Uncle Sal and the Muddled Manuscript (Episode 71)

Uncle Sal entered John's place for the weekly pinochle game and went immediately to the fridge. He moved aside a turnip and took a cold Spud's beer for himself. As he moved toward the table, Joe said, "I didn't know you were a St. Louis Cardinals fan. And who's number eleven?"

"Who's number eleven? It's Jose Oquendo. First guy to play all nine positions in a single season."

Where ya been, Sal? You been real hard to get a hold of these last few weeks."

Uncle Sal popped a pistachio into his mouth and said, "I been workin' on a novel."

"You've been working on a novel?"

"It ain't so hard to believe, is it?"

"So what's it about?" Joe asked as he dealt the cards.

"Well, it's about Sasquatch. In my book, he's a private dick. I guess you could say it's a fairly typical private dick novel. There's a beautiful but dangerous broad, and alla that stuff. Just imagine if Philip Marlowe were really hairy. Only thing is, I kinda got bogged down by it. I mean, I started out with Sasquatch, a beautiful dame, a crime. But before I knew it, I had a whole mess of characters I didn't know what to do with. Professional wrestlers, shifty doctors, even a ballplayer. So, to be honest, I was kinda stuck. I had no idea what to do."

Sal sipped from his bottle of Spud's. "Then I started throwing a whole buncha stuff away. Just gettin' rid all kinda things in the story. Long story short, now I'm working on a new novel where Sasquatch is a professional wrestler."

"Sasquatch as a wrestler? Well, I wouldn't want to take him on, that's for sure. How's the new story coming along?"

"So far, so good. I just think I needed to move on from that quagmire I was working on before. Just goes to show you a botched plot never spoils."

This episode featured:
Fred Fizzlewick as Uncle Sal
Norberto "Nobby" Doerr as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the turnip.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice."

Uncle Sal and the Chewbacca Cycle (Episode 58)

Uncle Sal and Alice arrived at the Shooting Gallery where Giacomo's new girlfriend Tricia developed and displayed her photos. They stepped inside and Uncle Sal removed his cadmium yellow porkpie hat.

Giacomo said, "Thanks for coming down here. Trish just went out to get something to eat, but I'll show you around." He led them around the studio pointing out different photographs. This is one she just took of me last weekend. The photo showed Giacomo alone on the beach, looking out at the ocean. It looked like it could have been an album cover for some band.

"And this is the dark room. This is where she develops all her photos."

"Whattinna heck is that?" Uncle Sal pointed to the brown bicycle in the corner. "Some kinda Sasquatch bike?"

"Oh that! Isn't that awesome? That's her Chewbacca bike. Trish designed and built that herself. She's kind of a Jackie-of-all-trades. So, as you can see, she's painted his face on the front. She's also got his face on the seat. Check out the detail of the painting."

Uncle Sal bent down to inspect the paint job. The bike had been painted to look like the brown fur of the Star Wars creature. "Boy, that's a heckuva job. Big Star Wars fan, is she?"

"One of the biggest. Oh yeah!" Giacomo stood up. "I love this detail." He pointed to the handlebars. Each end of the handlebars was capped with a small chrome Chewbacca head. "Next up are the pedals." Giacomo moved toward Trish's desk and removed a small paper bag. "Check this out." From the bag, he removed a chrome pedal in the shape of a hairy foot.

Uncle Sal took the pedal in his hand and looked at it. "Look at that. She do this herself?"

"She sure did."

Uncle Sal closed one eye and studied the pedal closely. "Well, I'll be. That's a fine pedal of Trish."

This episode featured:
Royal Leffingham as Uncle Sal
Beatrice Filppula as Alice
Bryant Humptulips as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the foot-shaped pedal.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "There's a beverage here!"

Uncle Sal and the Sasquatch Sighting (Episode 37)

Uncle Sal walked into the barber shop and hung his copper bowler hat on the hat rack by the door. He had just settled into the barber chair with the apron fastened around his neck when his old friend Clyde MacDowell walked in.

"What are you grinnin' about, Clyde?"

"You know that guy, Vic Gaspard?"

"Sure, I know him. We go way back," Sal replied.

"Well, I just ran into his son Bobby and you're never gonna believe what happened. Seems the young Gaspard was out hiking one day and he came across a Sasquatch."

"Aw, what a buncha baloney! Ain't no such thing as a Sasquatch."

"Yeah, that's what Bobby Gaspard used to think. Like I said, he was out hiking, and he stopped for a minute to eat one of them energy bars. You know the things kinda like chewing on a used tire, but they're supposed to be really good for you? Well, as he's sitting there eating the energy bar, the Sasquatch just came up and asked him if he had an extra energy bar. Well, you can imagine Gaspard's surprise. Here he's out walking and not only does he find a Sasquatch, he finds one that speaks to him. In English."

Uncle Sal waved his hand, dismissing Clyde's story.

"Hear me out, Sal. I ain't got to the best part yet. Well, that ol' Sasquatch didn't even bother to take the wrapper off the energy bar. He just shoved the thing in his mouth and walked away."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

"See it you can my, old friend, next time you run into Bobby Gaspard. He showed me the picture on his cell phone."

Uncle Sal merely chuckled. "Boy, did he pull one over on you. I met kids less gullible than you."

"What are you saying? You don't believe me even though I saw the picture with my own eyes?"

"I ain't saying I don't believe you. I'm saying I don't believe Bobby Gaspard. Why, his old man once told me he found a mermaid in the community pool. If he's anything like his daddy, then he's got a gift for fiction."

"So you don't believe anything I just told you?"

"No, course I don't. First off, ain't no such thing as Sasquatch. But more than that, Bobby's all bull and a Gaspard, Clyde."

This episode featured
Odell Funk as Uncle Sal
Roscoe Horn as Clyde MacDowell
and
Jellybean Merengue as the apron.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Right in the lumberyard."

[22 April 2008]