Uncle Sal and the Extraordinary Evening (Episode 200)

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" A little person dressed in a yellow and red Velcro suit screamed as he flew toward the mat covered with Velcro. The crowd cheered when he stuck to the wall about six feet off the ground.

"Sure was a good idea to come to this midget toss, Giacomo." Uncle Sal adjusted his Danville Braves trucker hat and took a long drink of Spud's from a red plastic cup promoting the fifth annual midget toss and crawfish boil.

"Yeah, this is always a good event."

The emcee announced the next contestant and a tall, dark-skinned man with a long ponytail stepped up to take his turn throwing a midget.

"Look at the size of that guy. He must be six-nine, two-fifty. And it's a bold man that can go around wearing only a loincloth."

"I know that guy. That's Crowfoot. He's 100 percent Cree Indian. I went to see my friend's band the other night. You met her. She's in Fun Buster and the Wet Blankets. Anyway, Crowfoot's band The Potato Chippewas was the headliner. Didn't know anything about the band but it mixes traditional Indian music with hardcore punk." Giacomo threw a pistachio shell on the ground. "So he says the band is going to do a cover song and asks if anyone in the audience knows the words to 'How Can I Say I Love You (with a Shotgun in my Mouth?' I was the only one that raised my hand, and he invited me on stage to come and sing it."

"That's something you won't forget easily."

"Yeah, and that's not all. Crowfoot's got this bassist in his band who just calls himself The Dave. He's written a book called The Punk Manifesto. He announced that he was going to give away a copy to anyone who could answer a trivia question that I happened to know. So there I am just supporting a friend's band..."

"And you end up with the band of the Cree and the tome of The Dave."

This episode featured:
Furley Banner as Uncle Sal
Gerhard Flagg as Giacomo
Jose Canusee as Crowfoot
Early Light as the midget
and
Jellybean Merengue as the loincloth.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Report back to me when it makes sense."

Uncle Sal and the Pressured Paramour (Episode 199)

Uncle Sal and Giacomo were joined in The Crow Bar by Julius Hudderslee. Uncle Sal removed his Descendents trucker cap from the stool next to him to make room for Julius.

"Why the long face, Jules?"

Julius ordered a white russian and said, "I gotta go to marriage class at St. Hedwig's."

Uncle Sal winced. "Well, no one says ya gotta go."

"Abbie does. It's the craziest thing. Abbie hasn't been to a Catholic church since she was old enough to decide she didn't want to go, but her mom is insisting we go to these marriage workshops because she wants to make sure we do things right. She's even going to sit in on the classes with us." Julius removed his glass from a Crazy Train coaster and took a long drink from his white Russian. "It's every Saturday for two months. This is the first one. Can you imagine? And you know what's the worst part? The classes are taught by a nun. A nun! What does a nun know about marriage?"

Uncle Sal shook his head and noticed an extra-large red thong hanging from the rafters of the bar. "Ya oughta come with us to the bikini mud run. Everyone who enters, even the guys, has to wear a bikini. And they serve pretty good beer there too."

"Don't tempt me. Besides, if I was about to do something fun, Abbie would probably sense it and find some way to put an end to it."

Uncle Sal popped a peanut butter pretzel into his mouth. "Look, Jules. Ya said this class goes on for two months, right? What happens if you skip one of them? I mean, it ain't like she's gonna call off the wedding, right? Besides, what's gonna be more memorable? A bikini mud run or some stuffy marriage class?"

"Well, there's no doubt the bikini mud run would be more fun and memorable, but...I'm gonna have to hear it from Abbie if I skip the first class."

"You only live once."

Jules knitted his brow and said, "I shouldn't."

"You don't want to go to that class. Why not do something you want to do?"

Jules remained tight-lipped.

"Three words: bikini mud run. Go on, shake the honey and nun."

This episode featured:
Steve Millevich as Uncle Sal
Mack Eagleton as Giacomo
Abney K. Dabra as Julius Hudderslee
and
Jellybean Merengue as the extra-large red thong.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If I had known it was going to be this kind of party I would have worn underwear."

Uncle Sal and the Brilliant Bootlegger (Episode 198)

Uncle Sal entered the wine cellar of his friend Brit Blessington and removed his Levi's trucker cap. "Heckuva setup ya got here. I never seen so much wine outside of a restaurant."

"I've been collecting for years. It's a labor of love. Here, try this." Brit opened a bottle of pinot noir and gave Uncle Sal the cork to smell. He then poured a splash into a glass and handed it to Uncle Sal.

Uncle Sal smelled the wine because he knew that's what he was supposed to do, but he didn't know exactly what he was supposed to smell. He sipped it and said, "That's pretty good. Smooth."

"That's from Slovakia."

The host led Uncle Sal through rows of bottles of reds, whites, and some wines that Uncle Sal had never heard of and couldn't pronounce. Finally, they came to a cask marked with three big black Xs.

"What's that one? Is that the strongest one in your collection?"

"No, that's for a very special customer. You know Nigel Colcroft?"

"Colcroft? Isn't he the guy that got sent away for embezzlement?"

"Exactly. And what do you think is the thing prisoners request most often, especially in a white collar prison? Aside from a willing female partner." Without waiting for Uncle Sal, he said, "Alcohol. These guys have been put away and they never get any alcohol to drink. So Nigel and I came up with a plan. Whatever is left at the end of a bottle, I pour it in here. When this is full, I get the wine to the prison. He sells this stuff to the other guys in the prison for whatever currency they use. He of course will pay me when he gets out in a couple years."

"You mean to tell me this guy is selling leftover wine to prisoners?"

"Absolutely. They don't care as long as it's alcoholic. It's the best they're going to get until they're out."

"Pretty clever. Who would have ever thought you could make a business just by putting all your dregs in one cask, Britt."

This episode featured:
Ed Riesling as Uncle Sal
Heinrich Gewurtztraminer as Brit Blessington
and
Jellybean Merengue as the cork.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "We ain't heroes. We're businessmen."

Uncle Sal and the Bewildered Bartender (Episode 197)

Uncle Sal walked into The Crow Bar and asked Kelly for a pint of Spud's. He put his Red Man trucker hat on the bar and said, "Whatsa matter, Kelly? You look like someone who just lost a puppy."

Kelly fiddled with her left earring and said, "It's men."

Uncle Sal wished he hadn't asked the question. He thought this might take a while so he ordered a shot of Bulleit to go with his beer.

"I just don't understand them," she said. "Like my boyfriend. You know him. Doug Peltz. Well, I got this shirt at a nice little boutique. It's a frilly long-sleeved white shirt. Really nice."

Uncle Sal sighed, shot his bourbon, and set the glass on the bar.

"It's the sort of thing I can wear on a night out with him. That's what I bought it for. But I came home from work one day and he's wearing it, just around the house. When I asked about it, he told me he likes it because it makes him look like a pirate. I'm dating a guy who likes wearing my clothes."

After pulling a pint for someone who had just walked in, Kelly poured the liquid off of one of the bar mats and said, "And then there's my band, Fun Buster and the Wet Blankets. We just auditioned drummers and it came down to two guys: Avery Hawkins and Phil Schott. Avery is perfect. He's been in punk bands before. He hits the drums hard, and that's what we need for our garage sound. Except the guys in the band outvoted me. Even though Phil is a jazz drummer, the guys chose him because they think his personality is a better fit. He's a nice guy, don't get me wrong. But I don't think he's right for our band. And ultimately I think we'll be looking for a drummer again in a few months." Kelly blew her bangs out of her eyes and sipped a beer of her own.

After a long sip from his pint, Uncle Sal said, "Well, I don't know if you can condemn all men just because you got Peltz in your blouse and Schott in your band."

This episode featured:
M. Emmett Marrs as Uncle Sal
Candy Rappeur as Kelly
and
Jellybean Merengue as the earring.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "If they told you wolverines would make good house pets, would you believe them?"

Uncle Sal and the Misidentified Manager (Episode 196)

Uncle Sal had just put the second slice of bread on top of his roast beef and Nutella sandwich with extra horseradish when the doorbell rang. He opened it and saw the manager of the local high school baseball team Jules Dmietriewiecz.

"Hey Jules, how ya doin? I just finished makin' a roast beef and Nutella sandwich. Want me to make you one?"

"Umm...no thanks. I just need to borrow your drain snake."

"I left it over by the door for ya. Beer?"

"Sure. I'll have a beer."

Uncle Sal removed two bottles of Spud's from his fridge, opened them and handed one to Jules. After a sip, Jules said, "Sometimes all it takes to make you feel human again is a sip of beer." He fished his cell phone out of his pocket and said, "Hey, you know Tor Hammerstaag's wife Dagmar?"

"Sure, I know her. Nice lookin' woman, like a Scandinavian goddess."

"Maybe so, but I have questions about her brain. Listen to this."

Jules pressed a couple buttons on his phone and after a few seconds, Dagmar's voice came through. "Hey Pate, it's Dagmar. I just wanted to thank you so much for bringing your jambalaya to the school fundraiser. It was a big hit. And say hi to your lovely wife Della for me."

"Why'd she call you Pate?"

"As far as she knows, that's my name. She thinks I'm Tor's old golf buddy Myron Pate. I mean, I see her all the time at events where our kids go to school and she calls me Pate every time. Even when I'm wearing a name tag. I've corrected her myself. She's heard other people call me by my name, but it never seems to stick. It's so weird, like she has some kind of amnesia just about my name. She always remembers Della's name, but me..."

"Guess you'll just have to accept that you're always Pate with Tor's misses."

This episode featured:
"Hill" Billy D. Luxx as Uncle Sal
Dewey Frizzell as Jules
and
Jellybean Merengue as the drain snake.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I keep drinkin', but you're still ugly."

Uncle Sal and the Suspect Speculation (Episode 195)

Giacomo was already at the table in the Cocked-up Cafe when Uncle Sal walked in. Uncle Sal removed his I H8 Biebs trucker hat, wiped his forehead with a red bandana and went to the counter where he ordered a coffee with two shots of espresso. He sat down across from Giacomo who had just finished pouring some Kessler whiskey into his cappuccino.

"Hey Giacomo, how ya been?"

"I've been pretty good and I think I'm about to be doing a lot better. You know my friend Dwight Stanislaus?"

Uncle Sal sighed. "I think I know where this is goin'. What's Dwight's plan for makin' money now?"

"It's a restaurant."

Uncle Sal rolled his eyes, then thanked the waitress who brought his coffee. Before he even tasted it, he emptied two miniature bottles of Jameson and one packet of sugar into it. "Giacomo, ya gotta know restaurants are a bad investment. Ya know how many of 'em go under in less than two years?"

"I know all that. But this restaurant idea is genius. It's a place where you can brew your own beer and make your own pizza. And the servers will all be young, attractive women wearing skimpy Catholic schoolgirl outfits. How can it miss?"

Uncle Sal rubbed the stubble on his chin. "What's the buy-in?"

"It's up to you."

"Well, it sounds like the sorta place I'd love to go to. Heck, I think it'd be a hit with any guy. Still, I don't know about it. If it was comin' from someone else, maybe I'd be more excited about it. 'Member when he got us to invest in Argentine cattle? Said it was a sleeper pick that a lot of folks was missin' out on. Well, it was a sleeper all right and it kept on sleepin'."

"Yeah, but...beer, pizza, hot chicks. It's got smash hit written all over it."

"I'm gonna have to think on it because I'm still kinda smartin' from the sly Dwight's past scheming."

This episode featured:
Francis Scott Kieszlowski as Giacomo
Nat Anthemms as Uncle Sal
and
Jellybean Merengue as the bandana.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Where do middle-aged women get all of them spice racks?"

Uncle Sal and the Haunted Huntsman (Episode 194)

Uncle Sal entered Rock Around the Cocktails and removed his Carlton trucker hat. As he walked toward his friend Seamus O'Haim, he saw the bartender touch a lit kitchen match to a drink and then set the flaming drink on the bar. Uncle Sal ordered two Grateful Deads, then sat on the stool next to Seamus.

"You all right, mate?" Seamus asked after he removed the See's Candies lollipop from his mouth.

"Feelin' pretty good. I already booked my deer huntin' trip for later this year."

"That's some advance planning. Deer season is still months away."

"Yeah, I know. But I'm going to a good spot, so I wanted to make sure I have everything in order early. It's this place in Pennsylvania, recommended to me by Ulric Gill."

Seamus sipped his Grateful Dead and said, "Gill? The albino?"

"He ain't an albino. Least he wasn't born one. What happened was this. Ulric was on his annual huntin' trip, but he and the other guys he was with, they didn't see nothin' for a couple days. Like the deer were hidin' from 'em. But they had the camp for an entire week, so they stayed." Uncle Sal took a big drink of his Grateful Dead, then popped a couple pistachios in his mouth.
Well, Ulric one day, he's gotta use the can, so he heads off into the woods with his book and toilet paper. As he's squatting there, along comes a buck. Now, you know what a rutting buck is like. Only one thing on his mind and he'll take anything close to what he's looking for. That buck charged Ulric, and Ulric with his pants around his ankles. Not for long of course. He hiked up his pants and started running away from that buck. I don't think the fastest man alive could have caught Ulric that day. He heads back toward the cabin and somehow he's able to stay ahead of that buck. He gets to the door of the cabin and tries the knob. He's too nervous, can't open the door. He tries again. Nothin' happens. So he turns with his back to the door, thinking this is the end. Well, before that buck could tear him to shreds, someone opened the door and Ulric fell right in. He just lay there catatonic on the floor for a good long while.

Uncle Sal checked the score of the Wombats game on the television above the bar. "He woke up the next morning, his hair was white and it don't matter how much time he spends in the sun. He stays white no matter what."

Seamus looked at Uncle Sal and said, "Are you trying to tell me..."

"That's right. It's the deer that made Gill chalky, Seamus."

This episode featured:
Arion Schlitz as Uncle Sal
"Milwaukee" Mike Barley as Seamus
and
Jellybean Merengue as the kitchen match.

Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Hey, Morrissey. Kiss my big hairy butt."