Uncle Sal and the Brainstorming Bluesman (Episode 193)

Inside the Turn Your Head and Coffee Shop, Giacomo brought two large coffees to the table. Uncle Sal topped his off with a miniature bottle of rye and Giacomo tipped a little Kahlua into his. Uncle Sal took off his Sturgis 2004 trucker hat and looked at the CD Giacomo had just removed from his jacket pocket.

"Who's that?" Uncle Sal asked.

"That's my friend Tu Nguyen. They had his CD up at the counter because he plays here pretty frequently."

"Yeah, what's he play?"

"Blues. Usually he plays a six-string, but sometimes he'll play a 12-string. He plays harmonica on some of the songs too."

Uncle Sal dunked his biscotti into the coffee and took a bite.

"And just look at the song titles." Giacomo handed the jewel case to Uncle Sal.

"Broken Shoelace Blues, Soggy Corn Flake Blues, My Steering Wheel's Too Hot."

"Isn't it great? That's what he does. He writes songs about every day things like that. In fact, when he does a show now he doesn't even make up a set list. He just asks an audience member to come up with a subject and he composes a song right there on the spot. And he records every show so he can add all these songs to his CDs."

"Pretty impressive. And you say he can do this about any topic?"

"Any topic."

"Maybe I oughta go to one of his shows. I gotta idea for a song for 'im. The other day, I went out to my car and saw that I had a flat. Had it towed to Manny's garage. Manny tells me there ain't just one but two nails in the tire."

"That would be perfect. I have no doubt he could write a song about that."

"I think I'll do that. I mean, I can sit here and talk about it, but from what you're tellin' me, only Tu can lament porous tires."

This episode featured:
Smokey Jackets as Giacomo
Mississippi Jacek Antoniewiecz as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the jewel case.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I mean that Mendocino beano."

Uncle Sal and the Student's Shortcomings (Episode 192)

Dan O'Toole had just finished his lunch in the Salvador Deli. Even though Uncle Sal was still working on his pastrami and giant pickle, Dan asked for the check.

After a big sip from his Cajun martini, Uncle Sal said, "Whoa! What's your hurry, chief?"

"Unfortunately, I can't stay. I have to go to my son's school for a conference with his teacher. I don't know what's happened this semester. He's normally so good with math, but right now he's getting a D."

Uncle Sal removed a napkin from the shrunken head napkin dispenser and said, "Maybe it's the teacher. A good teacher can make a big difference. Like in the town where I grew up, ya basically had to go through a whole family of teachers, starting with Old Man Roy. He taught basic algebra. Before ya ever got to his class, ya heard about how he'd throw chalkboard erasers at kids in his class that talked too much. Then ya find out the hard way the first time one of them erasers conked ya in the ol' coconut. And if he ever caught ya chewin' gum in his classroom, he'd make ya scrape all the old gum wads off the bottom of every desk."

The waitress set the check on the table and after another sip of his Cajun martini, Sal continued. "Ya spent so much time being terrified of him, ya didn't really learn nothin'. Then the next year, ya got his wife for geometry. Nice lady, and nice to look at, but she ain't a good teacher. She'd explain sump'n and if someone asked a question about it, she'd explain it the same way. Finally, you'd get the son Kingsley for advanced algebra. He was a real good teacher. I mean, it ain't easy to make kids learn algebra, but he was always lookin' for ways to make math fun. First time in my life I got an A in math, mostly because the guy was nothin' like his old man."

Dan signed the check and said, "You may be right. Maybe this teacher just isn't getting through to him."

"See if he can move into a class with a different teacher. Ya never know who's gonna be able to reach a kid. Think about it. I had three teachers in the same family, but the only Roy who could ever teach me was the son of a creature, Dan."

This episode featured:
Dusty Trayles as Dan O'Toole
Hans Springfield as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the shrunken head napkin dispenser.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Are gringos falling from the sky?"

Uncle Sal and the Disappointed Debutante (Episode 191)

Uncle Sal entered Jungle Jim's Juice Emporium and ordered a Guava Smash. As he waited to receive the drink, he saw Shayna, the big Motley Crue fan he had once drawn in chalk.

He adjusted his CAMPEON DEL MUNDO trucker hat and said, "Hey there, Shayna. How ya been?"

She squinted at him and it took a moment for her to recognize who he was. "Hey! Sam, right?"

"Sal."

"I never pegged you for a juice sort of guy, especially after seeing all those Spud's beer signs in your basement."

"Well, juice is good too. Besides, between you and me, that Guava Smash goes great with a little rum." He removed a miniature bottle of dark rum from his pocket and gave it a little shake.

Shayna handed him his drink and informed her manager that she was going to have a smoke. She asked Sal to join her outside on the bench. "I have to tell you something. It's very exciting news! I've been invited to this formal gala and I'm telling you, from the invitation, it sounds like a real-life Cinderella sort of deal. All the women are supposed to show up in beautiful gowns. I haven't gotten mine yet, but I know I'm going to look for something emerald. Green just looks so good on me. I can't tell you how excited I am to go to this. I mean, isn't this every girl's dream?"

Uncle Sal tipped the rum into his cup and sipped it. He smiled at the taste, then grimaced when he realized he had set his foot in a wad of gum on the ground. He wondered how she could talk so much without breathing.

"And the men have been instructed to dress up too. The whole thing: tails, ties, top hats, I imagine I'll even see a few monocles. Wouldn't that be something? I don't think I've ever been around someone wearing a monocle. The only thing the men can't wear is spats. Apparently, the host wants to be the only one wearing them."

"Spats?"

"Yeah, you know those things men wear over their shoes."

"I know what they are, but that's a curious request. First of all, who wears spats anymore. Well, except for one guy. Say, who invited you to this shindig?"

"A very rich, eccentric man who calls himself Baron von Lowenstein."

"That's what I thought. Listen, I know you're excited, but I don't think you should go. This guy, the baron, he's not someone you wanna hang out with, from what I hear. All his life, everything's been handed to him, including the money to buy his mansion. He's got more money'n he knows what to do with and that's why he dresses like he just stepped out of an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. Spats are his trademark cuz no one else wears them. Thing I hear is, he invites people like you over just so he can make fun of them in front of his rich friends and business partners."

Shayna had just taken a drag of her cigarette and exhaled it in a loud breath. "Really? So I won't get the chance to be like Cinderella?"

"Nope. You've been invited as a patsy by the brat in the spats."

This episode featured:
Pete "Mr. Peanut" Gatsby as Uncle Sal
Odelia Barnes as Shayna
and
Jellybean Merengue as the wad of gum.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I wish I was as big as you, but not so stupid."

Uncle Sal and the Colossal Cabeza (Episode 190)

Inside the Root Hog or Diner Uncle Sal stirred his bloody Mary with the celery stalk and took a sip. As he added more pepper to it, he saw Giacomo enter with a newspaper under his arm. Giacomo hung his coat on one of the hooks by the door, then went to the table where a white Russian was already waiting for him. He took a big sip and said, "Boy they sure know how to mix a drink here."

"One of the best reasons to come here."

Giacomo unfolded the newspaper and said, "Have you seen this picture?"

"I don't bother much with the newspaper anymore, 'cept the sports and the comics. Say, did you see Pearls Before Swine today? Them crocs sure are funny characters. Uncle Sal quickly swatted at a fly that had followed Giacomo to the table, then looked at the photo. It showed a red-faced Mayor Spoonbill jogging in a sweatshirt. "Don't seem like too big a deal. I've seen lotsa pictures of the mayor on his daily jog."

"But did you look at the caption?"

Uncle Sal looked more closely at the picture, then read the caption. The writer noted that the hood had been cut off of the mayor's hooded sweatshirt and intimated that perhaps it had been removed because it didn't fit over the mayor's "oversized dome."

Uncle Sal shook his head. "Boy, I never woulda gotten away with that when I wrote for a newspaper. Back then, we had to write about actual news, not the size of someone's melon. This kinda stuff is part of the reason I don't really read the paper no more. Ya got all these problems in the city and this writer's got nothin' better to do than wonder does the mayor fit in the hoods."

This episode featured:
Eddie "Goober" Nader as Uncle Sal
Dean Honcho as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the fly.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Mona Lisa was a man."

Uncle Sal and the Hopeful Hoopster (Episode 189)

Inside A Boy Named Sushi, Uncle Sal sat on his tatami across from Randy Osorio. "How've ya been, Randy?"

"I'm doing great!" Randy reached into his shirt pocket and removed a photo of a boy who looked about 15. "That's my sister's kid."

Uncle Sal removed his glasses from the pocket of his lime green guayabera shirt. He wished the guy would have had the decency to wait until some hot sake was on the table before bringing out the photo. "Which sister?"

"Loretta. Remember, she married Efrem Budal. The architect."

Uncle Sal glanced at the photo, then asked a passing waiter to bring some hot sake. Nothing like sushi and hot sake to precede a good afternoon nap.

"He's tall."

"Can you believe it? The kid has grown seven inches since Christmas. He's six-five now and he's probably not done growing. And you know what's the best part?"

Uncle Sal used chopsticks to pick up a gyoza that Randy had ordered and popped it into his mouth.

"Loretta wants me to practice basketball with him. It's been a while since high school, but I can still shoot the ball. And teach him how to get rebounds."

Uncle Sal chewed the gyoza. He remembered Randy's days as a power forward at the local high school, but didn't remember those days as anything noteworthy.

"I mean, just look at the kid. OK, he could stand to put on some muscle. But he's going to be bigger than almost every kid he plays against. If I teach him some good post moves, he could probably dominate those other kids. And then he might start getting some attention from colleges. Wouldn't that be great? My nephew playing big-time college ball?"

"Well, I don't know if he'll be interested in basketball. Or if he'll be any good. But he sure is a lanky Budal, Randy."

This episode featured:
Oscar Robertson Wilde as Uncle Sal
Simon "Spike" Krzyzewski as Randy
and
Jellybean Merengue as the tatami.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "The world is your oyster. It's too bad you're allergic to shellfish."