Uncle Sal and the Prolific Prankster (Episode 144)

Uncle Sal set his bottle of Spud's down on the table and settled into his chair at the Fraternal Order of Grackles meeting. After a sip of his beer, he said to Giacomo, "Who's that guy across the room looks like the cat that just ate the canary?"

"That's Cy Wojciechowski, he's the recorder of the organization. Anything that's ever happened in this chapter of the Grackles, he knows about it."

"Why's he look like he's up to sump'n?"

"Probably because he is up to something. He's not only the recorder, he's also the resident prankster." Giacomo downed one of his oyster shooters and said, "He's always pulling pranks on guys, especially with their cars."

Uncle Sal adjusted his Beleaguered Beaver watch and said, "Not like sugar in the gas tank or anything like that?"

"No, nothing that damages the car. He never actually does any of the stuff. It would be too suspicious if he got up during the meeting. So, he sends some of his buddies out to mess with a guy's car. One time, this guy Mike Hawke, he's almost as big a fan of the Wombats as you. Well, his car ended up with Go Mudskippers painted on his windows. With that paint that washes off really easily. Another guy had a Ford Ranchero, and after the meeting, he went out to find his car filled with shaving cream balloons. I mean, his car was packed. He had to be really careful getting the balloons out so the shaving cream didn't explode all over his interior."

"And now he's looking for his next victim?"

"Probably."

"Well, I don't know what they're cooking up over there, but whatever it is, it's got Cy Wojo smirking."

This episode featured:
"Blue" Gene Edbom as Uncle Sal
Maurice "Memphis Mo" Fournier as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the oyster shooter.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "My woman got a cross-eyed cat."

Uncle Sal and the Bargain Broiler (Episode 136)

Giacomo climbed into the truck Uncle Sal had rented for the day. He was followed by his good friend Jeff "Fish" Beatty. Uncle Sal adjusted his St. Andrews balmoral cap and put the truck into gear. As he pulled away from Giacomo's place, Jeff asked, "Is it true we're going out to West Frog's Elbow?"

"Yup," Uncle Sal answered after a sip from his I un-thunk the Glunk coffee mug.

"And why are we going out there?"

"Well, the Grackles are gonna have a pancake breakfast in a coupla weeks. And this ain't gonna be like no church pancake breakfast. We're also gonna have scrapple and eggs, and we're gonna start early with Bloody Marys, screwdrivers, white Russians. It's gonna be a ball."

Jeff, looking more confused than he normally did, asked, "What's that gotta do with West Frog's Elbow?"

"It's got everything to do with West Grog's Elbow. See, there was a restaurant out that way, name of Casa Tina. Owned by this pretty little thing, had the prettiest big brown eyes ya ever seen."

"Wait. Was a restaurant? We're going out there for a restaurant that ain't even open anymore?"

Uncle Sal exhaled loudly. "Son, if you'd just listen, maybe you'd see what this trip is all about. See, Casa Tina had the best everything. Pancakes, tortillas, steak. But you know how things are in this economy. Even if ya gotta good product, it don't mean yer gonna stay in bidness. Anyway, I got to talkin' to Tina and since her place don't need the equipment anymore, they're basically givin' it away for a song. That, friend, is where West Frog's Elbow comes in. We're going out there to get the fine piece of cooking machinery responsible for all the fine food at the restaurant."

Jeff still looked baffled.

"Don'tcha see? It don't matter how far I gotta go, we're getting the griddle, old Beatty, from Casa Tina."

This episode featured:
Jann Esterflaus as Giacomo
Dean "Wormer" Chelli
Charlie "Gnarly" Serff as Jeff "Fish" Beatty
and
Jellybean Merengue as the coffee mug.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Why are nudists always fat, hairy dudes?

Uncle Sal and the Frustrated Fraulein (Episode 135)

Uncle Sal and Giacomo stumbled into Giacomo's place after a prolific bout of drinking at a St. Patrick's Day happy hour. Giacomo's girlfriend Brigitte was waiting by the door with her arms crossed and her eyes narrowed. She wore an orange polka-dot crop top that was probably two sizes too small and a piece of denim that could have been called a skirt if it were three inches longer.

"What took you guys so long? You've been gone for two and a half hours."

"Baby, it's St. Paddy's Day."

"Ja, and vat's that mean to me? You said you vould come home and prepare some Irish feast for us."

Uncle Sal removed his blue balmoral hat with the green checkered band and sat down on the couch.

"And I will," Giacomo said.

"Ja, almost two hours later than you said you vould."

"We ran into some guys from the Grackles. They bought us a round. We bought them a round. And so it goes, y'know. Oh, and I kind of volunteered you to make a batch of your chokolatballe for the next event."

"Ja, OK. How many guys vill be there?"

"Ummm...three hundred or so."

"Three hundred? You volunteered me to make my Nussbaumchokolatballe for three hundred drunken men in funny hats? Do you have any idea how long it takes to make just a couple dozen? Und you vant me to make enough for your whole silly club?"

"Baby, you're beautiful when you're angry."

"Stuff it in a pepper. I cannot believe you vould make such an offer. Vat makes you think I vant to something like zis for your club? Zis is a terrible imposition on my time. Especially, since I vas promised a big meal and at ze moment, my stomach is empty."

Brigitte said a lot of things that neither Giacomo nor Uncle Sal understood. Even though he didn't know the words, Uncle Sal knew the tone. Giacomo was being cursed out in a language he didn't even understand. With his eyes closed and his head resting on the couch cushions, Uncle Sal said, "He ain't even told ya the best part. The event is Friday. That means you have two days to make these magical chocolate balls Giacomo has told us all about. Looks like yer gonna need to bake up, little floozie."

This episode featured:
Everson Everly as Uncle Sal
Friedrich "Free" Byrd as Giacomo
Louisa Braun as Brigitte
and
Jellybean Merengue as the crop top.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Maybe that's what hell is: eternity spent in Weehawken."

Uncle Sal and the Magnificent Muumuus (Episode 130)

Uncle Sal had parked his Dodge Dart and was walking to The Crow Bar when he saw Thurman "Bear" Trapp waiting outside Maude's Maison de Muumuus.

"Bear, what on earth ya doin' here?"

Bear pointed inside the store and said, "I'm waiting on these two guys: Pete and Treat Smeet."

Uncle Sal fingered his Irksome Ibex cuff links and looked inside. He saw two hulking guys browsing through racks of floral print dresses that looked like small tents. "And why would them two strapping young lads be looking for a muumuu?"

A pine cone fell onto Bear's head and he kicked it into the street. "They are being inducted into the Fraternal Order of Grackles. One part of their initiation is, well, the public humiliation. The senior members decided that these two guys need to wear a muumuu with combat boots and then go to some dance club. I mean, they can't possibly be inconspicuous wearing something like this, but some members are going to be there with them, making sure they don't just stand in the corner and hide until the place closes. Those other members are going to make sure these guys stay the dance floor all night where so other dancers can take all the photos they want. Thing is, these guys don't find it the least bit embarrassing. They're looking forward to it. They've even said they'll pose with anyone who wants a photo."

"Hmmm. I'm not sure I'd be so excited about doin' sump'n like that. But from what yer tellin' me Bear, the Smeets have no shame."

This episode featured:
Wallace Gownes as Uncle Sal
Seamus Skertz as Thurman "Bear" Trapp
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pine cone.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Never chase buses or women. You'll always be left behind."