Uncle Sal and the Dubious Drama (Episode 60)

At a booth in the Liberty Bull Steakhouse, Uncle Sal opened the entertainment section of the newspaper and said, "What do you know about that?"

Giacomo lowered his menu and said, "What?"

Uncle Sal moved aside the Betsy Ross syrup bottle and showed the headline that the community theater was going to put on a production of Our Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse.

"Who's PG Wodehouse?"

Uncle Sal snatched the paper back from Giacomo and said, "Whatsa matter with ya? Ain'tcha ever read anything? PG Wodehouse wrote all these books with a butler named Jeeves. Now, Jeeves's employer was always getting into these situations. Inevitably, he'd ask Jeeves for advice and Jeeves would come up with some crackpot scheme that only made the situation worse. They're funny stories."

He read on in the article and said, "Will you look at that? They got this guy Tab Graff to play Jeeves. That's hard to believe. Guy used to live up the street from me. I never met a bigger sourpuss than this guy. Ain't got a funny bone in his body and they got him as the lead in this play."

The waitress came to the table to take Giacomo's and Uncle Sal's orders. Uncle Sal put down the paper and said, "I'll have the liver and onions, extra onions." Then he picked up the paper again and shook his head at the article about the upcoming play. "I can't believe it. I just can't imagine this unfunny guy in a Wodehouse play. Well, in any case it should be interesting to see what happens when the director Graffs up his Jeeves."

This episode featured:
Otis Dobler as Uncle Sal
LJ Whiffenmyer as Giacomo
Cornelia Couch as the waitress
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Betsy Ross syrup bottle.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I AM the king."

Buckeyes 34, Golden Gophers 21

Now that looked like a team that showed up to play...for the most part.

The Good
Offense
When your starting quarterback only throws 13 passes, you must be doing something right. Terrelle Pryor showed why he was the top recruit in the country, running for 97 yards on just 8 carries. Beanie needed only 14 carries to get 105 yards. Dan Herron chipped in for another 51 yards. It was nice to see Brian Robiskie again. Someone must have gotten him the message that he needed to make himself noticeable if he plans on getting drafted. (Or maybe he saw my question of the week.) The offense also had some bona fide highlights. Beanie hurdling that defender was pretty sweet. I absolutely loved when Pryor got to the sideline and lowered his shoulder to knock a defender to the ground before he went out of bounds. Robiskie's second TD grab was pretty impressive.

Defense
Speaking of players showing up again...it was nice to see Laurinaitis have a big game. The defense was actually able to get some pressure on Weber, and come up with some tackles for a loss. We haven't seen enough of that from the defense yet. I don't care who the opponent is, if you allow only 80 rushing yards, you've done pretty well. Malcolm Jenkins had a pretty solid game, as did Ross Homan and Curtis Terry. Nathan Williams didn't show up with a lot of big numbers in the stats, but I liked what I saw from him.

The Bad
I've found this year that it's easier to group all of the bad together instead of dividing it between the offense and defense. This wasn't a horrible thing, but I wouldn't have minded a little more variety on first down. The Buckeyes threw (to the tight end!) on the first play of the game. After that, on nearly every first down for at least the rest of the first half, the Buckeyes ran the ball right behind the center. There were a few times when the defense could have done a much better job of containing the runner or receiver. In the first half, the Buckeyes once again settled for field goals. Granted, they got away with it, but it would be nice to see them put an opponent away more definitively.

The Ugly
Penalties. Frankly, that's all I need to say about that. Sure, some of the penalties were questionable, but 10 penalties for 90 yards is unacceptable. As far as I'm concerned, only one other thing goes here: Beanie's fumble. It was a good play by the defender, no question about it, particularly since Beanie was more or less tied up. Still, that's the kind of thing that can swing momentum.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
In a game like this, it's not easy to pick an Under the Radar player of the game, simply because there was no play that turned the tide. But, in this case, it is relatively easy. When the offense can rack up nearly 300 yards rushing, that means the offensive line did its job. I've been critical of the offensive line so far this year, so I feel I should recognize the guys up front for a job well done in this game.

I will not be able to catch the next two games, so I would like to enlist your help. For the Wisconsin and Purdue games, perhaps you could e-mail your comments about the game to me, and I can compile and post them here. If you want, send me your thoughts and let me know who you think is the UtR player of the game.

Uncle Sal and the Dating Dilemma (Episode 59)

Uncle Sal hung his marigold porkpie hat on the rack by the door and joined his friends for his weekly pinochle game. He reached into the bowl of peanut butter pretzels on the table and waited as John shuffled the new deck of Mannix playing cards.

As John shuffled, Sal said, "I gotta call from Giacomo right before I left the house. He tells me he's got a problem. He's dating two different girls. I tell him we should all have such a problem. Turns out he does have kind of a dilemma on his hands."

John dealt the cards and Uncle Sal looked at his hand. "So this one girl, Angie Behr, she and her family are going out for the first day of duck season, and they invited Giacomo along. Great, right? Who don't love duck huntin'? Then this other girl Louella Pound, Giacomo tells me she's got a body like a gymnast. Anyway, the same day she invites him to come and play in her family's annual flag football game."

Uncle Sal popped a couple pretzels in his mouth and washed them down with a sip of Spud's Beer. "He's goin' on and on about what is he gonna do. Like he's the poorest guy in the world because two women want him to hang out with their families on the same day. I gotta tell ya, after a while, I stopped listening. I mean, some guys have enough time handling one girl at a time. I gotta give him points for havin' two on the hook."

John looked over his cards and said, "So, what's he gonna do about his unfortunate situation?"

"I dunno what he's gonna do. I reckon I'd try to do both if I could. If he's lucky, he'll gun with the Behrs and punt with the Pounds."

This episode featured
Tommy Barks as Uncle Sal
Major Cherry as John
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bowl of peanut butter pretzels.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line."

Buckeyes 28, Trojans 10

Well, that was...adequate. Who would have ever thought we would be forced to describe a win over Troy as adequate?

The Good
Offense
While Terrelle Pryor didn't exactly put up video game numbers, he did throw 4 TD passes in only 16 attempts. OK, so it was against Troy, but throwing a TD every 4 pass attempts is pretty decent. Add to that his 62 yards rushing, and it makes you wonder how different that game against USC might have been if Pryor had spent more time on the field. Herron had a very good game. Although again I have to say that I'm not sure why the coaching staff went away from him in the 2nd quarter. Since Beanie went down, he has clearly set himself apart from the other running backs. That being the case, why not put the guy to good use? Feed the hot hand. Pryor also completed passes to 6 different receivers, including 2 to the fullback and 1 to the tight end. Yes, really.

Defense
Credit to Jermale Hines and Lawrence Wilson, who I would say have been the most consistent defensive players thus far. Hines seemed like he was everywhere at the beginning of the game and Lawrence Wilson seems like the only member of the defensive line that has made himself noticeable this year. Kurt Coleman also had a good game with a lot of tackles and 2 interceptions. It was real nice to see the defense come up with 2 sacks, if only to remind us that the defensive line still exists.

The Bad
The Buckeyes were actually outgained by Troy. Granted, not by much, but they did allow 315 yards to the Trojans. That's a mildly disturbing statistic.

Someone has to teach AJ Trapasso how to use the sideline. He did pin the Trojans deep on two occasions, but he could have added two more to that total if only he would learn to use the sideline instead of counting on some fortuitous roll.

I wasn't thrilled about the Buckeyes play calls on some 3rd down plays. Specifically, the option keeper for Pryor (in which Herron was so close that one guy could cover both QB and RB) and the end around to Hartline. If you are going to try something like that, maybe don't wait until it's 3rd down and 8.

I also can't say I agree with the play calling on the last drive of the 1st half. The Buckeyes got the ball with a little less than 2 minutes to play, but didn't take a shot at the end zone until only 1 second remained in the half.

The Ugly
Yes, I know it was an 18-point victory, but there was still some ugly stuff in the game. The tackling was atrocious at times. In particular, on Troy's one touchdown, the tackling was pathetic. Freeman could have wrapped the receiver up for a minimal gain, but he missed. Unfortunately, he wasn't the only one. forty-five yards (and about 4 missed tackles) later, the guy was in the end zone to make it 14-10.

Penalties were another ugly part of the game. Looking at the stats, it's hard to believe that the Buckeyes only had 6 penalties. Troy did decline some penalties on plays where they made a first down, otherwise that stat would have been worse for the Buckeyes.

What on earth was Robiskie doing on that one long pass where he attempted to catch the ball with only one hand? If he had actually put some effort into that, he would have had a long TD. I wish I knew exactly what happened, but it looked to me like he was Cadillacking it.

Question of the Day
Didn't you used to be Brian Robiskie?

Under the Radar Player of the Game
It was nice to see the Buckeyes actually show some fire after one mediocre game, and one outright stinky game. This has to go to Jermale Hines, because at the beginning of the game when everyone else was moving like molasses, he was making plays. It was nice to see that someone wanted to play.

Uncle Sal and the Chewbacca Cycle (Episode 58)

Uncle Sal and Alice arrived at the Shooting Gallery where Giacomo's new girlfriend Tricia developed and displayed her photos. They stepped inside and Uncle Sal removed his cadmium yellow porkpie hat.

Giacomo said, "Thanks for coming down here. Trish just went out to get something to eat, but I'll show you around." He led them around the studio pointing out different photographs. This is one she just took of me last weekend. The photo showed Giacomo alone on the beach, looking out at the ocean. It looked like it could have been an album cover for some band.

"And this is the dark room. This is where she develops all her photos."

"Whattinna heck is that?" Uncle Sal pointed to the brown bicycle in the corner. "Some kinda Sasquatch bike?"

"Oh that! Isn't that awesome? That's her Chewbacca bike. Trish designed and built that herself. She's kind of a Jackie-of-all-trades. So, as you can see, she's painted his face on the front. She's also got his face on the seat. Check out the detail of the painting."

Uncle Sal bent down to inspect the paint job. The bike had been painted to look like the brown fur of the Star Wars creature. "Boy, that's a heckuva job. Big Star Wars fan, is she?"

"One of the biggest. Oh yeah!" Giacomo stood up. "I love this detail." He pointed to the handlebars. Each end of the handlebars was capped with a small chrome Chewbacca head. "Next up are the pedals." Giacomo moved toward Trish's desk and removed a small paper bag. "Check this out." From the bag, he removed a chrome pedal in the shape of a hairy foot.

Uncle Sal took the pedal in his hand and looked at it. "Look at that. She do this herself?"

"She sure did."

Uncle Sal closed one eye and studied the pedal closely. "Well, I'll be. That's a fine pedal of Trish."

This episode featured:
Royal Leffingham as Uncle Sal
Beatrice Filppula as Alice
Bryant Humptulips as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the foot-shaped pedal.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "There's a beverage here!"

Trojans 35, Buckeyes 3

I hate doing these when Ohio State does what it did tonight. Nonetheless, I will move onward and provide my insights. In fact, as I write this, I don't know if the game is officially over. But I didn't need to see the end of that stinker to write about it.

The Good
This is real simple. The Buckeyes first field goal drive, and the TD drive that was nullified due to some "penalty" were good. Chimdi Chekwa's interception was good.

Everything (and yes, I mean everything) else goes into the bad or the ugly. Take your pick. The offensive line stunk. The defensive line stunk. The officiating was horrible at best. Anderson Russell got posterized on 2 different TD plays. What it boils down to is this. (And I know that most sports media guys aren't willing to put this label on college kids.) This Ohio State team has NO heart. There are a lot of seniors on this team, but no leaders. You want to know the secret to beating this Buckeyes team? Just get a lead on them and they will go all armadillo on you. Really. It's that simple. I imagine this was the first of at least three losses for the Buckeyes this year. I think they will also get shellacked by Wisconsin and Penn State. Great job, Buckeyes. Way to make yourselves the least watchable team in the FBS.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
You might think I'd have a hard time finiding a UtR player of this game. You'd be wrong. Nothing was more under the radar than the Buckeyes desire to actually play football. So the Buckeyes total lack of heart is the UtR player of the game. Well done.

Uncle Sal and the Forgotten Food (Episode 57)

Giacomo opened the door to Uncle Sal's place and said, "Oh, hi, Alice. Uncle Sal, I got your tickets for the dwarf rodeo." He put the tickets on the kitchen counter next to Uncle Sal's cerulean porkpie hat, then sniffed the air. "What is that you're cooking?"

"Scrapple."

"What on earth is scrapple?"

"It's pork mush. You know how they call hot dogs 'everything but the oink'? It's kind of like that. You cut off a slice, fry it up, then put some ketchup on it. Maybe serve it with some eggs. Friend of mine name of Jeb Harrell is from Pennsylvania. Swears by the the stuff. Well, last time he went back there, I asked him to bring some back for me. he did, but then I stuck it in the freezer and kinda fergot about it. Every time he sees me, he asks if I cooked up the scrapple yet. I just seen him at the store, and of course he asked me again did I cook the scrapple. I told him no. He gets all upset. Tells me 'You've had that for how long now? You're the one asked me to bring it to you. I ain't never gonna bring you scrapple again.' So I told him I'd come home and fry it immediately. Sounded pretty good to me, anyway. I invited Alice over so she could try some. You want a slice or two?"

Giacomo answered, "Sure, I'll have some."

Uncle Sal served up the scrapple and eggs. Giacomo put some ketchup on it, took a bite and said, "Mmmm. It's better than I expected. I'm glad he convinced you to cook it."

"Yeah, it tastes good, and it'll get Jeb off my back. I can't believe how he got all bent outta shape about it. I guess the forgotten scrapple roils the Harrell."

This episode featured:
Wendell Wimpleton as Giacomo
Frieda Flanagan as Alice
Kip Crum as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the ketchup.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I ain't your friend, palooka."

Buckeyes 26, Bobcats 14

OK, big sigh of relief. And the fact that we need a big sigh of relief after a game against OU is a little horrifying.

The Good
Believe it or not, there are some things to put here. Lawrence Wilson had a good game. His tip and interception (not to mention the return) were outstanding. Jermale Hines had a great hit that put the starting QB out of the game. Of course, that meant the backup came in and was able to do what he did, but the hit against the starter was sweet. Ray Small's punt return was awesome. He looked a lot like Ted Ginn on that play with his breakaway speed. Dan Herron ran pretty well when he got the chance. Now, any Buckeye fan knows that the team is good for at least one of these stinker games every season. Let's hope they got it out of their system. Also, think about this. The Buckeyes were somnambulant for three quarters of the game and still won by 12. That pretty much concludes the good.

The Bad
Offense
How about the fact that the Buckeyes were losing by 8 in the 3rd quarter to the OU Bobcats? That in itself would be bad enough. Unfortunately, that wasn't all. The offense was sluggish at best. Receivers dropped balls that went right through their hands. The running backs did a tremendous job of running right into the pile created by the utter lack of blocking by the offensive line. Brian Robiskie thus far has done his best impression of the Invisible Man. By the 3rd quarter, the offense looked like it hadn't worn down the OU defense at all.

Defense
On some plays, it looked like we didn't have any linebackers in the game. The defensive line was hardly noticeable. I don't remember hearing Larimore's name until the 3rd quarter. Someone might want to check if Robert Rose was actually in the game. I sure didn't notice him. Overall, they made a backup QB look like Vince Young...or at least Juice Williams.

The Ugly
Third down was pathetic on both sides of the ball. The Bobcats were able to convert 9 of 17, while the Buckeyes were only able to convert 5 of 15. That is not going to work against USC. I will NEVER understand why, on 3rd down, you throw a pass that doesn't even reach the first down marker. Why do this? If it's 3rd and 5, don't throw a 2-yard pass. Throw a 5-yard pass. Revolutionary, I know. The Buckeyes won the turnover battle 4 to 1, but weren't able to convert those turnovers into any significant points. Pretorius's two missed kicks were about as ugly as I have ever seen. At least he was a team player and joined the funk with everyone else. Finally, the worst part of this game was that not one of the seniors tried to rally the troops. You would think that if the team is losing by 8 points to OU in the 3rd quarter, one of those guys might step up, raise his voice and say, "I don't know about you guys, but I am NOT going to lose to Ohio U!" The team showed no heart and looked like it was well on its way to losing to a MAC team.

Dumb comment of the day.
This belongs to Ray Bentley. After a particularly lousy throw to Hartline on the sideline sailed out of bounds by at least 4 yards, Bentley talked about how lucky Boeckman was because if the DB had intercepted it, he would have taken it for 6. Yeah, Ray. Maybe the DB would have intercepted it...if he were 9 feet tall.

Under the Radar Player of the Game
As mentioned, Lawrence Wilson had a really good game. He looked like he was on his way to capturing the UtR player of the game. That is, until Shaun Lane recovered that fumbled punt. That is the sort of play that makes someone the UtR player of the game.

Get ready for a long week of all the experts throwing dirt on the Buckeyes. That will be particularly unsavory for those of us living in soCal. And let's hope they got all of that lethargy and funk out of their system. if the Buckeyes play like that against the Trojans, they'll be done by halftime.