Uncle Sal and the Salty Split (Episode 204)

Inside the Salvador Deli, Uncle Sal removed his sedge hat and spotted Giacomo in a booth. Above the booth was a stuffed beaver on a tricycle. The beaver held a fan paintbrush under his front teeth and a pizza pan on his tail.

Giacomo had a pint glass, one empty shot glass and one shot of whiskey in front of him. "Getting it going early today, eh Giacomo?"

"After the discussion I've just had, I need it. My friends sure know how to put on the drama." A waiter in a Nehru jacket came to the table and Uncle Sal ordered the same that Giacomo was drinking.

"My friends Juan and Lulu..." Giacomo sipped his shot of whiskey. "They've been at it for months now, going back to St. Patrick's Day. Juan had a little too much to drink. He said some things he immediately regretted. She threw all of his clothes out on the lawn and his keys into the bushes. Since then, they've been on and off. He says something stupid. She kicks him out. He does something sweet and she takes him back."

Uncle Sal was beginning to see why Giacomo was taking such a heavy dose of alcohol.

"So Juan calls me today and tells me it's over for good. No going back now. She saw him with another woman and even though she and Juan were technically on a break, Lulu got jealous. Not that she asked who the woman was. She just went right into argument mode. She said she was going to her sister's place for a while and when she returned his stuff better be gone, or she would throw it in the fire pit and get rid of it there. Well, Lulu has this trunk that's been passed down from her grandma. It's beautiful, all oak. It would probably fetch a lot of money on one of those antique shoes. Or it would have before today. Juan told me that after she left, he went up with a green permanent marker and drew shamrocks all over the thing."

Uncle Sal sipped his Spud's and said, "I guess he's right. There's no way they're getting back together after Juan drew clovers on Lulu's chest."

This episode featured:
Lochlan Nicholson as Uncle Sal
Nollaig Ratched as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the fan paintbrush.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Who would have thought that dolphins could go bad and that fish were magnetic?"

Uncle Sal and the Frustrated Fraulein (Episode 135)

Uncle Sal and Giacomo stumbled into Giacomo's place after a prolific bout of drinking at a St. Patrick's Day happy hour. Giacomo's girlfriend Brigitte was waiting by the door with her arms crossed and her eyes narrowed. She wore an orange polka-dot crop top that was probably two sizes too small and a piece of denim that could have been called a skirt if it were three inches longer.

"What took you guys so long? You've been gone for two and a half hours."

"Baby, it's St. Paddy's Day."

"Ja, and vat's that mean to me? You said you vould come home and prepare some Irish feast for us."

Uncle Sal removed his blue balmoral hat with the green checkered band and sat down on the couch.

"And I will," Giacomo said.

"Ja, almost two hours later than you said you vould."

"We ran into some guys from the Grackles. They bought us a round. We bought them a round. And so it goes, y'know. Oh, and I kind of volunteered you to make a batch of your chokolatballe for the next event."

"Ja, OK. How many guys vill be there?"

"Ummm...three hundred or so."

"Three hundred? You volunteered me to make my Nussbaumchokolatballe for three hundred drunken men in funny hats? Do you have any idea how long it takes to make just a couple dozen? Und you vant me to make enough for your whole silly club?"

"Baby, you're beautiful when you're angry."

"Stuff it in a pepper. I cannot believe you vould make such an offer. Vat makes you think I vant to something like zis for your club? Zis is a terrible imposition on my time. Especially, since I vas promised a big meal and at ze moment, my stomach is empty."

Brigitte said a lot of things that neither Giacomo nor Uncle Sal understood. Even though he didn't know the words, Uncle Sal knew the tone. Giacomo was being cursed out in a language he didn't even understand. With his eyes closed and his head resting on the couch cushions, Uncle Sal said, "He ain't even told ya the best part. The event is Friday. That means you have two days to make these magical chocolate balls Giacomo has told us all about. Looks like yer gonna need to bake up, little floozie."

This episode featured:
Everson Everly as Uncle Sal
Friedrich "Free" Byrd as Giacomo
Louisa Braun as Brigitte
and
Jellybean Merengue as the crop top.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Maybe that's what hell is: eternity spent in Weehawken."