Ask Uncle Sal: Marmite and hallucinogens

Dear Uncle Sal: What will the Kiwis do when there's no more Marmite? Concerned in Kalkaska

Well now, I can see why this here would be a big deal in New Zealand. From what I gather, them Kiwis like to start their day with Marmite on toast. For them, losin' Marmite is like Americans runnin' outta peanut butter or sump'n like that. I don't think there's too much to worry about though, Concerned. Way I see it, with no more Marmite, Kiwis will get their vitamin B from other sources...like Lion Red, Speights, Monteith's, etc.

Dear Uncle Sal, are there any videos from the 80s that weren't made under the influence of hallucinogenics? Ozoned in Okoboji

Ozoned, I can't say I seen every video ever made in the 80s, but I see what yer gettin' at. A lot of them videos is pretty trippy and I have no doubt that a lot of the folks involved in makin' them videos was so high they needed a stepladder to scratch their respective backside. That bein' said, this video might not have been inspired by hallucinogenics, but I'm willin' to bet some chemicals were used in making it.

Ask Uncle Sal: Mitt and Without You

Yeah, I know it's been a while since the last edition. Nothin' I could do about it. I ran into a spot of trouble in Bozeman with a Filipina masseuse, three ping pong paddles, a Croatian gymnastics coach, and a barrel of moonshine.

Dear Uncle Sal: Who wrote the 1971 pop classic "Without You"? Musically Misinformed


Well MM, this here's a good question. Of course ya coulda consulted some kinda music encyclopedia for this one, but ya know I'll give ya a better answer than some ol' dusty book. Most people think Harry Nilsson wrote it and he is the one that made it famous. But I know for a fact this song was written by jug band Lynchpin Simmons and the Fishtails. How? Cuz I was there when the Lynchpin introduced the song for the first time. It was at The Yellow Brick Roadhouse in Bentonville, Arkansas, in October, 1968. Ol' Lynchpin stood up there with his cigar-box guitar and said, "This here's a song we just wrote. We ain't never played it in front of an audience before. It's called 'Without You'. We hope you gone like it." I'll tell ya what, MM. That version was a real hot number. Then Harry Nilsson come along and made it into a pop song. I ain't sayin' it's bad, but it sure ain't the foot-stomper it was the first time I heard it.

Is Jeb Bush's endorsement of Mitt Romney a good thing for either one of them? Scrutinizing Suffragist


Let's look at this, SS. One clown endorses another clown for a position that neither one is qualified to occupy. And I ain't just sayin' that about Bush and Romney. I reckon that applies to all politicians. Ya ask me, any endorsement from a politician ain't a good thing. Think about it this way. Would you want a politician's endorsement for anything? I wouldn't. I figger that'd be the kiss of death for whatever it is I'm tryin' to accomplish. Matter of fact, if I ever did receive an endorsement from a politician, I'd show up on his doorstep and demand that he retract it immediately if not sooner.

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Ask Uncle Sal: Uncle Knucklehead and the campaign bumper stickers

Hey Uncle Sal. I keep hearing this term “play on words” and “pun”. What does that mean? Why would you play on a book? What the heck is a pun? Uninformed 'Nucklehead Can't Locate Erudition

Boy, that's a heckofa handle ya got there, UNCLE. I wouldna thought you were capable of a word like erudition considering ya don't know what a pun is. Lemme ask ya sump'n UNCLE. Ya know there's things called dictionaries, right? In other words, all ya gotta do is crack open a book and you'll get an answer to yer question. The thing is, I could sit here and explain it to ya, but I get the feeling that'd be like explaining algebra to a tabby cat. But hey, I'm here to help. If you want examples of puns, pick up one of my books. Heck, I got three of 'em: A Gopher I Couldn't Defuse (that there's a pun), The Pickled Hand of Nate (that's another one), and Stocking on Levin's Floor (yup, that's one too). Ya can't figure out what a pun is after readin' those, well, then I imagine yer probably befuddled by things like doorknobs too.

In an election year, are bumper stickers wise? Campaign in the Neck (Hey UNCLE, didja catch that? That's another pun.)

Listen, Campaign. It's important to stand by yer convictions, but bumper stickers in an election year ain't at all wise. Why? Because every one of them candidates for office (yes, any office) is a clown. Plus, someone's bound to lose. Ya don't want to advertise that ya support both a clown and a loser (although is the winner of any election really a winner?). Now, bumper stickers is fine if they advertise yer favorite waterin' hole like The Crow Bar or your favorite ball team, but don't put some doofus politician's name on yer vehicle. I never have, never will.