Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Ask Uncle Sal: The brown edition - hobo coffee and corduroy jumpsuits

Uncle Sal, Why if I spend my whole day making money for the man can't the man at least buy be a cup of coffee that tastes like water that was run thru a hobo's sock? Hobo Joe from Kokomo.

Thanks for writin', Hobo Joe. Say, ya ever been to the Cocked Up Cafe? They got sump'n there called hobo coffee and I'll tell ya. Your spoon will stand up in the cup...if it don't dissolve first. But onto your question. Actually, I think ya kinda answered yer own question. How is The Man supposed to make any money if he's spending on fancy coffee for his employees? He ain't. Least that's the way he sees it. So of course The Man buys the cheap stuff because he don't care what kinda coffee you drink as long as yer makin' money for him.
The point here, Hobo Joe, is that you are in the crummy situation of working in an office. I'll tell you what I tell everyone in this predicament. Get out of it! A life of leisure (like mine) awaits you...bowlin', beverages, music shows with go-go dancers, etc. But first ya gotta eject from the cubicle farm. Ya can thank me later.

Hey Uncle Sal: I was gunna be the best man at my buddy's wedding, but I just found out all the groomsmen have to wear brown corduroy bell-bottom jumpsuits. Geez, how do I get out of this gracefully? Cringing in Cahokia

Hey Cringing. I think yer lookin' at this all wrong. Why wouldja wanna get out of this - gracefully or otherwise? First off, everyone knows that weddings do sump'n to the single chicks that are there. Ya wanna miss out on that? More'n that, I think ya oughta embrace it and here's how. From now until the day of the wedding, let your hair grow so it's nice and shaggy. Also, grow some big ol' sideburns. And for the finishing touch, make sure that jumpsuit is open to yer bellybutton, so everyone can see yer carpet of chest hair (assuming ya got one, of course). Sure, the bride will hate it, and by extension, so will yer buddy. But if that ain't all the more reason to do it, I don't know what is.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Send it to my gmail: askunclesal or the Facebook fan page.

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