Giacomo put the cap back onto his Carmen Miranda canteen as Uncle Sal used his Golden State Warriors Joe Barry Carroll jersey to wipe some drops of water from the stubble on his chin.
"Uncle Sal, how do you know we're going the right way?"
"Don't worry. This is the right way. No one knows more about the Legend of Clod like me."
"I'm not so sure about this? Who was this Clod guy anyway?"
"Darius Cloddingus. He was a local legend. Kind of an explorer of all things local. The guy loved to hike, especially in these parts. Now, the legend says that before he went crazy, he buried some treasure somewhere on this mountain. Then he went crazy and naturally, he couldn't remember where he put it."
"But if he had treasure, why would he bury it? It doesn't make any sense."
"Sure it does. Guvmint can't tax it if they don't know it exists. So, he puts it somewhere on the mountain, and goes up to get it when he needs it. Ideally."
He continued the story as they headed up the mountain to search for the treasure.
"Yeah, but how does anyone know that it's actually up there? I mean, there must be loads of people that have looked for it already, and haven't found it. If you ask me, it sounds like an urban legend."
"Well, ain't nobody gonna make you keep goin' up. You can head back if you wanna. But I'll tell ya, if I find the treasure of Clod, I ain't gonna share it with ya."
Giacomo remained silent for an hour until they came to a forked path on the way up the mountain.
"So, which way do we go now?" Giacomo asked.
Uncle Sal looked around and scratched his head. "Well, now that is a good question." He looked to the left, and again to the right. He pointed to the right. "We go that way."
"How do you know?"
"Just like it says in the legend, X and honker point the way to another red-letter day."
"X and honker? What's that supposed to mean?"
"Look close. The two big branches on this tree form an X."
Giacomo couldn't argue with that, but wondered how many trees on the path had formed an X.
"And if you look real close at the pattern in the bark, you can see Karl Malden's face. That's the honker and this looks like the path of Clod."
This episode featured:
Gabe Veringen as Giacomo
Hesperus Flotilla as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the Carmen Miranda canteen.
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says: "Your teacher was arrested for giving vodka to students."
Uncle Sal removed the little sword with olives from his dirty martini and slid one of the olives off. He put it in his mouth and asked Giacomo, "So are you going to be able to make that luchadora thing in two weeks?" As Giacomo opened his mouth to answer, Uncle Sal wiped a drop of the martini that had fallen onto his Edmonton Oilers Charlie Huddy jersey.
"Man, I wish I could. But the other day, I ran into my old friend Moose Flimter. He's in a band called Belching in the Rain. Actually, I ran into him when I was at the local guitar shop. He was looking at this forty-seven LaFlamme Stegosaurus. It's a sweet guitar. I think they got the name right too. Thing feels like it weighs as much as a stegosaurus. He got it, but I'm not sure if he'll use it on stage."
Uncle Sal sipped his martini and shook his head. "Belching in the Rain? They think they're gonna get any notoriety with a name like that?"
Giacomo shrugged. "It's memorable. It's not like they decided to call the band The Ducks or something generic like that. Anyway, I was talking to Moose and he tells me his band has a show coming up at the Colosseum here in town. Gave me back stage passes for me and a guest, the whole works."
Uncle Sal responded with a shrug of his own.
"I hope you don't mind. I mean, normally, I'd love to go to the luchadora event with you. I mean, there isn't much better than masked female wrestlers. If it were any other night I'd join you..."
"Yeah, yeah. If you hadn't already made plans to see the Moose that plays the olden Steg."
This episode featured:
Frogozo as Uncle Sal
Phil Poole as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the olive sword.
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "That's beautiful! What is that, velvet?"
Uncle Sal picked a piece of lint off of his Oscar Gamble jersey, then removed the cherry from his Manhattan as he waited for Alice to deal the cards. He put the cherry in his mouth and said, "So, when is this big poker tournament you're playing in?"
"It's in a month, but I want to get in as much practice as I can before then. Playing online is good, but I want to be able to see faces when I play. And I'll tell you Uncle Sal, no one has a better poker face than you."
"Yeah, and I don't even need no chemicals to make my face expressionless. I ever tell ya about the time I cleaned a guy out playing poker? Guy by the name of Hank Hargin. This guy, he looked like a mountain. He was big all over, prolly six-foot-four, and had a thick Fu Manchu moustache. Fancied himself quite a poker player too. Well, one time I was playing against him and he figgered we should just give him our wallets before the game even started."
Uncle Sal sipped his Manhattan and said, "Well, the guy was a decent player, but he wasn't anything special. Woulda been a lot better if he didn't have such an obvious tell. When he's bluffing, he scratches his little fingernail on the surface of the table. So, we play a few hands, and he loses every one of them. The night wears on, and I think he didn't win a hand all night. Finally, he gets to the point where he's putting in the last of his money. Figgers he's got the hand that's finally gonna get him on the winning side. He puts in the last of his money, which wasn't much by that point. Only problem is I matched him. He's got nothin' left to put in the pot, so I says to him, 'I'll letcha keep playin' if you put in that fancy vest you're wearin'.' This vest, I'm telin' ya, it looked like he was wearin' part of a buffalo hide. He agrees and puts his vest in the pot."
Giacomo looked at his cards and asked, "So what happened?"
"Just lookin' at him, I knew that what he had wasn't gonna beat me. I was sittin' on four sevens. He showed his cards. I showed mine, and when he saw 'em...boy was he sore. So, he got cleaned out, and I walked away with the vest of a mad Hargin."
This episode featured:
Stan Stubemaker as Uncle Sal
Roy L. Flusshe as Giacomo
Lakesha "Queenie" Hartz as Alice
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cherry.
Tune in next week, when Uncle Sal says, "What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law."
Uncle Sal smoothed his LA Kings Rogie Vachon jersey as he walked into the Karate Chophouse. He was surprised to see Sister Mary Evelyn already seated. He moved the saffron napkin to the edge of the table as he slid into the booth.
"I didn't expect you to be here already. I figured I'd have time for a cocktail before you got here."
The waitress came to the table and asked if she could get Sal and Mary Evelyn something to drink. Uncle Sal ordered a Cajun martini and Mary Evelyn ordered a hot tea.
"It was a short mass today. Funny thing, that. That seems to happen every team Melinda Wentz sings. She's a beautiful woman with long auburn hair and big hazel eyes. She seems to wear nothing but really tight sweaters and skirts on the days she sings."
The waitress arrived and placed the tea in front of Mary Evelyn and the Cajun martini in front of Uncle Sal. He splashed a couple drops of Tabasco into his martini and sipped it. "Perfect."
"So, anyway, like I was saying, things seem to get all jumbled up on the days she sings. We do communion and the offering at the beginning, even before the sermon. Then she sings. Then Father Mackenzie gets behind the pulpit and starts to deliver a normal sermon. After about five minutes, he starts to speak really quickly and before you know it, he is telling everyone to go in peace. And he doesn't even hang around to talk to the parishioners after these short sermons. It's so weird."
"I dunno. If I were you I think I'd count my blessings that the mass is always leaner on the other side of the Wentz."
This episode featured:
Ruben Samich as Uncle Sal
Dorothy N. Toto as Sister Mary Evelyn
and
Jellybean Merengue as the saffron napkin.
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "You two are dumber'n a bag o' hammers."
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