Friday, April 13, 2012

Ask Uncle Sal: Football and flat bottoms

Yeah, yeah. I know it's been a while since the last installment. I got myself into a tight spot in Carbondale with an illusionist, his busty redheaded assistant, a jar of marshmallow creme and a tube of super glue. Now onto yer questions.

Do you think Urban Meyer will use any unfair recruiting practices at Ohio State? Wants Trustworthy Footballmen

Well WTF, I don't wanna cast any aspersions on anyone, but I reckon he prolly will. Heck, he comes from the SEC and ain't no conference uses unfair recruiting practices more than the SEC. But hey, last I checked this was college ball, not elementary school where everythin' needs to be fair. And also the last I checked Urban Meyer wasn't hired to run a group of choirboys. He's there to win football games and national championships. Way I see it, if yer gonna do that, yer prolly gonna step on some toes.
Say, that reminds me of when I played tight end and linebacker for ol' Cotton U. Our rival was the Fightin' Catfish of Gantry University. Now, when I played, Gantry had this big ugly (I tell ya, this guy coulda been the inspiration for one of Keith Jackson's favorite terms) defensive end name of Ugly Stick Foster. (I'm sure that ain't the name his mama give him, but that's how we called him.) And ya know what was his best pass rushin' technique? Soon as the ball was snapped, he'd move in and stomp on yer foot with them big ol' size 17 cleats. Then while yer howlin' in pain, he'd just push ya over and run at the quarterback. But I tell ya, one time on the receivin' end of that and ya modify your own technique. Next time I saw him raising that big ol' hoof to stomp me, I got both hands under his arms and yanked his armpit hair. Ya wanna see a big slobberin' bull stop in his tracks, try that.
Anyway, like I was sayin''s football. Fairness has got nothin' to do with it.

My friend and I go fishing every weekend. He's got a round-bottom boat and I've got a flat bottom. He says his is better cuz of the shape. I say fish don't care. Who's right? Flat-bottom girl

FBG, I hope you didn't make a wager with your friend about who I say is right because the answer is you both are. You're right that the fish don't care. Yer yanking 'em outta their home and throwin' 'em into a boat so I reckon they don't really care what shape is the boat yer puttin' 'em into. Yer friend is right too though because no guy likes to see a woman with a flat bottom.

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