Giacomo entered Uncle Sal's house and said, "Love the Buckeyes jersey, Uncle Sal. Who's number thirty-four?""It's Maurice Wells, king of the one-yard run.""So, what's so important that you needed me to come over?""Well, I got this big ping-pong tournament comin' up, and I need to practice."They went downstairs to the basement and Uncle Sal picked up his Yosemite Sam paddle and served the ball to Giacomo for a little warm-up before they began playing. "So, are you playing singles or doubles in this tournament?""Doubles.""Who's your partner?""Well, that's just it. I've asked two different guys to be my partner and they've both said they'll do it. There's Del Wifflespoon. The guy can put spin on the ball like you wouldn't believe. I ain't kiddin'. He can land the ball on the center line and spin it off the edge of the table. Then there's Ty Sotter. He's all defense. He can return anything hit to him. The kinda guy you hate playing against.""But why did you ask both of them? I mean, it's not like you can substitute in ping-pong.""I know that. First, I asked both of 'em because either one of 'em would be a great partner. But they're both unreliable. Del, he likes to drink. Knowin' him, he might get lit up day before the tourament. So it's anybody's guess as to whether he'll want to get up. Ty, he just forgets things. Don't matter if he writes 'em down or not. Just forgets. Way I see it, at least one of 'em will show up to help me win this tournament. To me, it don't matter one way or another. I'll be there come Del or Ty Sotter."This episode featured:Earl E. Byrd as GiacomoHank Ershif as Uncle SalandJellybean Merengue as the Yosemite Sam paddle.Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "He stole my gorilla suit!"
Uncle Sal sat across from Giacomo at the Root Hog or Diner reading the newspaper. Giacomo looked at his uncle. "Isn't it a little cold to be wearing just a basketball jersey?"
"Don't tell me yer gettin' soft on me. It ain't that cold. Besides, how are ya gonna cover up an Atlanta Hawks Jon Koncak jersey with a jacket? Hey, ya know what I saw on the way over here? A Vole. Prolly the last one on the road."
"What's a Vole?"
"It's a car made by Itchibelli Motors. Mostly a failed experiment, kind of like the Edsel. I'm surprised there was still one on the road. Those things didn't run worth a hoot. Anyway, I had a friend, Eustace Pistachio, had a Vole, a brown one. The engine started smoking as he drove it home from the lot. He had nothing but trouble with that car, but he always thought he could fix it. Well, one day, he's getting ready for work..."
The waitress arrived with their food and Uncle Sal immediately doused his potatoes with hot sauce. "One day, he's getting ready for work, and he sees the passenger door of his car open. But that ain't even the weirdest part. Passed out in the passenger seat is a woman, naked as the day she was born. Her clothes are lyin' on the curb. He don't want to touch 'em, but figgers it's the only way he's gonna know who this woman is that's sittin' in his car. He picked up her short shorts and found her driver's license. Woman's name was Megan Crumpleton."
Giacomo rubbed his tired eyes, took a sip of his coffee and said, "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think I missed something."
"What's to miss? All I was sayin' was that Eustace found a bare Meg in a brown Vole."
This episode featured:
Ted Oosterhaus as Uncle Sal
Vinnie Victorino as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the hot sauce.
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "I used to have that problem. Now I just think about baseball."
Uncle Sal entered John's place for the weekly pinochle game and went immediately to the fridge. He moved aside a turnip and took a cold Spud's beer for himself. As he moved toward the table, Joe said, "I didn't know you were a St. Louis Cardinals fan. And who's number eleven?"
"Who's number eleven? It's Jose Oquendo. First guy to play all nine positions in a single season."
Where ya been, Sal? You been real hard to get a hold of these last few weeks."
Uncle Sal popped a pistachio into his mouth and said, "I been workin' on a novel."
"You've been working on a novel?"
"It ain't so hard to believe, is it?"
"So what's it about?" Joe asked as he dealt the cards.
"Well, it's about Sasquatch. In my book, he's a private dick. I guess you could say it's a fairly typical private dick novel. There's a beautiful but dangerous broad, and alla that stuff. Just imagine if Philip Marlowe were really hairy. Only thing is, I kinda got bogged down by it. I mean, I started out with Sasquatch, a beautiful dame, a crime. But before I knew it, I had a whole mess of characters I didn't know what to do with. Professional wrestlers, shifty doctors, even a ballplayer. So, to be honest, I was kinda stuck. I had no idea what to do."
Sal sipped from his bottle of Spud's. "Then I started throwing a whole buncha stuff away. Just gettin' rid all kinda things in the story. Long story short, now I'm working on a new novel where Sasquatch is a professional wrestler."
"Sasquatch as a wrestler? Well, I wouldn't want to take him on, that's for sure. How's the new story coming along?"
"So far, so good. I just think I needed to move on from that quagmire I was working on before. Just goes to show you a botched plot never spoils."
This episode featured:
Fred Fizzlewick as Uncle Sal
Norberto "Nobby" Doerr as Joe
and
Jellybean Merengue as the turnip.
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice."
Uncle Sal stopped the Dodge Dart in front of Giacomo's place. Giacomo came down the stairs and climbed into the passenger seat. "Hey Uncle Sal. Is that a Steve Grogan jersey you're wearing?"
"You bet it is. Only quarterback not named Brady to lead the Patriots to the Super Bowl. Tell me again about this place we're going to."
"The Shire? It's a traditional English pub. They have all the English ales and cuisine like bangers and mash and Yorkshire pudding. You'll love it."
"Sounds good. You know, I tried going there last week, but it was closed. I looked at the hours and it was supposed to be open. No one was there though. Doesn't seem like very good business practice to me."
"Yeah, I heard about that. I know what happened too. My friend Stinky Seger, who runs the place, told me about it." Giacomo looked down, removed an oak leaf from the bottom of his shoe, and threw it out the window. "Stinky usually opens the place. That day, he had to take his mom to the salon. So, he calls this guy Myron van Raaphorst, one of the bartenders, and leaves a message for him to go and open the place up for the regulars. At least he thought he did. He actually left the message with Myron Vandeventer, the accountant. Of course Vandeventer doesn't have a key to open the place and Stinky is surprised when he shows up to find the doors still closed."
"Sounds like Stinky has too many Myrons in The Shire."
This episode featured:
Kent Reed as Uncle Sal
Josephus Tucci as Giacomo
and
Jellybean Merengue as the oak leaf.
Tune in next week when Uncle Sal says, "Who own da team?
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