's funny?"

Uncle Sal said, "Yeah, I think it's pretty amusing. After forty-five minutes of that, I can see why someone would put his boulder to the spiel."

This episode featured:

"Welcome" Matt Squier as Uncle Sal

Dick Pocoroba as Joe

Pam Flett as Kelly

Page Turner as Tad

and

Jellybean Merengue as the bottle cap.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in!"

Uncle Sal and the Timid Tweeter (Episode 101)

The first pitch of the Wombats game had just been made when Giacomo removed his phone from his pocket and looked at the display. He grimaced, pushed a few keys and slid the phone back into his pocket.

"Whatta ya doin, Giacomo? Yer makin' phone calls during the game?"

"Someone just sent me a message on Twitter."

"Twitter? The heck is that?"

"It's this social networking site. You get 140 characters to tell all of your followers what you're doing right now." He removed his phone again and showed his Twitter home page to Uncle Sal. On the display were messages like "Getting a latte at the coffee shop" and "Just lost a hand with a full house."

Uncle Sal scrunched up his face like he had smelled something foul and said, "What's the point? Seems like a giant waste of time."

"I'm beginning to think the same thing. I just heard so many people talk about it that I wanted to try it myself. This guy Paul Porrola that just messaged me is making me nuts. I think I might have to end my Twitter experiment just because of him."

Uncle Sal sipped overpriced beer from his 32-ounce Wombats cup ("It's like two beers in one cup!") and said, "What's his deal?"

"We went to high school together. I see him from time to time. But almost as soon as I created an account on Twitter, he found me. Probably because he wastes all of every day at this blasted thing. He only adds friends and models. And he's always sending me messages asking me to guess who he was just Twittering with. Inevitably, he tells me the name of some model I never heard of. But he thinks it's the greatest thing in the world that these beautiful women somehow recognize his existence. The only thing is, he would never have the guts to talk to these women if he saw them in person. The last time I hung out with him, he just kept saying, 'Look at that chick! She is so hot!' And I would tell him to go talk to any or all of the women he pointed out. He never did though. But now he thinks he's a big deal because some model thanks him for telling her how beautiful she is."

"Well, it does take a lot less courage to send a brief message than to actually speak to someone. Just goes to show you: Paul, that Twitters, is not bold."

This episode featured:

Lon Dartz as Giacomo

Homer Unberg as Uncle Sal

and

Jellybean Merengue as the 32-ounce Wombats cup.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?"

Uncle Sal and The Purple Pheasant (Episode 100)

Uncle Sal woke up to see Giacomo sitting to his left and Alice to his right. He blinked a few times, then shook his head. The pain made him close his eyes tight and grimace with pain. He looked around the room, then looked at Alice. "Where am I?"

Alice put her hand to her mouth and cleared her throat. Giacomo, realizing that she was too uncomfortable to tell him, jumped in. "You're in The Purple Pheasant swingers club."

Uncle Sal perused the room another time. "That explains all the velvet."

Alice arched one eybrow and said, "What exactly were you doing here, Sal?"

He shook his head and again the base of his skull screamed with pain. "Yow! I think someone musta given me the Philip Marlowe treatment. My head is killing me."

Alice remained with her eyebrow raised and her arms crossed. After a couple blinks, Uncle Sal said, "Heck if I know. I didn't even know this place was here. And it ain't the kinda place I'd frequent. I ain't got enough satin in my wardrobe ta visit a place like this."

"I brought him in here," came a voice from the door.

All heads turned to look at the man who held a meerschaum pipe in his right hand. He was dressed in a mauve velvet smoking jacket and a pair of red polka-dot boxers. "Well, I just couldn't leave him...where he was. Not when he was...shall I say, incapacitated."

Uncle Sal squinted and said, "Fred Bourse, is that you? Holy haddock! You more or less disappeared after Ten shut down."

The man in the smoking jacket bowed.

"Uncle Sal, you know this guy?"

"Sure I do. He used to work at that topless bowling alley called Ten down in Alpharetta, Georgia. And lemme tell ya, that didn't just describe the number of pins. It also was the perfect description of a lotta the waitresses worked there." Sensing Alice's glare, he continued. "Matter of fact, it was his idea to make the place topless. He did all the research about what permits were needed and all that. Place coulda been there forever if they'd only listened to him. Only thing is, he got submarined, by this guy Zane Fiskie and his own brother." Uncle Sal removed his glasses and put them in the pocket of his Association of Blond Latvian Engineers. "See this guy, every idea he has is gold. His brother and Fiskie could see that, and they got a little jealous. This guy here, he always had the boss's ear while those other two yahoos spent a lot of time chasing their tails. Anywho, these guys get it inta their heads that they need to take Fred down so maybe their ideas can be heard. If they had any ideas, that is. And they know just the way to do it. They start spreadin' rumors that Fred is an alcoholic. Well, it wasn't long after that, Fred got fired."

Fred jumped in. "And that was when my drinking problem actually started. Well, after I had been out of work for a while. Here I was, an honest worker, and no one would hire me because they had heard I was an alcoholic. Not just in Alpharetta either. I went to Mississippi, Louisiana, Florida, and couldn't get hired anywhere. I was really upset by it. And frankly, I did disappear for a while. Because of my anger and my depression, I disappeared into a bottle, then I disappeared into rehab. I've been back on my feet ever since I opened this place. Best move I ever made. I'll tell you that for nothing."

"Say, Fred. Didn't that bowling alley go under shortly after they let you go?"

"It did. All the people in charge didn't care what I had accomplished there. They heard the rumors and they believed them all completely. Funny thing is, I guess it wasn't really funny...my brother left that place shortly after I did. Fiskie sold him out too. My brother and I ended up in rehab together. It was not exactly the proudest time for my family."

Alice nodded and glanced first at Fred, then at Sal. She said, "I see what you're saying. You're saying that this man's drinking problem started because no one would book a miffed Bourse in the south."

Giacomo narrowed his eyes. "I think what the real point of the story is that at first, the topless bowling alley sacked the wrong Bourse."

"No, no, no. That ain't what I'm trying to say at all. What I'm saying is that all of Fred's good ideas didn't matter because in the end, it was Fiskie for the Ten and beer for the Bourses."

This episode featured:

Ebel Flowe as Uncle Sal

Early Turize as Giacomo

Oksana Plaine as Alice

Hugh "Georgie" Mann as Fred Bourse

and

Jellybean Merengue as the meerschaum pipe.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The man is obviously a psychotic."

NOTE: Thanks to loyal readers Jon Lee "Hooker" for suggesting the 3-for-1 special and Dave Moeggenberg for his suggestion about the setting of this landmark episode.