Uncle Sal and the Swimmer's Statue (Episode 56)

Giacomo pulled his lime green Dodge Swinger into the parking lot of Salmon P. Chase High School and parked it in the fire lane in front of the stairs. Uncle Sal waited for Giacomo to open the door for Lavonna, so he could climb out of the back seat. Uncle Sal put on his nutmeg-colored porkpie hat and said, "Why on earth did you want to bring us here before we go to the Indian casino?"

Giacomo slid his Wolfman key chain into the pocket of his pants and pointed to the sign at the foot of the stairs in front of the school.

Uncle Sal read the sign that announced this as the future location of a sculpture of two-time Olympic swimming silver medalist Floyd "The Hound" Doblerman by fellow Chase High School alumnus Jenny Jankovic.

"Isn't that awesome? Jenny was in my class, we were pretty good friends. I mean, we've sort of lost touch, but I still hear from her now and again. And now she's going to do a sculpture of an Olympic hero."

Uncle Sal pointed at the sketch of the sculpture. "The heck is that?"

"Oh, that's Jenny's medium. She works mostly with discarded old cans and foil. You know, one woman's trash is another woman's treasure."

Uncle Sal nodded. "What the heck izzat on the guy's back? Is that a fin? You sure he's a swimmer and not some kinda circus freak?"

Giacomo nodded. "Yeah, it's a fin. I mean, he doesn't really have a fin. It's metaphorical. Pretty clever, eh?

"Yeah, I get it. It's tin for the Jenny and fin for The Hound."

This episode featured:
Alastair Flemister as Giacomo
Betty House as Lavonna
Grant Wiszevski as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Wolfman keychain

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "When I asked about it, you just hit me with your shoe."

Buckeyes 43, Penguins 0

Isn't it great to have college football back? I think I enjoy the return of college football a little more every year.

The Good
We certainly got to see a lot of players on the field in this game, which I thought was great. This is a talented squad and it was good to see that this season and future seasons are in very capable hands. Plus, with so many players seeing playing time, future opponents have a lot to prepare for.
Offense
Boeckman, as expected, was very accurate. I wouldn't say he set the world on fire, but he did what we have come to expect from him. Beanie delivered the goods too. The guy is just an incredible back. Brian Hartline once again showed that if it's close, he can catch it. His first catch of the game was brilliant. Boeckman put the ball right where it needed to be and Hartline tracked it down. Speaking of brilliant...Terrelle Pryor is going to be very tough to defend. Ryan Pretorius looked like the return of the Nuge. It looks like the Buckeyes will have a reliable kicking game, which is always a positive. Mo Wells had some good runs when he got his hand on the ball. When your #4 running back can go for 6 yards a carry, you are doing something right. Also a promising sign was the fact that the offense didn't take many penalties.
Defense
What can you say about the defense? it allowed only 73 yards on 39 plays. Marcus Freeman had a very good game as did Jermale Hines. The running game for the Penguins was nonexistent, not that the passing game was much better. I really liked the performance by the defense.

The Bad
OK, so it's really hard to find a lot of bad things in this performance. The offense settled for far too many field goals, but the team still won by 43 points. Honestly, I don't have anything else to put here.

The Ugly
I think we all know what has to go here. Seeing Beanie go down in the third quarter, and then seeing him carted off the field must have caused all of us to hold our breath. What makes it worse is that it was such a weird play. It was hard to see when the injury might have occurred. The good news is that the Buckeyes won't need him next week, but I certainly hope this injury won't keep him out of the USC game.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
In a game like this one, it's always difficult to pick a UtR player of the game, but you know, dear reader, that I will not let you down. Lots of players got on the field and lots of players showed us some good stuff. Grant Schwartz had a couple special teams tackles. Dane Sanzenbacher had some good blocks. But I have to say the UtR player of the game is Marcus Freeman. He seemed like he was everywhere. It's hard to believe he only finished with 6 tackles.

Let's hope Beanie's foot is OK, and that the defense can keep this going.

Uncle Sal and the Dear Dinner (Episode 55)

The waiter came to the table with the bill right after Alice and Giacomo's new girlfriend Lavonna had gone to the restroom. Giacomo picked up the little folder with La Grenouille Bleue in gold letters on the front. He looked at the bill and his eyes widened.

"Holy crud! A hundred and seventy-five dollars just for me and Lavonna? Eight dollars for a beer? I wish I would have known that before I ordered three of them."

Uncle Sal took the folder from him and looked at his bill. He shrugged. "Good thing I won some money at the track today."

Giacomo shook his head as he removed his wallet. He didn't have enough cash to cover his half, so he took out one of his credit cards. "I can't believe it. I mean, that was a good beer, but it wasn't that good."

Uncle Sal said, "You worry too much. It ain't like we're gonna come to this place alla time. It's something you can afford to do once in a while. Besides, your total ain't nearly as bad as my friend Dean Huffleminz when he went to a place like this one time. He was celebratin' a promotion and he brought his wife and in-laws to this fancy-schmancy place, kinda like this one, only a little more highfalutin. Well, Dean tells everyone at the start of the meal, 'Don't worry about the price. I'm buyin' tonight.'" Uncle Sal sipped his water then dried the drop of water that had fallen on the ameythyst porkpie hat he held in his lap. (He didn't trust them to check his hat after the recent coat-check scandal.)

"Well, let me tell ya sump'n. At the enda the night, he wished he hadn't told 'em not to worry about the price. They got the works, wine, lobster, baked Alaska. Ol' Dean gets the bill at the end of the meal. You know how much it was? Eight hunnerd dollars. I don't know if is promotion was that big."

"Eight hundred dollars? For dinner? That's absurd."

Uncle Sal handed the folder back to Giacomo and said, "You see? It could be worse. Sure, your bill may seem like a lot, but your hunnerd and seventy-five dollars don't amount to the bill of Dean's."

This episode featured:
Dirk Denkinger as Giacomo
Lucy Hare as Alice
Marijana Albuquerque as Lavonna
Taj Bullard as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the folder

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I'm wearing fur pajamas."

Uncle Sal and the Leering Lawyer (Episode 54)

Giacomo sat on the sofa waiting for Uncle Sal to finish getting dressed so they could go to the demolition derby. He picked up a little notebook next to Uncle Sal's ocher porkpie hat on the table. He leafed through a couple pages and called out, "What's this?"

Uncle Sal came into the living room and said, "Oh that. That's my notebook from when I was a detective."

"Looks like you were working on a case involving someone named Potter."

"Oh yeah. The Potter case. Seems there was this guy peeping into the women's dorms at ol' Cotton U. So, my partner and I brought in some people that kind of fit the description of the Peepin' Tom. One of the guys we brought in was Sylvester Potter. Real shifty sort of fella, beady eyes too close together and would never look ya inna eyes when he talked. If you were gonna sketch a peepin' Tom, he'd be a pretty good model."

Uncle Sal disappeared briefly and returned to the living room, putting his suspenders on. "Real problem came about when his mother came tot he station. A real virago, that one. She comes in, barking at me about bringing her son in as a suspect. Tole me he couldn't be no peepin' Tom because he's smart and a lawyer, and that this accusation would hurt his career. Like that's any of my concern. Ya meet some real crackpots when you work for the police, I'll tell ya."

"So, whatever happened with Sylvester Potter?"

"Well, he beat that rap, but a few years later, they hauled the guy in again for peepin'. Seems my diagnosis of him was right."

Giacomo flipped a few pages in the notebook and saw what Uncle Sal had written: Shrill Potter's son - CREEP.

This episode featured:
Bruno Babb as Uncle Sal
Blaine Bong as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the suspenders.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I wore a mustache and parted my hair, and gave the impression that I didn't care."

Uncle Sal and the Dentifrice Dearth (Episode 53)

Uncle Sal removed his pomegranate-colored porkpie hat as he entered Sonny's Supermarket with Alice to buy some lamb for dinner with Giacomo and his new girlfriend. He was barely inside the door when he was nearly bowled over by Milt Leary, who was mumbling aloud.

"Take it easy, there Milt. What seems to be the problem?"

"I'll tell ya what's the problem. I just came in here looking for toothpaste. I like that Sabre toothpaste. It's the only one I ever use. Well, I'm in the toothpaste aisle and I'm looking at all the kinds of toothpastes they have. I don't see any Sabre."

Alice picked up a gossip magazine to check out what was going on in the lives of various celebrities as Milt continued his story.

"I go and I ask the cashier what's the deal. Last time I was in here, they had Sabre, now they don't. Cashier tells me that they don't carry Sabre at this store anymore, but the store in Manchester still does. Now I gotta drive twenty miles to Manchester just to get my dang toothpaste."

With that Milt, stormed out of the store and headed for his car. Alice looked up from a story about a celebrity who had just given birth to a baby that looked just like Elvis, and said, "What's the big deal? Can't he just use another toothpaste? There are hundreds of them."

"Well, you'd like to think so, but it sounds to me like there's no Crest for the Leary."

This episode featured:
Jacques Strappe as Uncle Sal
Althea Lader as Alice
Emile Dupont as Milt
and
Jellybean Merengue as the gossip magazine

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "That sure is one bonehead name."

My interview with Finnish writer Kimmo Lamminen

In a little corner of Orange County, California, called Little Turku (it doesn't have enough of a Finnish presence to be known as Little Helsinki), I met up with the author of the Uncle Sal Chronicles. Gary stands six feet tall, but with his wild mane of curly hair he stands at least six feet three inches. He agreed to meet me at Markku's House of Stew and Grog for dinner and a couple of Harry Wallpapers.

So, you recently wrapped up the first year of the Uncle Sal Chronicles.

That's right.

I have to tell you that Uncle Sal is an icon in Finland, wildly popular.

That just tells me that Finnish people have impeccable taste.

I also have to tell you that your sense of humor is as unusual as your fashion sense.

Oh, you're only saying that because I'm wearing a monocle, bow tie and spats.

Indeed. With a rugby shirt and cargo shorts. Tell me, how did this idea of the Uncle Sal Chronicles come to you?

Well, Sven...

It's Kimmo.

Right. How did it come to me? Let me tell you. One day I was sitting in my lentil chair.

Lentil chair?

Yes, it's like a bean bag chair. The shell is made entirely of duct tape and it is filled with red lentils. Anywho, I was sitting in my lentil chair and I said to myself. I have a tendency to talk to myself, you know. I said to myself, "You know, Gary, instead of waiting for some publisher to realize how brilliant your writing is, you should just publish your own stuff." So that's what I did. You could say that the Uncle Sal Chronicles were born in my lentil chair.

Is it true that Uncle Sal is based on one of your uncles?

Why? What have you heard?

Heard? I...

I'm afraid I can neither confirm nor deny that.

When you started the Uncle Sal Chronicles, did you see it as something that could last this long?

That's a real good question, Ricky.

Kimmo.

Right. To be honest, I wasn't really sure I'd be doing the Uncle Sal Chronicles for a year. I basically just wanted to write something that would make me laugh. The fact that I entertain others, whether here in the States or in Finland, or anywhere, that's a tremendous compliment.

Do you think you can get another year out of the Uncle Sal Chronicles?

That's a real difficult question to answer. Who can say what will happen a year from now, or even a minute from now? I could win the lottery tomorrow...although probably not since I haven't bought a ticket. No, the thing is, as long as there's a pun that makes me laugh, I won't have any need to finish writing this. [laughs] Finnish. That's funny. I'll write until I'm Finnish. [Laughs hysterically. After about a minute, he regains his breath and sips his Harry Wallpaper.]

So, if I may be so bold.

Oooh! This is gonna be a good question.

Let's hope so. What would you say is your favorite episode?

My favorite episode. Hmmmmm. Well, it's not easy to pick one, because they're all brilliant. It's like, if you have a litter of genius kids and you have to say which one you like best. I'd have to say Uncle Sal's Close Call is right up there. Uncle Sal and the Relieved Roller is a very good one. Heck, they're all good. Can I say they're all my favorite? Great. that's what I'll do then.

Let me ask you, what sort of reaction do you want to provoke in readers?

Whoa! You mean like, if I'm sitting in someone's lap as she or he reads the Uncle Sal Chronicles, what sort of reaction do I want to see? I have to tell you I'm not like that. I don't just go and sit in the lap of a reader.

That's not what I meant at all. I just meant, when someone gets to the end of an episode, what sort of reaction do you want him or her to have?

Well, that's different. The response I'm really looking for is a graugh.

A graph? I'm afraid I don't understand.

One time, a loyal reader named JL told me that he got to the end of an episode and didn't know whether to groan or laugh. I'd say that's the perfect response to Uncle Sal. Or an arched eyebrow, a roll of the eyes. As long as the response isn't blind rage.

What can we expect in year two?

Well, I suppose what you can expect is more wacky adventures, more graughs, and more puns. Oh, and more stories about monkeys. Monkeys are always funny.

Finally, what is the deal with Jellybean Merengue?

Ah yes! I get that question a lot. People are always asking me what is the deal with Jellybean, so I know exactly how to deal with it. Jellybean Merengue is...are you ready for this? Get your pen ready. Jellybean Merengue is the only character to appear in every episode.

Ummmm right. Well, thank you for your time. It certainly has been a pleasure.

You bet it's been a pleasure...for you [grins].

Uncle Sal and the Poultry Projectile (Episode 52)

Uncle Sal and John arrived at Giacomo's place for their guys night out at the Wombats doubleheader and whatever followed. Giacomo laughed when he opened the door and saw Uncle Sal wearing a black stovepipe hat with the Wombats logo on it. He patted his pockets and felt that he had everything he needed: keys, wallet, flask. "Let's go."

"It's just you? I thought you were bringing a friend."

"I thought so too," Giacomo answered. "Turns out today is the first day of grouse season and he wouldn't miss it for the world."

They walked to the Dodge Dart and Uncle Sal said, "I ain't much on grouse myself. They're a little gamy and you can't get much meat offa them. I know a guy, Garth Ormbostad, who is crazy about grouse. Has a two-foot-tall statue of a grouse, made of brass, right by his front door. First thing you see when you walk into his house. Course his wife hates it, but he polishes that thing like it's an Oscar. The thing is absolutely his pride and joy. Or was.

One time, Garth invited a buncha us over for a card game. One of the guys brought a friend called Vince Jones. Big moose of a guy. Well, Garth welcomes him in and says, 'What can I get you to drink, bro?' This moose just scowls at Garth. 'What did you say?' Garth repeats himself, 'What can I get you to drink, bro?'

Well, this guy Vince takes the statue by the door and he just heaves it out the open door. Wouldn't you know it? A moving truck comes by just as that statue's above the street. It bounces off the grill of the truck and onto the curb where it ends up all dented and mangled."

Giacomo looked at Uncle Sal with wide eyes. "Are you serious? He did that?"

"Course I'm serious. I saw it with my own two eyes. Just goes to show you. People who live with brass grouses shouldn't 'bro' Jones."

[Editor's note: We realize that the preferred plural of grouse is, in fact, grouse. However, the author decided it was "funnier in context" if he used the less preferred, and therefore less correct plural grouses. He didn't find it quite as funny when he was given 30 lashes with an al dente piece of linguine.]

This episode featured:
Walter Mellon as Uncle Sal
Warren Pease as John
Lester Blue as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the flask.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."