Monday, April 23, 2012

Ask Uncle Sal: Hairdos and hammocks

Dear Uncle Sal, what is the deal with women and the hair salon? My wife goes every other month. She spends $150 and two hours at the salon, then she's pissed at me because I didn't notice that she had 1/8 of an inch trimmed from the ends of her hair. Inconsiderate Idjit

Ah yes, the hair issue. I tell ya, Inconsiderate, if I had a buck for every time a broad got mad at me for the hair issue, I'd prolly be retired on some Pacific island. The thing is, ya wanna think that women are being hornswoggled in this whole thing. Why pay $150 fer a haircut that ain't even noticeable? Well, there's a few things at work here.
  • First off, no guy ('cept maybe a politician, and who wants to hold them up as an example of anything) would pay that much for a haircut. And why? Because we don't feel the need to put guilt trips on our women. Heck, ya can tell her until yer blue in the face that ya feel unappreciated. All she's gonna hear is BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. So obviously this hustle ain't gonna work if it's men paying that much fer a haircut. 
  • Now, that tells me that the hairdressers are in on the flimflam. After all, them lady hairdressers gotta get their hair cut too. 
  • So the question is why this conspiracy? Well, that $150 yer wife spends is worth it a) for the guilt she can heap on ya and b) for the makeup gifts she can get outta ya. 
Either that, or yer wife ain't really goin' to the hair salon at all.

Dear Uncle Sal: looking forward to hitting the beaches this summer. What's going to be popular for wearing, or should I just stick to my go-to pink satin banana hammock? Can't Wait in Calabash

I don't wanna see nothin' like this.
Well, Can't Wait, after I read your question, I took three hot showers where I used steel wool for a washcloth. Unfortunately, I still didn't feel any better afterward. Now listen. I ain't one to judge what someone wears. Ya can wear whatever ya want. After all, yer an adult (I'm assumin') and ya don't need any permission from me about what ya should wear. I'll just say two things about the banana hammock. First, I hope you and I ain't hangin' out at the same beach because that sure ain't sump'n I wanna see. Second, I can't imagine any time or place ('cept maybe somewhere in Europe) where a pink satin banana hammock would be acceptable beachwear. I can't say for certain what'll be popular for wearin'. I ain't no fashion expert. All I can say is, how about a nice pair of boardshorts, buddy? They even got 'em in floral designs if ya want.

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