Uncle Sal and the Bitten Baseballer (Episode 137)

Uncle Sal removed his tangerine-colored balmoral cap and settled in next to Joe at The Crow Bar. He motioned for a Spud's and a shot of whiskey and glanced at the flat screen television behind the bar and saw the score of the Wombats game. The team was losing by three runs but it was still in the early innings.

"Say, Joe. Didja see the game last night?"

"No, I missed it."

"But ya heard about it, right? The incident with Arn Freeberg?"

"Yeah, I heard about it. Pretty crazy stuff."

"You don't know the half of it. I talked to the third base coach this morning. He gave me the story. Seems when Freeberg came up to bat in the ninth with a chance to win the game, the catcher Palmeiro was talkin' all kinda junk tryin' to get into Arn's head. He was throwin' all kinda stuff at him. You know, that Freeberg's wife was pregnant with Palmeiro's kid, that Arn's wife was workin' at a local strip club. That he couldn't hit a watermelon with a sledge hammer. Y'know, the sort of stuff ballplayers have been sayin' forever, tryin'a get into the opponent's head. Well, that was all well and good, but then just before the pitch where Freeberg struck out to end the game, Palmeiro called Arn's mom a Swedish meatball. Everyone knows Freeberg's mom is a Finn."

"And that's why he bit Palmeiro?"

"That's the story I got from the third base coach. Just goes to show you, when you mention his mama, you're talkin' on the bitin' side of Free."

This episode featured:
Errol "Strawberry" Fielder as Uncle Sal
Gunther Mounds as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the television.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Lady, you need some Band-Aids."

Uncle Sal and the Championship Bout (Episode 12)

Uncle Sal entered the Crow Bar and was greeted by one of the regulars, Hubie, who always sat in the same stool at the end of the bar. "Sal, did you watch the match?"

"What match?"

"The boxing match. You know, Songstad versus Birdsong. The Swedish Swashbuckler lost in a split decision against the Fostoria Flash."

Uncle Sal picked up his pint glass from the bar and felt a cold drop of condensation fall onto the leg of his lime green leisure suit. "More like the Swedish Meatball and the Fostoria Flop."

"Whatta ya mean? You didn't think it was a good fight?"

"Of course not. It was the worst thing I ever saw. Those two tomato cans, all they did was dance around and clutch each other the entire time. And when they did throw a punch, they were nowhere near hitting the other guy. Those dang palookas, they couldn't hit water if they fell out of a boat. How they get off charging fifty bucks to watch something like that on television, I'll never know. Both of those boxers are an embarrassment to the sport. And it ain't easy to embarrass boxing."

"They're already talking about a rematch. I'm telling ya, I can't wait for that."

"I can. If there is a rematch, ain't no way I'm watching it. I already seen that mess and I know two songs don't make a fight."

This episode featured:
Phil Rupp as Uncle Sal
Tommy Plummer as Hubie
and
Jellybean Merengue as the pint glass

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "No, I wouldn't like fries with that."

[23 October 2007]