Ask Uncle Sal: Marriage and other predicaments

My brother is getting married on Saturday but can't choose between wearing his periwinkle stovetop hat or his magenta bowler. Which one is more likely to guarantee him the good loving on his wedding night? Stovetop Stuffer


You know I love my hats. I ain't sure what a stovetop hat is, but I'm gonna assume ya mean a stovepipe hat. That said, I think yer missin' the point here. If a man can't get some good lovin' on his wedding night, well, let's just say that marriage ain't gettin off to a good start. I think the real question here is what he can wear or do to get some good lovin' after the wedding. (I can't say from personal experience because I never been married, but I hear that a woman is shall I say less willing after that ring is on her finger.)
But to answer your question, I'd recommend the magenta bowler hat. The stovepipe hat is a fine article of clothing, but ain't too many women get in the mood because a guy dresses like Abe Lincoln.

Unkle Sal, I'm a viral young man o 13 livin in WV hill country. It's time to find me a womn bu my ony choises is my sisters and cuzzins and they aint maridge material. What shood I doo? Hard Up in Hoo Hoo

Boy, Hard Up, I sure got a good laugh outta yer letter. Not because of your marryin' predicament but because the name you chose sounds like the title of an adult film.
Now on to yer question. Yer a viral young man and it's your potential partners that are the problem? Prolly not from where they're standin'. Here's what I recommend for you. Take the six-mile walk to the nearest road. Then hitchhike to somewhere where you'll meet some women that ain't kin. But before you do that, pay a visit to your local doctor about that whole viral thing.

Gotta question for Uncle Sal? Send it to askunclesal[at]gmail[dot]com.

Uncle Sal and the Pressured Paramour (Episode 199)

Uncle Sal and Giacomo were joined in The Crow Bar by Julius Hudderslee. Uncle Sal removed his Descendents trucker cap from the stool next to him to make room for Julius.

"Why the long face, Jules?"

Julius ordered a white russian and said, "I gotta go to marriage class at St. Hedwig's."

Uncle Sal winced. "Well, no one says ya gotta go."

"Abbie does. It's the craziest thing. Abbie hasn't been to a Catholic church since she was old enough to decide she didn't want to go, but her mom is insisting we go to these marriage workshops because she wants to make sure we do things right. She's even going to sit in on the classes with us." Julius removed his glass from a Crazy Train coaster and took a long drink from his white Russian. "It's every Saturday for two months. This is the first one. Can you imagine? And you know what's the worst part? The classes are taught by a nun. A nun! What does a nun know about marriage?"

Uncle Sal shook his head and noticed an extra-large red thong hanging from the rafters of the bar. "Ya oughta come with us to the bikini mud run. Everyone who enters, even the guys, has to wear a bikini. And they serve pretty good beer there too."

"Don't tempt me. Besides, if I was about to do something fun, Abbie would probably sense it and find some way to put an end to it."

Uncle Sal popped a peanut butter pretzel into his mouth. "Look, Jules. Ya said this class goes on for two months, right? What happens if you skip one of them? I mean, it ain't like she's gonna call off the wedding, right? Besides, what's gonna be more memorable? A bikini mud run or some stuffy marriage class?"

"Well, there's no doubt the bikini mud run would be more fun and memorable, but...I'm gonna have to hear it from Abbie if I skip the first class."

"You only live once."

Jules knitted his brow and said, "I shouldn't."

"You don't want to go to that class. Why not do something you want to do?"

Jules remained tight-lipped.

"Three words: bikini mud run. Go on, shake the honey and nun."

This episode featured:
Steve Millevich as Uncle Sal
Mack Eagleton as Giacomo
Abney K. Dabra as Julius Hudderslee
and
Jellybean Merengue as the extra-large red thong.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If I had known it was going to be this kind of party I would have worn underwear."

Uncle Sal and the Hesitant Heartthrob (Episode 152)

Uncle Sal walked into the Fraternal Order of Grackles meeting and was immediately met by a moon-faced man with a burr cut, probably in his mid-20s. As Uncle Sal hooked his Cerberus key chain to a belt loop of his crimson and clover plaid golf pants, the man stuck out his hand and said, "I'm..."

"You're Felix 'Pie' Heyward's kid. Boy, if you ain't the spittin' image of your old man, right down to that burr cut."

"Did you just call my dad Pie?"

"Course I did. Never met anyone likes pie as much as your old man. I once saw him chase an entire huckleberry pie with an entire key lime pie because someone bet him twenny bucks he couldn't do it. How is ol' Pie, anyway?"

"He's good. When he's not hassling me to get married to my girlfriend Dawn. Always asks me when I think I'm gonna settle down with her."

"Whatsa matter with her?"

"Nothing is the matter with her. It's just...you know, marriage is a big deal."

A waiter brought Uncle Sal a Spud's and a shot of rye and Sal told him what a fine human being he was. "Course marriage is a big deal, but if you're reluctant, there's gotta be sump'n wrong with her. Does she cook?"

Heyward patted his round belly and said, "She helps me maintain this figure."

"She clean up around the house?"

"She always keeps it immaculate. My laundry has never been so neatly folded."

"What about in the sack?"

"I don't think that's any of your concern!"

"What I mean is this. If both of ya are getting it as much as you want, that goes a long way."

"Well, we sure don't have any trouble in the sack."

"Then what's the problem?" After a sip of his Spud's, Uncle Sal said, "Listen. There's two questions you need to ask yourself. Do you want to get married?"

"Sure I do."

"Do you think you'll find anyone better'n this girl who gives you food, a clean place, and enough sex to satisfy you?"

The young man popped a couple maple cashews into his mouth and said, "Hmmm. You know, I don't know if I could find anyone better than her."

"Then the answer to this whole thing is obvious. Marry Dawn, Pie Heyward's son."

This episode featured:
Dr. Femke Hart as Uncle Sal
Federico Lovecraft as Pie Heyward's son
Nigel Batchelor as the waiter
and
Jellybean Merengue as the belt loop.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't."