Uncle Sal and the Hesitant Heartthrob (Episode 152)

Uncle Sal walked into the Fraternal Order of Grackles meeting and was immediately met by a moon-faced man with a burr cut, probably in his mid-20s. As Uncle Sal hooked his Cerberus key chain to a belt loop of his crimson and clover plaid golf pants, the man stuck out his hand and said, "I'm..."

"You're Felix 'Pie' Heyward's kid. Boy, if you ain't the spittin' image of your old man, right down to that burr cut."

"Did you just call my dad Pie?"

"Course I did. Never met anyone likes pie as much as your old man. I once saw him chase an entire huckleberry pie with an entire key lime pie because someone bet him twenny bucks he couldn't do it. How is ol' Pie, anyway?"

"He's good. When he's not hassling me to get married to my girlfriend Dawn. Always asks me when I think I'm gonna settle down with her."

"Whatsa matter with her?"

"Nothing is the matter with her. It's just...you know, marriage is a big deal."

A waiter brought Uncle Sal a Spud's and a shot of rye and Sal told him what a fine human being he was. "Course marriage is a big deal, but if you're reluctant, there's gotta be sump'n wrong with her. Does she cook?"

Heyward patted his round belly and said, "She helps me maintain this figure."

"She clean up around the house?"

"She always keeps it immaculate. My laundry has never been so neatly folded."

"What about in the sack?"

"I don't think that's any of your concern!"

"What I mean is this. If both of ya are getting it as much as you want, that goes a long way."

"Well, we sure don't have any trouble in the sack."

"Then what's the problem?" After a sip of his Spud's, Uncle Sal said, "Listen. There's two questions you need to ask yourself. Do you want to get married?"

"Sure I do."

"Do you think you'll find anyone better'n this girl who gives you food, a clean place, and enough sex to satisfy you?"

The young man popped a couple maple cashews into his mouth and said, "Hmmm. You know, I don't know if I could find anyone better than her."

"Then the answer to this whole thing is obvious. Marry Dawn, Pie Heyward's son."

This episode featured:
Dr. Femke Hart as Uncle Sal
Federico Lovecraft as Pie Heyward's son
Nigel Batchelor as the waiter
and
Jellybean Merengue as the belt loop.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't."